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Let Go
I was balancing myself on a wall;
I tripped and fell but broke my fall
Knew I'd been right here before 
It's a bizarre thing to go from feeling everything all the time to nothing at all. People might think it a blessing to avoid all suffering. To leave every painful experience behind... But being numb is a darkness of its own. It festers and rots you from within. And you become apathetic to your own demise. Incapable of grasping the true catastrophe of the self destruction. The world shined bright. But then it's as though a pair of sunglasses slipped over your eyes. Things grew dull. Lifeless. Not that those words had any real meaning while stuck in such a state. I was brought into the world through bloodshed. It was prophesied that I'd bring destruction. I was an omen to many. A mystery to some. And a miracle only to my family. I tried my best to live up to their expectations. To make them proud. To make their every sacrifice worth it. I spent most of my life scrambling to find an identity. To prove myself. But...maybe I went about it all wrong. Was I damned? Was I a monster? Was I a beacon of hope? Would I become my father's worst? Or my mother's best? Maybe...my perspective had never been the best. I always thought there's someone I should be
But now I know these parts of me
I'll throw it out into the breeze  With humanity no longer on the table all the weight of those questions dissipated. For the first time in my life I felt weightless. Realistically, I was as hollow as a balloon. At the mercy of the winds, I drifted without aim or control. Then, suddenly, like a whirlwind and a storm, everything hit all at once. Without warning. Without mercy. The tones of grey faded and the color flourished and bloomed back to light. The numbing rot receded. The world which we sometimes remove ourselves from never leaves. It waits patiently until we return to remind us of its beauty and wonder. Finally, I feel like myself again
I was told something by a friend
All good things come to an end
When it gets bad we start again  When you find yourself back from the depths of that relentless numbness, you find yourself more vulnerable than before. The pain resurfaces in waves and every gasping breath is a struggle to survive the torrent. Your heart is gnawed and ripped apart. The air becomes like needles in your lungs. All the mistakes. All the hurt. Every horrible deed. It all comes back. And...then you remember the ones you cared about most. How you subjected them to the worst parts. How unfairly you treated them. How all of it stemmed from one moment of weakness. I feel like myself again, but rather than being relieved, I'm humiliated. Despite what others might say, the hardest part wasn't turning it on... The hardest part is yet to come. I have never been good at goodbyes
So I let go
I can let go  They say that forgiveness isn't for those who wrong you, but rather for your own peace of mind and healing. But what of the wrong doers?
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