𝘴𝘺π˜₯𝘯𝘦𝘺,

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July 5th, 2022




Gender: Female

Age: 29
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April 11, 2021


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05/13/2022 04:38 PM 

ac β€” 27,

 

It dangled down the center of her mirror, attached to the dresser in her bedroom. The locket that held a photograph of her and her mother, so very many years ago. When Sydney was only a toddler. Those were the good times. Basically the only ones she had before joining Sanctum. An innocent child, in a seemingly well off family that she trusted as perfect. Little did that child know, it would soon all be going to Hell. Literally. Within a moment.. everything changed. 

Losing a mother, and her love, was something the girl had a hard time dealing with, even up to this last year. It ruined her life. Coping with the death of a parent, and then falling into a whole new world of abuse for almost eighteen years caused most of the damage she still carries with her. The locket was one thing she clung to. For all these years. Just an ounce of hope, and knowing her sweet mother was looking out for her. But then, to top it all off, only a few months ago Syd found out her birth giver wasn’t dead at all. No. Only fled to leave her abusive husband, but abandoned Sydney to suffer through, just like that. 

She had been staring at it now for months. Wondering why she even kept it. Wondering if it even done her any good. She hadn’t opened it to look at the picture since the moment she found out about her Mother’s deceit. She probably never would again. Did she even want it still? Should she even keep it? 

If you know Syd, whether a friend or foe, you’d know that her loyalty to Sanctum and its leader’s ran extremely deep. She had devoted her life. Anything prior she classified as a trail run, a horrible simulation she had finally escaped. Keeping the same mentality was what she had to do. Her father was gone now, her brother gone, her mother.. should be forgotten. There was nothing life from her past, and sealing that in stone was exactly what she wanted to do. Her hand yanked the locket from its hanging, breaking the chain with one quick motion. Her eyes closed as she held it tightly, inhaling a deep breath before dark hues glared down at her hand. The next thing she knew, it laid upon the dresser and she grabbed a large candle, furiously beating the top of the dresser in hopes to crush the necklace. Over and over again, she pounded down with force. Screams leaving her lips as she cursed everything, and everyone from before Sanctum. 

05/01/2022 12:05 PM 

ac β€” 26,

 

Feeling at home was mostly an unknown thing in Sydney’s life. Hell, for most of it. She only got that bit of comfort when the female arrived to Sanctum. Which, was now over a year ago. It was the life she never thought she would have. Granted, everything came with setbacks and she couldn’t help but dwell a bit on all of the horrible things that had happened to her, along with each and every member of the community. But that still didn’t take away what she had built for herself here. What she had been given by those around her. She truly owed everything she had to Sophia. To all of them. Even if her life had been a complete spiral as of late.

The bottle lay half empty beside her, along with a pill bottle and half smoked blunt decorating the ashtray threatening to be spilled over at any moment. Out of her head was an understatement. And, traveling to dark and deep parts of her mind was the one major set back she always seemed to have.

"I can’t.. I don’t..” The problem was that she couldn’t even make out the face of the hidden man in the shadows. It was like she knew him, but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Everything felt off, and the shivers running down her body told her all she needed to. “No strings attached. Nothing. Just a better, simpler, and undying loyalty free life.” He spoke, a little too calmly as he gave her promises of leaving Sanctum. Death. Death is all that could come of this. How could it not? How could she just leave? She’d given her life. Her loyalty. Her heart and soul to this place. 

“Your words mean nothing. Nothing at all.” She spoke back, realizing she didn’t even have to think about his offer, at all. Declining it was the only option. That’s when she saw the red in his eyes as the world instantly grew darker. Like the walls were closing in. Like she’d angered a lingering spirit. But.. still, she didn’t care. She couldn’t. She refused. Going anywhere else was never in her plans. It never would be.

Just when the shadow went to reach out to her, she spoke the leader’s names. Sophia. Thatcher. Maggie. Her eyes opened. Realizing she was still huddled up on a couch, where she had seemingly drifted off into satan knows what. The flick of a lighter sparked the half burnt blunt, before the bottle touched her lips again. A smile forming against her features as she drank, and she never questioned if this was exactly where she wanted to be.  

04/15/2022 09:07 PM 

ac β€” 25,

 

It had started and ended like any other meeting she’d had her entire life. Anxiety filling the pits of her empty, minus the alcohol, stomach that turned the moment she had entered the building. Once again reminded that she would never again have a meeting with Phoebe, the heartbreak of the last few months staying with Sydney at all times. “Again, thank you so much for having me. And, certainly taking interest enough in my music to do this article. This was an absolute pleasure.” A grin was soon given to the lady across from her, just as she noticed the Sanctum charm hanging from Syd’s Fender Jaguar guitar. 

 

Are you.. are you free for some coffee?” Misty, the short interviewer spoke, immediately causing a tense in Syd as she watched the girl’s eyes move from the symbol back to her own eyes. “I’d love to pick your brain. Completely off of any record, of course.” Reading people had always came easily to Syd, even if some of the time.. she was horribly wrong. A nervous and delayed nod was soon given, considering saying no would come off suspicious. Or, letting the organization down by neglecting a potential recruit. Still, her nerves were shot either way. She had to be careful. Witty. Especially considering how easy manipulation surely had to come to the woman asking for her time. 

 

The double shot of expresso surely didn’t help the shakiness of Syd’s limbs, but that didn’t stop her from sipping on it profusely as Misty explained she’d heard of the program. Read about it somewhere and only backed out of actually having a chance to meet with non other than Sophia Richard’s herself. “A goddess, honestly..” Syd started, already displaying her undying loyalty without even meaning to. “One of the kindest, selfless women I’ve ever met. Life was.. slowly torturing me and the program saved me. As it has so many other’s.” She explained, fairly more calm than she expected to be, but talking about things she’s extremely passionate about somehow soothed her instantly. “I have a pamphlet.. if you’re interested? Our workshops tend to all needs. A better outlook on life is not only a promise, but a guarantee.” She smiled, noting the girls features and fairly proud of herself for making it through the conversation without slipping anything, especially the thoughts in the back of her mind that clouded them recently. “I— thank you. I knew I was making a mistake not reaching out earlier. I’ve very glad i asked.” 

 

And that was it. Syd walked away with a very nice feeling. Proud of herself for handling things the way she did. And, also proud of herself for hopefully extending the community she loved with all of her heart. 

04/02/2022 06:01 PM 

ac β€” 24,

 

To say that Sydney was anywhere near recovered from the little cruise mishap would be full on deciet. A lie fully displayed by the empty bottles that covered the nightstand and floor of the room she occupied in Greece, and the freshly popped cork that lay on the blanket from the rim of tequila now glued to her lips. Indulging herself in alcohol had always been a problem for the Italian girl, one she had finally had control over for the last few months. Now, a fully forgotten step forward has resulted in twenty leaps back. Everything was a blur— exactly the way she wanted it to be. She'd rather drown out all of the thoughts that consumed her mind rather than ponder on them like th anxious mess that she was. Thoughts like why in the f*** that had happened in the first place. Like why some of the most horrible things had continuously happened to her and everyone around her. In the most odd ways, to say the least. Coincidences was something she wasn't too fond of, considering she believed things to already be written in the stars. Which only fueled those negative thoughts she had about the live she was living. About the people she'd done willingly given herself over to. How could they just, once again, sweep this under the rug as if nothing had ever happened? 

Bottle. Lips. Bottle. Lips. Scrunching of her nose. That was the same sequence she had been in since.. well, as long as they'd been on this trip. Give or take the few times she'd managed to get out of bed. One resulting in her boyfriend throwing one of her closest friends into a million dollar statue, just another point proving that swimming in Patron.. safely in a bed was exactly where she needed to be. She couldn't figure out how anyonr could actually be enjoying themselves on this trip. Sure, they'd all had time to process, but.. but, how? Every single one of them could've died. They could be still stranded. Starving to death on an island in the middle of now where. As always, nothing seemed to make sense to her. The thoughts swirling along about the Leader's only adding even more misery to her loyal ridden mind. 

She was breaking. 

03/18/2022 05:30 PM 

ac β€” 23,

 

Appreciation was one thing that Sydney mostly failed to show in her life. Not because she didn't have anything to appreciate now, a big change from a year ago. No. She had the things she had only dreamed of before. She had a family. A group of people whom most of which she actually cared for and got along with. Minus the few that were only words away from a couple busted knee caps. Coming from a family that abused her, much less cared for her in any way, the warmth from the things most of them had done for her was something she still wasn't used to. They'd been forced to come together in ways she never would've imagined. Seeing things from each other that they never would have before. That's where the Leader's come in. 

It was no secret that Syd was a loyal member. Hell, she showed it in almost everything she did. No matter what they had been through, and no matter the cause.. she always found herself falling at their feet. Showing how thankful she was to be there. To even be in their presence. She'd surrendered herself to them long ago, and turning back just wasn't an option. Besides, how could she? They were the reason for everything she had. The very life she as living. The family that now surrounded her. That supported her. Being in Sanctum was the home of her happiness. Without them, she wouldn't have that. She probably wouldn't have anything. Not Bash. The one person who changed her outlook on things. On everything. Especially on love. Without them, she wouldn't know what love actually felt like. Romantically. Platonically. 

It wasn't that she didn't know how to show her appreciation for her peers, she obviously spewed it onto the leader's in probably a sickening amount. It was just that she'd never had the need to give it. Or, feel safe doing so. With Sophia, Thatcher, Maggie, and even still, Phoebe.. it had came naturally. The same with her boyfriend. She'd given into them. Made herself vulnerable in every way. It wasn't just something she could, or was willing to give out. But they knew. They knew how thankful she was for all of them. 

03/01/2022 09:31 PM 

ac β€” 22,

 






“PER FAVORE, PADRE!” The words left her tongue in a scream, met with that of a bolted door confining her inside of those four walls once again. Hidden. Kept inside like a puppet whose master only toyed with her when convenient for himself. “Per favore..” She pleaded on and on, knowing she would be met with nothing but silence from her father. If she was lucky enough for just that. The pen and marked up notebook containing her thoughts and random lyrics the only comfort she’d found for so long as tortured eyes stared through a tiny window. Hoping one day to be finally and ultimately freed from her cage. 


 

It was nothing new at this point. More like a reoccurring nightmare that relentlessly stalked her dreams. The sad part was realizing it was actually her reality. From the basement to the jungle. It all lead to Paris and circled back to the first two decades of her life. Being trapped. Locked away by those who were supposed to protect her. Her family was one thing, but the organization another. It’s the one thing she couldn’t figure out. Sure, she knew everyone there, including herself, had done and continued doing things they shouldn’t be proud of, but did that mean they deserved what kept happening. That’s when Sydney starting feeling guilty. Guilty for even allowing the thoughts of doubt to cross her mind, as she always did. 

‘We learn. We grow. We learn. We grow. We do our best to understand that of which we don’t know.’ Over and over again. Those same words decorated the page before her, even though her first intentions where to jot down reasons, or lessons to get any closer to understanding what had happened. Even though she knew she would probably never have a clear mind on it. But writing was the only thing that helped. It was the only thing she’d ever had. She had no one to talk to, besides a couple of friends she rarely ever got the chance to see. She couldn’t unleash her feelings on anyone, especially her father or brother. Harming herself had never come to mind, as miserable as she was. It was all about surviving. Proving to herself that she could make it. That she could withstand the storm raging through her life, she always promised herself she would. Coping wasn’t easy, but the clearest outlet for Sydney had always been writing down her thoughts in whatever form. 

02/18/2022 10:43 PM 

ac β€” 21,

02/13/2022 05:35 PM 

drabble,

 



 

a mother’s love

 

full of true happiness and protection
a shield in a burning world 
the comfort of nurturing arms 

 

you gave me the opposite
truthfully, not even that 
what you gave me is anguish 
what you left me was horror
a sad, tortured young girl left all alone

 

or, stuck wishing she’d been all alone 

 

heartbreak
 

you were the first 
the crack that started the web 
helplessly trapped in cold chains 

 

but not anymore, never again 
needing you faded 
finding you disappointed 
losing you yet again didn’t phase

 

i thought i’d be your biggest failure
being a mother was 

01/03/2022 08:40 PM 

ac β€” 18,

 

My Precious Phoebe, 


   Words can't even begin to describe how hard it has been without you. Not knowing where you are. How you are. Not having you here by my side. Knowing every move I make and staying on top of every one of my issues. Ready to stab my soul with each and every session we have, talking sense into a stubborn mind and leaving me knowing exactly what needs to be done. How I need to continue on. I'm especially having a hard time adjusting to this new place. Seattle was a home for me. The only home I've felt I've ever had. The home that you lead me to. Now, I'm here. It's unfamiliar with a lingering of loneliness without you. But it's peaceful, for now. It's somewhere for all of us to continue all of the recovering we've needed all of our lives. I just hope it lasts.

   I can't even begin to tell you how.. how eventful the last half of the year or so was. Losing you took a huge toll on me. On everyone. So many things happened. Not to mention our trip to Finland. Which, delivered like it should have been expected, I suppose. I don't even know how to describe it. The torture, really. The fear. Only to be soon placed on this island for safety, and given the gift Sophia has given before. Which reminds me, I haven't even gotten to know your thoughts on my Bash situation. I need your help. I've needed it. He's needed it. Sophia has been great, not to take anything away from her, but moving to the island has only made his recovery that much more tough. You're lost. He's lost. I'm lost. 

   I miss you.

 I've been really into my music, and actually getting somewhere with Vince's exposure along with Lucy's. Raven has been an angel and taught me so much. I even picked up some with Ava, and we have things in the works. Everyone has been so helpful, and you would be so proud. You'd be proud of a lot of things. A lot of people. I know I''ve been mostly completely negative this entire letter, but I needed to get it out. I don't want to act like my life isn't going good right now, it is. I'm happy. For the first time in a long time, and having you in the back of my mind only brings me the comfort that you're always with me. 

                                                              until next time,
                                                                             lily.








That was it. Just one of the many unsent letters Lily had written to only get her feelings out. The way she used to do with Phoebe. The one person she felt most comfortable with. She knew no one could see it. Them. Especially some of the thoughts she'd so foolishly written down. So just like all the others, she sealed it and took a lighter to the corner. Tossing it into the fire, just to watch it burn. 

01/03/2022 08:40 PM 

ac β€” 18,

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