Ryan Clarke Alder
come lay with me, I want to talk about nothing with someone who means something

R Y A N

Last Login:
September 18th, 2021




Gender: Female

Age: 24
Country: United States

Signup Date:
October 12, 2020


Subscriptions:

09/13/2021 08:11 PM 

AC 11

She wasn't even aware of anyone else who used a digital clock, the one that sat on her bedside table was one of the few things of her father's she took from the apartment she was raised in as she cleaned it out days after his passing. Glaring over at it, convinced that if she looked hard enough it would no longer say four thirty-six A M, the red fluorescent numbers would magically change to a time more acceptable, one closer to the seven thirty that would cause an obnoxious ringing from the outdated contraption. It was the same ringing that woke her up for years, unable to sleep through the never ending *BEEP BEEP BEEP* that seemed to bounce off every surface of the crammed two bedroom apartment. A defeated huff passed through her lips as she kicked the plush down comforter off of her body, she was waving her white flag of defeat. From the moment she arrived home, she had slept worse than she did laying in the thick of the forest with thirty something of her closest friends.

As she hastily tossed the light switch upward in her bathroom, she groaned as her eyes fought to adjust to the bright light now filling the room. Digging through the contents of her bathroom drawer, she finally found what she was looking for, chocolate hues now examining the contents of her palm. Little white rectangles, smooth rounded edges,GG 2 4 9 engraved in a vertical direction going down the powerful pill. The moment they were found, hopeless and tattered in whatever forest they were in was the moment that began her doubting of every decision she had made for the past three years. The move to Seattle, the blind faith she invested in each of the leaders, in a program that she dedicated her existence into. The same program she gave credit for every positive thing that had happened recently in her life, the courage to divorce her ex husband, the reconnecting with old friends that she hadn't heard from in years, the new relationship that had changed her entire perspective on love, every smile, every success, every client she pushed toward the same organization that left her to die in the woods.

The thought was enough to keep her up at night, and standing in front of her bathroom vanity, it was enough to make her want to display her stomach's contents on the floor. If everything she believed about Sanctum was false, was every good thing that followed just as misleading? Unable to deal with her own thoughts any longer, she tossed two of the little white bars to the back of her throat, twisting the knob of the faucet as she leaned her head under to get just enough water to drown the little anxiety killers down. Pulling herself back up, she examined herself in the mirror, you can do this she demanded herself, go get your coffee, brush your hair, and find that same smile you've worn everyday. Quickly turning to the mirror almost as as act of defiance against her own demands, she exited the bathroom. She could do this, she would go get her coffee, she would brush her hair, and she would show everyone that same smile she's worn everyday. There were far too many people who depended on her to backtrack now, after all joining Sanctum was the best decision she had ever made in her life.

08/20/2021 04:10 PM 

AC09


The Leaders

   

Sophia Richards

   Ryan is in a constant state of awe in regards to Sophia and all she's accomplished to make Sanctum as successful as it currently stands. The few times she has been graced with her presence Ryan is typically star-stricken and unsure how to compose herself, this feeling often causes her to act anxious and unable to have a conversation with Sophia as if she is a normal person. Ryan knows without Sophia, Sanctum wouldn't exist and to that she devotes her undying loyalty to her. Sophia's positive outlook gives Ryan validation in her own practice of looking at life with a "glass half full perspective"

Words Ryan Would Use To Describe Sophia: Wise, Powerful, Godly, Otherwordly, Successful,  


   Thatcher Fox

   Though her intuition tells her that Thatcher isn't as innocent as The Organization would like her to believe, her dedication and commitment to Sanctum drive her to have the utmost respect for all the leaders at all time, Thatcher included. She blindly follows the directions of the leaders and does her best to ignore her own intuitive thoughts. Though she often hears more negative things about Thatcher than the other leaders it seems, she does her best to stand up for him and remind those speaking ill that he would never do the things that he is being accused of. Despite always being willing to defend him, his presence makes her uncomfortable, and she is constantly on edge when he is around.

Words Ryan Would Use To Describe Thatcher Misunderstood, Intimidating, Boisterous, Committed, Calculating.  


   Phoebe Fox

 The testament of Phoebe Fox is what brought Ryan to Sanctum in the first place. The warm nature of the woman who adores her husband and children gave Ryan the push she needed to leave her old life behind in hopes of finding the as she had dreamt of having within the organization. Ryan also struggles with having tinges of jealousy towards Phoebe, her seemingly loving marriage and two children are something that Ryan pines after that she never has before in the past always being leary of making herself emotionally available enough to have something of value to lose.

Words Ryan Would Use To Describe Phoebe: Loyal, Maternal, Kind Natured, Sincere, Determined.    



 



 

08/04/2021 01:59 PM 

Journal Prompts - AC08

Journal Prompt #1 
Date 08/01/2021
Prompt: What Is Happiness To You?
A mind that often turns to logic over emotion, happiness is often an emotion that envokes anxiety and fear. Whenever happy, I often become paranoid I will lose whatever is making me happy to start with.  I find comfort in being content, and often unintentionally self sabotage things that bring me happiness. 
Things That Make Me Happy: 

  • Cuddles. 
  • Words of affirmation. 
  • Validation.
Event(s) In Your Life You Believe Contributes To How You Handle This Emotion:
Abandonment Of Mother

Journal Prompt #2 
Date 08/01/2021
Prompt: How do you handle disappointment?
Giving grace to almost everyone, I am often not disappointed by others' actions. Finding logic in near everything.  If someone does happen to disappoint me clear private communication is how I prefer to address the issue as opposed to public opinion. 
Event(s) In Your Life You Believe Contributes To How You Handle This Emotion:
Suicide of my father. 
Dissolution of my marriage. 


Journal Prompt  #3
Date 08/02/2021
Prompt: How do you handle anger?
Though I attempt to be meticulous with my words, if I am pushed far enough to the edge I will snap back. The quickest way to evoke anger in me is to attack someone I love. I am quick to come to the defense of those whom I hold dear, regardless of the consequence of action. 
Things that anger you: 
  • Unintentional actions of myself. 
  • People discouraging others from being themselves. 
  • People putting down those I care for. 
Event(s) In Your Life You Believe Contributes To How You Handle This Emotion:
Years of therapy and my profession. 

Journal Prompt #4
Date 08/02/2021
Prompt: What Is Love To You?
Love is something that I give openly. Unconditionally, full of grace, and with little reservation. Though just because I love someone, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust is something I hand out with caution and care, always in fear of the loss, it can leave behind.  However, if you do become a person that I trust, you have my unwavering loyalty and vulnerability. 

What is advice you can give to someone attempting to love you?
  • Don't pressure or place timelines. 
  • Understand that if I pull away, it's about <i>me</i> not you.


Journal Prompt #5
Date 08/03/2021
Prompt: Describe a moment you felt purposeful today.
"What even is Sanctum?" he asked. I can't begin to place a number on the number of times I speak of all Sanctum has done not only for myself but the witnessing of what it can do for others. A home where they push you to be the truest version of yourself. Leaders that care, other members who can overwhelm you with support. 

Journal Prompt #6
Date 08/04/2021
Prompt: How do you handle attacks on your character?
Most petty and snide comments can be ignored. If someone has a true issue with who I am, I will always try to talk the issues out, and live civilly with whatever the outcome is. I don't have the energy or mental capacity to harbor ill feelings for long. If I ever do react impulsively to an attack on my character, I am often quick to apologize not wanting my own words to affect another. 

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