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Age: 26
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05/12/2021 08:55 PM 

Part 3: The Miscarriage

 
 
After a year of planning and dealing with in-laws that had quite obviously forgotten that it was my wedding and not theirs, Chase and I married; His parents annoyed me every chance they got. The ceremony turned out to be everything I had dreamed of and so much more. I had never liked the idea of a honeymoon when we could use our money more wisely to start our lives together; Amid all the excitement, we bought a house. We were happy. It was my perfect fairy tale, but fairytales are just stories. If only I knew that this would be the beginning of the end of our story.

My dreams became nightmares ——

He was my husband. There was no me without him and no him without me, just like it should be; Inseparable, in love, and foolish. We talked of having children, though I wasn’t ready for them yet. My career was finally starting to take off, and I had just met my half-sister and wanted time with her before getting buried in creating a family. There was so much I still wanted to accomplish before bringing a baby into the world; I thought he understood that, that we had an understanding that it would be best to be patient and wait, he would have no part of that. I didn’t know what to do so, of course, I went to my dad, who told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. My father’s the misogynistic type who believed, very strongly, that if “he wants a child, a child I was going to give him.” Not even six months into a marriage and I could already see that my life was no longer mine anymore. I felt defeated, but what kind of wife would I be if I didn’t please my husband and bear his children?

Caffeine. I wanted caffeine so bad but, with trying to get pregnant, I was not allowed. I bought myself decaf to trick myself into thinking it was the real stuff. I sat up in the bed, back pressed against the headboard with a cup of fake coffee in hand and my laptop on the bed next to me. My head lay back against the wood of the headboard with my eyes closed, the aroma of the coffee giving me a calming sensation as the smell filled the room. A few sips in and, I started to feel nauseous and lightheaded. “That’s weird,” I said to myself; I wasn’t one to get sick often so, this was unusual for me. I set the mug down on the table beside my bed, hurling my legs over the mattress to sprint for the bathroom. There I was, knees to the floor and violently vomiting into the toilet bowl. It was like a lightbulb went off; I shot up, collapsing against the wall behind me, and clutched my stomach instinctively. I was pregnant; I had to be.

I took a test; positive. I saw my doctor; positive. I tried my best not to panic, especially since the news would excite Chase more than anything, but what about how I felt? Did that even matter? Regardless, I waited patiently for my husband to come home so I could tell him our good news.

When he walked through the door, all I could think to do is stand there waiting for him with the test in my hands. He saw me and, he saw the test and quickly snatched the stick from my grasp. “We’re...we’re pregnant!?” He shouted excitedly, but all I could do was smile and nod. I lived for these moments; he was so happy. Maybe having a baby wouldn’t be such a horrible thing after all.

He wasted no time telling our families of our new addition to the William’s; everyone was excited for us. I started to grow attached to the idea of having the little bean growing inside me; I started admiring the belly I was growing. I felt so blessed until something happened that I never even took a second to prepare for.

It was a night like any other night; we were sound asleep upstairs in our bed. I remember Chase shaking me roughly, and when I opened my eyes, I could see the sheer terror in his face. Quickly, he pulled the blankets back to reveal blood covering the bedsheets and the lower half of my body. I screamed; I didn’t know another way to react. “Oh my god...what is going on?” I kept repeating, looking at my husband for some sort of reassurance but, he was too focused on what needed to be done. He wrapped me in a blanket and rushed us to the hospital. The whole ride there, he held my hand though he didn’t look at all worried; He looked angry if anything, and it terrified me. I’d never seen that look before that day.

Just as I feared, I lost the baby. We got to enjoy the thought of a baby for ten weeks, totaling only an eighteen-week pregnancy. For someone who did not want a baby, the news hit me pretty hard. How was I supposed to tell my husband? But as he walked into the room, I averted my eyes because I could already feel his energy. It was not a pleasant feeling. I wanted comfort instead I got;

“So? What did the doctors say?” He asked me; his voice was callous as he stood next to my bed.

My hands started to tremble as I opened my mouth to tell him the news, “We lost the baby. I am so sorry, Hunny.” I said as tears streamed down my face.

Before I could say anything else, he raised his hand and collided his palm into my cheek. The burning from the smack seared through my skin. He dove in his face only inches from mine, his finger pointing at me aggressively. “You did this on purpose. You didn’t want a baby, and now you’re trying to punish me. Kennedy, you will do as I ask. Do you understand me? I’ll deal with you later. Better get some rest; you won’t be getting much of that when we get home.” A chuckle left his lips before pressing them against my forehead. My skin started to crawl at his touch, and he walked out of the room. What was going to happen when we got home? Who was this man? He was no longer the man I married.

I sat in my hospital bed whilst holding my cheek that still burned with the anger he left behind. I’ve never known fear like this.
 

05/12/2021 06:14 PM 

fear is sabotage | poem

She feels broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
Though...she tries


A simple gaze into the depths of her being
Her body submitting to his unspoken commands
Submission of a promise she may not keep
That she may behave...

A submission too steep

A voice dominates over her, stern and strong
She talks back and disobeys, but he remains patient
He wants to steer but she switches gears
And there they stay as she works through her pain


Back and forth she goes
Afraid to let a man take the reigns once more
She wants to trust the will that runs in her veins
But fear has already dominated


Her past trauma clinging to the cloth of her life like stains to a shirt
Don't fault her for she knows not that she is sabotage
Convinced that happiness is not in reach

 
Because fear has already dominated

05/03/2021 06:59 PM 

trying to love again { poem }

I wish I still had the heart that could love you without hesitation.
The heart that had never been deceived and lied to and beat up and broken.
I wish I could give you more of me.
More of the parts they took with them when they left
but I'm still trying to figure out how to get them back.
And I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that when I feel like falling I inch away from the edge.
I know it can't be easy to love someone who doesn't know how to let you.
But I'll work on it.
Because you make me feel like late-night drives and hallmark baking scenes
and maybe I'm afraid because sometimes I love you scares me more than goodbye.
Maybe that makes me a coward
but the thought of doing this without you is even more terrifying.
So please bear with me, please hold on because I'm not letting go
.

say you wont let go GIFs - Primo GIF - Latest Animated GIFs

05/03/2021 06:58 PM 

drabble | Sarah

 
 
Nightmares. So many nightmares of screaming in the dark warehouse.

When Kennedy was not but 16 years old, she had experienced one of the most traumatizing situations she had ever encountered. She had been taken and held captive in a cold and wet warehouse where she was kept in a cage for over a month before she was finally rescued by the FBI. The screaming were of the mans other victims as he stole their innocence and took their lives. Kennedy tried so hard to put that part of her life behind her but all she heard was pain. She tried so hard to keep herself level headed because of the fear of being imprisoned once again so she took a deep breath to clear her mind and calm her nerves. Trying to force a calmness to take over her didn't seem to work so Kennedy sat up and reached for her medication and her water that sat on the table next to her. Once she took her pills, she ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes enjoying the feeling of her fingers along her scalp. Catching her lower lip with her teeth, she bit her lip as she opened her eyes to her dark bedroom.

Since sleep didn't seem to be in the cards for her so she rose to her feet and made her way to her desk to check her blog. She blogged a lot about her mental health and ways to cope through lifes curveballs but one thing that she blogged about more than anything was the inevitable introduction of herself to her half sister, her father's first child, who didn't even know she existed. Kennedy had known about Sarah since day one but befor her mom had disappeared she always told the twins that the right time hadn't come for their lives to cross paths, but now it was time. Though the city made it difficult to find people, she knew exactly where her sister was but her nerves always got the best of her so she prolonged the meeting, as if life wasn't already short enough.

A few days passed and Kennedy sat on one of the chairs in her cafe, reading a book. Hearing the bell from her cafe door ring, she instantly looked up to her potential customer. Before her was Sarah, the beautiful brunette that was the only family she seemed to have left since the only thing she saw of her father was a check every month to attempt to stay in her good graces. She put her book down and walked behind the counter offering the woman a soft smile. "Welcome to Witch's Brew, what can I brew up for you?" Scoffing at her own cheesy greeting, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Hi! Umm, Can I just get a white mocha with an extra shot of espresso please?" Sarah asked while reaching into her purse to pull out some cash but Kennedy took this moment to finally unravel the truth.

"It's on the house. Let me go ahead and take care of your coffee and I'll meet you over at the table in the corner." Kennedy took a deep breath and Sarah awkwardly nodded her head a bit confused as she watched the owner make her coffee.

After Kennedy was finished, she brought her coffee over and sat down across the from the brunette and nibbled on her lip nervously before killing the silence.

"Okay, I'm just going to say it...We're sisters...30 years ago your father left your mom to be with mine and had me.." Kennedy still couldn't tell people about her twin, it was too heartbreaking to mention. She looked down as she spoke but when she finished she looked up to a disturbed wide eyed woman. Should she have kept it to herself? Would it have been better that way?
 

05/03/2021 06:57 PM 

tbt: why she hates her birthday

 
 
A birthday arrived. Not just any birthday, but Kennedy's 14th birthday. To her, it was a big day; she was officially a teenager. Highschool bound and ready to take on the world. Or so she wanted to be; her mother, a beautiful woman. She had the body of a runway goddess, the thickest Italian hair, and the softest skin that left you craving for her touch. Generally, a happy-go-lucky person that had now been torn apart and beaten; her heart had worn out. Kennedy waking up, excited for her special day, ran into her parent's room. There, her father was in the blackest of suits. His expression was blank as he stared into the mirror, tightening his tie.

"Here, Daddy, let me help!" She walked swiftly over to her father and pushed the knot closer to the collar of his white button-up.

As she stood there, fixing her father's suit jacket, she heard a subtle sniffle. She looked over to see her mother in her favorite dress but curled into a ball in the middle of the bed. Confusion ran over the young girl.

"Momma, what's wrong?" She asked, but her father took young Kennedy by the hand and shook his head.

"Go get your best dress on, my love. Your sister is waiting." A cloud of darkness waved over the teen.

Her twin sister, Olivia, was the most loving sibling a person could ask for and was diagnosed with a mass in her brain. The only way to fix the problem would more than likely cause paralysis, and the family opted out of that option. Olivia refused to live the life of an useless vegetable. For two whole years the poor girl lived with the painful tumor within her head. Not understanding the severity of her sister's illness, Kennedy was excited to visit Olivia. Though watching her sister die slowly in front of her was still painful. The tumor was on the part of her brain where her memories were stored. At times, Olivia's memory would go back to when they were young kids, breaking Kennedy's heart because she knew what she was seeing was the past. Olivia had no recollection of the life going on around her at times, so Kennedy would take it upon herself and play along. It was painful, but the presence of her best friend is all Kennedy ever wanted.

Once Kennedy finished getting dressed, she flattened out her dress and walked into the entry hall where her father was helping her mother to put on her jacket. Her mother came to her, throwing a scarf around her daughter's neck, and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Happy birthday, my sweet girl." She said as she held back tears but her voice was still soft and loving.

There was something they knew but weren't telling her; Her heart began to murmur. Taking one step out of the open door that her father happened to prop open for the ladies, a chill ran through her. It wasn't the weather, no. It was the atmosphere; It was cold, dark, and eerie. A long ride to the hospital took place before the dreaded but exciting arrival. It had been almost a week since Kennedy had seen her sister, and not by choice. School had gotten in the way of her hospital attendance.

The halls of the hospital felt different; everyone's faces seemingly droopy, leaving Kennedy anxious. Without checking in, Kennedy raced to the room where her sister was. When she arrived, there she was; pale. God, she was pale. Dark circles surrounded her once beautiful and smiling blue eyes. They did their best to brighten at the sight of her other half.

"Olivia!" She whispered, knowing full well her sister had migraines almost daily that were impossible to reach with medicines.

Olivia struggled to pull up her lips to form a smile. Tapping the small amount of room on the side of her cot, Kennedy nodded and sat beside her. She took her sister's hand, her eyes dropping to look at them.

"You're cold! Let me get you another blanket." As her muscles prepared themselves for the lift off the bed, Olivia used whatever strength she had to squeeze her sister's hand and shook her head.

"No, Ken, listen." Lifting her free hand, she tucked Kennedy's hair behind her ear and sniffled.

"Please, take care of mom; she's a wreck. I'm ready to go, I don't want to fight anymore it's too hard. I love you with everything in me. Please take care of our parents, they're going to blame each other once I go." Her words were slow, sometimes in a slight slur but, no matter how hard she tried, Kennedy couldn't wrap her head around what was happening. Her sister knew her time was coming to an end. Olivia was deteriorating in front of her eyes, something she couldn't understand.

Right as the redhead was about to speak, her parents arrived in the room with a nurse that placed a band around Kennedy's arm so that no one would question her whereabouts. Kennedy moved to the side, still holding onto Olivia's cold hand so that her parents could love on her just a little more. A few hours went by, struggled conversations commenced; A few laughs, a few tears, and one last crazy cartoon. By the end of their time together, Kennedy had made her way to the other side of her sister. This time, laying down with her and holding her. She wouldn't let go. Her body refused the release of the soul that was already ready to move on. Olivia took one last look at her sister, using the rest of her strength to muster up a smile. Kennedy felt like she knew that smile and shook her head in a panic.

"Olivia, no...please..." Pleading in a whisper.

For the first time in two years, tears flooded from Olivia's concaved sockets. Holding her sister tighter, Olivia took her last breath, her eyes still on Kennedy. Breaking the dreaded silence was the sound of her flatlining, her body falling limp in Kennedy's arms. Doctors and nurses came rushing in; no sounds were made or, so it seemed. All she heard was the elongated sharp tone that told her that her life was now going to crumble from underneath her. The hospital personnel tried to move Kennedy from the bed but Kennedy just screamed and begged them to leave her be. The doctors pulled her away, trying fight them off but the pain was too much to bare. Her body faltered in their grasp, bring her to her knees.

"OLIVIA! NO! WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M NOT READY! DON'T LEAVE ME!" She looked over to her mother with pleading eyes, but her mother looked away, burying her face in the chest of her husband.

Trying to revive Olivia, they failed, placing the white blanket over her face and calling her time of death. Refusing to let her sister go, Kennedy took the blanket off her sister's cold, pale face and kissed her forehead, letting a tear drop onto her sister's still skin.

"Until later, darling." When she spoke, her words were broken and shattered. Half of her was now gone as she laid there, motionless. Kennedy climbed back into the bed and held her sister for what seemed like hours before they had to take her away. Kennedy sat on the cold linoleum floor, her mind distorted, her eyes puffy; her life may have ended along with her sisters.

"I love you..." She muttered, looking up for a moment before she laid on the floor and curled into a small ball in the middle of the bedless hospital room.
 

04/29/2021 05:40 PM 

before the dreams became nightmares pt 2

If you told me my heart would ache the way it did for Chase, I would have laughed in your face. I would have rolled my eyes and told you that you were delusional. But here I was a year later ready to take on the world with this beautiful being. I was rowdy, I was outspoken and I had an attitude -- he softened me. I was told I was beautiful, I was given security and happiness -- he loved me. I was intoxicated by his very presence. Though I had always been the type to love my space and independence, I could never seem to get enough of him. My skin tickled as my nerve endings begged for the tantalizing sensation that his sinful touch gave me many times over. With him I was in my own version of paradise. Intense, sensual and beautiful.

Before the dreams became nightmares ---

My restless mind always faulted me when it came to attempting to sleep throughout the night; this night was no different. My eyes shot open almost in a panic and instantly I found that my hand reached for Chase, who laid sound asleep next to me, as I processed that I was indeed safe and in my boyfriend’s apartment. Miraculously, my abrupt awakening failed to interrupt his deep slumber. With an amused roll of the eyes, I got out of bed and grabbed his button up from off the floor and pulled it over my head. Leaving his room, I walked down the hallway to the kitchen. I had no idea what I was looking for but I opened the fridge and shut it in a matter of seconds, I didn’t want to eat. I had a sudden urge to cry but I saw the bottle of wine on the counter so I decided to crack that open and pour myself a glass.

I hoisted myself onto the counter as I indulged in one of my many coping mechanisms. My absence must have woken Chase because before long my deed had been spotted. He stood not but five feet away with a suspicious grin plastered on his face. I could tell he knew something was bothering me, he always looked up to something before attempting to cheer me up. That’s because he usually was up to something but for once I wasn’t in the mood for his shenanigans. I shook my head with a gentle smile and closed my eyes as I took another sip from my wine.

Just as I was swallowing the remnants of distilled grapes, I could feel a piece of cloth being tied around my eyes and as I opened them I saw darkness, but felt silk. A bit of light had shown through the bottom of the cloth where my nose bridged; a blindfold. “Chase…” I whined in protest, not wanting to participate in whatever game he was trying to play. “Shh. Just let me take care of you. For once, just allow yourself to let go.” He whispered, his breath against my skin sending chills down my spine. I bit my lip in anticipation, instinctively wrapping my legs around his waist to pull him in closer. His fingers began to trickle up my thighs, his breath hot on my lips as he hovered over me. A squeal escaped me as his fingers disappeared from my thighs and ended up firmly gripped to my backside to scoot me closer to him as I remained on the counter. I could feel the cold air brush against my bare shoulders as he peeled the dress shirt to the side to place soft kisses along my collarbone. My head tilted back exposing the crook of my neck as I took in the quivering sensations.

Next thing I knew, he lifted me off the counter and brought me back to bed where he removed my blindfold and knelt down in front of me. I started to tell him something but then thought against it. With a wink, he dove down between my legs, nuzzling at first. His beard was a little rough on the insides of my thighs, then with his lips, then his tongue, he struck fire. I had to cry out in astonishment, in gratitude at being touched in the right place. Somehow, it always made me grateful when he found the right place, maybe because the feelings he gave me always felt indescribable. That strange feeling: gratitude and hunger. My hunger was being teased. It also felt like a punishment. I kept thinking of the word “thrum,” a cross between a throb and hum. I felt like a flame trying to catch; I heard it, there was something I was after, something I was trying to achieve, and there was always the danger that I’d miss it, I wouldn’t find it, or get hold of it. The terrible moment when you’re afraid you won’t, you’ll lose it, it won’t work, you won’t work, it is unworkable and you are very, very desperate. At the same time, you want to stay in this place of desperation … at the same time, you’re saying to yourself, you’re almost there, you’re almost there, you can’t possibly lose it now, keep on, keep on a bit longer, you are nearly there, I know it, don’t give up, you cannot lose it. Then suddenly you’re there.. Every experience with him was a reminder to never doubt his ability to give me the end result I craved.

I begged for him to bring me his lips so I can too have a taste of the victory we reached together. He stood and crawled onto the bed, hovering his body over mine but situating himself between my legs. For a moment he just stared into my eyes, I caressed his face and he leaned into my hand. “Kennedy Jayne Royal, Marry me.” He said softly, completely throwing me a curve ball I wasn’t prepared for. Luckily, he was as impatient as I was because before I could say a word, his lips crashed into mine. I melted into him once again and he entered me as our tongues danced between our lips. We folded toward each other, and then closed my eyes as I leaned back, arching, shored on my back-braced arms, and I let him pace the occasion. At some point I opened my eyes and saw him watching me, measuring my progress, and he looked a little isolated and wan so I pulled his head down once again and sucked salt from his tongue and heard the sounds of muffled moans and the headboard against the wall. Then it was a matter of close concentration. I listened for that little something inside the blood-rush and I spun my pelvis against his and it felt electric and desperate. Finally home free, I looked at his eyes stung shut and his mouth stretched so tight it seemed taped at the corners, upper lip pressed white against his teeth, and I felt a kind of hanged man’s coming when he finished, the jumped body and stiffened limbs, and I ran a hand through his hair.

He collapsed on top of me, resting his head on my chest as we both lay out of breath from the passion. Strand after strand, I played with his hair and contemplated the request he made in silence. I thought about how big that commitment was and how much it terrified me but I also thought about how much I loved this man and how much he obviously loved me. So, of course I said—


Yes!
I left a taste in your mouth, can you taste me now?

04/24/2021 07:04 PM 

before the dreams became nightmares pt 1

 
 
There was a time that we were undoubtedly and irrevocably in love. A time where there was no fear, no pain, just laughter and dreams of a life together. I was protected. I was cared for. I was the luckiest person I knew but just like everything else in life it was only temporary. I suppose you could even say, my luck ran out.

Before the dreams became nightmares

Chase Williams, the man who caused my heart’s demise, was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes on. He had a bit of a shaggy beard going on, he definitely needed a haircut but his eyes...his eyes were that of emerald green, breathtaking to say the least. Six foot two inches he stood with an athletic build with what looked like tattoos peeking out from his sleeves but his eyes had already stolen my attention, choosing to ignore the rest of his physique. Forgetting I was in a bar, in public and that he was an actual human being, had led to him approaching me. Apparently I was staring a bit too long for his comfort.

 

I practically choked on the drink that was in my hand, nervously stirring with my straw as his green hues once again intoxicated my gaze. Clearing my throat, I started my apology with an unwarranted flirty smile. “Listen, I know you’re not just a pretty face but those eyes…” I blurted, knowing damn well what it’s like when a man stares at me the way I was obviously staring at him. I began to hear angels singing as he seemingly was laughing at the statement I chose to make this situation any less awkward. I couldn’t tell if he was laughing at me because I’m obviously mentally challenged or because that was the smoothest line he’s ever heard, I was voting for the latter. 

 

Before I could say anything to make matters any stranger, he looked down at my drink and this man, this stranger had the audacity to scoff at me whilst he flagged down the bartender. “Are you drinking anything or do you just enjoy spinning ice around in a glass with your straw?” Of course I was drinking something, I thought to myself but as I looked down at my empty glass I pursed my lips together and shrugged. “Vodka-cran, please.” That was one hell of a way to ask me if I wanted a drink but I rolled with it, no need to bring the strong independent woman into this situation so I just followed my request with a smirk.
 

We talked, oh we talked for hours that night. Drink after drink, laugh after laugh we got lost in the presence of one another and acted as if no one else was around which is why we are now unfortunately, permanently banned. I was sloppy, a little everywhere but somehow he had managed to get us both safely to his place since I was too far gone to successfully give him my address. 

 

I remember sitting on a stool at the island of his kitchen, the room was spinning and Chase was pouring me a glass of water. Suddenly, for what felt like just a moment everything went still and all I could hear was the water running. Next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to him cradling my head. I was confused how we were suddenly both on the floor. I just remember him looking at me like he knew me, like he felt my blood pressure rise each time our eyes met even if it was accidental. I could feel a hunger in him, but not of the sexual type. A hunger for love, for a companion. From the things he told me that night, his life was that of a horror movie but there was a softness in him that I found incredible, given the events that took place. It felt as if only minutes had gone by before he leaned into me slowly. I was hesitant, but his gentle caress upon my cheek allowed my guard to lower my protective gates and his lips were on mine within seconds. The tender peck lingered, any tension in my body was no more. When he pulled away I felt like a child on the verge of a tantrum but I held myself together...not much longer after our lips separated I felt like I was about to upchuck. Perfect timing, Kennedy. I know. After a couple hours of tending to my ailments, he was able to get me into bed. He slept on the couch while I hogged his California King.
 

I still don’t feel bad about it.


I would never claim to be graceful, poise or well-mannered but knowing how I behaved that night was embarrassing and the fact that that man stuck around anyways you’d think he’s a keeper, right? Yeah, I thought so too. I never truly understood the concept of love, let alone love at first sight but I knew this was the beginning of a different life for me. 

 

04/24/2021 07:03 PM 

trigger warning { poem }

 

it's not my time,

Your eyes glistened like the light from the brightest candle
It was losing you that was the hardest to handle
Our souls combined were brighter than the stars
Now here I am staring at my scars
Scars that are a reflection of a past you were involved in
I was happy once, but now I can never win
I see the future where your body doesn't exist
Now I stare blankly at the canvas I call my wrist

Never did I think a pain like this could be real
Our lives were like a tightened jar,
then someone broke the seal
I want to hear your laugh again and again
Replay the memories the made you my friend
Darkness surrounds me but there's always this light
This light that always guides me and tells me to fight

I can feel your hands taking mine
showing me that I have too much time
Too much time to wallow and cry
Too much time to just let life pass me by
A life that you can no longer live
So how am I being fair, when your life you had to give
You were taken so suddenly but I know you had to surrender I know you had pain and your heart had never been so tender

I remember your smile and the way you looked at me
We had so much love for one another; we were family
I look back now and I wouldn't change a thing
Even the bad times, because it was us and you were a king
Please watch over us as we try to break through this
We're still hurting and need your spirit to consume us.

 

04/24/2021 07:02 PM 

Dear Diary { New Beginnings }

 

Dear Diary,

"Be strong." my father would tell me with every tear I've cried. There was no room for weakness, no room for boys, no room to be a child. There was danger all around because of my fathers choice of employment, so of course why would I have a normal childhood? A childhood where my parents loved me and just wanted me happy and healthy. Nope, my mother is god-knows-where and my father is too busy protecting a family that isn't his own and you wonder why I am the way that I am. But because I feel, because my heart bleeds, I'm weak...and boy was my father ever right!

If there was ever a wish I could have granted it would be to go back in time to those blissful days with the one I cared about most. Sure, our time together wasn't log but it was the realist love I'd ever felt. Everyone has their opinions but everyone fall in love differently and I don't even regret the quickness in which our relationship developed. I wish I could describe the feeling...

Have you ever spun around in circles and when you stopped you were stumbling and on the verge of falling...that's what this love felt like and I was so excited to experience it. I was in it for the long haul and so was he...or so I thought.

We split, everyone knows and there's not a day that I don't wish I could crawl into a hole. With every week passing the deeper the loneliness sets in, the darker the world seems to get. Of course I wouldn't tell anyone that, why would I? Every gathering filled with yet again another broken promise, every drink filling a temporary satisfaction within me. For a moment I could close my eyes, letting the liquid burn as it slithered down like a snake with it's eyes on sin. But for that moment the darkness, the pain, every aching memory are blacked out.

But daddy was right...I need to be strong. I need to never let a man make me feel less than how I felt when I met him. I was okay before and I'll be okay after. Moving on is going to be hard but I'm going to do it for me. I'm going to be strong, for me. I need to be the woman I dreamt myself to be because that's what I deserve. So here's to a new beginning, a new mindset, and well a new me.

Yours Truly,
Kennedy Jayne Royal

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