how i end.

Last Login:
October 18th, 2021

Gender: Other

Age: 30
Country: United States

Signup Date:
June 03, 2021


10/18/2021 08:41 PM 

chapter four.

chapter four.

the next day was chaotic, to say the least. i was shaking with anxiety as i sat in the office at the gym, staring at the illuminated screen, chewing on my finger nails. the screen of my computer illuminating the side of my face as i had the overhead light off, allowing the bright fall day to flood the windows, rather than my office light.

the music echoed from the big weight room and bumped throughout the building; the beat giving me a weird sense of solace as it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. cassius left the house immediately after we found the house completely cleaned, heading into the station to do whatever made him feel confident in the moment.

and i went to the only place i felt control: the gym. i stared at the corner, thinking about corey. i thought about his eyes; the last time i saw him, the last time i ever looked him in the eye. i remember the way they looked when he wanted to kill me, hands wrapped around my neck.

spit against my skin. blood to the surface. scratching at his knuckles.

i break myself from my thoughts and pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling the tension against my spine, crawling up my back like corey was there himself, tearing into the flesh.

reminding that he was just below the surface. . . waiting.

leaning back in my chair, i stared at the ceiling and brought my hands up, dry rubbing my face before collecting myself.

standing from my desk, i walked toward the open gym, taking a lap. i watched, assuring each movement was correct for each member. i cleaned. i scrubbed. i gave free training sessions — anything to stop thinking about my house and how it wasn’t my house anymore.

he had touched it and dirtied it. just like he’d done to me. i’d been able to keep this darkness away from cas for the most part, against his wishes. but it looked like i wasn’t going to get my way this time. i dreaded what cassius’ had to say because i knew it would only make me more anxious.

i loved the man, but looking on the bright side was not his strongest suit. to which, i understand. we both came from dark backgrounds, but his anxiety rubbing against mine didn’t always make for the best nights.

i just hoped that our communication was getting better; he understood me better than he used to. we’d been through the ringer since the start, thanks to corey. but regardless of how hard i pushed, cassius was always there. holding his hand out for me to grab when i was ready. and he’d mutter, “hard headed woman” and kiss my forehead. we were getting better. we were working toward real trust.

a phone call is what broke my concentration. i stared at the screen, in awe. i hadn’t seen that name in a very long time. amelia, my little sister. the phone vibrated in my hand for longer than i thought phones rang for. but finally, closed.


the words stared back at me; i was intimidated by them and refused to admit it to myself. i poked the phone back in my pocket only to be annoyed once more. another ring.

pulling the phone back out, i stared at her name before hitting the green. “hello?”

“thank you for finally answering,” snarked amelia through the phone. i could see her face in my head as she spoke, only keeping up with her via socials — hidden, of course.

“what do you want?” i asked, staring at the windows that overlooked the parking lot. the lights in the lot had turned on, illuminating a foggy dark lot. i’d just had the parking lot repaved. “you need to come home,” stated amelia as simply as telling me the weather. a demand, really.

“what’d you say?”

“you need to come home. now,” stated amelia once more over the phone, dead panned — like she was talking to someone she thought was stupid.

“why?” i didn’t have the energy to deal with her bullsh*t.

“dad is sick and you need to come home.”

i let out a loud sigh before i chuckled a bit, “you call me after 3 years of silence and demand me to come see a man that doesn’t even claim me as his daughter?” i couldn’t help the childish chuckle that left my lips before i continued, “you have some nerve, mel.”

i could hear her breathing on the other side of the phone; it was faint, but i swear she was crying. my stomach began to turn at the thought of hurting her before she retorted, “quit being a bitch and get home. dad is dying.”

hang up.

i pulled back to stare at my phone, looking at the screen as it went to my recents; her name staring at me like a cancer cell on a scan.

the idea of my father dying hadn’t hit, but the anger for him did as i thought back to our last conversation. not even! a text, of all things. just ending it — like i was some whore he dismissed. the thought of it disgusted me. i was officially my mother to my father: just another crazy woman. with an eye roll, i ran my fingers through my hair tugging at the ends softly before dropping my arm to hit against my thigh. walking back toward the office, i said goodbye to a few regulars as cassius walked into the gym. one look at his face, i knew this was best in the office. i nodded my head toward him and he nodded toward me, heading toward the office as i finished speaking with the clients and heading toward him.

“so?” i asked, immediately as i walked into the office, looking at the dark featured man that sat behind my best. his elbows on his knees and his eyes staring off into space. i moved toward the chair that was in front of the desk and waited a moment before repeating, “babe?”

his eyes moved from the corner to me so quickly, i questioned the nature of my reality. was i dreaming? goosebumps appeared against my forearms and down the back of neck as he took in a breath before leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms over his chest. his eyes, hazel, staring back at me.


“he’s out, rachael,” said cassius, “corey.” i opened my mouth to speak, but he continued, “they have no idea where he is.” his hand moved through the air like a wave, “poof. he’s off grid. his po has been calling and went to his house to find it empty.”

i stared at cassius as i took in everything he was saying. my fingers felt tingly as i held onto the frame of the door. no clue where he is? they couldn’t have zero clue; corey wasn’t that smart. unless he had help, which was possible. even so, what did he want? we were finished — he did his time and that was that. what else could this man possibly want from me?

“rachael?” said cassius, trying to bring me to the present, but all i could think of was corey’s eyes once more, stalking me like a fly on the wall. taking in every move, desperate to understand it.

“okay,” i said, finally. it was all i could muster.

“okay?” said cas as he raised his eye brow, standing from the chair and walking around the desk. he pulled the chair out next to me and sat down, facing me. “babe, you gotta talk to me.”

“i don’t know what to say. he’s out. he’s in the wind — what else can we-“

“let’s leave. let’s just go,” said cas, immediately interrupting me.

“cassius, we can’t just leave,” i chuckled, shaking my head and looking down toward my hands in my lap. my mind went to indiana and the house that my parents owned in northern indiana. i thought about fall in indiana and the way the leaves changed; the trees looking like fire with oranges and browns. “i can’t just leave my work,” i said, looking around. i literally owned the place.

“owners leave all the time and take time off,” he said as he shook his head, “we need to leave for awhile.”

“he isn’t here,” i argued; frustration laced my lips like lip gloss and cassius knew it all too well. he knew where it was headed. he had to, by now.

“you don’t know he isn’t,” stated cassius. “i spoke to the chief and he agreed that we should leave. just a few days,” said cassius. “we can go see sarah and justin?” he suggested, knowing that i was missing sarah, deeply. especially having had all this drama as of late.

my stomach instantly cringed at the thought of daniel and the trial. i thought about that paper saying my name and a date for the hearing.

”why is daniel calling you as a witness?” sarah’s word echoed in my head as i shook my head, “we can’t go there. sarah, eh,” i took a breath, “she’s really busy with the kids and the trial coming up. i’m not bothering her.”

cassius’ shoulders sagged and i could tell he was starting to get frustrated with my immediate tear downs. he knew i didn’t want to leave. “why are you pushing so hard?” i questioned, my eyes squinting at him.

“because we shouldn’t be here if that f*** is here,” stated cas like it was a matter of fact. “i’m tired of running,” i finally stated, annoyance dripping from the words that hung, heavy in the air.

cassius looked at me and i looked at him. without a beat, he took a step toward me and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my hair. i could feel my body crumple against him as i began to cry.

how did he know? i began to sob into his chest in the office of the gym. the lights dim as the staff began to close. “i’m sorry,” said cas as i pulled back, wiping at my face and pushing my hair out of my face. he softly patted back the air, to help me get it out of my face. he blew soft, cool air against my flushed face.

i didn’t deserve him.

with a sniffle, i looked at cas and nodded, “indiana.”

he looked at me, confused, “indiana? why would we-“

“amelia called me. my father is sick,” i said. my nose was completely congested and my eyes heavy from the inflammation.

his eyebrows fell as his forehead fell and closed his eyes before nodding, “rach-“

“it’s fine,” i said to myself, my voice betraying me as it broke softly. i caught myself, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “corey isn’t there, right? probably the smartest place to be.” cassius nodded softly and pet back my hair, rubbing at my skull softly with his fingers. he loved to play with my hair. “okay baby,” he finally whispered. “indiana it is.”

the idea of going back to my home shook through my spine, making me feel uneasy. i thought things were going to be different, that i wouldn’t be this girl ever again.

i couldn’t be her again. i couldn’t be scared. i couldn’t have fear anymore.

this was not how i ended.

10/11/2021 10:14 PM 

chapter three.

chapter three.

i stared at the ugly vase that i brought in college as a dare from sarah. we always did some stupid bullsh*t when it came to dares — it made us feel, alive. it was a weird rush, feeling that adrenaline of being caught, of being bad. it was tall and round and this ugly yellow colored.

she called it the diarrhea vase — where flowers go to die, because i always was absolutely no green thumb and flowers died instantly in my presence.

there was constant chaos in my home, but oscar sat on my lap, ensuring that i just stayed put while cas went into full cop mode. he began by calling a few friends as well as his sergeant; i honestly couldn’t tell you what happened. i just kept seeing those three words: I SEE YOU.

my eyes captured the red of the letter so vividly that i could see it like a photo in front of my face, hanging on the wall or above the tv. a vibration brought me back to the present, seeing a text from sarah; cassius must have told her about what happened. opening the text, i see the words that i try to comprehend.

custody? a custody battle for the kids? i thought about my best friend, about justin and pip — but then i thought of daniel and william. i thought about the kids, about the nights they allowed me to be there. to remind them that their aunt was still there, no matter where mommy went.

unable to take much of reality, i set my phone back down and began to put oscar behind the ears. his white fur shred onto my dark leggings that i wore from my workout. “miss —“

“rachael, call me rachael, “ i said to the police officer who came to sit down in front of me. “my name is-“

“hey, no not him,” said cassius as he looked to the detective and back toward his boss.

“honey sit down,” i said to him, my voice calm while cas’ wavered. i was surprised to hear the break in his voice; normally i was the chaotic one. “what were you saying?” i asked the officer as i grabbed cas’ hand, holding it tight as he sat next to me.

his eyes never left my form as i sat next to him, talking through next steps as to what exactly this even was. “should i be concerned?” i asked, after speaking about corey’s recent release and him leaving the state — which he had every right to do.

“i’ll contact his PO and see if he has a forwarding address; to be successful, they have to have something lined up,” said the officer before standing up. i followed suit as did cassius until everyone stood around the coffee table.

“well, thank you,” i said as i pushed my hands against my hands from my back, trying to stretch the tightness there. i knew i was stalling; i was stalling the fear, the could be’s. i was waiting until i was alone; until i could be alone. but the problem was, cassius was never going to let me out of his sight now.

as he walked the officers to the door, i stood up, setting oscar down on the couch and began to stretch my arms over my head. the relief of tight muscles felt good for only a moment before the sour stomach sunk in.

something was going on; i wasn’t sure what and neither was cassius, but something was up. as cas walked back toward the living room, the house clearing out, he stood at the doorframe of the entrance to the open living room, staring at me. “do we need to talk about it?”

“i don’t think so,” i said, honestly; unsure of my feelings, i didn’t know really how else to respond. “do you need to talk?”

“i just wanted to check where your head was,” he said, his voice a tone i knew all too well. the girlfriend is crazy, but i love her no matter what, tone. i knew he just wanted to make sure i was never back to that darkness that had been there before.

too many close calls.

walking toward him, i wrapped my stretched arms around his small waist and tugged him closer. “you don’t need to worry,” i said to him with a small smile, looking up at him as my forehead touched his.

a scoff left his lips as he smiled, “you trip over your own foot. i’m constantly worried.”

well, f***, he wasn’t wrong. “listen, i didn’t ask for a co-sign on my lack of balance and stoner-isms,” my sass was in full swing; my hands resting lightly on his hips. he was thick and broad; a unit to be dealt with.

and i knew that if i ever needed him, that cassius i knew when i first met him — the one who was a drunk, who tried to fight everyone — the one who gambled away everything, but somehow still made it back to work the next day; the one who would do anything necessary to protect would reveal himself. he’d calmed over the years, but with this new information about corey — i knew sore subjects were likely to surface.

truth was: corey was plague to us all. i tried to keep corey out of it as much as i could, but due to his knowledge of corey pre us dating, along with what he found out — cassius had been dragged through it. it didn’t help his suspension from the streets either because corey was everywhere. he was the weird homeless guy on the corner that watched you, he was the weird feeling you get with your back to the back of the shower, like something is there. he’s the chill down my spine every morning. the recurring nightmare i can’t shake.

“i love you,” he said finally, in a whisper, “and i can’t lose you. oscar and i can’t lose you.” my brown eyes met his hazel ones, glitter of green throughout his eyes. “you won’t,” i reminded him. “i’m right here.” as i spoke, i felt his hands tighten around my waist as i pulled him closer, reaching up and running my fingers through his buzz cut along the back of his tense neck.

his traps, large, and tight through even his tshirt. i began to scratch his back, to feel as he melted into me, humming softly. i wonder about the things corey did and the things you do and you’re nothing a like; but i’m still terrified.

i can’t explain it. you’ll leave; eventually. i know you will.

but you’re still here. you’re holding me.

you’re telling me you want to marry me but that we dont have to if i dont want to because of my beliefs of marriage. he’s saying i can be rachael nicole with him rather than be him.

i don’t understand his words because they dont exist. no one is actually this way; the way i know is control, is pain, is nothing else to say.

it’s emptiness and autopilot, like the tesla’s that park themselves. i am that turned off from the world, but you. . . you’ve turned on the light. i’m unsure how, but you’ve turned on the light and started the flicker.

it isn’t much, but it’s enough for you.

it’s enough for me, which only helps the flames grow.

that night, cassius and i make love well into the early morning hours. his kisses stained against my bare skin for the world to know that i am his through my soul; made of his own just as eve to adam.

but as two people rather than one entity. and for just a second, i believe that this can be real. that cassius can love me. can handle it.

but as we leave the house to look at the message on my house, we both realized that the message is now gone. no trace of the red paint that haunts my dreams. no trace of a single thing — had i dreamed it? i looked to cas who looked at me, looking back toward the house. “okay, did you see something on this wall or was i sleep walking again?” he finally asked.

09/30/2021 08:09 PM 

chapter two.

chapter two.

i stared at the letter that sat on the kitchen table that was across from where i sat in the living room. i sat next to the fireplace, clasping my hands together. the embers from the fire behind me cast shadows across the dark room as i sat in silence, listening to the world around me.

i was too anxious to sleep. too busy thinking about corey, about the last time i sat him. goosebumps ran up and down my spine as i thought of his smile; the one that held so many secrets. so many things that i’d never believed i could do. i did them for him. why? i still don’t know.

with cassius and oscar asleep in the other room, i was left to my own thoughts as i stared at that letter. what would that mean? would corey come back around? i remembered his words about saying that he didn’t believe our story was over; he refused to believe that i could live without him.

and for awhile, i believed it, too. because i thought that it was either that or i was alone — which, i had accepted. i’d rather be alone than be with someone who treated me the way he did. my one rule was if anyone laid a hand on me, i wouldn’t stick around. i had to at least have some conviction in myself.

so no matter his tricks or gimmicks, i knew i would never go back. and he knew that, so was i overreacting? probably, however, i knew corey to his core. . or, i thought i did. maybe i didn’t actually know him at all.

raking my fingers through my hair, i tugged at the ends with eyes closed, thinking about the last time i saw him in the courtroom. the way he looked at me. ”baby, wake up,” i heard a voice echoing before slowly opening my eyes. i was on the couch, covered in a blanket. a fire still going but the sun was up and oscar laid at my feet.

"hey, good morning,” cas said as he ran his fingers gently over my cheek and into my hair, brushing it softly as i hummed, trying to wake up fully. we missed you in bed, baby. couldn’t sleep? he asked as he moved to sit on the edge of the couch that i was curled up in. oscar snorted as cassius moved him toward me, to curl against my side.

i shook my head, yawning and rubbing my eyes before reaching for my glasses and looking at him. god, he was handsome. he has some major bedhead, but i loved his hair. i smiled softly and slowly to which he responded, “what?”

“nothing,” i murmured, before looking down at my lap and back toward him. “i just couldn’t shut my brain off, so i came out here. i didn’t want to wake you,” i explained, pushing myself up to a sitting position which caused another snort from oscar as he stood up, shook and jumped off the couch.

“you can wake me up anytime, you know that,” said cas as he leaned forward, kissing my forehead and standing up.

i pushed the blanket off me that i had tugged from the couch onto me in my sleep and tossed it back onto the back of the couch before smiling at cassius, running my fingers through my bedhead, “i know, i know, but you’re so cute when you sleep,” i said with a little giggle. he responded in like, rolling his eyes as he turned away from me and headed back toward the kitchen. “get your butt in here! let’s eat!” he hollered from the kitchen which made me laugh before heading to the kitchen to eat with him.

as the morning continued, cas and i went about our merry way. we both headed into the gym to lift before i went back in for work. after the gym, we always got ready together — he’d head toward the station and me back toward the gym.

the gym was packed that night in particular, but i wasn’t sure why. “what’s going on in here?” i asked as i slung my bag over my shoulder, looking at the front staff. with a shrug, they answered my question enough to forget about it by the time i got to my desk. hours went by as i completed backend work as well as new sign ups, sending out mail — paying the bills, replacement orders, stock orders — there was a lot that went into running a business, let alone a gym. i couldn’t imagine having one of those box gyms where i couldn’t make the place my own for how much sh*t i do pay for to keep my establishment the way it was.

when i first got to salt lake, everyone in the small town outside the city where the gym was located thought i was nuts for buying the property — but after a couple months and then a year and another one, the place had become somewhere for body builders, power lifters, and just normal folk to stop by. some stopped by to see me, from my pro days — others just come because of the industry. we were on the map of gyms across the us, which i was lucky for due to what bridges i kept afloat from those years. just another reason for corey to be brought up to the forefront of my mind. my mind went to the letter, to cassius, to the fact that he was out, but i shook it away. i couldn’t focus on that while at work.

there was nothing i could do about the fact that he was out. he’d done his time — he was somewhere, just not here. and that was all i cared about.

i wasn’t sure how long i sat like that, but eventually my phone rang, which broke me of my serious reverie as i thought of corey, about the things he’d done — about the things i’d done. escaping indiana, escaping that world was the only way out of the hole i’d dig myself there. with friends, with family — it was nowhere to me now, minus my sister and father. as per usual, cas showed up around closing time, about 30 mins to give the ‘ole bag a toss before heading home. this was our ritual.

around 9, i began the process of shutting down the gym. it was 24 hours to members, but i always made sure to shut everything respectively down, minus the music. i normally just allowed the night staff or whoever was there to play whatever they wanted at night. we didn’t have to worry about upsetting grandma at 2am when the goons from the colleges came. i coached a few of the kids, one of which worked at night.

“i got this, boss,” said cool kid luke. he was tall and had this curly blonde hair with faded. side. the kid was a natural in body building and had traded working for coaching. and by working, i mean keeping an eye on the place while him and his buddies worked out all night.

i didn’t mind. luke was a good kid, “thanks luke. i appreciate it.” i said to him, counting up the drawer as he went around to spot check. as he walked down the hall toward the locker rooms for last check, he gave cas a high five as cas walked from the locker room toward the front, on the other side of the counter.

“what’s that kid’s name again?” asked cas as he looked over his shoulder. the brim of his flat bill sticking from his jacket as he looked back toward me.

“luke,” i answered as cas retorted, “good kid. i like him.” i could only laugh in response as he was such a dad in the making.

just another conversation i’d yet to have with him. another conversation about feeling like a sub character in my life rather than a partner. another conversation about how i hid things, i didn’t tell him things, etc. explaining corey wasn’t nor was it the exact easiest story to explain to a future love interest.

by the way, i was a slave for 5 years of my life. no like a legit slave, but got paid. but also paid with my blood and life. insert smiley.

“ready to go, babe?” asked cassius as he waved his hand in front of my face, as i’d gone down my path again. day dreaming.

nodding, i responded quickly, “yeah, sorry. just tired.”

that was until we both pulled into our respective spots at the house in the garage. it was detached, further back from the house. i wanted to build something give enough to have equipment in at the house as well. “what’s for dinner?” i ask, stepping out of the garage with cas in tow.

“oh, i dunno, wait i thought you were cooking..” cas’ voice trailed off as we both stared at the back of my house. covering the wooden panes, carved into oak with paint, was a message that something was coming.

on the side of my house said, “I SEE YOU” in bold red.

with a gasp, i dropped my gym bag.

09/23/2021 03:46 PM 

chapter one.

chapter one.

the day started out just as any other day. my alarm went off, which i immediately snoozed and snuggled cassius for at least 10 more minutes, listening to the rhythmic sounds of his breathing. i tried to match mine to his as i just laid, enjoying his company in the quiet darkness of early morning.

that is until the snooze goes off once more and i feel movement near my feet. time to get up.

with the snooze off and oscar uncovered from the blankets that he slept under between cat and i, we headed to the kitchen. we had a routine. make coffee. kibble. potty and then he’d nap in the sunlight while i worked a bit before cas woke up and we had breakfast before heading to the gym.

and that’s what we did. day in and day out. and i adored it. but this day, this day was different. it started out just as any other..

pulling open the door, i let oscar run along the sidewalk that led down the driveway of the private property i owned and built my house on. walking toward the mailbox, having forgotten yesterday, i had an odd feeling. something in the pit of my stomach just aching, cramping my entire body.

after grabbing the mail, i walked back up the trail as oscar joined me by my side, ready to go inside for his treat. but stopped in front of the door way, which made him pause.

in my hand was a letter from indiana — which was never a good thing. my hands began to shake as i held the envelope in my hand, trying to read who it was from. it all came back to me. corey. the night. court — everything. it was before cas, before utah, before all of this.

this letter was for a rachael that had died three years ago. she died and was buried back in indiana. i was no longer that girl, that sad pathetic little girl.

i willed my feet to move and my body to overcome the fear as oscar walked into the house and whined before i finally made it in. “sorry buddy,” i whispered to him as i sat the mail on the table near the door where i tossed my keys. “let’s get you a treat baby,” i said, rubbing the jowls of his little frenchie face before standing back up and heading to the kitchen, with oscar in lead, of course.

walking back into the kitchen, i began my morning routine after giving my pup his treat. i watched as oscar walked back toward the bedroom to cuddle with cassius, which may have been my favorite sight i’d ever seen. reaching into the cabinet, i start on coffee and i'm back to autopilot.

this happens a lot and is a sign of post traumatic stress disorder. and it's something i'd learned to live with. my body, in a constant slight of fight or flight due to the years of abuse, my body tends to turn off when it isn't needed. time flies by and a couple hours go by. i had moved to my study and began working on a few pieces of writing before i felt arms snake over my hunched shoulders and reached down, kisses in my hair, love on my mind. “hey you,” cas said in a raspy morning voice to give me goosebumps.

good morning,” i said softly, looking away from my computer and looking toward the muse that inspired them. that knot still in my stomach as he smiles at me. “listen,” i begin, but he holds his hand up, “wait baby, one minute.” he said before running out of the room. furrowing my brow and tilting my head, i laughed before standing up from my chair and walking out of the office and down the hallway.

where had he gone? what was he doing? as i walked into the bedroom, there he was, sitting on the bed - naked. “this is a good morning,” i said, watching as he flexed and smiled. i couldn’t not laugh at his ridiculous need to make me laugh. we make love, for how long -- i'm unsure, but his love is like anything i've ever felt before. 

i swear i can touch the stars when he makes me undo. there's something about his touch and the way he plays my body like a pianist. his touch is lithe and light and something different all together. i'm so lucky to love him. 

more time flies by, the day goes on and life continues. but that knot. it doesn’t go away. in the back of my mind, i know that letter is there. it’s crying out for me. it needs me to read it.

curiosity always killed the cat in the end, didn’t it? or at least semi attractive women with big tits like me? f***.

as cas showered before bed, i went back out to the foyer and grabbed the envelope off of the table and stared at it. even in the dark, the letters gave me goosebumps. walking back toward the bedroom, i held it between my both hands and plopped down on the bed. the sounds of the shower echoed from the master that was off of the master bedroom. i could see cas’ naked reflection in the large mirror that echoed the wall of the shower. at least being close to him made me feel better.

i didn’t know why i was nervous to tell him about it, but i was. should i tell him about whatever is in this or will this just upset him more? i didn’t know the answer. that was one of the hardest things to learn, to trust someone again. i trusted corey with everything, my life entirely under his control. and now i had this amazing person who understood me, and cared even when i had a cold. he wanted to learn why i was sad, wanted to help yet i was terrified to tell him anything because of corey.

when would my brain understand that he wasn’t corey, but someone different. someone better. in every way.

with a deep breath, i walked the letter and myself into the bathroom and cleared my throat, “f*** babe,” said cassius as he let out a breathy laugh. “you scared me,” he said as he looked at me through the glass shower doors that were partly steamed up, “what’s going on?” his eyes were dark and wide, worry in them.

i got this,” i began and took another deep breath, “i got this letter from indiana in the mail. and i didn’t know if i should tell you or include you or ..” i began to ramble in which cassius responded by turning off the shower and stepping out, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist. “i haven’t been able to open it yet,” i admitted and it was strange how even that little admission had truly given a little relief off my weighted chest.

do you want me to?” asked cassius, water dripping from his dark hair. i smiled at him, lovingly. his genuine nature was something i’d never seen before; his beliefs and his convictions was beyond anyone i had ever met. he had morals and he lived by them. i hadn’t met anyone in my adult life who lived up to their sh*t like he did.

like i did. he was much like me, which was why i think we understood one another’s darkness. it was something that tugged and pulled, deeper than either of us could explain — but we understood.

shaking my head, i held the letter, “no, i don’t want whatever bad sh*t that is on this letter, in this letter near you.” he rolled his eyes but i was serious as i began to tear at it. pulling the paper from the envelope, cassius stepped to the side, allowing me some space. he always knew when to give it and when to not allow it; it was odd. i read the head line and looked at him, eyes wide.

what is it?” he asked, but i couldn’t move. i stood, staring at him, “rachael, what is it?
he’s out now, cas — protection order lifted,” i said, stuttering as i shook the words out like a weeping willow tree in the summer wind. just like the one that lived tall and wide across the street from my house as a child. i remember laying under the tree, fishing with king and jackie — like the f***ing degenerates we were.

i just wanted to go back to those moments in that bathroom. i wanted to be back under that tree with king and jackie, fishing for snapping turtles and watching as jackie and king kissed under the tree for the first time when she was 8 and he was 12. tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes behind my glasses as i looked at him.

cassius grabbed the paper from me and read over the words before looking at me and tugging him close, crumpling the paper and tossing it to the floor. “it’s going to be okay, rach,” he whispered to me, conviction laced his words. they were from the gut, as was everything he said. he meant everything he said.

i looked him in the eyes, tears slowly falling down my cheeks and nodded. this was the beginning.

08/23/2021 08:25 PM 

how i end: preface

there will be many days in life where you won’t want to get out of bed. life isn’t easy. some days are easier than others, though the easier days are few and far between.

you will miss them; with every ounce of emotion you have in your body and it will cause you to shake with raw fear because you know that they are gone.

forever just a memory in your mind that will drift into the dark abyss that is life.

you will wonder where you went wrong, how you get to where you are now — broken, distraught, always wanting to die. you’ll dissect each moment and cast the blame at those around you. your parents, your friends, your lovers, your family.

you’ll think back to the last words you said to them; the way they looked at you that last moment. bright blue eyes, staring back at me. i’ll never forget them.

and i’ll never forgive them.

you will fear anger and rage; wrath and sorrow, never ending swallowed whole by a shark in the ocean’s dark abyss. you’ll sit and think back on all the moments you could have taken another look, gotten another hug — another breath of their smell.

i forget that smell.

there will be a time where you will do anything to forget the pain. you will bury so deep in the whole of your heart that they left when they left you.

festered and never healed, for years, for lifetimes — across lifetimes.

they say the souls that are important in your life come through all of your lives. your sister could have been a friend in a past life, your lover could have been the opposite sex. the possibilities endless..

but then why does life feel so set in stone? you’re here, at what feels like the last chapter of your life, and you feel like there is no way out. you have bought the supplies. you have set the date. now all you need is the will.

the strength to say no to it every single day.

to say yes to life every single day though you’ve lost yourself. you’ve become so isolate that words seem foreign to you now. that the touch of a lover does nothing for you. no emotion. no attraction. nothingness.

that is what it feels like. nothing at all.

but every day you wake up and try again and every day, we are thankful you do. but those thoughts linger — never really running away. like a ghost, stuck in the shadows that only you can see. reminding you everyday of the pain that you buried deep in that hole in your heart.


authors note: hello, and welcome to "how i end". i'm using this platform to begin working on a novel that is very loosely based on my life. i will be posting chapters, aesthetics, playlists, graphics, dream casting list, etc. however, i will be interacting with people on the site, as this is a roleplay site. i will be selective, please dont be offended. 

i really just want to work on a creative project to help me work through some hard life lessons and i hope you enjoy the ride. with that said, welcome, again, to "how i end". enjoy. 



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