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Just to save for later
I could hear the sounds of the cars passing by, the engines revving as some punk kids were racing down the street. Made me think of when I was younger and consistantly getting my dumb ass into trouble. It made me smile and remember a time where nothing else truly mattered. Now, I am damaged, broken, a true walking and talking disaster. When my life feels as though it’s falling apart and I don’t even have the slightest clue as to what todo about. So fxcking frustrating. “Brielle?” I could hear him calling my name but nothing was registering. The numbness had taken over and there was nothing more that could be said or done. Having a manic day was rough and on the off chance that I would find the energy to respond it would probably just end up in a fight.
“I’m going to work.” Was all I could manage to say to him as I put on a bikini top and a pair of blue jeans shorts that I had left unbuttoned and unzipped with a pair of J’s to match. I pulled my curly blonde hair up into a high messy ponytail. I gazed back into his hazel eyes and then took a deep breath. Walking over I placed a soft gentle kiss on his forehead. “I love you, okay?” I whispered softly and then walked over to the oversized white door pausing for a minute, a deep breath escaping my lips as I opened it and stepped out into the cool night air.
A vibration in my bag made me nearly jump out of my skin as I got into the car. “DJCJ, we got a stash if you want in. Hit me up before the show” A text from JD at the club, I always tend to forget about the amount of blow he has running through that place. I have been sober for so long that it typically didn’t cross my mind. However, I guess that when things felt rocky, or felt as though the world was crumbling then it would be easier to just get high and forget about it. Keeping a smile on my face to get through this show was going to be difficult enough.
Once I made it to the club, I made a point to steer clear of JD and made my way back to my room, so I could chill out. They all knew me so well, the finest tequila and hypnotic chilled; my favorite. Weed, rose cones to pack it in. Taking a drink of the amber colored liquid and wincing as it burned going down my throat. Closing my eyes for a few minutes and just soaking in the peace before the show. Suddenly, I jumped out of my skin at the sound of banging on my door. “Yo, Brielle! Open the door!” F*** it was Crystal. Sh*t, okay. I grabbed the bottle and took another shot before walking over and opening up the door. “Miss, Girl! How the f*** are you?”
Twisted out of your mind again Crystal, I thought to myself. Great. A fake and pushing smile appeared on my face. “What’s up, girlie?” She was the club owners daughter, and if I wanted to keep my residency she had to play nice. “Girl, I got your sh*t. You seemed down when you walked in.” She pulled the tiny little baggy of cocaine out of her bag. The white powdery substance nearly sent me over the edge right then and there.
My hands became shakey, sweaty, I felt clammy, but my eyes were not moving off of the little baggy in her hand. The girl before me started to snap her fingers in my face which nearly made me smack the hell out of her. “Yo, Breeze. You gonna hit this with me or nah?” Checking my phone I was truly hoping that someone would have messaged me. That would be enough for me to refraine from doing it. No Savvy, No Zayn, hell even Jaden would have been helpful. But, all were busy, and I wasn’t their problem anyways. Me caving into my demons wasn’t their issues. They were my own. “I’m…” My phone dinged, and it was a notification on Instagram. Typically I wouldn’t check those but, something told me that I needed to. Once I did it was a tagged notification of Zayn hanging out with girls at another club. In this state of mind it wasn’t something I truly needed to see. He wasn’t doing anything bad, lord knows guys were all over all the time at my shows. It just caused a trigger and sent me completely over the edge. “I’m… down.”
I watched her as she poured the powder onto the table. Every speck getting placed into a single line. It looked so beautiful. Such a small line, could have such a tremendous effect. I took out a hundred dollar bill and rolled it up into a tiny straw like shape. “Bottoms up.” I said before leaning over the able and inhaling the entire line with out a second a thought. It burned at first, it had been so long I barely remembered how it felt. My eyes closed as I tilted my head back taking a few deep breathes through my nose and then I coughed, my eyes watered a bit. I wiped the remaining powder off my nose and rubbed it along my gums while reaching for the tequila bottle with the other.
“Damn, mama.” The younger brunette smirked at me and looked me up and down. Oh hell no. Don’t even go there, I was thinking to myself. “Crystal I gotta finish getting ready, so please go ahead and enjoy the show tonight yeah?” I looked at her and I could feel all of my emotions washing away, my face was numb. Everything felt numb, my mind was blank. Faking a smile would be easier now. Banging on the door again, ugh now what. “5 minutes blondie! See ya out there!” Twink called from outside the door. He was one of my favorite security guards, always handing out twinkies before the show. Loved that.
The crowd was hella loud tonight, like, overly loud. “Let’s Go!” Walking down the hall way and towards the stage. I was starting to feel hyped up, my heart rate was racing, I reached for the bottle of hypnotic that rested along hip in my bag and pulled it out taking a swig of it before running up the steps. Hearing the crowd chant my name was just f***ing amazing. “HEY EVERYBODY!!! LET’S RAGE!” I cranked the music up and started messing around on the turn tables, playing with the 1’s and 2’s. Bouncing up and down as the music blared through out the place, I jumped up on the tables dancing with everyone smiling and laughing, it was like a fog that I never wanted to get out of. Taking another shot of the hypnotic and then pouring it into the mouths of the fans surrounding her table.
Hours passed and finally my set was coming to an end, the high was still coursing through my body. I wanted more, I needed more. It was rough, but the thought of sobriety crossed my mind once more. It was too late now. “F*** my sobriety.” Running into JD, a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. “Hit me up with some blow man.” Pulling out a pocket full of cash and then handed it over to him as he tossed the baggies into a little box and then slid it my way. Once I returned back to my locker room. Savannah’s name was coming across the phone. “Great…. She always does that…..”
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