Tatiana

Last Login:
September 24th, 2020




Gender: Female

Age: 25
Country: United States

Signup Date:
November 05, 2019


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09/19/2020 03:29 PM 

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QUEENS

09/19/2020 02:49 PM 

Spirit Week Task - Fall Playlist

09/15/2020 06:25 PM 

Spirit Week: Moodboard Monday

09/13/2020 08:41 PM 

Drabble Sunday

 

Letting go had never been Tatiana’s forte. When she felt something, any kind of emotion whatsoever, she held on for dear life. It didn’t matter whether it was love, resentment, a grudge, or admiration, once Tatiana felt it, it was etched into her core being like a tattoo, but it was something that she was trying to overcome. She needed to overcome it in order for her to live, but she didn’t know how to. There was so much that she was still holding on to, so much anger and rage that at times, she felt like a volcano that was on the verge of erupting and Isabelle leaving had just been the latest in a long line of things that she was holding on to but needed to let go of. She was so angry most of the time. Angry at Issy for leaving and angry at herself for letting her leave. Maybe if she’d put more time and energy into the relationship, maybe if she hadn’t developed feelings for someone else, maybe then Isabelle wouldn’t have let. It didn’t change things though. Isabelle had left again. She’d left and Tatiana was angry. 

Tatiana was always angry these days. Ever since she had come home from the Hamptons to find Isabelle had gone and a note on the bed saying that she was sorry. Sorry?! What the hell was she going to do with sorry?! That didn’t comfort her when she felt her heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and it didn’t comfort Sofia when she asked when Issy was coming over again. She was angry and whenever she was angry, she always ended up going for a walk through Flushing Meadows-Corona Park. It was the biggest park in Queens and it was Tatiana’s go to. It put her mind at ease and for a little while she could take in the beautiful scenery and enjoy a few hours with her daughter. So, after getting Sofia’s shoes on, the brunette had picked up her daughter and carried her from the house. She just needed some time with the one person that she loved more than anything else in the world, the one person who she knew wouldn’t let her down. Sofia was her life and the little girl always made her feel better. 

“Mommy?” Tatiana glanced down at the two year old holding her hand, a small smile gracing her lips as they walked through the park. “Yes, baby?” She asked. “What are they?” the little girl asked as she bent down and picked up a freshly fallen leaf from the ground. “Are they hurt?” Tatiana offered a small smile and slowly bent down so that she was at Sofia’s level, reaching out a hand and slowly holding out her hand for the leaf. “Can I?” she asked, leaning in to kiss her daughter’s forehead when she placed the leaf in Tatiana’s open palm. “You see this?” she asked, slowly holding up the leaf in front of the toddler. “This is a leaf and they grow on trees and then, when the time comes, they fall to the ground,” she explained, glancing down at the leaf briefly before looking back at Sofia. “If you look closely at that tree over there..” she continued, raising a hand and gesturing towards a nearby tree. The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go,” she whispered and as those words fell from her lips, they hit her like a tonne of bricks. 

Tatiana didn’t let go, she never had, but maybe she could've learned something from the trees shedding their leaves in autumn. Letting go would make her feel better. It would make her a better person, a better mother, and a better friend. She needed to let go if she was going to move on with her life. “It is lovely to let go,” she mumbled to herself before dropping the leaf onto the ground and glancing over at her daughter. “Mommy needs to let go, hm?” she smiled, slowly getting up off the ground and holding out her hand. “Come on, Sof. Let’s go home,” she whispered, a warm smile gracing her lips as the toddler took her hand. Turning on her heels, the brunette slowly made her way back through the park as leaves fell to the ground around her.

09/13/2020 05:45 PM 

Bi Weekly Task - Fall bucket list

Top 10 Fall GIFs | Find the best GIF on Gfycat

Fall Bucket List:

one: Try a pumpkin spice latte. , Tatiana has never been much of a coffee drinker, but she has always wanted to try the Pumpkin Spice Latte, so that is the first thing on her bucket list. A coffee date with her sister to try one of these. 

two: Horror movie marathon. Tatiana loves horror movies and all things Halloween, so fall is the perfect time to get out her horror movie collection, some popcorn, and watch them with her best friend. Scream, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street; all of the classics. 

three: Decorate the house for Halloween because Halloween is life. Tatiana was never able to do Halloween type things as a kid, so she wants it to be different for her children. This is something that she will definitely involve Sofia in and she can't wait. 

four: Costume shopping. This year Sofia wants to dress up as an astronaut, so Tatiana wants to do her best to get her daughter an astronaut costume or something else space-related if she can't manage that.

five: Take a trip. Tatiana wants to go somewhere outside of New York with her daughter. She wants to just pack up and go somewhere else for a few days or a week; somewhere fun like Disneyland. She just wants to be able to get away and make some memories. 

six: Pumpkin patch. Tatiana wants to take Sofia to a pumpkin patch and get some pumpkins for her to carve. 

seven: Pumpkin carving! This is one of the best things about Halloween and now that Sofia is a little older, Tatiana thinks it is something that she can do with her daughter and she can't wait. 

eight: Trick or treating. Tatiana is counting down the days until Halloween night so that she can take her daughter out trick or treating in her neighborhood and she can't wait. 

nine: Attend a Halloween party and get dressed up. Tatiana hasn't properly dressed up for Halloween since she was a teenager, but this year she wants it to be different. 

ten: Haunted house. Tatiana loves to go and visit haunted houses. The rush that she gets when her heart is practically jumping out of her chest during such events is one that she absolutely loves. She loves it be scared; it's why she loves horror movies so much. 

09/02/2020 05:23 PM 

Bi Weekly Task: What I value most...

Dear Sofia,

 

If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m no longer there. Some would say it’s morbid for me to write this letter to you and maybe once upon a time I would have thought it was morbid too, but having you and your sister changed me. For the first time in forever, I actually had something to lose, I had something that I was scared of losing. I didn’t realize how much you girls meant to me. Of course, I loved you, I loved both of you from the moment that I held you in my arms, but I still didn’t quite understand how much you both meant to me. I would give up my life without a second thought if it meant that you and your sister were safe. I guess I’ve kind of gone off track though, huh? I’m not writing this letter to tell you how much I love you, though I do love you, but I haven’t been feeling very well recently. I found out that I am sick. I know it’s my own fault, I should have stopped drinking a long time ago, but I didn’t and now you two might have to suffer the consequences. 

The doctor told me that I had no more than two years to live if I didn’t stop drinking, so I’m trying. I haven’t had a drink for two days, but if I fail, I might not be able to be here for a lot of the special moments that you and Taylor will face. You’ll have each other, you’ll have family, but knowing that I might not be around to see you graduate high school, get married, have children, it got me thinking about what I value. I’ve never been one to value money; if I did I wouldn’t have wasted so much of it on alcohol, not that you need to know that. I just hope that you will never repeat the same mistakes that I’ve made; I guess that’s why I‘m writing you this letter. Do I value family the most? I guess a part of me does. You, Taylor, Blake, and Journey, you’re my family. My daughter’s and my sisters, but our family is a lot bigger than that, just remember that. Family isn’t just those that share the same DNA as you. You’ll have Delilah and I know that she will be there for you if I can’t be; don’t ever be afraid to ask her for help. She has the biggest heart of anyone that I know.

Family isn’t what I value most though. I’ve realized that love is the most important thing in the world. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and I want you to remember how important it is to have people you love in your life and how important it is to have people love you. Don’t be like me. Don’t push away the ones you love and if you fall in love, even if it’s with your best friend, don’t be too afraid to admit it or you might miss your chance. Be honest. Be honest with her or him, and be honest with yourself. Love is the most magical thing that there is and if you don’t have love in your life, nothing else matters. I wish I had learned that long ago; maybe things would be so different now. Let love into your life, Sof, and protect the ones you love with all you have. If you’re reading this, if I’m not here, just remember that I love you more than anything in the world and I will be looking down on you and Taylor. I will be with you wherever you go. 

I love you,

Love Mommy.


 

08/08/2020 05:04 PM 

Bi - Weekly Task [ August 2nd - August 8th]

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New Mexico, 9 years ago. 

I don't know what happened last night, but I think I've got some explaining to do. With a small groan passing her lips, Tatiana sat up in bed, a sheet loosely draped over her body and a body in the bed beside her. What had she done? She had no idea who he was and she didn’t plan on finding out. Her head was pounding but all she could think about was getting her clothes and getting out of the house. She remembered very little from the night before, but she remembered using her fake I.D to get into a club and she remembered having too many tequila’s, she also remembered the fight she’d had with her father and calling her best friend. She was meant to go and see Delilah, but instead, she’d ended up at the bar and had downed her bodyweight in alcohol before leaving with someone that she’d never met before. It all seemed a bit of a  blur now though. 

Slowly getting out of bed, Tatiana grabbed her clothes from the floor, quietly slipping each item of clothing on her slender frame, attempting to make as little noise as possible, before picking up her shoes. Glancing over her body to make sure that he was still sleeping, she bit down on her lower lip when she heard the light snores that were coming from him. He was sound asleep and with any luck, he would remain that way until she was a safe distance away from the house. Biting down on the inside of her mouth, the brunette grabbed tiptoed out of the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind herself before she made her way out of his apartment. As soon as she was outside, she slipped her pedicured feet into her shoes and pulled out her phone. Sh*t. 10 missed calls and 15 texts from her father, six missed calls, 12 texts, and a voice message from Delilah. Taking a deep breath. Tatiana called her friend and swallowed the lump in her throat. “D. I’m sorry for disappearing last night. I’m coming over right now. I need to talk to you.”

After hanging up from her friend, she sent her father a text. She was still angry with him. He had just told her that he and her stepmother were having a baby and she was mad. Since her mother had died, he’d been different and hadn’t been a father to her, but now he was replacing her with a biological child? She was hurt and upset and he was the last person that she wanted to talk to. “I’m not dead,” was all she sent her father before moving away from the building complex to her car - it was her father’s car really. “Oh no,” she mumbled when she spotted that the car wasn’t there. She had no idea where she’d left the car, but it must have been still outside of the club? Though she couldn’t remember which club that was. Rolling her dark brown hues, Tatiana ordered an Uber. She’d worry about the car later, though she knew that her father was going to kick and she didn’t want to deal with that right now. 


 

07/25/2020 11:32 PM 

Bi Weekly Task: A Movie Quote

"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."
- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. 

 

If she closed her eyes tight enough, she could still see the warm, welcoming smile, her red painted lips, the long head of curls that hung loosely over her shoulders, and the chocolate-colored hues staring down at her. She could still smell the vanilla-scented perfume and hear her mother’s voice, greeting her when she returned home from school. She’d never hear that voice again, see her face, or smell her perfume, not unless she closed her eyes and pretended that her mother was there with her. Tatiana had been eight years old when her mother had lost her battle with cancer. Technically, Chantel was her adopted mother, but Tatiana had only been two years old when she’d been adopted and she was the only mother that she remembered. She was the person who had been there through every tantrum, every tumble, every bedtime story; she’d been there through it all and now she had to learn how to live without her. She’d struggled and she guessed that she always would, but she’d found ways of blocking out the pain and concealing the gaping hole that had been left in her chest. 

Alcohol was the answer to all problems Tatiana related. It had been her answer since she was 10 years old and had snuck into her father’s alcohol cabinet. She blamed him. He drank, he was always drunk, so why shouldn’t she? She claimed it was learned behavior, but she knew it wasn’t fair on him for her to blame her drinking on him too. From the very first sip, she knew it was wrong. She knew that her mother would have been disappointed, but by the second bottle of Jack Daniel's, she’d forgotten all about it. Her heart didn’t seem to hurt as much and her tears seemed to dry. The more liquid that trickled down her throat, the more the ache in her chest began to subside, but when she came to the following morning with the hangover from hell, her mother was still dead and that pain was still there. Nothing would ever be enough to get rid of that and she had no one to help her through it. Her father drank to numb his own pain. He never spoke of her mother and there was no one else in her life that truly understood what she was going through, so she drank, and she drank until she couldn’t remember why she’d started drinking in the first place. 

For five years, Tatiana remained in a constant state of drunkenness. She wasn’t always trashed, but there was some form of liquor in her system from the time she was 10 until she was 15 years old and not a single person in her family had noticed, or maybe they just didn’t care. Her father had gone to rehab, got clean, met a ‘recovering’ alcoholic, got married, became a father to his new wife’s three children, and had moved the family to New Mexico. Tatiana seemed to only be a burden. For her father, she was a constant reminder of the death of his first wife and for her stepmother, she was a constant reminder that he’d never love her the way he’d loved his daughter’s mother. They put her out of control actions down to her being a rebellious child, acting out because she was going through puberty, but if they’d only cared enough to go snooping through her bedroom, they’d have seen the mountain of bottles that hid underneath her bed.

Tatiana had learned how to function despite the various states of being drunk that she was in. She could go to school and hold a normal conversation, but the pain in her chest seemed to disappear. She was numb to her grief, but the longer you numbed your pain, the harder it would hit when you finally began to feel and Tatiana was no exception. She’d never planned to get sober, but being stuck in the hospital seemed to take that decision off her hand. Death was going to be the only way out. It scared her, she was afraid of dying, but the brunette had decided that she was more afraid of living. She no longer felt safe in her own home. She could deal with her stepmother’s drunken rants and her stepsister’s bitchy behavior, but after she was left in the care of her stepbrother while her father took her stepmother out for the night, her stepbrother cornered her in the bathroom and raped her. Despite how much she cried and begged for him to stop, he didn’t until he was ready to and that was the final straw for the brunette. 

Taking the razor from the bathroom cabinet, the tears streamed down her cheeks and she pressed the tip of the blade into her flesh, sucking in a deep breath as a slight sting rushed through her. She didn’t stop though. She continued to dig the blade deeper into her skin before dragging it across her wrist. It wasn’t her time to die though. She was found when her father returned home and was rushed to the hospital, and it was only then that she was forced to get sober; being stuck in the hospital gave her very little choice. As the alcohol began to leave her system, the pain that she’d been avoiding since she was ten years old came flooding back like one giant tidal wave. It broke her heart all over again and the flood gates opened. She’d managed to numb her pain for five years, but now she was forced to feel every tiny bit of grief that she had left.


 

07/07/2020 04:03 PM 

Bi Weekly Task: A memory captured by a photo





Tears stung her eyes as Tatiana Hastings placed a hand against her stomach. She'd found out that she was pregnant with her second child only two hours before and the excitement that she'd been feeling at the prospect of adding to the family was shortlived. Her and her wife, Ashley, had been trying to conceive for six months, wanting to give their two-year-old daughter a younger brother or sister, but so far they'd been unsuccessful. At the time, when she'd made the decision to try for another baby, Tatiana had been hesitant. Things between her and her wife had been toxic since shortly after daughter, Taylor, had been born and she wasn't sure that adding to the family was such a good idea, but Ashley had been persistent and Tatiana had been hoping that it would fix things. Having a baby to fix problems in marriage seemed like a terrible idea now, but it was too late. She was eight weeks pregnant and in seven months, her second child would be there.

As she slowly sat up in the middle of the bedroom floor, using her elbow to prop herself up, she could taste the blood in her mouth. She felt like she'd been hit by a truck, but all she could think about was her baby. The baby and Taylor were her top priority now and she couldn't carry on like that anymore. Most of the time, Tatiana gave as good as she got, but what sort of environment was that for a child? She didn't want her children growing up around their mother's constant fighting and one day, maybe it would go too far. She wanted a divorce. She wanted to end her marriage and get out of there, but it would never be that easy. Raising a hand, the brunette wiped her thumb across her lip, hissing slightly as the pain shot through her like a bolt of electricity. She didn't care about the blood on her finger, the cut on her lip, or the pounding headache, all she could think about was getting to the hospital to make sure that the baby was okay. She needed to make sure the baby was okay.

Tatiana had told herself that maybe things would be different this time. Maybe her life, her marriage would turn a corner and this baby was what they needed to get things back on track, but she knew that wasn't the case. Taking a deep breath, she slowly stood up and glanced at her own reflection in the mirror. She didn't recognize herself anymore. She wasn't the same person that she'd been before she had married Ashley. She was different and she didn't like it but she wasn't sure about how she could change it. Feeling a tear escape her eye and cascade down her cheek, Tatiana grabbed her keys off of her dressing table so that she could drive herself to the hospital, though as she slowly walked out of her bedroom, she stopped in her tracks when she heard Ashley's voice. "Babe? Are you okay?" She wasn't even surprised how just how casual Ashley spoke after one of their fights anymore. Tatiana wasn't a victim and she didn't see herself as one. She punched, she slapped, she stood up for herself, Ashley was just stronger and was quicker, more agile than Tatiana was. 

Taking a few small breaths, Tatiana slowly looked up to meet her wife's hazel colored eyes. "Ash, I'm pregnant." Maybe that wasn't the best time to reveal the news, but whether she planned to stick it out or not, the baby would still be her wife's and she needed to know. "Eight weeks," she whispered, her hand still protectively clutching her stomach. She could see the guilt on the other woman's face. They had just had their worst fight yet and Tatiana was bleeding and bruised, her lip cut, a cut on her cheek and her forehead, along with several other bruises, and she was pregnant. "I'm going to the hospital," she whispered, tears threatening to fall as she pushed past her wife and headed to the front door. As she reached the door, she reached for the door handle, though stopped when she felt Ashley's hand on her arm. "Let me take you," she whispered, her tone quiet and comforting as she spoke to the brunette. Tatiana glanced over at the other woman, her heartbreaking as she tried to find the words that she needed to say, the four words she'd needed to stay for the past two years. "I want a divorce," Tatiana whispered as a tear escape her eye. 
 

07/01/2020 11:42 PM 

4th of July Playlist

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