Country: United States
September 16, 2019
12/15/2019 02:46 PM
falling off the wagon
Flipping through old pictures as she let herself feel the loss that was there. The hole that would never heal. There were many holes like that inside of Teagan. Her heart was full of people who she lost and could never see again. Her mother was he first, that deep siring pain that came every time she thought of the woman lately, like she had not right to feel comforted by her memories when she'd let her mother down every time she put the white powder to her nose, or the time she'd watched a man die and didn't even think about his life when she had him taken care of to protect herself. The other was him. The first tattoo she'd ever gotten was because of him and though he'd never know about it, it was there. It was always there, a constant reminder of him that she'd never shake. It was something she never wanted to. Things didn't seem to ever work in their favor, chance after chance, like some long winded romance novel. He'd always been there through the best times in her life and the hardest. He'd shown up even when they weren't together to support her. He was her constant and as much as she tried to fight it she knew he always would be. There was no way around the fact that whatever souls were made out of, theirs was made out of the same thing.
Curled up on the bed clutching the bear he'd given her at her first Victoria's Secret fashion show, she stared at a picture of them. It was nothing fancy, just a quick shot of them together at the beach by Chadwick. Surrounded by friends, surrounded by each other. Curled up in his arms as she stared at him and he stared at her and you'd never guess by looking at the picture the two wouldn't end up together. It was hard to face, hard to swallow how much had changed since then. Teagan sniffed back her tears as she rolled over and stared at the lock. It was almost two there where meant it was almost 11 in LA. She couldn't help herself as she grabbed her phone and scrolled past his number. Just staring at it as she contemplated what she was doing. With everything in her life going to sh*t, maybe she just needed something familiar to remind her everything was going to be ok.
Teagan rolled her finger over the call button, holding it too long before she released and the instant ringing came through the receiver. She could already tell this was a bad idea, but it was too late now. All she could hope for was voicemail so she could leave her message and retreat back into her box of sadness.
12/04/2019 03:50 PM
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12/02/2019 01:01 PM
The Reasons [Part 3]
If you want to read from the beginning The Reasons Part 1 & The Reasons Part 2
Teagan had been texting Cherish for the first time in what felt like forever. They were friends, best of, and she’d be there anytime the girl needed her. Right now she was just getting into the life that Teagan already knew. The spot light, the public eye, the place where there was no where to hide. It happened quickly for Teagan, she took off, blew up, and lost everyone it felt like. She didn’t lose all of them in the sense that if she called they wouldn’t pick up, but they weren’t lead roles in her life anymore. She wasn’t living a movie with a full cast, she was living a documentary on a lonely girl.
When she pictured where she’d be when she was older this was never it. Sure when they were promised the world in the secrets of Rosemary, she envisioned all of them together hand in hand, friends forever. However that was a fantasy, her life was a fantasy. It wasn’t what people saw. Sure she had fans, sure she could get almost anything she wanted, sure she was a sought after model, and while those things were things she truly treasured, there was so much more missing. She missed late nights curled up in bed gossiping with her best friend about boys and high school drama. She missed trips to the beach and late night bonfires making memories with her best friends. She missed the life she left behind too early. The saying was right, you always miss it once its gone.
Laying in bed as she stared at the ceiling she was haunted by memories she wanted to erase. She’d seen once in a movie about erasing people from your mind. The ability to truly forget someone. She didn’t remember how it ended, but she understood what would prompt someone to follow through. She’d do it if she could. She’d erase the pain and move on with her life. She wouldn’t stalk his instagram and see his happy life. See how he was living it up without her and doing just fine. She wouldn’t see that he’d gotten everything he ever wanted. She wouldn’t care because she wouldn’t know. She’d forget the letters she wrote, she’d forget the good times and bad. She’d forget pulling a Meredith Grey on him as she begged him to pick her, choose her, love her. He didn’t though, choose her. They never did in the end. That was her curse.
Teagan was filled with years of heart break. Each time a little worse than the last. Her first love was fleeting, quick, but showed her what love could taste like. She found a playmate and memories that she honestly didn’t hate. Her second loss was ripped from her time and time again for reasons beyond their control, but he was always someone there to pick her back up. He was there to remind her she was beautiful and deserved better, but when it came time for them to make it for real no childish antics, it was too late. She knew she was the blame this time. Maybes and What ifs could convince her that she was the problem. She should of, would of, could of, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. A fact she continues to tell herself daily.
There are days she could go on and not think about him, not think about them, not think about what they could have been, but then something happens. A song happens, a text from an old friend happens, an accidental peek into his world, and she was right back where she started. How do you tell your heart to stop loving someone? How do you tell it to stop aching, that it’s never gonna happen, that holding on is harder than letting go? How do you convince yourself that this is all self inflicted and if you could stop focusing on one and looked up you could see the endless possibilities? You couldn’t. It was why Teagan hated social media, she hated the easy access. She hated that she could see everything going on with him. Work never made her busy enough to forgot the longing in her heart, but it was time.
It was time for her to let go. It was time for her to move forward. Cherish had, she’d stopped looking back and look what happened. She was now letting the world see how amazing she was. She’d be coming out behind her mask and revealing that behind it all she was worth taking a look at. Teagan envied her friend more than she’d ever admit. She envied her happiness. She envied that she was growing into this strong woman and while she was happy for Cherish, she wanted that feeling for herself.
The blonde had pushed out of bed going to the bathroom and cleaning up her face. She covered the puffy under eyes with concealer, hiding the sadness with make up. She had one thing on her mind, one thing she knew would set her free. At least she hoped. There was a part of her holding out for him, a part of her she saved for him. She wasn’t sure why she’d saved it, maybe if he’d come around he’d want it, or if he decided she was the one and he found out it was gone, he’d leave again. Her whole world was based around him and he didn’t even know. She needed to end the cycle and break free of his hold he had on her.
She didn’t bother to put on much, a black slip dress and some heels as she headed down to the bar around the corner. Something good about the city that never slept, there was always a place to find a drink, and in every hole in the wall bar there was always a guy willing to give you want you needed.
The bar was empty as she walked in, her heels clinking against the concrete as she entered. The music was playing, but just barely as the bartender cleaned glasses behind the bar. She was already living on a liquid diet of Pinot Grigio and water, so when she ordered a shot from the bartender it drowned out that sober feeling almost instantly. Her target was quickly spotted as she moved down the bar towards him. He was in his late twenties, good looking, but unshaven. He looked like a kindred spirit trying to numb the pain. He was a stranger and someone she’d never see again, but that was the plan. She didn’t want to see him again. This was a one night thing, this was cutting strings, this was Pinocchio being set free.
Her hand ran up his arm as she approached, her eyes going to his features gauging his reaction. His green eyes found her baby blues as he took a long drink from the bottle. It was all non verbal at this hour as she nodded towards the bathroom. The stranger looked at the door, back to Teagan, and back to the door before a sly smile crossed his lips and he nodded his head saying yes. “ you’re not a hooker are you?” He asked obviously thinking he couldn’t afford her.
“ No… Stop talking.” she stated bluntly as she shook her head almost irritated with his voice. A woman on a mission as she moved her hand to grip his and led him to the bar bathroom. Locking the door behind them she didn’t feel nervous, she felt numb. Losing your virginity was supposed to be this magical thing, and she was about to throw hers away.
The man wasted no time as if he knew she was coming and was just waiting for her arrival. His lips moved in for hers, but she turned her head letting them catch her neck. Leaning up against the bathroom wall as his beard scratched against her skin, leaving irritations on her flesh as he sucked at the sensitive spots. She closed her eyes for a moment and the man disappeared and someone else took his place. He wasn’t a stranger at all. His face was familiar, just like she’d remembered it. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” His comforting dark eyes relaxing her as she nodded to assure him it was what she wanted. It was all she’d been wanting and for a moment he was hers.
Her breath was labored as her mind played tricks on her, letting her believe it was him that had her dress pulled down, his mouth exploring her chest. Him who’s hands were sliding over her body as it grazed her frame. She felt her self turned on by the thought as her mouth hung open and his hand slip inside her panties making sure she was ready. “Are you sure, T?” He asked again as he came to her, his body holding her to the wall, losing herself in the imaginary feel of him, because the moment he pushed inside of her, she was shaken awake.
Her eyes shot open as she took a second to realize where she was and it hit her. The stranger wasn’t easy, but didn’t know he needed to be as her leg hitched on his hip trying to find a comfortable position as she groaned, gritting her teeth. His movements were fast, quick, and hurt more than she was willing to admit. Every bit of the pain was a reminder of why she was doing this. Her hands gripped his shoulders as he moved in and out of her tight core, feeling the small droplets of blood as it threatened to roll down her inner thigh. She kept her eyes fixated on the hair dryer, closing for a moment to get back to that place but she couldn’t. It was gone. He couldn’t see him anymore as a tear trickled down her cheek. Panting heavily as the man thrusted hard, grunting loudly before he pulled out releasing himself on her stomach.
She was frozen in place as she kept her eyes on the hand dryer, her place of solace in this nightmare she had created. The man hunched over by the sink as he collected himself and looked to her with a pleased grin. “ Thanks, blondie.” and exited the bathroom. She felt dirty and sick as she finally moved off the wall. Grabbing toilet paper she rubbed her skin until it was red getting his left overs off her body. What did she just do? What did she just do?
The blonde moved to the mirror seeing her reflection, black mascara tears staining her cheeks. She cleaned up the best she could before exiting, making no eye contact as she left the bar and headed back to her penthouse reliving the last few moments over and over in her head. She felt abandoned by her memories of him when she needed him the most, but that was the point. He wasn’t there, he couldn’t be there, and she needed to realize that he never would be. It was a fantasy life her heart held onto.
Teagan rushed to get inside the shower when she returned home. Standing under the down pour until the hot water turned cold and still didn’t feel anymore clean than she had before she'd gotten in. She’d tainted herself and she could feel the black mark on her psyche forming from her decision. Laying on her bed she pulled her pillow to her chest as she hugged it tightly. As if on queue her tears began to flow, soft sobs followed as she stared at the floor and he popped in her head once more. “ I hate you.” she stated to his memory as she turned her head, buried her face in her pillow [End of Flashback]
Teagan stared at the dress that she'd wore that night as it laid on the edge of her bed. She could remember when she bought it, how she thought he would love it on her, and maybe want to take it off. She thought about all the times she did things for him without him ever knowing. How he was her world and how she was just.. Teagan. She'd given up so much of her life for him that she remembered what drove her away. She left New York because of him. She stayed away from the states because of him. She'd spent the last two years in Italy, working, because of him and he had no idea. He never asked her to. He never told her to. Her heart convinced her to hold out for him. But was it for him or was it for her? She had done this to herself. The reason wasn't him it was her. If she had just accepted the truth, maybe she'd feel the happiness she envied in others.
Teagan felt her stomach turn as she stared at the dress. The memories flashing over and over again till she could feel herself back there in the bathroom with the stranger. Everything she gave up in that moment. It was more than just her virginity. It was her innocence, it was her relationship with her mother, with her father, with Cherish. She'd given everything up for nothing because the moment she'd let that guy take a piece of her, she lost herself. She lost the Teagan they all knew and facing them as a stranger broke her heart. Grabbing the dress as she jumped off her bed, Teagan walked over to the balcony, pulled the sliding glass door open, and tossed the dress out over the railing. She felt weak as the fabric left her fingertips, dropping to the ground as she fell to her knees. Teagan let it go, she let it all go. Everything she was holding in, the pain, the hurt, the longing, the sadness. This was what she'd needed. What this whole night had lead up to. Reliving the pain, experiencing it, facing it, all so that she could move on. . . .
She didn't know how long she'd been laying there on the floor when she heard a knock at the door. Lifting her head as she wiped her tears she wondered for just a moment, was it him. Was he coming? Had she done everything right to finally get what she wanted? Had fate finally allowed her to feel happiness? Pushing herself up off the floor she ran to the door as she pulled it open with hopeful eyes.
"Teagan Trafficante, I'm Detective Ryan Harrison with the N.Y.P.D missing persons unit. I'd like to come down to the station so we can talk to you about Rick Delgado." Teagan face went pale, her stomach knotted and her heart sank. This was the past coming back to bite her in the ass.
11/29/2019 11:10 PM
The Reasons [Part 2]
If you want to read from the beginning The Reasons Part 1
Teagan had left her bed room and the memories behind. She'd started the trip down memory lane and now all she wanted to do was stop it. It was more than she remember, harder than she remembered. That night had been the start of a chain of events she'd rather not relive, but she knew the only way to actually move forward was to face the facts, face her truth. Her life wasn't perfect, she wasn't perfect, and her future was unsure. All the blonde wanted was a day to feel at peace again. A day to feel herself genuinely happy, but even when she tried to allow herself solace, it was always haunted by the lingering shadows of her past and the memories that they kept.
Gathering hangers she'd started to sift through the clothes, hanging up what she wanted to keep and tossing the others in a pile to give away. Most of the outfits were two years out of style, while the others could be paired with accessories to bring them back to life. As she sat among the sea of clothes she found herself drifting back into her subconscious as if someone hit play on her memories and let them continue to roll. [Flashback 12.23.17 4:30am]
"Teagan?... Teagan? You here?" She could hear the voice growing closer and louder as he walked through her penthouse. It would only be a matter of time before he saw the horror movie scene playing out on her bedroom floor. She'd be forced to explain what happened, and that alone had caused her heart to race rapidly as she prepared herself for his reaction. It was only last minute that she thought maybe she should prepare him for what he was about to walk into. Quickly she pushed herself up off the papasan chair perched in the corner and made haste for the door. " TEAGAN!?" She heard his deep voice grow loud, his tone fill with worry. His foot steps grew heavy as he pounded up the last few steps and rushed to her bedroom door. She knew he'd seen the bloody mess before he could see her and could only imagine the fear that flooded him as he rounded the door to her bedroom and stepped in.
Teagan watched as his eyes frantically search for her, for an answer to what he was looking at, but as his dark hues darted around they landed on the blood stained blonde standing before him she saw his features soften. "F***." was all he could exclaim in his relieved tone as he took the few steps towards her and pulled her against his chest. His hands threaded through her blonde locks as he seemed to be searching her body to make sure she was in one piece. He didn't give her enough time to breathe before he was pulling back, his thumbs caressing the blood on her face to ensure it wasn't hers. " Are you ok?.. Are you bleeding?.. What happened? Talk to me." He was firing off questions so fast she wasn't even sure which one to answer as she stared up into his dark hues, his hold on her head preventing her from turning away to hide the shame she felt.
" I.. He.." She couldn't finish her thoughts. Of all the people in the world she didn't want to know about this, he was one of them. It was her heart that called him, not logic knowing he'd be able to help her. No, she was scared and when you're scared you want the one person who can make you feel safe, make you feel like it was going to be ok, but now as he stood there staring into his eyes, she felt nothing but shame and regret for even opening up this wound.
"You .. You and him what?" Teagan could read in his eyes that he was trying to piece together what she had been trying to say. It was obvious to the blonde his mind went to sex, causing his dark eyes to grow even darker. "You f***ed him?!" He asked, the jealousy laced in his words. "You're lucky he's f***ing dead. I'd kill him!"
"Stop! I didn't! Stop!" Teagan argued at the taller male, her eyes finding his. "It wasn't that, we.. we were just trying to take the edge off." Spouting out a cryptic explanation. "He wanted to do more and then he went from looking at me to..." Her eyes went to his dead body in the puddle of blood against her floor. " ... well to that." Her eyes shot back up to his. " I didn't.. I mean I haven't." Trying to explain to him that she was still hymen-ly intact.
His features softened as he pulled her into his arm and pressed his lips to her forehead as his strong hand moved against her back in a protective hold. " Don't worry. I'll take care of it ok. This won't come back on you." His words were assuring and she'd know better than to ask too many questions. She'd knew about his family, she knew about the dark parts of his life. Secrets he'd shared with her that night in the hospital, secrets she'd kept about who he was and the things he'd done. That night when for just a moment she got to feel what it would be like to be together. If she was more than just a friend. If she was his.
Take care of it was right. He'd made one phone call and before she knew it there was a crew of men spread out around her penthouse assessing the damage. " Come on. We're going to get out of here. Your penthouse will be back to normal tomorrow." He good at keeping her calm and again she didn't ask questions. She trusted him fully and nothing was going to break that.
The pair arrived at his father's house just before the sun began to wake and light up the night sky. The car ride had been silent, but the gestures were enough to speak for them. His hand rode shot gun on her thigh as she caressed his arm for comfort. How was she going to live with this? How would she explain it? Would someone come looking for him? Did he have a family? Her conscious was running rampant so much so that it must have said so on her face. Every time she felt the anxiety and panic attack set in, he gave her leg a squeeze and like medicine it calmed her. He had an effect on her she couldn't fight and frankly didn't want to.
Today felt like something new though. It felt like maybe things were going to be different between them. That they could finally make it work. That all the stress of tonight showed each of them what they really meant to each other. At least that's how it was for her.
Opening her car door he grabbed her bag and her hand, never releasing his grip as he guided her into the house. It was such a conflict of inner feelings because the night with Rick felt like a life time ago, and right now all she could focus on was him. Her fingers laced with his as he walked them into the house, one she'd been to countless times for hang outs and parties, one that even though it wasn't home felt homey to her.
"Hey." He called to her as he tossed her bag on the couch and pulled her into his strong arms. Her heart raced, pumping wildly, begging to escape from her chest as she stared up into his dark eyes unable to take her gaze away. " Everything is going to be OK. I won't let anything happen to you, T. I promise." He whispered as she nodded and just like that the world stopped. Everything went silent, she couldn't even hear the sound of the early morning birds chirping. She felt a nervous calm wash over her as her eyes flickered back and forth between his. It was like a movie, slow motion, as he leaned in and as if on cue, she raised up on her tip toes and met him in the middle.
Their lips touched, a soft brush at first as her whole body felt warm from the inside out. Teagan's hands untucked from under his as her arms snaked around his neck giving him the ok that he was waiting for. His lips parted as he captured her bottom pout, sucking softly as her own lips closed around his. A sweet gentle kiss that grew as the moments passed to something more. More passionate fueled by years of desire that neither had ever crossed the line of friendship to confess. His tongue slipped past her lips tangling with hers and in this moment everything she wanted was coming true. The letter she'd wrote him that she never sent was being read to his lips by her own. He was getting to feel everything she felt for him that she couldn't say as her head tilted to deepen the kiss.
The only thing that pulled them away was the need for air, resting his forehead to hers as she caressed the nape of his neck with her thumb. "Get cleaned up. I'll be here when you get out." She nodded and brushed her nose to his before using all her force to pull herself away. It was ok though, he'd be there when she got out just like he'd said. [8:30am]
Teagan stared at the tiled floor as the water washed away the crimson remains of her night. There was something about watching it disappear into the drain that made her feel cleaner. Like seeing the evidence assured her that it was gone and everything was going to be ok. That he was right and that nothing bad was going to happen to her. The thought of him had her bringing her fingers to her lips still feeling the lingering brush of his. Everything was different now. He knew how she felt and he felt the same way, she was sure of it. The way he kissed her back, she just knew things were going to be better.
The blonde walked back into the living room to see him fiddling with his phone as he rested against the couch. Her long legs carried her to the couch as she leaned over the back, her arms slipping around his neck hanging loosely against his chest. "You're here." She whispered softly as she nuzzled his neck, burying her face in the crook as she took in the smell of his cologne. She couldn't believe she'd waited all this time to feel this good.
"I told you I'd be here." He assured her as he sat up pulling away and standing to his feet. " I ordered you some food, post mates will be here in about ten minutes." He stated as she watched him check the app to be sure. Her blue eyes studying everything about him as if she was seeing him in a new light. " I have to go do some things. We're having family dinner here later if you want to stay?" He stated in question form.
Teagan nodded not wanting to go back to her penthouse alone just yet anyway. " Sounds fun." She agreed before his arms came around her, he kissed her forehead and made his exit. [6:45 pm]
Teagan couldn't get the kiss out of her mind. In fact she was replaying it over and over like her favorite song. She knew she had the courage to tell him now, let him know that she was ready for him, for them. That they could be happy together, that everything they wanted was achievable. She couldn't wait to see him, so much so that she could feel her cheeks blushing at the thought. This was really happening.
She'd waited all day for his return, but he'd yet to show, figuring he knew she was there, and that they had plans to meet up for dinner she didn't think too much of it. Especially once she'd realized she left her phone at her penthouse so contacting her would be more of a struggle than it was really worth. Instead she changed thankful she'd packed something semi decent to wear in her bag.
Teagan had barely finished up getting dressed when she heard commotion coming from the back patio. Peeking down from the window overlooking the terrace she saw the familiar head of hair and smiled to herself, excitement spreading on her features. She tried to reel them in as she descended the stairs but she was too excited, too happy to have something real again. Too happy to hide the joy and bliss written all over her face.
"Starting the party without me?" Teagan teased as she saw his father hug him and pat him on the back while his sister spoke to...She paused and for a moment she felt like she was having an out of body experience, one she'd recognized from the nights at Rosemary. The ones that happened when she was protecting herself from fear. Fear that had seeped in the moment she laid eyes on her. Her.. She.. the one who turned to her and smiled when she saw her.
"Teagan. Look." The woman was beaming as she thrust her hand in front of her face practically blinding her with the diamond rock on her finger. The important finger, the finger that had Teagan's heart shattering. " We're ENGAGED!" She squealed with excitement as Teagan gave her best surprised expression she could muster.
"Oh my god. Wow. That's ... Wow. Some ring." Nodding as she felt like a shirt that was unraveling at the seam. She was trying to form words, trying to do anything but stand there and feel stupid as her heart shattered. Swallowing her eyes went to his only to watch him look away. It stole her breath.
"I can't believe it." His now fiance gushed over her ring as Teagan nodded the fake smile holding on her face as she tried to command her feet to move, to carry her out of there before she broke.
She opened her mouth to speak choking on her words because the tears were more powerful. " I have.. I forgot I was supposed to meet my agent. I just wanted to come by and say congratulations. You guys celebrate.. really." Teagan nodded as his fiance grabbed her hands and begged her to stay. " No this is a family thing and we can celebrate another time OK." Assuring the woman as Teagan turned and walked back into the house to gather her things.
Her heart was in pieces settling in the pit of her stomach, the pain was almost too much to bare. Was she wrong about what she felt? What she thought he felt? Did he not feel the same thing she felt in that kiss? He kissed her and went and got engaged! Her body felt too weak to carry her as her tears spilled down her cheeks. Shoving her clothes in her bag while she held the house cordless to her ear with her shoulder to call for a cab. [End of Flashback]
Teagan walked across the room towards the window as she stared out at the view, not even realizing her arms had come around herself hugging her as she came out of the memory. She was breaking her heart all over again. Opening the old wounds that never healed, letting them bleed once more. She wanted to feel whole again. She wanted to feel better, truly better. She was still too young to feel like happiness wasn't obtainable. She wanted to be happy, she wanted to experience joy. Real joy. The kind that came without effort. The kind that was just a state of being. She'd seen her friends feel it. She'd had it a few times herself but like every time it was taken away before she could really enjoy it. It was why she'd left the city for so long. Thinking being away would allow her to reset and recharge and come back whole, but the moment she returned to the big apple, it was like she stepped back into her former self. No this was a purge she'd have to experience, there was no more hiding from the pain.
[ This blog post is private ]
09/18/2019 02:38 PM
The Reasons [Part1]
Teagan had to brace herself for impact. She wasn't sure what she was going to be walking into considering the state she'd left in. The need to escape her world was instant that morning she'd woken up. The morning she hopped on a jet and left New York. So much had happened that lead up to her escape. So many things began to haunt her that running away was better than staying and facing the consequences of her actions. She couldn't open up to her father because he didn't know what she'd been up to. She couldn't open up to Cherish, because she was living her life. She was happy and bringing her down after all she'd been through was not something Teagan wanted to be responsible for. In her mind leaving was the only way to insure that everyone was happy. Everyone except her and that was her burden to bare alone.
Hiding out in the hotel wasn't her original plan when returning. She'd planned to head straight for her penthouse, but just walking out of the terminal, being instantly recognized, and forcing herself back to what being home was like. Well it was a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone who was teetering on an emotional purge.
Pushing the heavy door open it was like stepping into a time machine, her penthouse was exactly how she'd left it. She stepped in dropping her bag at the door as she did a quick survey of the damage before her. There were designer clothes thrown about, hanging from the backs of the couches and chair. Shoes mismatched in different plies on the floor. A rack of dresses she was supposed to choose from for gala but never got around to attending. Swallowing in an attempt to alleviate the pressure on her chest, she entered her bedroom. The bed was unmade, her pillows hanging off the edge as she absentmindedly took a large step over a clean space in the carpet. The spot was clear and to the naked eye she was stepping over nothing, but to her a memory burned into her that she'd never escape.
“ Come on, Blondie. You’re down right?” Rick called out to Teagan. The blonde watched him turn to get his dark eyes on her just as she was about to finish off the champagne flute in her hand. This was never where she saw her life going. Drugs? Sure she’d dabbled in weed, but this wasn't just a silly misdemeanor line she'd crossed, this was addicted ruin your life drugs. This was career suicide, lose everything you've worked for type of drugs, and yet here she was again. However, this time in a more intimate gathering. Fewer people, more party favors, an exclusive guest list, and she was one of the lucky ones.
This wasn’t the first time Teagan had been put in this position. It was a few months prior when the famous blonde had found herself at a celebrity hosted shindig, hanging out in the VIP when she was offered the nose sugar for the first time. Everyone in the room had taken their line like seasoned experts and as it got to her, she glanced around the room at her peers. All eyes on her judging her next move as she went against her better judgment and took the offered line. The experience had been something she could never explain. The way the high hit her was like a confidence boost. She felt like for the first time in a while like everything would be ok. Maybe it was her past couple relationships that didn’t end on good terms. Maybe it was the need to release the what if questions that lingered in the back of her mind. Maybe it was her mother missing every milestone she'd passed in her life. Maybe it was a little bit of everything all rolled into one that had her taking the fork in the road to her placing a rolled up hundred to her nose and inhaling the white powder.
Tonight wasn’t any different. Teagan knew she wanted an escape, rather needed an escape. So much had happened in the recent past that was destroying her slowly, putting her in the position to want to run away from it all, and yet it felt like she was still cemented to the ground. She felt forced to remain there and witness the world moving on without her as the strings of the past held her back. Teagan had burned the letter she’d wrote, knowing it was better to keep the truth to herself than open up the old wounds that would bleed from her plea. It was too late for that now. Delivering the confession would have only lead to heartache and pain for others, that just dealing with it herself was enough. She didn’t want to burden anyone else with these feelings or that weight.
“Teagan, Bring that ass over here. You wanted this.” Rick outstretched his arm as he grabbed a hold of hers, leading her around the couch to the seat next to him, and handed her the small plastic straw. “ C'mon Babe. I don’t wanna party alone." Teagan paused for a moment as the devil and angel on her shouldered battled it out, but quickly the devil won and Teagan placed the straw to her nose and lowered her head inhaling the line of powder. Sniffing hard she threw her head back, feeling her eyes water slightly before pinching her nostrils as she shook off the instant head rush. "That’s a good girl” He coached as his calloused hand came to her leg massaging at her upper thigh.
This wasn’t Teagan’s normal crowd. In fact she’d been avoiding Rick ever since the first time she’d met him. He made her feel dirty in a bad way. He was a little skeevy, a little greasy, almost to the point where your subconscious knew to keep your guard up around him, but on a night like tonight where she needed to forget, he was the best person for the job. She wasn’t thinking about the longing in her heart, she was erasing it and all of those similar memories for the night. “Why does this always feel so good?” Teagan spoke rhetorically even though she hated how much she liked the feeling of euphoria. Teagan hated that she enjoyed the release of all the tension. She knew why people were so easily addicted to the stuff, anyone who tried it could understand.
“One more, babe.” Rick urged as he held the glass plate up to her. She looked into his dark dilated pupils and nodded without hesitation as she took another hit. Her body relaxed as she sunk in against the couch and let the drugs take their effect. He was pushing her to a limit, one she hadn't crossed, but it had been hours of partying, drinking, taking hits, and yet she was still hanging in. Teagan was a different person tonight, no responsibilities, no worries, just fun. Crazy, wild, let your hair down fun. So much fun that she’d let Rick talk her into continuing the party back at her place. She knew he wanted to get her alone and he knew she was just high enough to agree. Maybe that was his goal all night.
“Now the real party can start.” Rick grinned as he eyed the model blond. Easing his larger arms around her skinny frame, he trailed a series of kisses down her neck. He let out a soft groan as his hands roamed her body, seemingly enjoying the taste of her skin. All the while Teagan’s eyes were closed but she was imagining someone else entirely. If thoughts were wishes he'd appear before, but that just wasn't the case.
“Is it hot in here? It's hot in here.” Teagan stated and asked all the same time as she pulled away from her house guest and moved to turn down the air. “I’m feeling claustrophobic. I need to breathe,” she whined as she reached behind her fighting the zipper on her designer dress, practically ripping it from her body. The blonde made her way towards her closet in search of something less constricting.
Rick had followed her like a puppy over to the closet door, resting against the frame as he watched Teagan undress intently. “ Come on babe, don’t put clothes back on, I prefer you this way.” the devilish grin grew wide as he reached for the small shirt in her hand, giving it a tug as he pulled Teagan with it. Stumbling closer she lost her grip on the material as he managed to pull it away before she could cover up her bare chest giving him a look of mild annoyance.
“C'mon Rick.” she whined not into the touchy feely nature that he was exuding. “Set us up another line ok.” pulling any attention she could off of her and onto something else as she snatched the oversized shirt back and slipped it on hastily as it fell just long enough to cover her Victoria's secrets.
Rick did as he was told, moving to her bed and sitting on the edge as set up another set of lines for them both. Quickly inhaling two for himself he set the glass behind him on the bed so that Teagan would have to go through him to get it. “Gotta earn it, babe.” His hands snaked around her ass, holding the curve of her bubble butt, and pulling her between his legs as he leaned in firmly pressing his lips to hers. It wasn’t a kiss of passion, but one of uncomfortable necessity. Teagan returned the kiss to earn her reward only to feel him pull away a few moments later.
The look on his face was that of instant worry as her blue eyes widened watching him slip down the edge of her bed and fall to the floor as his body shook like a fish on dry land. “Rick?.. Rick.?” She tried to lightly tap is face to get his attention as he seized on the ground. His nose started to bleed as he continued to shake, the intracerebral hemorrhage causing the blood to seep from his nostrils that turned into a pool against her carpet. Teagan's breathing labored as she panicked, the drugs clouding her mind, and all she wanted to do was sober up completely.
“Come on, Rick. You’re gonna be ok, You’re gonna be ok.” She continued to chant as if she was trying to console herself. Teagan was so fixated on the task of cleanup she hadn’t even noticed that he’d stopped moving as she soaked up the blood. Minutes that felt like hours had passed as she realized he wasn’t waking up. With a trembling hand Teagan reached forward and placed her two fingers blood stained fingers against his neck. There was no pulse, just a body, a pool of blood, and a terrified Teagan sitting in it.
“What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?…..” He blue hues were fixated on the scene before her as her heart pounded so loudly against her chest she could almost hear it. She was watching everything she had disappear right before her eyes. Her modeling contract, her sponsors, she was headed for jail she was sure of it. There was no coming back from this. She could already read the press clippings. " Model and beauty guru Teagan Trafficante arrested for murder." A tear trickled down her cheek as just the mere thought. She had to do something, she had to call someone. There was only one.
Shaking hands left bloody finger prints on her phone as she hit his number and pressed send. She sat on her white comforter before the realization that she was covered in Rick's blood set in. She looked at the crimson against the cotton and fear flooded her for the second wave as she heard a sleep deep voice answer the phone. " He.. hey. It's me..." Her eyes were instantly blurry, filled with tears as she tried to shakes them off, nervously trying to wipe the blood off her hand by wiping them against her bare thighs. " I..." her voice cracked as she forced the words out. "I need you. Please." Her voice shook giving clear signs she was in distress.
Teagan could hear the shuffling on the other end of the line mentally blocking out the sound of a woman’s voice in the distance from the other end. " Shhh no no, go back to sleep. I'll be back.." She could hear him say but that wasn't her concern. She was in a desperate need for help and he was the only person she could call. Teagan chewed her lip until she heard his voice louder and clearer, obviously having left whomever he was previously talking to for a place where he could talk. "What's going on?"
For a moment she thought about not involving him and telling him never mind and just calling her father. He'd be disappointed definitely, he'd probably look right through her like she wasn't the perfect daughter he'd raised. It was that thought alone that had her repeating her previous words. All she had was her father and she couldn't imagine ever having him look at her as anything but this sweet angel he'd raised on his own. A tear trickled down her cheek as she wiped it away leaving a smear of blood on cheek. " I need you. Can you come over?" Sniffling back her tears at her broken request.
"I'll be there." The voice on the other end stated simply leaving Teagan nodding even though he couldn't see her reaction. [End of Flashback]
She found herself sitting on the edge of the bed as she fell out of the replay. Her blue hues fixated on a small piece of plastic peeking out from under the blanket dangling off the bed. Reaching down she clasped it in her hand, a small bag of white powder, and stared at it intently not even realizing her cheeks were soaked through with tears as they puddled against her skin.
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