chemical.

i'm too shy to speak up. guess i have my reasons for telling little lies about those around me and what i could be. it's eating me alive. there's a hole in my head and heart but i'm a long way from the start.


𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜.

Last Login:
January 18th, 2021




Gender: Female

Age: 29
Signup Date:
August 13, 2020


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01/16/2021 07:04 PM 

past to present character study.

a. b. c. d.    as if reciting the alphabet in your head to help you calm down is all you have   (oh god - it is all you have.)   or at least you feel like that. you do the bare necessities to take care of yourself.  a shower so you don't smell.  at least every other day.   some kind of food. sometimes you make cinnamon buns in the morning and that just is oddly... cathartic.  it's really the most you do.

verse 1:  main verse.  your name is mary-sue smith and you're nothing special.  you're just a kid that watched your sister get kidnapped.  now your sad and you don't know how to stop feeling sad.   how to stop feeling guilty.

 
A.B.C.D.E.   you found that a cold, painful razorblade makes you feel alive.   so you get addicted to it.  you're defensive,  you're angry.   God, you can't keep friends.  you're holding onto a thin string of a relationship with your mother.   your best friend.   your confidant.

and you can't even keep that.

verse 2:  charlie's angels.  your name is mary-sue smith and your sister was never kidnapped.   your family never suffered that rift and in this timeline -   that shows.  yet,  you're still sad.   you're still angry.   all your friends are toxic.    God,   you're so self-sabotaging.  you don't need to steal anything.   you do it anyway.   


A.B.C.D.E.F.G.    all of that landed you in jail.

a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.i    i want you to get help,  please.  i care abot you.   you're in the kitchen,  you're making cinnamon buns.   you're doing it my scratch.   it's your mother that asks you,  in this soft and pleading voice.  the sleeves of your shirt are clinging to your skin.   you can feel the fabric chafe against a fresh cut.

maybe she knows.

verse 1:  main verse.  your name is mary-sue smith and you're something special to your parents,  at least.  you find help.  you change everything.  you find a job in a bakery.  you promise your lost sister that you'll do anything to help - even if that means helping other people. you change to rubberbands on your wrists.  you start to get tattoos.  the color of your hair changes.


YOU LOOK HEALTHY.   you look like you take care of yourself  (because you are)  and you realize it's okay to not be okay.

verse 2:  charlie's angels.  your name is mary-sue smith but you change it to sabina wilson.   you're tired of your past.   you probably looked so pathetic sitting there in jail,  addicted to crime and self-sabotage like you never wanted to live.   yet, bosley merely says  "Charlie and I can help you reroute your crime into talent."   and, damn, you looked so confused.   yet, they did it.

and you found people who weren't toxic.   you stole things for a better cause.   your anger could be well placed.  you can do it.   you can live.   you can want to live.

01/16/2021 01:19 PM 

npcs / relationships.

KRISTEN JORDANNE DURUS | MERCENARY / HEAD OF SECURITY is the kidnapped sister of mary-sue. Her name change is in recognition that she'll never be the same. She's also a mutant with superspeed.

She's a character I'm writing on an alternate account HERE.

KALE JONATHON KANE | SHORT-ORDER COOK.  Adopted son of Aiden Kane. His family started talking about how odd he seemed when it power started showing - he's certainly one of the few children kidnapped by Kane for a future army. Best friend / like a brother to Mary-Sue and they talk frequently. Oh... and he's a werewolf.  Rawr.

( A role played by Shia LaBeouf. Fill it if you're bored! )

ISABEL JOSEPHINE HART | MERCENARY.  An immortal that triggers Mary-Sue's power.  In a good way.   A million timelines means you can pick the one you like the most.  Mary-Sue and Isabel are currently reconciling a romantic relationship to work through Isabel's immorality.

This is an OC in The Old Guard found here.

DARRELL STEVEN MCCABE | CASINO OWNER.   The head of all operations within Thoth.  Former FBI agent that worked alongside Kane when his parents died in a car crash and Kane tried to get all of the inheritence away from him.  Mentor to both Mary-Sue and Kristen.

( A role played by Shemar Moore. Fill it if you're bored! )

AIDEN JOSHUA KANE | SENATOR.   
A man who's only goal is to become President... and change the whole country.  He did have a family. Cool motive, still tyranny.  Mutant with the ability to control emotions.  Much villain.

( A role played by Adrian Pasdar. Fill it if you're bored! )

01/12/2021 12:08 PM 

STAR MAPS (rs).

I'LL  DIE  FOR IT.
( relationship song - star maps )

You're my best friend ( I love you so much ).
I know a million doors. I know a million path ways.
This timeline is ours. 
I  THINK  WE  DESERVE  IT ( DON'T YOU THINK SO TOO ? )
We don't have to take the other paths.
You don't have to take the other paths.   God, I promise.

01/12/2021 12:06 PM 

GUARD.

She really doesn't have to.    END  OF  STORY.    Yet, Sabina does. It's an impulse. Not because she thinks Elena can't protect herself   ( actually, Sabina gets quite a kick out of Elena suddenly acquiring Accidental Angry Top Mode )   but because it's more of a habit. Sabina Wilson is impulsive.    VERY  MUCH  SO.    She'll never stop to think about protecting a loved one. Someone she utterly cares about. She'll just do it.

Explanations aside, the moment goes like this:

Sabina Wilson is watching one large   ( and, gross, hairy )  fist come barreling at her gorgeous face   ( okay, so, she's really dirty right now ). Elena's somewhere across the room hacking her way into the mainframe to shut down another corporate sized mercenary group prying on innocent lives. Things never go quite as quietly as they're supposed to. Sabina's head veers at the last second, that hairy fist smashes straight into the floor. The ugly grey patterned carpet certainly wouldn't soften that blow. At least one knuckle cracks, it sounds like a couple and that gives Sabina just enough leverage to maneuver her way out of his grasp. He stumbles to his feet, leans forward to grab for her. His mistake, really. 

Sabina moves out of the way and he just goes flying through a glass door. The elevator down the hall dings. Oh, that certainly catches her attention. In fact, it catches her attention enough that she misses hairy fisted guy getting back up.   
MUCH  ANGRIER  THAN  BEFORE

This time he ignores the distraction   ( Sabina )   and goes for the main proprieter of   'I'm gonna f*** up your plans'   ( Elena ). He charges forward. Sloppily, at least. It was Elena's gasp that switched Sabina's attention from their new visitor to their old. Sabina just propels herself forward. Throws her body between Angry Hairy Mercenary and Best Friend. He collides into her with enough force to knock the breath straight out of her. Sabina's interjection has him going off course.


PLAN  ACHIEVED:  JUST  REALLY  BAD.

01/12/2021 12:04 PM 

RUN.

THE END OF THE WORLD COMES FREQUENTLY.

Sometimes there isn't a time the end of the world isn't here. Mary-Sue's fingers push through her blonde hair. Her hands are shaking. There's dirt caked in her fingernails. The scar on her nose is never going to heal. She always runs into something. Something always runs into her. Her nose always gets split open. It's always her nose.    ALWAYS.

The end of the world is always here for some. People's minds are an ugly void of apocalyptic torture. Of dystopian nightmares. She's swore. There's a limp to Mary-Sue's step. There's nothing really wrong with her leg. She's just sore. She's just exhausted. The end of the world is here. For some. For all. Timelines are messy. Timelines don't make sense. Mary-Sue's green eyes look upward.

She mouths the word "run" as if it's going to be heeded. The buildings shake beside her. Some are already collapsed. Somebody can't stop crying. Absolutely sobbing. The mutant lurches forward, even with aching body to move into a run. The street rumbles, as if it's shaking from her, as if it can't understand why
HER world isn't ending. She gets to the end of the street - then it all just disappears.

You see - seeing timelines is like seeing visions. 


GOD,  THEY'RE  FRIGHTENING.   (GOD  ISN'T  HERE).

Mary-Sue reaches her hand out, touches Carol's arm. Almost mouths run again, instead she just clears her throat. 

01/12/2021 03:33 PM 

THROUGH THE CELLAR DOOR.

IT'S A VICTORY DANCE. ARE YOU COMING WITH US?
( relationship song - through the cellar door . )

I'll come running for you at any time.
( I think you know that. )
Yeah, you're one of us. You're the best of us.
You help me smile when I didn't think I could.
And I just...   love you. 

01/12/2021 03:01 PM 

LEAN ON.



BLOW A KISS. FIRE A GUN. ALL WE NEED IS SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON.
( relationship song - lean on . )

You never have to tell me you care. 
( I already know. )
I just want the world to know that it has to look out --
You and I? We're partners. Thick, thin, all of that.
It's going to take a whole goddamn army. 
I'll be your friend and your sidekick until my last breath. 

09/27/2020 02:11 PM 

perfect.

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED UP THE DEFINITION OF PERFECT IN THE DICTIONARY?  it says:  having all the required or desired elements or absolute; complete.  what nobody ever tells you is that perfect can vary from person to person, to environment,  to worlds,  perfect is only a mere concept that can be shifted to whatever the user most desires PERFECT for THEMSELVES.  mental health has always been such an issue tiptoed around, like it's glass and it'll shatter but it's not glass, it'll never be glass,  it's only collecting dust that way until it becomes completely NOTHING.

mary-sue, herself, is out there holding out her hands for anyone that needs them.  she'll talk about recovery,  she'll pull people out of gutters,  dust them off and tell them they'll be okay.   she'll use her powers to bring hope,  to not only change a moment,  but change someone's future but she can't, for the life of her,  just in this moment continue to look kara directly into those mesmerizing blue eyes and act like she isn't having a hard time with the idea of perfect.

SHE FORGOT THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION and is only leaning on the shaky socialized version:  that perfect isn't meant to be shaped for each user.   instead her brain is only chanting 'i'm not perfect, i'm not perfect,'   relying on the fact she's a pure mess,  that sometimes she doesn't care to wake up in the morning,  that even a hero like her just can't live.  instead,  she looks down at her phone,  pushes the home button.   she's not actually planning on doing anything,  she's just looking away from kara.  using a distraction to quell the rising lump in her throat,  the chill along her spine like this was too good to be true.

But,  you know what's the picture of both her lockscreen and home screen on her phone?  It's Kara.  The lockscreen a selfie of them,  the home screen a picture someone took of Supergirl.  SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE A FAN,  nobody can seem to put two and two together that the woman laughing with mary-sue on the lockscreen is also the woman on her homescreen.

        PERFECT  IS  ONLY  A  CONCEPT.

"So,  you'll take everything then?  Even the moments where I just can't do it?  My whole entire messy ass?"   She knows the answer before Mary-Sue even looks up.

All the desired pieces of the puzzles have come together and it's perfect.

09/12/2020 06:02 PM 

tears.

all's fair in love & war.

People rush by. Mary-Sue really doesn't pay much attention, green eyes staring ahead. Staring without seeing. A type of dissociation that comes with guilt. Even Mary-Sue will admit that she's never particularly been strong. She's just been a survivor. Maybe if she was stronger she wouldn't have fallen to the throes of addiction, maybe she wouldn't even be having these moments. Where she sits here, contemplates how she could have saved someone. Watches the world in this timeline. Takes a deep breath in. The world flickers, ear drums ringing, watches in another timeline. They're alive in that timeline. Maybe she could pull them through --

No. Each timeline is only meant for one of each person. Swapping timelines is detrimental. She knows that.   Yet, she sits here, unmoving, still as every body rushes by.  Eyes watery.  Because she knows.  Everyone that thinks they're nothing, that thinks they aren't important, that feels useless --   doesn't deserve that.  They deserve a chance to live.  Not just survive,  not just trying to make it to another day.  But to live.   She's fine with nobody particularly paying attention to her right now.   It's not about her,  it's about the life lost in a senseless gunfight that she couldn't stop.  They don't know she's the vigilante that tries to stop all this --

Mary-Sue is exactly just that awkward chick that works at a bakery. Making mediocre cookies and cinnamon buns and helping mediocre middle aged guys with their coffe like they don't know how to make it.  Mary-Sue blinks.  A tear makes it's way down her cheek.  She still just sits on the bench around the corner from the shoot-out.  It's just that the tear didn't particularly make it too far.  She really wasn't expecting anyone to pay attention to her,  so pardon the jerk back.  Where her body leans backward,  nostrils flaring,  coming back to herself and society,  head turning to find the culprit.

Oh.  Okay.   Not culprit.  Absolutely not culprit.  Give her a couple more seconds,  she just stares at Kara.   Finally Mary-Sue raises a hand to slide across Kara's palm.  Hold Kara's hand in place.    "I couldn't save him."

09/02/2020 12:03 PM 

star maps ,

don't i look so nice?.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE LOOK ON MY FACE? THE LOOK IN MY EYES? DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. I'LL DIE FOR IT. I WANNA BURN THIS HOUSE TO THE GROUND AFTER PLAYING WITH FIRE. I WANNA BURN THIS MAP OF THE STARS.

                     NOW I'M FIRE.

it's  right  there.    nobody  else  can  see  it.    but  it's  right  there.   it  all  changes  so  quick.   she's  just  leaning  against  the  counter,   one  arm  crossed  over  her  stomach the  elbow  of  the  other  resting  on  it,   fingers  touching  her  chin.   the  bakery  is  slow  right  now.   a  customer  just  walked  out  and  she's  waiting  for  another  to  enter,   watched  them  walk  by  the  window.   then  the  room  flickers.   black  and  white,   the  sound  of  staticthe  poster  of  the  bakery  on  the  wall  flickers  in  and  out  of  this  timeline,   jumps  without  moving.   mary-sue  leans  forward,   nose  twitching.   she  doesn't  really  get  to  see  what  the  other  timeline's  poster  is  when  the  door  opens.   the  electronic  bell  echoes  annoyingly  in  the  small  bakery.   it's  isabel.

mary-sue's  hands  drop.    eyes  squint  so  hard  that  wrinkles  appear  between  her  eyes.   isabel  is  smiling  at  her  (though  that's  quickly  fading  because  mary-sue  definitely  looks  like  she's  in  another  world but  isabel  is  black  and  white.   a  product  of  another  timeline.   maybe  she's  trying  to  figure  out  how  that  could  happen.   how  two  timelines  can  interact  without  her  help.   mary-sue  walks  around  the  corner.   nothing  of  what  mary-sue  is  doing  is  what  she  usually  does.   she  doesn't  lightly  flirt  with  isabel,   doesn't  ask  isabel  how  her  day  is,   doesn't  compliment  isabel.

normally  she's  busy  contemplating  asking  isabel  out  on  another  date --   if  isabel  is  returning,   wouldn't  she  have  enjoyed  the  first  one?    black  white.   flicker.   loud  static.   loud  static  so  loud  that  mary-sue  raises  a  hand  to  press  to  a  ear  like  that  could  muffle  it.   and  then  it  hits  her,  much  like  a  mac  truck.   the  four  shots  in  isabel's  chest,  all  bleeding.   dropping  onto  the  ground.

everything  is  getting  louder!   isabel  is  supposed  to  be  dead.   she's  not.   she's  alive,   she's  looking  at  mary-sue  and  everything  is  getting  louder.   only  isabel  flickering  black  and  white.    EVERYTHING  IS  GETTING  LOUDER.   sounds  like  a  piercing  screech.   mary-sue  just  moves  towards  isabel.    presses  a  hand  against  isabel's  chest  like  that'll  stifle  the  bleeding.   EVERYTHING  IS  GETTING  LOUDER,   still  black  and  white.    this  is  new.    she  doesn't  know  what  to  do.   she  needs  to  pull  isabel  back  -  she  needs  to  pull  isabel  back  --    she  just  hugs  isabel.

wraps  her  arms  around  isabel's  waist.   and  then  the  static  disappears.    well,  she's  never  going  to  be  able  to  explain  that  manic  mood,   but  while  she's  getting  over  isabel  dumping  her,   she'll  figure  out  what  happened.

(  with  special  guest  appearances  by  isabel.  )

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