April 10, 2021
06/12/2021 07:55 PM
𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙜𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨: 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘰.
↝ a REPLY to KRISSY.
Everything had been off for weeks ever since the miscarriage. They'd went from saying "I love you
" multiple times a day, to once, and now there were days they'd seemingly forgotten to at all. Krissy had been distant. Will couldn't deny so had he. They were trying
to fall back into their normal, to move on or along, but it had been a struggle. Everyone kept telling them everything was going to be okay and it was going to take time. He believed it, because he believed in their relationship - in them
Even though Texas had a rocky start, it did Will a great deal of good mentally. Just being back to "work
" and getting back on stage. It helped him get his mind off of all the negatives and focus on other things. Music had always been healing for him. Ever since childhood and he picked up his first instrument. It hadn't had the same affect for Krissy. The trip and being back in the limelight came too soon. She needed more time to cope. He respected it and understood it. Though he wished he knew how to help heal her; seeing her in pain, struggling, heart ache hurt more than his own. He wished he could take it all away and bring that breath taking smile back full time.
The dark cloud that shined over them seemed to be in overtime. Krissy seemed more distant than ever. Even once he returned home to Nashville. He had no clue about the letters she had been receiving with accusations that he had been going to leave her, cheating on her, and reminding her she'd lost their baby. She'd been keeping them a secret from him. Why? He couldn't understand unless she was starting to believe them. That she wanted to ignore them and deny them, because she was scared they were true.
How could she believe that though? He had reminded her every day that he loved her - - - or had. He realized it had been slipping at that lately. They both had though. Will wasn't shy to tell everyone else how he felt about Krissy. He still bragged to his mama, sisters, Beau, and what ever friend would listen to how. She didn't even know it. How could he neglect to remind her? Especially now - when she was so broken over everything else.
Of course, he didn't want to believe that even so she could even think he would cheat on her even so. He would never.
- - - - -
There were a series of chiming sounds, as the phone rang through to the other side of the line before being sent to voicemail. "You've reached Krissy, leave a message." He didn't leave a message instead hanging up and calling directly back to get the same. He repeated this several times before admitting defeat. They'd never ignored each other's calls; they'd answer in the worst times even to just say they had to call each other back.
F u c k. She knew. There was nothing to know, but there were allegations being thrown. Something in the pit of his stomach told him she knew of them already. How he couldn't understand how though. He just walked out of the meeting with his management refusing to pay this women. She couldn't have had time to take it to the press yet. Maybe he was reading too much in Krissy not answering his calls. Except his gut said he was right on the money.
Pulling out the crumbled up sonogram from his pocket. How did whoever know he was at the label to put it on his truck windshield? How did they know it was his truck? If they were leaving notes here, could they have at his house? Where Krissy was? Or could they be sending her notes too?
He attempted to call her once more, voicemail. "Baby, I'm on my way home. I think we need to talk. I love you."
- - - - -
Come on, Bucky. You can't sit in the driveway all evening and hide in your truck, because you're scare she knows a bunch of lies. You have go inside, face the music, and be honest. Krissy knows you. She knows you'd never cheat on her. She knows you wouldn't lie to her. Hell, she knows when you try to lie. You're a horrible liar and your face always gives it away. She knows you wouldn't do anything to hurt her. She knows you love her. She had to know that.
"Honey, I'm home," he said trying to sound up beat, as he pushed the heavy wooden door open. She barely let him get through the doorway before she stood in front of him questioning him, Not only him, but their relationship. "Krissy, baby." he opened his mouth to talk, to explain, to tell her nothing happened and he had no clue who this women was. She cut him off, so he let her talk, yell, finish what she had to say.
Krissy pushed past him out through the door. "Don't call." He turned on his heel, ignoring the door hanging open and ran after her. "Will you stop for five seconds and let me talk," he yelled out in frustration. A sigh parted his lips, as she paused at the car, and looked up at him. "I don't know what is said in these letters, but I swear to God. Krissy, there is no one else. It's you and me, babe."
"Micheal called me into a meeting to say someone is accusing me of being their 'baby daddy' and it's all lies. Krissy, I could never do that to you." he let out an exhausted sigh. "You have to believe me, because it's true." If they were able to switch roles, would he believe her? He wasn't sure. So, how could he expect that from her. "Will you at least come in the house, so we can talk or fight? Or what the f u c k ever, but running away isn't going to fix s h i t."
There were tears built up in his eyes, the thought of loosing Krissy killed him. They already lost their peanut. He couldn't loose her. She was his only stable part of his life these days. "Please," his voice cracked.
06/09/2021 06:35 PM
↝ a REPLY to KRISSY. ↝ After reading this: give a read to her reply if you like? "The Envelope ". PART ONE.
Wandering eyes couldn't help to keep glancing side stage throughout the rest of the show. There was a faint smile, as he seen Krissy return with Stella now glued to her side. He knew better than to believe she'd have stayed in the dressing room and miss the show. They'd never missed each other's sets when they were on tour together; the two both admired each other professionally as well as they did personally. There were no signs of any reporters butting in any further backstage or signs of trouble. The rest of the show seemed to go off without another hinge and the crowd seemed to have had the times of the their lives."Goodnight, Texas. See y'all - well tomorrow night!"
Will was already yanking his in-ears out, as he existed the stage right. Krissy's words caught his attention over all the "good shows
" and calling of his name. It didn't come much of a surprise that she didn't think finishing out the week was the best idea for her. Day one was a rocky one and that was an understatement. They had expected their to be a media frenzy with questions they didn't want to answer, but neither thought he'd end up resulting to punching a reporter in the face over it. She had been struggling since the miscarriage and had already been so uneasy about being back in the limelight so soon after. Will understood her need for privacy and some more time.
Being in the limelight had been something he had been accustomed to since childhood. Music had always been healing to him, so he felt more human than he had in weeks being back on stage. If he could just skip the pre-show and after-show ordeal for a while - it was a far fetched dream, but things sure would be easier that way."I understand, baby,"
he kissed her softly, as he was being pulled away to get his wiring off and do a post-show interview. "Nothing personal or I walk,"
he warned Micheal, not sure why he had thought it was a good idea he still give an interview after the incident only an hour or so before. "Meet you back at the room in twenty,"
he turned, yelling back at Krissy, who Stella already swooped back in with.
His arms slipped around her waist, pulling her closer into his embrace. "You know I hate the idea of not having you here, but you know I understand you needing some more time away from the media, I'd punch them all to keep them away from you, but Michael isn't going to be able to sweet talk them all like tonight into not pressing charges or turning it into a bigger media frenzy. If I hadn't already committed to this week, I would be home with you in two seconds. I know you want to be here, but it's too hard right now. Stop apologizing. I love you and I get it."
Rambling. His words were coming out in a giant ramble. He understood her need for time to heal without all the added pressures and respected it greatly. He kissed her forehead for a long moment, just holding her close in his arms.PART TWO
Every night after his show like clock work - Will FaceTimed Krissy to tell her about the show, hear about her day as if they hadn't already spoken numerous times throughout the day and exchanged texts, and to see her smiling face. He missed having her with him in Texas especially with her stay being cut so short. The only thing her absence made things easier for was sneaking off to a local jeweler to find the perfect ring for Krissy with the help of Stella and Leelee. He originally thought of asking her to marry him during their Texas get away, but his sisters told him - they could help make it more remember able and special at a later date and at complete random back home in Nashville. They were all about the idea of Krissy officially being apart of the family and marrying their brother.
The last night of the residency - they were having an after party with the crew, band, and invited the fan club fans to attend. It cut their call shorter than it'd been all week, since she returned home. Will had been doing shots of Dos Primos with Stella and the band. He was constantly being interrupted for photos with fans through his drinking and night.
Will was pretty good at remembering fans, who been to multiple shows or meet and greets. There was one fan that night he swore he saw before somewhere, but couldn't put a name too. He was sure they'd never
met before this night and it was barely a meeting now. There was just something familar that struck a nerve; she resembled the women that was staring at Krissy and he their entire flight days before. She begged for a photo more than once throughout the night. He was vaguely annoyed after the second photo, because others wanted photos too and he wanted to get it over with and enjoy his night. He had no idea she was going to use these photos to wreck everything.PART THREE."Will, we received an anonymous call from a women claiming she's expecting your baby."
There had been an impromptu meeting with his management, which had him sitting around a large oval desk staring at his team. Micheal's words felt like a punch in the gut. It was bold faced lie, but why would someone make that kind of accusation towards him? It was b u l l s h i t. Will could one hundred percent say there wasn't anyone pregnant with his child. The only person he'd been with was Krissy; he hadn't strayed away from her and was faithful since they'd gotten together."That's f u c k i n g b u l l s h i t and you all know it,"
Will snapped, he stood up at the table and his fists hit down against the cold wood. "Who the hell is this women?"
Everyone exchanged looks, some of them even looked like they had pity for the young man. "Will, do you know a Samantha? She said her name was Sami.""What do you mean do I know a Sami, I told you this is b u l l s h i t. I don't know a Sami and I didn't knock some random chick up."
Micheal's hand gripped William's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Will, we never said we believed the allegations. We just have to do our job and cover the bases - if you did know her previously. She claims to have proof you two were together in Texas and is threatening to take it to the media. We can probably pay her to keep her mouth shut.""Why would we pay someone off to keep their mouth shut when we know she's lying.""Do you want to risk her telling the media? Even
if though she's lying, it will do some damage to your reputation and imagine putting Krissy through this after everything you two already have going on.""I'm not paying her, but do what you can to keep this from going to the media. I need to get home to Krissy,"
Will didn't stay long enough to hear anything else they had to say. He stalled at his car, as he noticed a white envelope sticking under the wiper lade. The inside was a ultrasound with a note scribbled on the back. "I can give you what she can't."
He crumbled it up, shoving it into his pocket.
06/06/2021 12:29 PM
When Will signed his signed a recording contract with Big Machine Records' Valory Music Group
, as a recording artist, he chose to sign as 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓖𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓸𝓻𝔂 dropping Buckingham in his professional stance. He didn't want to use his father's last name professionally and have that kind of pressure to live up to. He wanted his success or failure for it to be completely his own - not be matched to who's child he was.II.
Will was signed to the label after a successful handful of co-writes for songs for artists such as Jason Aldean, Florida Georgia Line, and Lee Brice with songs like "1994
," "Round Here
," and "Parking Lot Party
." Aldean was the first artist to record one of his songs with the song "I Ain't Ready to Quit
Before Will branched out into his own music and settled into playing country, he played in a punk-rock band during his middle school / high school era. Will served as the band's drummer. They called themselves The High Heeled Flip Flops.
The band used to dye their clothing black, sing in bad British accents, and labelled themselves as rebellious.IV.
Will has always been interested in music since he was just a small boy. He wanted to learn as much about the business and would pick up whatever instruments he could get his hands on. He picked up his father's guitar first and would follow him around the house begging for him to teach him to play. He would often tag along to Fleetwood Mac
rehearsals and shows, where he would follow the band around like a lost puppy. When the coast seemed clear, he would sneak in and bang on Mick's drum sets. Mick eventually caught the young-man and gave him lessons on how to play.
Will also dabbles in the piano and bass, but prefers the guitar and drums. Both in which he incorporates into his live sets.V.
Most people know 𝒮𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶 𝒩𝒾𝒸𝓀𝓈 for her successful modeling career and for who's daughter she is not
for her musical abilities. The die-hard hometown fans know Stella for not only being Will's baby sister, but for her guitar skills. She has lent her talent to laying down tracks on his albums and has even performed with the band live at awards shows and various events.
06/06/2021 05:19 PM
Will wanted to create a tequila that blended Mexican tradition with southern sensibility. He partnered up with his good friend Beau to bring his idea to life. Dos Primo is distilled from 100% blue agave grown right in the heart of tequila country. It is bottled by the González family, a fourth-generation tequila craftsmen with a reputation for perfection. It is a clear colored tequila with a note of freshly-picked herbs, zesty summer citrus, and blooming floral cues.147 MILLION ORPHANS.
Will donates to various charities, but 147 Million Orphans is the closest to his heart. They're a faith based organization with the mission to provide food, water, medicine and shelter in the name of Jesus Christ. Through-out the years of the organization the mission grew from simply providing food and supplies to offering larger mission trips and ultimately long-term solutions.
Will attended his first missionary trip during following junior year of high school and had attended a handful of them since. His has taken hand in helping building shelters and schools for orphaned children, bringing supplies, and showering the kids in love and attention by playing games, talking, and even singing with them.
He has even taken to doing fundraiser shows to raise money for the organization.CHACOS.
Being a fan of the brand since childhood, Will teamed up with Chacos to create sandals based on his favorite outside moments. 10% of the proceeds go to Love One
, providing access to life-saving medical care to children in Uganda.
05/31/2021 07:48 PM
mmm: Colton James.
Colton James.* I thought I'd share an old headcanon I wrote for a former muse of mine and his niece. (Orignally posted sometime 2019?)
Seven weeks. It had been seven weeks since the James residence had been turnt upside down. The social worker warned Colton that the first couple months would be the hardest. Not only would it be an adjustment on Lainey, but himself. Adjusting from being responsible for solely himself, but a small life. The two needed to regain what their new normal would be together.
It had been seven weeks of ups and downs. Colton understood the struggle of adjusting from life in New York City to Los Angeles at Lainey's age, as he'd been the same age when he had his life turnt upside down. The first year with his grandparents had been the same. There were days, he felt relieved to be in a household filled with love and acceptance, and he was happy. On the other hand, there were days were he cried himself to sleep, questioned everything that led him here, and even blamed himself. These days, watching Lainey was like a flashback to his own past.
Cold wet tears flooded her bright brown eyes. "Uncle Colt,
" her tiny voice cracked, as she pushed open the door to his bedroom. Before he could respond, she was curled up next to him in bed. Her face dug into the nook of his neck, as she sob.
"Laineybug, did we have a bad dream?
" Colton instinctively wrapped his arms around the small blonde, kissing her forehead. In such a short amount of time, as of seven weeks. He'd come to love his niece more than he ever imagined he could love anyone or anything. He would do anything to see that bright crooked smile and hear that giggle. That he'd do whatever it took to protect his little girl.
"Mama was there,
" her words were barely recognizable. A frown spread across his lips, he fluffed her hair with his hand in attempt to get a small giggle. He had similar dreams, when he was a kid. The therapist said it was normal to dream of his mom. To dream about what it would be like if she was still here. "You miss her, huh?
"Was it my fault?
" Sniffling between each word, her question took him by surprise. "That she.. you know.
" Her face buried back into his chest against his grey t-shirt. He could feel her tears soaking into the material.
"Laineybug, look at me,
" he pulled her away from her tiny embrace. "Sweetheart, your mom taking her life isn't your fault. It's nobodies fault, especially not yours. I wish I could tell you why, but I don't have the answers. The one thing I do have the answer to is that your mother loved you more than anything in this world. Even though I don't have the answers, the man upstairs does. Do you want to pray about it?
A small hand reached up, wiping her own tears away. She nodded her head, her blonde curls bounced as she managed a small smile. Colton took a hold of her tiny hand, closing his eyes as she did the same. The two sat in silence for a moment, before she startled babbling on as she talked to God. It had became their usual; they'd say their nightly prayers together.
05/26/2021 10:07 PM
𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦.
↝ a REPLY to Krissy. Billy Bob's
was the perfect first
venue for a "comeback" show after a year without
live music. It housed a decent sized crowd, but was small enough to feel intimate with the audience. One of Will's favorite parts of being on stage was seeing the crowd's reactions to songs, seeing them mouth the wrong lyrics and sing along, dancing, and interacting with fans. These smaller venues were played fewer and further in between the last couple years of his career. He loved playing the bigger arenas and stadiums he'd grown into, but you couldn't couldn't see the faces of the last row in crowds like this one.
When it came to Will's live shows; you never
knew exactly what to expect. He liked to mix things up show to show; tour to tour. He would play his guitar, break things down acoustically, throw in some of his own drumming, and put his horrid dancing on display. He had grown up watching live music with Fleetwood Mac, Lindsey Buckingham, and Stevie Nicks; he learned a lot just watching his parents, aunts, and uncles about what it took to put on a good show and to have fun while doing so. He would learn more from acts he opened for on the way along with just growing as an artist on his own.
It was therapeutic in a sense being back on stage for Will. Music had been his escape for as long as he could remember. It all begun with wanting to be like his daddy - to wanting whatever it took to get him to notice - and eventually it didn't matter what Lindsey nor Kristen thought about his music or his talent or lack of. It was something he loved all on his own and allowed him to escape from reality for the length of a song and eventually into the length of a full set. Every negative thought, feeling faded away when he picked up his guitar, drumsticks, or a microphone; he just loose whatever was eating away at his brain, heart, soul and let the music take over.
Will was in the middle of performing "T-shirt
," which worked it's way back into his set after a short hiatus. The way the inspiration behind the song came back along in his life and heart. He glanced over towards the side stage, where Krissy had been sitting and watching the show. Except to his surprise, she was no longer alone and in time to watch her throw a microphone out of one reporters hand.
"We're going to take a quick five. Everyone grab a drink, this rounds on me,
" Will announced, quickly setting his mic into the stand. He nodded towards the bartender that he'd cover the next round of drinks for anyone that took up on the offer.
"Do we have an issue over here?
" He shoved the two reporters out of his way, as existed stage. He wrapped his arms protectively around Krissy, ignoring them and waiting for her to tell him what was going on. "We're just asking a couple questions and she got all-
" Will didn't feel his hand bunch up into a fist until he had already turned on the heal of his foot and his hand connected with the reporter's jaw. "Got what?
"Jesus, did you both loose your mind when you-
" The second reporter muttered, as grabbed his friend or coworker - whatever the hell he was, Will didn't care less, as he stumbled back from the impact of the punch.
"I'd seriously reconsider finishing that sentence
," Will snarled through gritted teeth. "If you still want a comment,
" his blood was boiling at this point. He had about a million snarky comments built up if they still wanted one. Was it really that hard to respect their privacy? Was it too much to ask not to be questioned about the miscarriage, their relationship, and that side of their lives during this time?
"What the f u c k, William? You can't - I'll deal with you later after you finish your show. Sir, let me get you checked out at medical and see how we can resolve this matter without future attention or any legal issues."
Of course, Micheal, his tour manager, would be right there. Will rolled his eyes, choosing to drop it and not get into with Micheal for doing his job. He reminded himself of why came off stage. It hadn't been to fight or take frustrations out on reporters faces. It was to make sure Krissy was okay. That their harassment didn't throw her over the edge.
"Are you okay
," he mumbled, turning back to Krissy. He brushed her blonde hair back behind her ears and kissed her forehead. His lips lingering there for a long moment. "I'm sorry about all of that. How about I get Stella to come watch the show with you from the dressing room, so no one can bother you again.
He couldn't read her. He usually could read Krissy like an open book. He couldn't read her now though. Was she upset with the reporters? Was she upset with him for resulting to violence? What was going on in that pretty little mind of hers. She was like a crossword puzzle he wanted desperately to solve, but couldn't right now. He had to finish the show and go back to pretending everything was fine.
05/15/2021 09:38 PM
☆ 𝙈𝙮 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙,
TW: mentions miscarriage and suicide briefly.
Note: I wanted to try something different for me, while I always include some dialogue in my writing. I wanted to do something that was 95% dialogue and less everything else.
Red Italics = Will Speaking.
Black Italics = What really is Will's self conscious speaking to him, but he feels like is Ben answering him.
⌈ There sat an old willow tree next to the Wilkin's cemetery plot, which provided the perfect resting spot for coming visitors. Will would sit down in the grass next to Ben's marker with his back against the tree, where he would sit and talk for hours. Just like he was talking to his old friend and sometimes he felt like Ben was talking back to him. ⌋
Hey, Buddy. I know it's been too long since I've paid you a proper visit. It's not like this place is where I feel you anyway. I still wear that old leather bracelet of yours everywhere and it's like you're with me through all the highs and good moments. And I really wish you were there at the low moments.
I'm with you especially at the low moments, Will.
Do you remember me telling you about that girl? You know the one from tour. We finally decided to give it a real shot not just some fling. It's been better than I've imagined. I really didn't believe that kind of love was real. I mean you saw the examples we had. It was lies and secrets.
It's about time, knucklehead. Even I saw how you look at Krissy. I've never seen that smile on your face before. I knew you my whole life and never experienced seeing you the kind of happy I have watching you two together.
We were going to be parents. It wasn't planned or anything, but those two little pink lines. I didn't have a second of doubt. I don't know maybe I should have been a little more freaked out. We're only twenty-two and have our whole lives to be parents and we've only been together for a short time. I wasn't though. I was excited. I think I may have even taken the news a little better than she had. I was going to have a family with the girl I love. It's like when I told her what's the career good for if I go through life without the girl I love. What's life without family?
You'll be an amazing father, Will. You were always my first call when life got tough. You always dropped everything to be there. If you could do that for a friend, I could only imagine you with your child.
It's been a couple weeks now, since the miscarriage. I can't get Krissy to stop blaming herself. The doctor reassured her that she didn't do anything wrong. You should have seen how amazing she was. I think she followed every order or tip our doctor had given her. I think she listened to every pregnancy podcast in just those couple short months. No one was more ready to be a mother. God, she was going to be the best.
Will, you have to give her time buddy. She probably won't ever stop blaming herself. The same way you've never stopped blaming yourself for not getting to me in time. Not being able to save me from my self destruction. Krissy is always going to blame herself even though everyone around her knows it isn't her fault. Self-consciously I'm sure she knows that it isn't her fault, because these things happen. No one understands why or how. No one ever understands Gods plan. The same way you self-consciously know that you couldn't have saved me, because I didn't want saved. One day though, Krissy will wake up and be able to move on with life. She will always carry around the guilt, but something inside will make it bearable again. The same way you woke up one day and was able to carry onward. Remember how you wouldn't leave your house for weeks, because you felt like everyone blamed you or hated you. You woke up on Sunday and seemed like the Will everyone thought they lost with me. Krissy will become the girl that you felt like you lost with your angel baby. There will be the good days and the bad for both of you.
I can't begin to understand why God would give us this just to take it away. It isn't fair. No one should experience the loss of a child born or unborn. I guess you knew before I did that Dad and Stevie experienced this pain too. It just doesn't feel right to give anyone that kind of light to snatch it away.
Is Will Buckingham beginning to question his faith? Please, don't loose that. It's one of the things that I and so many admire about you. My parents never even took me to Sunday school. They got me baptized and never stepped foot into a church again until my funeral. It was my goofy curly headed friend that dragged me along to Sunday School after sleepovers and not because he went with his family. I remember you asking your Dad to take us, because you had watched Billy Graham on TV. You felt that connection to God that a lot of people only read about.
Will, please don't question your faith or God. You know deep down inside of you. God always has a plan that our naked eye may not see or understand, but it's there. Maybe your kid was needed more up here to be an angel or to watch over your family. There is a reason, Will. That I know. Your baby is beautiful and maybe even too beautiful for Earth.
Ben, I swear I'm always asking something of you. I've asked you to watch over my sisters and me. Can you just do me this one more thing? Will you watch our little peanut for us? Hold her close and take care of her until we get there. I say her, because I really felt like it was going to be a girl. Was I right? I bet she's beautiful like Krissy.
She has your goofy ass grin, but looks like Krissy buddy. You would have melted looking at her little face the first time. I promise I'll take good care of your little peanut. She's watching you, dad.
I just don't know anything anymore, man. I don't even feel anything anymore. I feel numb.
Sometimes feeling numb is better than feeling. You could become so overwhelmed by pain that it crushes you completely. I would have given anything to feel nothing, just numb.
I kind of understand why dad drank all the time, because you could forget.
That's how we handled life our junior year. Do you remember when you broke up with what's her name? You were so dramatic. It was like the world was ending and you barely liked her. Admit it. But we drank so much that night that I thought you were gonna die of alcohol poisonings. I remember you calling Stevie around eight in the morning, because your dad was going to kill you. Especially when he found out it was from his stash that we got so trashed.
It would be the easy solution to drink away the pain, but I watched my dad do just that very thing. I watched him destroy not only his life by wasting away at a bottle, but ours. I hated him for his drinking, as much I loved him. I watched him turn into a bitter old drunk. But I understand it now. Just wanting to wash away the pain.
It doesn't wash it away though. It just numbs it for a while and makes you temporality forget until the drunk wears off. Then it's worse than before. It's okay to drink a little to numb, but what dad did was never okay. He drank himself into a whole new person. Don't give into that temptation, buddy. I believe in you. You're strong enough to overcome this without chemicals, drunks, and highs.
I just don't know where we go from here. I was supposed to go to Uganda for another ministry mission with Love One, but I don't know if I have it in me right now. I love my volunteer work with the kids, but seeing all those kids. When we didn't even get to hold ours once. I don't know if I can do it, Ben.
If you ask me Uganda is what you need. Maybe even Krissy too. I remember the first time you volunteered. We were just high school freshmen. Most of us were spending our summers at the water park or mall. You were going on some group trip with your church to help kids less fortunate than us. You always knew you had it a lot better than most kids even your friends. You never forgot that and never took it for granted. I admired you for wanting to make an impact with more than music, but your heart, your spirit, and your will to do good.
Take Krissy on her first trip. Show you a side you haven't ever let anyone in on. See those kids you told me countless of stories about. Build something, feed a kid, and just make the impact you can. Because you have a meaning in life, Will. Your daughter wouldn't want you to stop living. To stop doing something that makes you so specially and wonderfully you. You never know that kind of trip could be just what you need to pull you back into living.
I should stop rambling on about my problems. I don't imagine there is problems in Heaven to ask you about yours. Ben, I just really wish you were here. You would know how to make everything better. You always knew what to say. I'm glad my peanut has her uncle to watch over her and protect her though. Kiss you forehead for me and tell her that her mommy and daddy loves her. Give my sister the hard time I never got to give her like the other two. I wonder what Sara would have been like. If there would still be a Stella, Lee, and I -- you know if. If the four of us would be as close as the three of us are. Tell her to watch over Mama and Dad, okay.
If you run into God ask him if he could stop throwing curve balls directly into us, maybe? What is God like? Have you met him? I don't want to give into the devil and the lack of faith I've been feeling. I'm trying to understand God's purpose, so maybe ask him to give me a sign. Okay, Ben?
I promise I won't wait another fourteen months to come here and I'll try to save our conversations for a more appropriate time than midnight, one am, or three am like they have been. I miss you, buddy. Every single damn day. I love you, man.
Thank you again for being my best friend even in life after death.
⌈ Pushing himself up off the ground, he sat the single rose he been fiddling with in his hand throughout their entire conversation, onto his best friend's plot. He had stolen it out of a vase at his parent's house. Surely, roses his father given Stevie. They wouldn't miss one -- for Ben. ⌋
05/13/2021 10:35 PM
☆ Gone Too Soon.
Everything appeared dimmer, as if the light had just faded out into darkness. How just a couple hours could change the entire world; both how it felt and appeared. It was only that morning, they laid in bed together with Will's head in her lap. He had been talking to her small bump; to their peanut. Krissy and he had been tossing around baby names, as they got ready for their separate day's with his parents. They hadn't found out the gender yet, but he had a feeling it was a girl. He just knew she'd been beautiful like her mother. Everything had seemed brighter the moment they saw two pink lines a few short months before.
"Let's get you into bed," Will's voice, was horse from the crying they'd done at the hospital. After hours in the emergency room, which felt more like a real life version of hell, they were home. "I need to shower first.." Krissy pushed the door to the on suite bathroom shut behind her. The faint sound of the radio echoed into the bedroom; the sound of the music and running water wasn't enough to cover up the sound of her sobs.
"Kris--" He knocked on the door, whispering her name to be cut off. "Please Will, I just need to be alone right now." Closing his eyes, he inhaled a deep breath of air. "I'm going to take the dogs outback to get some fresh air if you need me, sweetheart." He wanted to be her shoulder to lean on, but he had to respect her need for space. He called for the three dogs; Kona, Cash, and Dibs all ran for the door, as he said the word outside.
The dogs had ran ahead of him, as they walked through the wooded back yard space. There was a small creek in the back, which they'd stop at. Will bent down picking up at stone, he threw it against the water watching it skip along. He had been around four at the time he learned to skip a rock; it had been a simple thing his father passed along. It was one of the hundred little things; he was supposed to teach peanut.
They'd asked if they had a name picked out at the hospital to put on the certificate. The kind nurse explained they usually have no documentation that acknowledges the loss of their baby before twenty-four weeks, but their hospital adopted the policy to offer some kind of certification or acknowledgement of loss. It was completely up to the patient rather they needed or wanted it, as a reminder or have not.
"We called him - her peanut, because we didn't know the gender yet. Baby Buckingham is okay."
Today was supposed to be a happy day; everyone smiling and laughing. Mama and Krissy having a "girl's day" while he had a "boy's day" with dad at a game like when he was a boy. Instead they all sat around and cried in that waiting room, in the examation room.
"Come on, pups. Let's go check on mama."
Mama - Krissy was supposed to be a mama to their little boy or girl not just to their fur-babies. Now their little ray of light was gone. They'd never know their peanut in this lifetime. They wouldn't get to hold her until the next. The only comfort he could find was Ben was there to hold onto her until they could be.
Will couldn't help to wonder and day dream, as he slowly walked back along with the dogs at his side. Who would peanut be? What would he / she look like when they'd looked at him for the very first time? Would they have his smile and her eyes?
There was only one thing he was certain of in that moment. The only thing evident was he would have given all he had. He would have loved their peanut like no other.
He already did though
he loved their angel baby like no other.
Pausing in the doorway to the house, he needed a moment to get it together. The tears had found their way back into his eyes, his cheeks were burning from them running down his face. He wanted to keep it together for Krissy, because wasn't that what he was supposed to do. Be the strong one for her?
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