Last Login:
August 9th, 2022

Gender: Female

Age: 27
Signup Date:
November 27, 2021



08/04/2022 09:14 PM 




When did they lose their virginity?

Caroline lost her virginity at fifteen to her high school boyfriend. It lasted about twenty seconds and if she was honest she probably wasn’t ready and didn’t want to. He still brags about it till this day on social media, she doesn’t pay him any mind though, she’s often quoted saying “get that clout, honeyyyy” when asked about the situation. 


Do they have any kinks or fetishes?

Caroline primarily has a praise kink, there’s very few things that can get her turned on faster than a “Are you going to be a good girl?” Breath play. Bondage. Impact play, Caroline loves when Abel leaves marks because she wants to feel it later. 


What is the weirdest place they’ve had sex?

Elle’s office at lifted. 


What is their favorite position?

Caroline likes being on top unless she’s tied up, of course, she’s a fan of from behind with a hand around her throat (she really hates the term doggy, it reminds her of her pets and that turns her off.) ,


Are they dominant, submissive, or switched?

Caroline is a control freak on crack outside of the bedroom and prefers to give up control in the bedroom. She can be aggressive, and attempt to take control, but in reality she just likes the power struggle, even if Abel always wins. 


Have they had any one-night stands?



Would they be more likely to do it in the bed, on the couch, on the floor, or somewhere else?

Everywhere.  Anywhere. But most often the bed.


Have they had sex in a public place?

Mhmmm. Caroline is an extremely impatient woman when she wants something…or someone (that someone being her fiance)


Have they ever been caught masturbating?

Caroline has been caught masturbating once by her manager and she wanted to die. 


What does their favorite sexy underwear (to wear) look like?

She loves to dress up, she almost always wears a matching set because they make her feel pretty. Her favorites are often white and covered with lace. Caroline loves to dress up and has an impressive collection of teddies and garters, along with more than she can count matching bras and thongs. 


How often do they have sex?

Caroline has sex mostly daily, her and her fiance have a….more than enthusatic sex life.

 Is there anybody right now they’d like to have sex with? 

Abel Tesfaye, of course. 

Do they like giving oral? 

Caroline loves giving oral, she loves getting praised while she does so.

Do they like receiving oral? 

Yes, and her fiance is the king of giving oral.

What is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to them during sex?
Caroline let an ex boyfriend handcuff her to bed when someone showed up at the door. He left her there to answer it and said he’d be right back. She was worried that he had another girlfriend or something, but it was worse, it was his mother and she was busting through the door. 

What is a song they’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? 

Caroline doesn’t really like music when it's hard/rough, she wants to hear the sound of Abel’s voice.

What is a song they’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? 

Starry eyes by the weeknd

Are they into roleplay or dress-up during sex?

Caroline loves to dress up, and will be happy with a little roleplaying but she doesn’t need it.

Would they prefer sex in the tub or sex in the shower?

Caroline loves shower sex, but isn’t opposed to a slow and steamy tub session. . 

If they could have sex with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? 

Carolne’s conviced there’s no better sex than with her fiance, so Abel. 

Have they ever had a threesome? 

Nope, Caroline is afraid she’d be much too jealous.

Do they/would they use sex toys?

Mhm, she has quite the collection. 

Have they ever given someone a dirty text/letter/picture?

She loves sending spicy snapchats to her fiance, and is always down for a little sexy text to keep his mind focused on her.

Would they have sex with their best friend? 


Is there anything they do after sex? (ex: smoke, eat, drink, cuddle) 

Caroline loves to snuggle after sex, pop an edible maybe. 

What is something that will never fail to get them horny?

Dirty talk, and Abel's eyebrow raise. 

Do they prefer morning sex or night sex?

Both, she’s not picky and often has both. 

What is their favorite body part on the opposite sex? 

Hands. forearms. 

What is their favorite body part on the same sex? 

Caroline is straight but will always appreciate a good ass. 


Do they watch porn/read dirty magazines? 

Caroline doesn’t really feel the need to watch porn or read dirty magazines right now, she likes to make videos with her fiance and will occasionally read a smutty novel that she was recommended on tik tok.



07/29/2022 09:42 PM 

questions /characterstudy.



Will my family be attending the engagement party?

Well, as most of you know, or maybe you don’t, I don’t really have any contact with my biological family. It’s a mess, and maybe one day, I’ll get into all of that……but my dad will be attending in full drag, of course, Kat Atomic doesn’t show up any less, honeeey! Though, my dad did say that she’ll be coming to the wedding just as your average extremely good looking gay dad, his words not mine. But, as we all know, and it’s probably cross stitched on someone’s grandma’s pillow, family doesn’t always mean blood and the people I consider family will be there! 


Where will Abel and I live after the wedding?
Abel and I already live together. I moved into his home in Bel Air when we got back from Rome in, like, January? Yeah, I think it was January. I know, it seems fast but, hey, look where we are now, we’re still together. So, we’ll just keep on living here, and honestly, I’ve done way too much “Caroline-ing” around here to start new. We just finished hanging these lovely clear shelves in my office so that I can display my ridiculous collection of Loungefly backpacks that I got while we were in Disney. I adore this house though, and I know Abel does, too, since he, you know, bought it. And I’m also very sentimental, and the first time we hung out was here, our first kiss, we got Goosey here, too, so I’m attached. 


Do I pump my own gas and take out the trash?
The answer for both of those is no, and only sometimes. But let me explain, I don’t pump my own gas because I’ve never learned to drive. I know, it’s ridiculous that I’m almost twenty six and haven’t even the slightest idea how to do the whole driving thing. So, after I was adopted by my dad, we lived in New York for awhile, so we walked everywhere and then I sort of blew up, and I had a driver, and that driver moved to LA with us when we did, so I never really needed to drive? Now, I wish I had learned. Abel bought me a car for christmas, and has promised to teach me to drive, but we just haven’t had any time to have lessons. So, one day, I’ll pump my own gas. As far as taking the trash, I can be a tiny bit of a princess and I don’t usually do that, but I am a neat freak. I clean all the time, which you’d never guess with how chaotic I can be, but I’m obsessive when it comes to cleaning…so, if the trash needs to go out and no one is around, cause we do have cleaning people, I just clean…after them, I’ll take the trash. 


My favorite and least favorite thing about being in the spotlight?

This is such a hard question…I know, it sounds easy but I’m so incredibly grateful for all of this. I think my favorite part of being in the spotlight is that I get to make a difference in so many people’s lives, even if it’s just a tiny little smile on one day, it’s a positive impact and I love that. I love meeting the fans and hearing about how they saw my tik tok and laughed, or they felt seen because they were able to find their shade in Xoline beauty, or that they look up to me, which is crazy. It feels like we’re all friends or something, and it’s really cool. My least favorite part is the judgment and assumptions. Like, sometimes people will see me on youtube, or tik tok and think they know everything about me, or worse they’ll not even be followers, and just see very small things and make judgements. I’ve seen so many comments about me using Abel and that always super sucks because it makes you question your worth, you know? Everything I do can be put under a microscope, and that can be overwhelming. For example, I can go out and just be dressed comfy and headlines are: Caroline’s a mess! Caroline’s gained weight! Is Caroline pregnant? Wow, Caroline really let herself go. And it’s just like, I’m going to yoga, of course I’m dressed for that, so sometimes that can get to me but I’m learning to focus on the positive and continue just being extremely grateful for every opportunity and every person who’s supported me along the way.


My first drag experience with my father:
I think this means how I met my dad, and I don’t know if I’ve ever publicly talked about it.  I met Kat when I was barely sixteen years old, and I was using a fake ID to get into a club with my boyfriend at the time. He was older, you know, in College, anyway, we’re with all of his friends and it’s a great time. So, he’s disappeared and I go to find him, because you know, I’m sixteen, I don’t belong in here and it’s not like I could drive myself home, I find him in his car balls deep in the girl he’d said was just a friend, you know how that goes…so, I’m losing my marbles in this club bathroom, I don’t know what to do, I’m sobbing, I gave my last twenty bucks to a Drag Queen for a tip, and here comes out of the stall, Miss. Kat Atomic. She’s like, “honey, what’s going on?” and takes me backstage and here I am just spilling all of my guts to her, I’m like, “I’m sixteen, I shouldn’t be here, my boyfriend is balls deep in a bitch who looks like the mean girl from Legacy Blonde, I don’t have anywhere to go, I was sleeping with him in his dorm and I can’t go back there…” I ramble, and I’m just going on and on until Kat is like, “Babygirl, you need to calm down, no ones ever gonna hurt you again.” and that was it, I just sort of got taken in and we learned along the way. I have the best parent in the world, and I wouldn’t change a single thing. 


Seeing Abel live before meeting him vs after:

I saw Abel during his Starboy tour, it was years ago, obviously. I think it was like 2017 in Brooklyn.  I actually bought the tickets because I was a fan to go with Roxy, or maybe it was Birdie, I can’t remember, either way, they both had something come up. So, I ended up going with an ex boyfriend, and he was so pissed at me the whole time, and I don’t even remember why. I still had fun because Abel is talented and super attractive. I remember Acquainted like took  me out, it’s still one of my favorites. Seeing Abel now is nuts, because I know him, so it feels so much more personal and I’m just so proud of him. I’ve always known he was talented, but I see the passion and hardwork that goes on behind the show, and it’s incredible. It’s my favorite thing in the entire world watching him do what he loves. 


What do I say to the animals about Abel when he’s not around?
Mostly, it’s a little, “Do you miss your daddy as much as I do?” or if I’m particularly pouty I’ll be like, “Ceasear come cuddle me until your daddy comes home.” or sometimes it’s the, “Boys! Get inside, if your Daddy finds out I’ve had this door open for this long, he’s gonna kill me.” or “don’t tell daddy that mommy has been at Home Goods all day.” I also like to tell Goose to be nice to him, because, let’s face it, Goose is an a**hole of a cat. He really is. He’s got a flerken superiority complex, and he acts like he rules the entire universe. But yeah, uh, that’s about all I can say that I speak to the fur children. 


What’s a fantasy that I want to experience with Abel?
As everyone in the world knows, I’m the most turned on when Abel’s performing, so I want to wait until everyone’s gone and get my back blown out on stage. I don’t want anyone to watch, I just want him to sing to me on stage while also, you know, proving his d*ck game is really the meanest. 


07/22/2022 10:16 PM 

emoji character study

Is your muse prone to jealousy?
not always, and only when it comes to Abel. Caroline trusts him fully, one hundred and twelve percent, but due to past trauma with relationships and growing up, she can sometimes get in her head that she’s not good enough and worry that the women that often try and slide in could be more interesting, attractive, talented…the list goes on, but eventually she’s able to come out and just talk about it and have her fears soothed rather easily from her understanding fiance. But professionally? Or with her friends? Green simply isn’t her color.

Can your muse be selfish?
Caroline is human so, of course, she can be selfish but that’s not really who she is at heart. She’s mostly extremely giving, and empathetic to people around her. She often confuses prioritizing herself with being selfish and she’s attempting to learn how to navigate that in a healthy way.

Has your muse ever put their foot in their mouth?
Tons of times! Caroline can be anxious around people she doesn’t know or people that she has great respect for. When she’s extra nervous, she seems to only have two modes: she completely can’t shut up or she can’t even get a word to leave her lips. When she met Michael Kors, she was so nervous that all she could say was, “I love clothes.” at first. Luckily, he thought it was funny and she’s been able to work with him including the collab for her Met Gala dress.

Is your muse reckless? Or too cautious and paranoid?
Caroline is extremely reckless when it comes to herself, something that she’s had to face dealing with her stalker. She tends to not put too much worry in her own safety, but will worry too much about the safety of the people that she loves. She often gets fussed at by Abel and her dad, among other people to take it more seriously to make sure that he doesn’t succeed in killing her. It’s something she’s really trying to do, because, well, she really would like to live.

What is a secret that your muse hasn’t told or is hiding?
Now that Caroline knows exactly who her stalker is, at least, knowing what he looks like, she’s been secretly plotting with security about using herself as bait to put an end to the whole thing. If she’s honest, if they won’t help her, she’s considered doing the entire thing on her own. She knows Abel won’t let her put herself in danger like that, but she’s too scared what could happen to him and what great lengths he’d go to protect her. For my muse to directly say a secret or a confession:
@my babe,
I actually put a deposit down on a wedding venue in March.

Mannerisms your muse has when they’re shy or nervous: If Caroline is nervous, she tends to not be able to stay still. Now with her media training, she’s able to do so a little more subtly such as she’ll play with her engagement ring, twirling it around, because it seems to bring her both comfort and something to do with her hands. If Abel is around, she’ll fiddle with his rings, or the sleeve of his shirt. If she’s really shy, or feeling especially uncomfortable, she’ll basically hide behind him as much as possible without it seeming rude or weird to whatever situation is causing her discomfort. She’ll ramble, and her voice will be extra soft if she’s feeling a bit shy and reserved. If there’s any possible way there’s a dog or cat nearby that she can pet, and love on, that’s exactly where she’ll be.

Would your muse ever kill and why?
Yes. Caroline would kill for someone she loved. She wouldn’t think twice about protecting someone she cared about, she’s fiercely loyal to the people that she truly cares about and would do anything to ensure their safety. She would probably struggle with it later, but she could pull the trigger if she thought it was the only way that someone she loved would walk away safely.

What are some bigger gestures that are important to your muse?
Caroline really prefers the smaller things, but she of course can be swept off her feet by large gestures as well. She feels the most special when someone notices something that’s important to her. Example: when Abel sent her tons of flowers to her office before her Rock Princess Collection dropped and she was very stressed, it was lovely and caused her to calm down and enjoy the flowers because they were perfect. (just like him.) And of course, the perfect proposal at Cinderella’s castle. Caroline mostly just appreciates feeling loved.

07/07/2022 03:48 PM 


It seemed like the universe had a way of bringing most things full circle. The universe could be beautiful, tragic, harsh, forgiving, and unrelenting at the same time. So, when Caroline opened her brown eyes again, desperately scared that she’d lose the information that she’d gained in whatever type of state she’d been placed in…it only made sense that his obsession with her had started this whole thing, that her new found obsession with catching him could let this tragedy find an end. 


Caroline often made jokes about the situation that she was stuck in, trying to find some type of humor in the horror movie that her life was starting to be. The weird balance of being the happiest that she’d ever been and also the most frightened. The situation had escalated and she was no longer scared for just her own life that the man had held in calloused hands wrapped around her neck deciding rather or not to let her life but she was scared for Abel’s, too. It was one thing for her life to be taken too soon, she could never get it out of her head that it was her fault, that somehow she’d caused all of this to happen by being too open on the internet. But Abel’s? He was too talented, too brilliant, too perfect, if there was a single person who deserved more life to create more magic it was him. 


She was trying to focus on the dream…the memories that she’d found while being trapped inside her own body. She was trying not to lose a detail so that she could get it down on paper, she could sketch it if she had to even though she’d met with a sketch artist. She was trying to become aware of her surroundings but her body felt heavy, and her head did seem to hurt, but mostly felt cloudy. “I don’t know what happened, but listen…” she said softly, seemingly unaware at how small her voice was in the large room, or how the words still slurred slightly like she’d been drinking when she knew for a fact that she hadn’t. She didn’t know how she found herself in the kitchen, her head resting in his lap or the sounds of what she assumed were paramedics in the driveway, security showing up behind Abel to inform them of their presence. 


“I know.” she repeated, interrupted by the paramedics who seemed to rush the room. She ignored the paramedics' questions at first, using her small hand to tug at the hem on his shirt, “babe, listen, I know how I met him.” she repeated, trying to get her newly found revelation out in the open before she forgot. It was like she was scared she’d be under whatever she was before again, like she was scared that she wouldn’t be awake for long and if she was honest, she was scared if it happened again that she’d never wake up, she’d be trapped inside her own mind forever and that was enough motivation to stop the damn creep. 


The paramedics seemed to make her more nervous, like a magnetic pull, she moved closer to Abel, and that comforting feeling that she’d only known from him. “M’am, can you tell us your name and what happened?” The paramedic repeated, and Caroline huffed a little, annoyed that she’d have to deal with this before she could explain what she knew. “Caroline Marie McCook….soon to be Tesfaye, I don’t know what happened.” she said simply, her throat was dry, she found it almost painful to speak, she didn’t feel fully well, like she just woke up from anesthesia or something along those lines, disoriented. A woman paramedic pushed past the man that was speaking, she moved to kneel by Caroline, taking her pulse and asking different questions, more specific. “Caroline, do you remember coming into the kitchen?” she asked casually, her tone soft and cool, like she was trying to keep the brunette calm. 


She shook her head, a question that could probably be answered by the cameras, something Caroline wasn’t even aware of had been tempered with. “What’s the last thing you remember?” she asked, wrapping a blood pressure cuff around Caroline’s slender arm. “I got home from meetings, and I was having coffee.” she said simply, glancing around the room for the time to gauge how much time she’d lost. Has the stress finally gotten to her? Had she lost all her marbles and been a crazy person who fell asleep on the floor of the kitchen? “Where’d you get the coffee?” the woman asked her as the cuff tightened around her arm. “I dunno, my assistant, maybe? I don’t know, it was just sort of there…” she said, she still wasn’t placing two and two together since her mind was very much preoccupied with not forgetting a detail. 


“Do you remember not feeling like you have control of your body? Like you were, maybe, drunk?” she asked and Caroline nodded, though she couldn’t place when that happened, was it even today? The woman took the blood pressure cuff off her and stood up. “You need to call someone to find that coffee cup, I’m pretty sure she’s been drugged. Rohypnol.” she said towards the man behind her, and then to the couple. “Roofied.” she said simply, and Caroline honestly appreciated the straight forward answer from the woman, since it was clear the man behind her was probably just going to say that she slipped and hit her head. How funny it was that the man’s plan of drugging Caroline just gave her a memory that could be very thin to get him caught? 


“Because of your, well both of you, really’s, status, it’d be safer to take your blood here to test it than to bring you to the hospital. I recommend a nurse of some kind to help monitor her as the drugs completely leave her system, should be around twelve hours. We can provide you with some names, we’ve gotten a few contacts from working so much in this area.” She said and Caroline nodded, clearly still preoccupied with her thoughts. “Can I see your phone, babe?” she asked, leaving one of her arms free as she allowed the woman to prepare to take a blood sample. Her fingers were slow, heavy even, like she wasn’t completely in control but she went to google and searched “Caroline McCook summer event 2020” since she didn’t exactly know which event it was. She was going through photos, trying to match the outfit in her mind to the Getty Images that decorated the screen. It wasn’t something she did often, googling herself, it kind of gave her the creeps, but at least that would be a good place to start. 


It wasn’t until the paramedics and Caroline had been tucked more than carefully by her fiance in their bed that she could get the entire story out. “I’m fine, babe, listen.” she said, sitting down her ipad that she’d switched into looking into, well, herself on google. She painted the entire picture with her words, about how she could see herself in her mind, she told him all the details that she could remember from what she was wearing, to the way her hair was colored, to the decorations of the party, she described walking up to the bar and the middle aged man hitting on her and Caroline swerving him. She described what he was wearing, to the direction in which he pointed out the large yacht that he claimed to have. She explained as she searched, obsessed with finding the right event, she wouldn’t be able to sleep until she did. 


That’s what she did, she followed every photo until she found the right one, the right event. It was a smaller one, and she’d only gone to it because it was supposed to be by a woman owned brand and she always liked to support that. It took hours of searching, hours of telling Abel that she couldn’t rest until she found him. That was until she did, one single photo, it was blurry due to her being in the background and the man, her stalker, the person who had choked her out, drugged her, took photos of her without permission, sent creepy gifts among other things was right there. “I found it.” she said softly, handing the ipad and the less than ideal photo but still it was something, they could pull guest lists or something else that she knew Abel’s team could accomplish because he only hired the best. “Babe, that’s him.” she said. And it was Caroline’s new found obsession to live, that was the full circle moment for the man’s obsession to kill her.


07/05/2022 08:18 PM 


caroline. @carolinexo
discord friendly, multi para writer, most always ic unless discussing. 
 43.3 m
caroline • 0d
los angeles, ca
interviews, podcast guests/hosts, etc: i would love to do more in character interviews, so if your muse has a podcast/youtube channel/magazine, whatever, I'd love to be apart of it, and  if your muse would be down in being a guest on caroline's podcast, "Tequila in Teacups" that she hosts with her fiance, we'd be down for that, too! Mostly, I adore the easy laid back character study vibes that this type of content provides, 

bad influence/good influence: caroline's friend from when she was in a bad head space and partied a little too hard. this friend comes back into her life with tons of embarassing stories, but isn't really keen on Caroline making better decisions and this new "settled down" Caroline. inspiration: serena x georgina sparks, meredith x sadie (death and die) 

brand collabs: does your character have a brand that they'd like promoted or a collab with Caroline's brand "xoline"? xoline currently is a luxury fashion and beauty brand, I'd love to do a beauty collab with someone! I have plenty ideas so if that's something you'd like to do, hit me up! 

byrce hall fc: someone who'd been in the "haus of clout" (the content house caroline started with her friend roxy bowie), ex connection if wanted (though, Caroline is more than happily engaged and there would be no rekindling that relationship.) though, I'd be prefectly content with just some happy bromance type vibes. I'm flexible, as f***, so if it's something you'd be down for just hit me up! 

caroline's assistant: this person would be caroline's right hand, puts up with her being overly organzied, could be someone who's wanting to get into the fashion world, I do have an idea that her assistant somehow has been f***ing with her and providing information to her stalker without Caroline's knowledge, she thinkts they're basically family. 

07/05/2022 02:45 PM 

not alone.

If the sound of the front door opening and closing rather harshly wasn’t an indicator that Caroline had seemingly had a long day, the way she threw her bag down and collapsed on the couch with a loud sigh was certain to give it away. She’d been in meetings all day with her manager, and though she adored the woman, god, could she be annoying. Caroline hated sitting still, and hated trying to please a bunch of people with no creative vision about what she wanted to do. She hated sitting through pitches of people wanting to pay her to promote their product, men in poorly tailored suits offering her well under the industry standard assuming because she was still relatively young that they could manipulate her. The whole day, even though she spent it sitting, was more exhausting than the hardest of work outs, at least for the rather tired and grumpy woman who was laying on the large white couch staring blankly at her phone while two large dogs seemed to fight for her attention. 


The house was empty, aside from security, Abel was at rehearsals for his tour and that was another reason she’d been occupied most of the day. She’d forced her manager to plan her schedule based around his tour dates in hopes of spending the least amount of time apart. She knew that aside from just being together, it would ease his mind knowing she was safe near him with all the recent events with her stalker. She was simpler in her reasons, she loved him and loved seeing him sing, so it seemed like the only choice was to pack up and go with him. It also gave her time with him to plan their wedding that was coming up in just a few short months. 


After exchanging a few texts, letting Abel know that she was home and safe, and she knew that he wouldn’t be home for a while, she didn’t plan on doing much. She’d been laying on the couch for probably about an hour before she heard a bunch of noise coming from around the house, a suited security officer walking through telling her that the system had just rebooted or something it was just making the sensors go off that were placed on every single door and window, he was assuring her that everything was fine, and he had let the dogs out for a bit why they fixed it. The dogs were more than protective, and they could be an issue when moving quickly through the house, especially when Caroline was home. 


She didn’t think much of it, she knew that they were working on upping the security, to make it safer for her to be at home. The next little bit seemed like a blur, she’d found herself incredibly sleepy, the cup of coffee that someone had brought her not seeming to help, in fact, she was desperately sleepy, trying to close her eyes and feeling as if she was spinning. She couldn’t remember where the cup had come from, who brought it and if she asked for it. Caroline didn’t know how long she’d been there, or if there was even home until she opened her eyes and the spinning room was indeed in the home she shared with the love of her life. She felt like her body was trying to sleep but her mind was awake. She assumed that she was just having some weird form of lucid dreaming, and the soft caress that she felt on her face was just in a dream. It wasn’t until she started feeling sick that she started to panic, she tried to read the numbers of the time on her apple watch, and she couldn’t. 


She didn’t know how long she’d been there, she didn’t know if the soft voice that spoke to her about taking her away, that she’d made terrible choices, that it’d be so easy for her to never wake up was just a nightmare. She tried to wake up, standing to her feet, walking towards the kitchen just wanting a sip of water before her vision was more blurry than when she’d been laying, she felt more unbalanced, walking as if she’d had entire bottle of tequila towards the kitchen before it all went back and Caroline fell to the floor, completely unconscious and motionless in the well lit kitchen. Unbeknownst to the passed out brunette on the kitchen floor, she wasn’t alone at all. 

When Caroline opened her eyes, she wasn’t in her home anymore. She was at a crowded party, or event? It was familiar but a lot of these outdoor brand events seemed to look the same. She looked around, knowing that the people around her probably thought that she’d lost it, and perhaps that’s exactly what she was….lost? She tried to remember the last thing she saw, but she could’ve swore that she’d been at home, she’d been waiting on Abel, but here she was standing in the middle of a crowded place as people seemed to just move right past her, not even seeing her at all. 


She took a few steps, looking towards the fully stocked and staffed bar for any type of branding, and that’s when she saw her. She, being herself, dressed perfectly in her own designs with her hair blonder. She remembered the event, she’d been there with a few of her friends, it felt like forever ago, yet here she stood in the middle of it, looking into the past as if she’d stepped into some weird marvel timeline. Rationally, Caroline would’ve perhaps realized that she was dreaming, but she couldn’t help but move towards the bar, where her past self was waiting patiently for her turn to order another margarita on the rocks, the empty glass sitting in front of her. 


“What’s a pretty girl like you doing at a bar all alone?” A man asked her, her was dressed up, a full suit even though the weather was incredibly hot even as the sun had started to set. “Does that line work for you often?” she questioned, looking up at the man. His voice was familiar to Caroline, like this wasn’t the only time she’d heard it. It made the hair stand up on the back of her neck, and made her want to run from what she was seeing but yet she was forced to stand in place. “I am a man who rarely hears the word no.” he responded cooly, and perhaps that would’ve worked on someone else, but neither past Caroline or what she assumed to be present Caroline was impressed. The bartender noticed her coming over, “Put whatever she wants on my tab.” He said, and the bartender seemed nervous but completely agreed moving fast to get her drink as if he was scared of the man. 


That’s when she finally turned to look at him, he was older than her but not elderly, of course. “So, you’re just standing here buying drinks for people who didn’t ask?” she countered, not wanting anything to do with the man and his aversion to the word “no”. “It’s my party, my yacht, my world, dollface, if I want to buy a drink for a pretty girl, I’ll do it.” he countered, his words light and airy but his eyes didn’t smile, he looked at her like prey, like she wasn’t sure if he blinked. “Have you ever seen a yacht?” he asked, gesturing with his glass and causing Caroline to look over past the water that surrounded the event, and she shrugged. “Plenty of times.” she said as the bartender returned with her drink, “and I don’t want to see one tonight. I’m not interested, and you can keep your drink.” she said before turning on her heels and walking away back to the group of friends. It was when the man turned to lean against the bar that she knew exactly who that was…this was the man who wanted to kill her. This was the moment that had started the whole thing, this was what her subconscious was trying to tell her.


Caroline didn’t open her eyes for some time, and when she did, and she was back in her own house and not trapped in the past of her mind, the first thing that fell from her lips was, “I know who he is.”



04/26/2022 10:39 PM 

show me i'm yours,

Once in an interview, someone asked Caroline what was the most attractive thing about a man in her opinion Her answer was rather simple, it wasn’t a long list of physical attributes though that never hurt, but it was passion. Caroline adored passionate people, she loved people who were able to give one hundred percent. There was magic to be had when two people found passion together, it was addicting, and fulfilling. It was the biggest turn off for Caroline when someone half lived their life, and she felt like she’d finally found someone to match her passion in such a way that if their passion was flames—she’d go up in them without a single hesitation.

That’s where her mind wandered as she waited in the crowd, as close to the stage as she could be surrounded by both security, La Mar and Sal and anyone else who worked closely with the love of her life. She’d seen him perform before, once before they even met, and her own fashion show, but this was different. Perhaps, it was that she’d seen more of the preparations than she ever had. Or maybe it was that she styled him, so she knew that he looked more than fine. It was hard to even concentrate when she was measuring him to make sure that not only everything fit perfectly but he was comfortable, performing wasn’t for the weak.

The show started, and Caroline high from a blunt she shared and drunk on love and tequila shots was more than hype. She was so f***ing proud of him, he was so talented that she couldn’t even believe that he was hers. Maybe, it was that those same hands that gripped the microphone had also gripped around her throat, squeezing expertly to provide that little high that came from breath play but never hard enough to hurt her. Maybe, it was his lips that were parted to sing and cause every single girl in the crowd to swoon, had kissed all over her entire body, left bite marks to claim what was his, and if Caroline was anything in this world, she was his.

Maybe, just maybe, it was the way his arms looked in that shirt that she had to sort of coax him to wear, those same arms that wrapped around her waist to pull her into his lap. Or how his pants fit perfectly cause she spent time on her knees measuring him to ensure that perfect fit, and while she was down there, again, that was another whole story that if she thought about too much, she’d lose her mind.

It was the way she could see the passion for the music he’d created, the way he was so in his element. It was one hundred percent every time he noticed her, singing to her, always making her feel so f***ing special. It was her necklace around his neck, a little nod to the way he loved her, and the way she’d spent the last forty five minutes shaking her ass and being a bigger fan than the screaming people behind her. It didn’t help that Caroline did in fact know exactly how he could flick his tongue, or it was the small little “I see you, baby” that sent her completely over the edge.

The show was over and no one wanted to leave, except Caroline. She didn’t want to leave, but she certainly had other plans. She was escorted through the small section between the stage and the crowd, stopping to take photos with anyone who wanted, but her mind was on her man and how she wanted to see him.

The second she was able to see him, she ran towards him. “Baby–i’m sweaty, did you–” He started and her arms were around him quickly, cutting him off, lips on his kissing him with all that passion that she had only for him. “I don’t care.” she said simply, hands sliding down both of his arms to his hands to pull him towards a dressing room, not even sure it was his. “Take off your f***ing clothes and show me I’m yours.”

04/23/2022 07:35 PM 

something wicked this way comes.

There was always a calm before a storm. It was that moment when a person could look up at the sky and see the dark clouds moving in. That brief second that mother nature gives as a mercy to take cover, it just mattered if you were fast enough. Perhaps that’s where Shakespeare got the inspiration for the quote in Hamlet, “Something wicked this way comes,” and Caroline hoped that this tiny bit of calm wasn’t short lived, but as she kept learning, hope is a bitch.

Caroline had to go to her office, even with protests from Abel and the security team, Caroline was determined to go. With the official news of Abel’s residency with The Bank and the way that she’d just forced him to let her at least help with styling him for it, she needed to go to her now closing and moving office to gather some things. “Let security go for you.” he suggested, but she quickly shot them down explaining that she needed to gather fabric and she couldn’t trust anyone else to do it. There just wasn’t much time for error, her office had sold, so they were moving into her new building, and Caroline and Abel were relocating to New York for the month.

She promised to take one of the dogs, and she was off. It was Tank’s turn, so she gathered his leash and her bag, and she was off. She looked out of the window as her driver drove her, her mind wandered to the different pieces she wanted to create for her boyfriend, a happy distraction to the things that had been going on in her life. Caroline felt most herself when she was designing and she felt even more herself with Abel, so combining the two had made a little sunshine in the almost cloudy sky that had been her mind.

They arrived rather quickly, Caroline and Tank were escorted up through the elevator to the top floor where her personal office was, and the room that was lined with all the fabrics that Xoline had created. She liked being hands on in every single aspect of her clothes, from the fabric to the buttons to how smooth zippers could be, Caroline was involved. She spent the new few hours gathering everything that she thought that she’d need, and finished up. She didn’t really like this space anymore, it wasn’t a safe haven of clothes, it was just another place that had been tainted by her not so friendly neighborhood stalker.

“Come on, Tanky, let’s go, baby.” she said softly, piling all the things she needed into boxes from security to bring home. It was a perk to have such a large team of strong men watching out for her. She waited by the door for security to meet her. The door flew open and a member of the team walked in. “Um, hi. I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met.” she said softly, introducing herself and not thinking anything of the addition to her team. He explained that he just started and showed her the security badge that came from the company that Abel worked with, or she assumed.

He spoke quickly, like he was excited, or maybe nervous. That was something that she was used to, sometimes people just got nervous around her from seeing her on the internet, and it didn’t help that Abel quite often put the fear of god in everyone who was supposed to protect her. “Could you sign this for me? For my little sister? She’s a huge fan.” He asked and she of course agreed, he handed her a rather large book as they walked that forced her to hand Tank's leash over to the man who walked behind her for a second. She signed as she walked, “all my love, xo, caroline mccook.” as she walked into the elevator. Just as she closed the book, the elevator doors closed even quicker than Tank and the other security behind.

The elevator stopped immediately, it was stuck between two floors and the lights flickered. “Did you like my song, Caroline?” the man spoke, causing Caroline to back up. “....excuse me? What?” she said softly, hoping more than anything that she was wrong. But her gut feeling that she ignored earlier that day was spot on, because the smile on the man's face caused her to feel like this was the end for her. He wore sunglasses, large ones, that she hadn’t thought anything of when he met her in the office. She just assumed it was due to the way that they were about to be outside in the bright sun.

“What do you even want from me?” she questioned, scared, her voice shaking to show that. He moved quickly, his hand found her throat and her head hit the back of the wall on the elevator. She whimpered, his hand cutting off all the airflow, hard enough to leave bruises all across her neck. She couldn’t breathe at all, attempting to wiggle from the grasp but it made it worse. “Stop moving or I’ll have to use other things to keep you still.” He said and she relented, feeling dizzy like she might pass out from the lack of air. The elevator started moving, “F***, your team is getting better. But I'm still one step ahead, Caroline. Remember that.” he said, his lips brushing against her cheek causing her to cry even more than she already was.

“Soon, I’m not ready for you yet, but soon.” he said as the doors opened, the timing was terrible. Or he was smarter, she didn’t know, because the elevator stopped on the second to the last floor, where no one was waiting and he slipped right through before sending the scared and bruised Caroline who was laying on the floor of the elevator trying to catch her breath to the bottom where security and Tank was waiting.

04/12/2022 04:23 PM 

"He quit for me, Vin."


“I’m going to see Vinny today.” Caroline said simply as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror toothbrush in hand and the sound of the shower running behind her filling the spacious room with steam and fogging up the mirrors. Abel, ever calm, didn’t miss a beat from behind the curtain of the shower, the tiniest of veils between the couple. “Oh? Do you want me to come with you? I can cancel my plans.” He offered simply, though she was sure he knew she’d be declining. “No, it’s fine, I can go alone. Roxy just said he tried to see me and I wasn’t there. I just want to be the one to tell him.” She explained, resulting in the “I figured you did” from the  kind and patient man that had loved her through it. 


It had been over longer than both Vinny and Caroline cared to admit it. She was holding on so tightly, scared that if she let go even for a second, the drugs would be the death of him. She was constantly on edge, a text saying “I’m going out.” would cause her to want to throw up, worrying that this time would be the last time. Every single fight that ended in her begging him to stop, begging him to want to live, and begging him to love her more than the drugs. He didn’t then, and she hoped that he now at least loved himself more than the drugs. 


Caroline found him. She’d been the one who’s heart dropped into her designer heels the second someone shrugged when she asked, “Where’s Vinny?” That was code for Vinny had slipped out of the party and slipped another needle in his arm while Caroline stood clueless in front of all their shared friends. She’d rushed through every single closed door at this party. The party was wild, but that was the scene, “I’m a rockstar, baby, remember that?” Vinny had always told her, rather in the good or the bad, he pretended that the addiction had everything to do with anyone but himself.

It was the last door she opened, she was starting to think he’d left her there. It wouldn’t have been the first time she’d been an afterthought in their relationship, so she wasn’t surprised. That’s when she found him, she screamed at the top of her lungs. She rushed over to him, collapsing to the floor, sliding his head into her lap. “Someone help him, please.” she cried, screaming at people who had followed her. 


“Wake up. Wake up, Vinny. Right now. It’s not funny, please, wake up, wake up.” she repeated, tears streaming down her face and her voice so small and broken that she wasn’t even sure it was audible. For three minutes, she screamed. She sobbed. She broke. She prayed to whatever god that she wasn’t sure that she believed in. The paramedics had to physically lift Caroline from his side, “Someone needs to call some for her. She’s in shock.” she’d heard someone say, as she fought from being held back as the paramedics started saving Vinny’s life. It wasn’t until they had a heart beat that the loud sobs turned to quiet ones, collapsing on the floor no longer fighting the man that held her back. 


He was taken away quickly, rushed to the hospital to continue whatever life saving they could do. “Do you want a ride, Care?” Someone asked as she looked for her phone. “Nope.” she said softly, “Are you okay?” they asked again, so f***ing calm that it made her want to strangle him. “You know what? I’m done. F*** this and f*** you.” she said, pushing past the person and made her way to the door. “F*** me? I know you just went through something, but f***, he’s gonna be fine, Care, chill. Have a drink?” he said, causing Caroline to spin on her heels. 

“You’re the reason he’s f***ing like that. “Oh, everything’s such a party, it’s all fun, we’re just f***ing around.” this is going to kill him, he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop. And his life? That’s on your hands because god knows, he won’t quit for me. He won’t quit for himself. But you're supposed to be his friend, you’re supposed to notice when it’s gone too far. He f***ing died in my lap for three minutes, three whole minutes. Grow the f*** up before you’re next.” she screamed at the quiet crowd. 


Roxy drove her to the hospital, they sat almost silently by his bedside for hours. It wasn’t until he woke up that Caroline felt she could breathe again. And she was faced with the realization that she couldn’t do this anymore. He was killing her. His addiction was the noose around both of their necks, and she was already standing on her toes trying to catch glimpses of air, and she wanted to live. God, she wanted to live. She wanted to start being so scared all the time. She wanted to stop screaming at the man who was supposed to love her to stop hurting her. She was tired of the photos of other girls, and the times he’d pass out for hours  letting her be the one to worry if he’d wake. 


She stayed until the day he was released, “Vinny, I can’t be here anymore…..” She said softly, explaining that she couldn’t stick around and watch him waste away and kill himself. She begged him to believe in himself and get clean. It must’ve worked because Vinny had gone to rehab and put in the work, it was just that the damage was done. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about him, because she did so very deeply, it was just that at some point, Caroline had to love herself enough to leave. 


She took his calls in rehab, but never spoke about getting back together. He’d been home and clean for a while, and he went to see her at her old house, but Caroline had moved on both in address and relationships. It wasn’t that it was secret, Abel and Caroline didn’t hide, their names both decorated plenty of TMZ articles about their new and budding romance. So, when she got back from Rome, and Roxy told her that he’d been looking for her, she wanted to tell him herself. 

She went to his studio where she knew he’d be, she slipped in her normal spot until he noticed her and threw off the headphones and came to sit with her. They spoke casually, she told him that she was proud of him for getting clean and starting to make music again. It wasn’t until she spoke the little words, “I met someone…” that his face changed, it dropped but in a different way than she expected. Perhaps he’d known it was over just as much as she did, and she hoped more than anything it wouldn’t be enough to send him over the edge.

“Roxy said…what’s he like?” he asked curiously, and Caroline raised her eyebrow, “Abel? Oh, he’s…perf-” she started, not exactly sure what she should say. “You’re in love with him.” he said and Caroline nodded sincerely, she was so in love with him. “He quit for me, Vin.” she said softly, knowing that he probably knew of Abel’s past with coke, and she knew the words were harsh, but she also knew that they were both the truth and the words that would cause Vinny to understand. 

04/11/2022 09:01 PM 

"i pray you die slowly,"


Caroline wondered how long she could fake being okay and putting on a brave face before it wasn’t just an act anymore. It wasn’t that her acting was improving, she knew that Abel knew her anxiety was starting to get the best of her. She knew he lingered in bed longer than usual trying to provide as much sanctuary against the cruel and scary reality that Caroline could seriously be in danger. She saw it in his eyes when he’d go to work, pretending that he fully trusted security and had it all under control. It wasn’t until his lips lingered longer and longer each time as if he was silently begging her to stay safe, willing it to be so that he’d make it through the day without a call that once again one man had once again gotten a little too close to home. 


That’s half the reason she decided to work from home today, so that perhaps he’d have a little less stress knowing she was at least protected behind the gates of their community, and the security of their home that was ever adapting to the ever changing situation that breathed down Caroline’s neck. She was putting her office on the market, quietly, selling the work space that she’d once been proud of. She’d given everyone who worked for her the week off with pay, so that she could hopefully find a new office building to get settled into quickly. Deadlines didn’t wait for psychopaths, and she didn’t want to disappoint anyone. And if she was honest, which Caroline normally was, she needed to focus on work so she didn’t let him take that from her, too. 


It was an abnormally gloomy day for California, something that she almost enjoyed. She could sit and stare out of the window watching it rain and letting the sound of it hitting the roof soothe the stress. She just needed to edit some videos, and start working on organizing her latest collection. So, she’d found a nice comfortable spot with her laptop by the window all curled up and feeling like a princess locked away in a tower. And for once? She was perfectly content with her false sense of security….and that’s the funny thing about false senses of security…it’s fake. 


The lights flickered, causing her to look up from her computer, to outside to gauge if the storm had gotten that bad without her realizing. She texted Abel, reminding him to be careful on the way home that the lights were flickering, so she assumed the storm had taken a turn for the worse. She’d been in the kitchen gathering candles just in case they’d need them, and like the throw pillows, Caroline loved candles so they had more than enough to light the way if need be. The bluetooth speaker started to play, causing Caroline to jump. “Alexa, turn off.” she said, though the song kept playing ignoring the request and the words sung in an acoustic melody didn’t make her feel any better. 


“You don't know how much I adore this damp rag soaked in chloroform, it makes me so hard to ignore, cause I could never keep your attention”


She yelled for Alexa to stop playing, but it ignored her request again. She went to the wall and unplugged it, the sounds only stopping for a second before it switched to the speaker in the living room. The volume rose to blaring from not only the bluetooth speaker in the room, to the surround sound and the TV causing the room to fill with the song so loud that she couldn’t miss a single word, and she knew that’s exactly what he wanted. 


“I'm not one to make threats, I've been reduced to promises, I lie to myself cause I do it best I'm not honest with my intentions”


If Caroline had been thinking clearly, if the anxiety didn’t feel like it was causing her bones to shake inside her skin, she’d focus on the voice trying to place it. She walked around the room, pressing off buttons, frantically trying to find the last source of the noise to yank it from the wall and throw it down, but she never could find it fast enough. Her breathing was quickening, she looked towards the door wondering if security could also hear the haunting song that blared throughout the house. She rushed from the living room, but the song seemed to follow her…reminding her of what she was messing with, and reminding her that once again that she didn’t have as much control as she thought did, and for a control freak? That’s a tough pill to swallow. 


“Now if I can't have you no one can, I'll be the last boy you hang up on”


The words were too specific to ignore, a taunt, another game played with the small woman. A game to remind her that even behind her walls of security, gates, and well planned safety measures that she wasn’t safe. She started to cry, rushing down the hallway and up the stairs as the sounds followed her as she ran. It reminded her of when she was young, and the halls were dark, and she’d be certain a monster was waiting in the shadows to get her. The song was like he was nipping at her heels, getting close enough to breathe down her neck and play some sick game of cat and mouse. 


“So when the blindfold starts to slip, And the rope starts to rip and I slowly start to give

And girl, you know I'm sorry”


Was this song a direct response to the questions they’d discussed supposedly in the privacy of their own home? They’d wondered what the plan for this guy was since it started, did he love Caroline? Did he just want her all to himself and once she fell in love with Abel it set him off? She didn’t know, she felt like she didn’t know much, her hands shaking and whatever mask of a brave face she’d been holding onto for the last week slipped revealing an exhausted and scared woman. She felt like she was always  holding her breath in anticipation of what could happen next, and she was running out of oxygen, soon she’d have to come to the surface or drown. Sink or swim. 


She screamed at Alexa to shut off, she unplugged everything in their room and yet the song still filled it. It was so heavy, so big, so loud and so dark that she felt like the room was packed. Like each line of the song, each strum of the guitar, or each occasional bang of a drum filled the room, taking up space, taking up oxygen, and making it hard to breathe. She looked at the door, wondering if she could beat the sounds to another room, she was desperate for it to stop, she was begging for seconds of silence though the song didn’t relent. But Caroline did, finding herself sitting on the floor in the corner of their room, arms wrapped around her legs trying to make herself as small as possible waiting for it to pass. 


“She's losing consciousness, I'm gaining confidence It's starting to make sense, woah-oh woah-oh

She's covered in fingerprints, From her lips to her hips”


The words haunted her, they were repetitive, and they were threatening. Her breathing continued to quicken, until she was hyperventilating, unable to not hear the song. She closed her eyes, trying to cover her ears but it was too loud or she was too weak, she wasn’t sure which. She felt like each time she blinked she was flashing back and forth from this to her room in the clout house where her attack happened. She felt like she’d made it nowhere, and the man would kill her before he’d let her live in peace with someone else. A man who got off on scaring, reminding her that he could get to her easily, that it didn’t matter how much security Abel hired for her, or how often she stayed home. If he wanted, he could have her and she felt that he’d rather have her dead….than not at all. The last words in the song started to repeat, and Caroline started retreating into herself. 


The doors flung open, security rushing through, “Caroline…Caroline, it’s okay, you’re safe.” but she barely heard them, sobbing into her knees and unable to collect herself. The head of security rushed through, walking towards her quickly, causing her to jump and slide back even closer to the wall. “It’s me, Caroline, you’re safe.” he repeated lifting his hand and then putting it down immediately when he realized that touching her wasn’t the best plan. “We’ve called Abel, he’ll be here soon, it’s okay, I won’t touch you. I’m just going to sit here until he’s here, okay?” The man spoke, softer than usual, and the mention of the name of the love of her life caused her to pause for a second, “Abel?” she repeated, confirming that he’d be there with her soon, not even feeling any shame about needing him so desperately that the mention of his name caused her to feel like she could breathe for a half a second. But as the last line of the song repeated for its final time, Caroline broke down again. 


“…………I pray you die slowly so I can be the last thing you see”



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