Tatiana

Last Login:
January 19th, 2021




Gender: Female

Age: 26
Country: United States

Signup Date:
November 05, 2019


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02/16/2020 02:56 PM 

Valentines Playlist

All you need is love...

Image result for Selena Gomez singing gifs


02/12/2020 10:29 PM 

Task - Feb 12

"I thought the bottle was empty, but there was one glass left," she slurred as she raised the nearly empty bottle of whiskey to her lips and took a large mouthful. "So I went and got some more!" It really wasn't the best decision that she'd ever made, especially since she was a recovering alcoholic, but when she'd picked up the bottle, thinking it was empty, so that she could throw it into the trash, she'd found just enough to fill a glass and had been unable to resist. Just one sip of the heavenly liquid though could send an alcoholic off the wagon and it was exactly what had happened with Harlow numerous times before, but would now be any different? She wasn't sure, but the empty bottle of whiskey in her hand seemed to answer that question for her. 

Taking a deep breath, the brunette brushed some of her long dark locks to the side and off her face as she made her way along the pavement and to the local bar. She wanted a drink, no, she craved it. She'd been sober for almost a year now, but that one glass of wine that had been left in the bottom of that wine bottle had been enough to send her back into a downward spiral of needing alcohol like she needed air to breath. Harlow liked to pretend that it wasn't an addiction, like she could stop at any given moment, but truth be told, she couldn't. All it took was one sip of alcohol to send her back to that dark place, a place that she had struggled to get out of and break free from since she was 18 years old and had fled her father's home, his prison, back in New Mexico. 

Stepping over the threshold and into the bar, Harlow grabbed onto the door to steady herself. She was seeing almost double and couldn't remember where she even lived or when she was at that moment, but she didn't care. She would in the morning and she knew that, but for now she could forget all about it and pretend like she was normal; like she didn't have an alcohol addiction that would one day end up being the death of her. It didn't seem to matter how many times she'd been to rehab, her sobriety only ever lasted several months before she went back down that dark path of self destruction.  Trying to rid herself of her thoughts, she shook her head and made her way to the bar, raising a hand and gesturing to the bartender to get his attention. "A glass of red wine," she called out, needing the wine to forget about the 12 months of sobriety that she'd just thrown away. "Hey! I know you," she murmured, slowly turning to the handsome face that stood beside her, though she'd had so much to drink, she had no idea who he was or where she'd see them before.

02/08/2020 01:19 PM 

Bi Weekly Task (Feb 2nd - 8th)

Image result for Selena Gomez gifs

It had only been a few days since she’d moved into her apartment in the Bronx but she was already having second thoughts. She’d thought that living there would bring her closer to her mother, bring a sense of closure somehow, yet it hadn’t. In fact, it had done the complete opposite. It made her relive past trauma and hash over her childhood; everything that had happened to her since she’d been old enough to talk. Her mother’s death had only been the beginning of the traumatic events that she was to face in her life and as traumatic as it was, she didn’t think that anything could prepare her for the life she was forced to live in her father’s cult. The rules and regulations that she was forced to abide by were barbaric, but the things that she witnessed, they scarred her for life. It was the isolation and loneliness that she felt that led to her drinking and it was the memories that continued to haunt her, that kept the bottle in her hand seven years after her escape. 

- Eight Years Ago -

Image result for Selena Gomez gifs

It was her second shot of the evening. That was a lie, but she'd lost count and it made her feel better to tell herself that it was only two. Drinking numbed her pain and it made her forget about all of the sh*t that had happened in her life; it made her forget about her mother’s death or the fact that she’d been the one to find her. Harlow had been 10 years old when she’d walked into the shoebox apartment that she shared with her mother and had found her lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. It had broken her heart and haunted her dreams every night for seven years. Her mother, the only person in the world that she had, had been taken away from her and it destroyed her.  

Picking up her glass, the brunette brought it to her lips and threw back the shot before placing it back down on the table. She grabbed the half empty bottle of tequila and refilled the shot glass. However, as she was about to pick it up, it was snatched away from her before she got the chance. “That’s enough!” Turning around in her seat, she clenched her jaw and glanced up at the tall man who towered over her. Her father, though she wasn’t sure that she could really call him that. He’d never been much of a father to her. For the first 10 years of her life, he hadn’t been there. He’d been completely absent and now he thought that he had the right to tell her how to live her life. He wasn’t her father. He was a sperm donor and now he was her captor. Dark brown eyes darted up to meet his, bright blue ones as she slowly got to her feet. “Don’t tell me what to do,” she growled, reaching for the bottle and wrapping her long slender fingers around it. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going for a walk.”

Harlow had been drinking since she was 15 years old and though it always had been in secret, that didn’t mean that her father didn’t know about it. She was a  volatile drunk and was often out of control when intoxicated, not to mention that she stunk of alcohol and it was usually her father that copped the brunt of her outbursts. “Harlow Rae Christopherson!” She heard, feeling a hand grip her arm and squeeze it firmly. “That’s not my name!” she barked, yanking her arm from his firm grip, though as she did, she lost grip on the bottle and only seconds later, she heard the shattering of glass at her feet. “It’s Wilson. My last name is and will always be f***ing Wilson,” she screeched, her rage bubbling away just beneath the surface. 

“Do not swear at me,” He stated firmly, though his voice was completely calm as he spoke to his irate daughter. Raising his hands, he used his middle and index fingers on both hands to signal for the two men standing in the corner to move in on the brunette female. “Your behaviour is totally unacceptable, Harlow. Perhaps some time in the Isolation Tower will give you some time to reflect on your behaviour.” The Isolation Tower was the most feared building in the compound because a person could be locked in there for hours, days, weeks, or even months, depending on said person’s ‘crime’. Crime. That word was a funny one and had no relevance to Harlow’s situation. She’d not broken the law, she’d not committed a crime, but she’d disrespected her father and that to him, was a cardinal sin. Feeling hands tighten around her upper arms, a tear fell down her cheek and she locked eyes on her father once more. “F***. You,” she mouthed as she was dragged from the room to serve her prison sentence.

01/20/2020 06:32 PM 

Bi Weekly Task Jan 19th - 25th

                                                    Lose you to love me


I needed to lose you to find me, this dance, it was killing me softly. I needed to hate you to love me. It was toxic. The ‘I hate you”  followed by “i love you” only ten minutes later. It didn’t matter how much she tried, Harlow never felt good enough, but she couldn’t leave. She needed that validation, she needed to know that she was good enough for the person that she loved more than anyone else in the world. Kylie had been the love of her life, but it had been an unhealthy kind of love. She’d put her first; above anyone and everything. Kylie could tear her down and make her feel so small and invisible, but yet, Harlow still put her girlfriend first and Kylie loved it. She planned to give up everything and that included friends who didn’t approve of the relationship or tried to make Harlow see how bad Kylie was for her. There were warning signs but Harlow ignored them. She didn’t want to see that Kylie was slowly destroying her.


For most people, turning 21 was a big deal and Harlow had been looking forward to it for weeks. She planned to go out and get trashed and have a good time that night, but during the day was all about her. She wanted to have a ‘me day’, and focus on herself. First it was a manicure, followed by a pedicure and then a little shopping. She’d turned off her phone to focus on herself without the interference of any technology, so when she arrived home at just after 2pm, she’d been expecting to see a ‘Happy Birthday’ text from her girlfriend, but no, it wasn’t a happy birthday text, it was a hundred abusive ones instead. Messages that accused the brunette of being a bad girlfriend, of never being there for her when she needed her, and telling Harlow that she hated her. She should have run then and there, but she didn’t. Tears ran down her cheeks, leaving a trail of mascara down her pale flesh as she made her way back to her apartment. The last thing she wanted was to put on a brave face for her birthday, but she wanted to get trashed and this seemed like a good excuse as any. 


You promised the world and I fell for it, I put you first and you adored it. She needed to stop. She needed to get out of that relationship. It was toxic and it was destroying everything that she had, it was destroying the person that she’d become. She was tired of the breaks up every other day, she was tired of the crying and the swear words and derogatory names that were thrown in her direction whenever Kylie was in a mood, but she didn’t know how to end it. Kylie would break up with her and set Harlow free for a few hours or even a day sometimes, but she’d always come crawling back and Harlow couldn’t turn her down. She was insecure and felt like no one would ever love her the way Kylie did, but maybe that was a good thing. It took her two years to get the strength not to go back. It took her two years to refuse to go back after one of Kyie’s many tantrums that ended their relationship. She needed to lose her to find herself.


01/09/2020 09:03 PM 

Task: Letter to Self

Dear Harlow,

I know you’re going through a lot right now. I know that you think you’ll never follow in her footsteps, I know you’ll promise yourself that you’ll never touch a drop of alcohol again or lock yourself away in the bathroom and do that ‘last’ line of cocaine again, but you will. You’ll turn into everything that you said you’d never be and you’ll do everything that you promised yourself you'd never do, so I have one piece of advice for you. I know you, Lo, because I am you, I know you’ll refuse to go and see a therapist, I know you’ll say you’re fine, but you’re not fine. You are far from fine and you need to talk to someone about it. You need to let yourself grieve, because if you don’t, mom’s death is going to destroy you. You’re 14 years old and you saw her dead body, no one can be fine after that. No one. 

Harlow, you’re a lot stronger than you think. You’re going to grow up and meet people; some that you really will not get along with and others that you will come to love but they’ll break your heart and that’s okay. A broken heart can be mended and I promise you, you’ll be okay. I promise you that you don’t need to pick up that bottle to numb the pain. We are stronger than we realize and I know that now, so you will learn that too. I just hope that you can learn it a lot faster so that you don’t waste so much time self loathing. 

There will be times that you want to end it all, to just give up and put an end to all of your pain, but you can’t do that. You need to put down the razor blade that’s in your hand right now and find a way to cope because you do have something to live for. You’re a nurse now. Ten years on, you’re helping people. It’s not easy, nothing ever is and you still struggle everyday, but you have some really good friends in your life now and you have a job that you love. Life will get better, then it will get worse, but then it will get better again. You can’t give up. You need to keep fighting for your life no matter how hard it seems or how helpless you feel. 

Harlow, younger me, I need you to start loving yourself because no one else can love you until you learn to love yourself.

xoxo

Older You.

12/13/2019 06:36 PM 

Bi-Weekly Task (Dec 8 -14)

“I’m not coming in tonight. I’m sick,” Harlow stated in between fake coughs, as she walked through her apartment in a skintight black dress and her long dark locks hanging loosely around her shoulders. “Bullsh*t, Lo. You better get your ass here no-” Before her boss could finish his sentence, the brunette had hung up and took a seat in front of her dresser, looking at her own reflection in the mirror. She knew that she’d be in for it when she turned up at work the following night, but she had a party to attend and that was the only thing that was on her mind. After applying a second coat of lipstick, she ran her long slender digits through her long dark hair before puckering her lips. “Perfect,” she grinned as she slowly got to her feet and made her way out of her bedroom; grabbing her purse and phone on the way out. 

Once Harlow walked out of the apartment building and into the cool winter air, Harlow pulled her coat around her slender frame and made a quick dash for the curb where the uber was waiting to take her to the party. After opening the door, the brunette slipped inside and closed the door; a shiver running down her spine as she buckled herself in and glanced out the window as the car pulled away and made its way through the streets of New York. It had been a long time since Harlow had attended a Christmas Party, in fact, it hadn’t been since she was a teenager; often preferring to get drunk on her own or when she was meant to be working; maybe even with one or two people, but she didn’t do big crowds and hadn’t since her mother had committed suicide when she was 14 years old. That sort of thing changed a person. Harlow had been on a downward spiral before she had returned home and found her mother dead on the kitchen floor, but from that day on, things had only gone from bad to worse.

-A Christmas party six years ago - 

“D, you were right. Thanks for dragging my ass out,” Harlow smirked as she walked into the party with Delilah. The two had been friends for a few years, but ever since Delilah’s sister had left a few weeks before, the two had been inseparable, though that had not stopped Harlow from trying to get out of going to the Christmas party; much preferring to stay at home, open a sh*tty bottle of wine or five, and watch some trashy television! However, she knew that it would also do the blonde some good. She knew that she was missing Cordelia so maybe a wild night out would do her friend some good and she knew that she could do with the distraction too!  Scanning the room, the brunette turned to her friend and chewed on the inside of her mouth gently. “Wanna go get some eggnog?” she asked, a small smile spreading across her lips when the blonde nodded. 

Turning on her heels, Harlow headed over to the table and picked up a cup and the ladle, laddeling some of the liquid into her cup and taking a sip, but the moment that she tasted it, she spat it out, screwed up her nose and gagged. “What the f*** is that?! Seriously?! No alcohol?” she muttered, brown hues glancing from side to side to make sure that no one was around; no one besides Delilah anyway. “Keep an eye out,” she grinned as she slipped a hand into her bag, manicured fingers gripping the bottle of vodka and pulling it out. After making quick work of the lid, the brunette emptied half of the bottle in the bowl. Maybe it was too much, she wasn’t really sure how much to add in, but it didn’t really matter. As far as Harlow was concerned, alcohol made everything better. “Done,” the brunette whispered as she put the cap back on the bottle and returned it to her bag. “Now let’s try it again,” she whispered as the party host walked over to grab herself a glass of eggnog. After taking a sip, she too spat it out, the liquid ending up down the front of Harlow’s dress. “Okay, who spiked the eggnog?” she screeched. “It was non alcoholic for a reason!” Harlow giggled and slowly slipped into the shadows, grabbing her friend's hand and pulling her from the party. “Okay, maybe adding alcohol at an AA Christmas party wasn’t the brightest idea we’ve ever had,” she giggled as she pulled her phone from her pocket to call the two of them taxi.

-Back to the present- 

Once Harlow had arrived at the party, the brunette made her way inside, though suddenly she wasn’t really in the mood for a party. She loved to drink and was always up for a good time, but she was missing her friends; she was missing Delilah and her mother, everyone from her past, really. It wasn’t all bad though, she’d since found out that she had a half-sister, but that didn’t make the holidays any less lonely. Getting out her phone, she glanced at the time, deciding she would head back home and pick up a bottle of wine or two on her way; it would be far better than being at a party where she knew absolutely no one. Turning swiftly, the brunette had just spun 90 degrees; stopping mid-spin when she noticed a familiar face. “Wait..Delia?” she asked, though her voice was barely audible. It was like seeing a ghost from her past. She didn’t know the brunette all that well, though she had met her a few times before, but if Delia was in New York, did that mean Delilah was too?

11/30/2019 11:56 PM 

Bi Weekly Task 24th - 30th

“Oh my god! Where the f*** is the fire extinguisher?!” The blonde shouted as light brown eyes scanned the kitchen. It was her first Thanksgiving in New York and it was not going as planned. She’d never been one for the holidays. Usually her father was elsewhere and her mother was drunk or passed out in the living room, but things had only gotten worse when she’d turned 17. It had been the day before Thanksgiving when her mother had taken her own life and Tamara’s world had been completely shattered. Just thinking about it broke her heart. She’d never had the best relationship with her mother; she’d never been much of a mother, but she was still her mother nonetheless and she missed her. It was for that reason that Tamara never celebrated Thanksgiving. She had nothing to be thankful for so what was the point?! Being reunited with Crystal had given her a new lease on life, though, or at least that was what she told herself. She wasn’t alone anymore, though she still found herself guarded and closed off; not fully trusting her ex girlfriend with what remained of her heart. 


Turning on her heels as the bright orange flames engulfed the turkey, Tamara caught sight of her ex girlfriend with the red bottle in her hand. Reaching for it, she pulled the pin out almost as soon as she had taken it from Crystal, aiming the fire extinguisher at the base of the fire before she squeezed the handle as tight as she could; releasing the chemicals that were inside and moving the handheld extinguisher from side to side until she’d put out the fire. Placing it down on the ground, she felt a few tears filled her eyes as she looked at the charcoaled turkey that sat on top of the stove and the cranberries that sat on the bench beside it, cranberries that were now completely covered in chemicals. “I can’t even f***ing cook dinner properly,” she snapped as a tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek. She wasn’t upset, she was mad. She was furious that she had ruined Thanksgiving dinner, the first Thanksgiving that she had celebrated since her mother’s passing. 


“Don’t worry about it. We still have desert,” Tamara heard as she turned to look at the other woman. For a moment, just a split second she felt the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders, but then it hit her like a ton of bricks. “F***!” She muttered, shaking her head as she walked passed Crystal and grabbed her car keys from the counter. “I forgot the ice cream and f***ing whipped cream, so there is no desert either.” As Tamara opened the door and stormed out of the apartment, she could hear Crystal calling out to her but she didn’t want to talk to her, she didn’t want to listen. Nothing had gone right and she couldn’t wait until the holiday was over. Walking over to the car, the blonde yanked it open with so much force that it was surprising that it didn’t come off the hinges before slipping into the driver's seat  and slamming the door closed. “Breath,” she whispered, bringing her hand up before slamming it down on the steering wheel as the anger began to rise. 


Sitting in her car for a few minutes, Tamara did her best to regain her composure before grabbing her phone. She knew that she should have gone back inside, apologised to Crystal for storming out, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to go out and get drunk, forget about the sh*tty holiday and the one that was to come in less than a month! Scrolling through her contacts, she found her friend and sent the other girl a quick text. “I’m going to the club. Meet me there?” After sending the message, she flicked the key in the ignition and sighed as the engine roared to life. She knew that she’d have to face up to everything sooner or later, but in that moment, all she wanted to do was get drunk and forget about her sh*tty day. As she pulled up at the club, the blonde slowly opened the door of her black mercedes and stepped out of the car, closing the door and locking it before she headed inside, her heels clicking along the concrete as she walked. 


11/26/2019 12:18 PM 

Thanksgiving Gone Wrong


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A sob left her lips as the glass slipped through slender digits and made contact with the wooden floor beneath her feet, glass shattering into a million tiny pieces. “I’m so sorry,” the blonde whispered as she fell to her knees and brought a manicured hand to her mouth, letting go of eight years of pent up emotions. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” It had been eight years since Tamara had celebrated Thanksgiving and it wasn’t just because she had no friends or family to spend the holiday with, but because it had been one of the worst days of her life and it was a day that she wanted to forget. She had let her mother down, she’d chosen to sneak out to a party when her mother needed her the most and now she would have to live with that for the rest of her life. It was a day she wanted to forget, she knew that she’d never be able to; It was a day that haunted her dreams like a ghost.   


Silence filled the air as fresh tears ran down her cheeks and the burnt turkey sat in the middle of the table. If only she’d been home on time. If she hadn’t snuck out with her friends to a party that she’d been told she couldn’t go to, then maybe her mother wouldn’t have done it, maybe she’d still be there. She’d lost her entire family in the space of six weeks and nothing would ever be the same again. Her father had left, Crystal had abandoned her, and her mother had lost her battle with depression, leaving Tamara with no one at only seventeen years old. For the first time since she could remember, her mother had actually made an effort to do something for Thanksgiving. Usually the holiday involved takeaway or her father taking her out to a restaurant and leaving her mother to fend for herself, but with her father gone, Sarah had actually tried to make an effort for Tamara’s sake, but Tamara had ruined it.   


Wiping the tears, she walked over to the table and picked up the turkey, taking it over to the trash can. It was completely inedible, but it was also the first time that her mother had ever made a real effort when it came to anything, especially cooking. As the blonde moved her foot to the foot pedal of the trashcan, she opened the lid and dropped the turkey along with the plate that it sat on, into the bin. She could feel her heart breaking, but she needed to be strong. She had no one to count on but herself and no matter how hard she knew it would be, her journey had only just begun and it was going to take everything that she had to get through it. Moving her foot from the pedal, letting the lid close, Tamara slowly turned and watched as two met carried her mother's corpse from the house; nothing but a white sheet covering the body.


Breath. Just breath.


“Tam?” a soft voice whispered from behind and Tamara was pulled from the memory as a hand reached out and touched her shoulder; gently shaking her. “Tamara? Are you okay?” Crystal asked, kneeling down by the sobbing blonde, moving an arm around her. Crystal was the only person that Tamara had wanted when she had been going through one of the hardest periods in her life, but Crystal had already left her for New York, leaving Tamara to deal with it all by herself. Tamara didn’t have to deal with it all by herself anymore though. She was working it out with Crystal and had made friends in New York, but it didn’t make it any easier. “Let’s get the turkey out, huh?” Crystal asked, wiping Tamara’s tears as both women slowly gt to their feet and embraced one another in a tight hug.


“Thank you,” Tamara whispered, placing a gentle kiss against pale flesh before she slowly moved away to clean up the broken glass. 

11/25/2019 02:22 PM 

Thanksgiving moodboard

11/12/2019 12:50 PM 

Points Earned

Sharing Wanted Roles [September 2nd] - 5 Points
Sharing the group [September. 2nd] - 10 Points
Photo Comments [September. 2nd] - 10 Points
Writing Pass [September. 2nd] - 6 Points
Caring Confessions [September. 2nd] - 5 Points
Task [August. 30 - September. 05] - 5 Points
Statuses [ August. 30 - September. 05] - 2 Points
Drabble [September. 04] - 5 Points
Cleared Owes List [September. 04] - 20 Points
PWD [September. 04] - 3 Points
Testimonial [September. 05] - 5 Points
Thoughtful Comments [September. 07] - 10 Points
Updated Owes List [September. 06] - 8 Points
Total: 94 Points
 
 
 
November Points: 196
December Points: 131
January Points: 121
February:  127
March: 242
April: 322
May: 245
June: 429
July: 140
August: 124
September: 

 

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