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wildflowers | throwback journal entry.
wildflowersmay 5th, 1995www.roleplayer.me/goddessofrockx
For a little while, I'm not a rockstar or a recovering pill and drug addict. For a little while I can just Indian style and write in this journal and watch this man with blue eyes I can get lost in doing what he loves and feel perfectly content. And, the fact I'm writing this and not looking at Lindsey Buckingham warms my heart a lot more than it breaks it. But today just...was perfect.
There's something about watching him sit in front of the microphone with a cigarette in his mouth while trying to perfectly tune his guitar before playing a song that just...melts my heart and feeds every inch and part of my soul. I guess, after the last month and a half in rehab when I felt like I was going to die, being able to take a step back and just breathe and learn how to function without wanting to do a line or pop some pills to numb the feeling of just wanting to die is nice. For him to invite me here was nice of him, but him letting me stay with him? The way he holds me at night, the way he makes love to me until the sun comes up...it makes me realize every feeling I've been hiding for years is mutual and that just -- warms my heart.
This morning he asked me to listen to a song he was doing later today, and for the camera crew that's been so far up his ass [and so hard to hide from at times] not to be here, as well as the band and even Adria made me wonder what he wanted me to listen to. And then he put out his cigarette and "Steph, darlin'" me and that alone just...makes me melt. And then he plays this song, and oh my God it's the most beautiful song I've ever heard -- and I've heard some gorgeous music from some gorgeous men and women in my life.
The way he sang it so effortlessly puts more passion into it than I think he truly wanted, but the way he was singing the lyrics made me think that he wrote this about someone. But, when he finished and said he wrong the song about me while I was in rehab made me almost cry. Like, what did I do to deserve this man? I've left time and time again when he spoke about leaving Jane in the past, and yet he writes me something so beautiful? And not even heartbreaking, but truly just beautiful in the purest form, Thomas Petty deserves the world, and yet all he wants is a life with his career, children ... and I think me.
Yet, I listen to these lyrics and I can't help but feel like I could've written this about him. A specific line sticks out to me - you belong somewhere you feel free - little does he know I always feel free whenever I'm with him. I'm not a frontwoman when I'm with him, I'm not a recording artist or a recovering addict -- I'm just me, and when I'm just me it's when I feel free.you belong somewhere you feel free.
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