Dear Diary

I have not written to you in so long, My life is crazy and heartbreaking I am not sure where to even start with life at the moment. As a lot has happened. I had a beautiful daughter named Aurora with my long-time boyfriend Jude. I have been in love with that boy since I was 3 years old. I know what most people say is that you can't know that you are in love at that age.  But I knew at a very young age that he was going to be my everything. Well, when our daughter was born Jude and I broke up we had been together since we were super young and it just stopped working. We promised that no matter what we would always be there for our daughter and give her the best life in the world even if we were not together.

But I guess I should also tell you that our families were not happy that we were not together and that in their eyes we are making dumb choices. But I have faith that one day we will be together again and that everything will be ok. although right now it's heartbreaking cause at the moment that our daughter turned 6 months old she was with her father when I got the phone call that would change my life forever. I got the call saying that Auorra was sick and that Jude was on his way to the hospital with her. I had a normal night I hung out with my cousin Sawyer she and I drove there. I thought o she just is sick and had a fever and a cold. But that was not the case at all.

We found out that our daughter had cancer when we found out I broke down and I couldn't breathe at that moment. I remember it like it was yesterday how do breathe when you have been told that your child has cancer? I couldn't tell you, we spent months getting ready to have her and picking just the right name. We painted her room and put her on the wall her name. We decorated her room in Disney Princess, but yet in one night, all my fears were there. She might not make it and my baby could be taken from me. I spent so many nights laying in bed wondering and praying for her. I was so excited scared but excited to see those 2 pink lines. I knew just that my life would change forever. I never in a million years thought that I would have ever gotten the news that my little girl could be taken from me.

How do you deal with it how do you know when your world is crashing down on you? The one person I thought that I could have turned to was pushing me away. But at the same time, we both were pushing each other way even more. The one thing that should have brought us closer and shown us that life was too special was tearing us apart and we both were broken. How do you fix yourself and your relationship with the one thing that gave you hope for not only your life but others? My daughter is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires on her.

 I sit by her bedside every day and night, and Jude and I will take turns doing it.  My world is crashing down but yet all I can think of is how is my daughter and if is she gonna be ok. Am I gonna get that phone call when I am at home sleeping that she has coded or that I need to rush to the hospital cause she is getting sicker? I hate even going home and taking care of myself. I think of everything I can do to make it so she gets better. So we can see that doctor and they can tell us that she is all better and that she is cured of her cancer.

That day Jude and I will hug each other and suddenly our world would make sense. But I have this gut-wrenching feeling that it won't happen, that we won't be ok. I wanna feel as if everything is ok and that she will be ok. I feel as if it's all crumbling down as I sit in my daughter's hospital room, her father the love of my life just left about an hour ago to go home and go to sleep. I hate that we take turns sitting by our daughter's bedside, she is not getting better and her levels have gotten worse.  She has her good days and her bad days, we have seen our good days, and she has seemed to have more good days than bad. Her levels were not the best today but they gave her meds to hopefully make it better so that she can get the chemo.

That breaks me to even write that cause who wants to be the one that says my daughter has cancer? Our families have been supportive of all of this, I would truly be lost without them all. They make sure that we are taking care of ourselves but also make sure that we are taking care of her. I hate even leaving her side as I see other parents here I know they are going through the same thing as I am. The fear that one day your child might not be here, or that you get told to take them home and enjoy the last little bit that you have them. Like how do you deal with the fact that someone you trusted to help fix your child says them words? One of the women I have gotten to know quite well in our many nights of sitting by our children's bedside. She got the news that the treatments were no longer working and that she had to choose to try a trial drug for her daughter or allow her daughter to die at home. That is what scares me the most, that it could be me next to get that news.

As of the test this morning it's working on AUrora but what if that is me one day when I hear that news? Aurora is 9 months old and for the last 3 months of her life, she has been in and out of the hospital and hooked up to wires. She has gotten poked and needles put into her. How do you deal with that as a mother, I mean I know even Jude hates when she has to get her port moved or when a needle has to take blood from her. It breaks me every time I am holding her and I have to hear her cry or I have to hold her down so that they can do some sort of scan on her. My parents and my aunt are there for us when we need help but I wanna push them all away.  I wanna just crawl into a deep hole and pretend that my daughter is not sick. I want the joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant. The joy that I had when we found out that we were having a little girl. The joy that we had when we told our family that it was going to be a little girl.

 The joy that we had when I texted Jude and told him that I was in labor. The joy that we had when the doctors placed that little girl on my chest. Why does that joy have to be taken from me? What did I do to make the world do this not only to me but to my beautiful baby girl?  How do I fix my daughter how do I fix Jude and me? I fear that if something happens to Aurora that I will not only have to lose my daughter forever that I will lose him as well. I feel as if I am already losing him We don't talk much other than to give each other the news on what is going on with our daughter when the other went home. I have seen so many things in these past few months here, I have seen marriages fall apart and relationships fall apart. We are the youngest couple or parents here our daughter is the second youngest here.

The youngest is a little boy who is 2,5 months old with the same cancer Aurora has. I have seen couples rally together and make life the best thing. Then you have me and Jude who is the youngest and should have to be together and fight our daughter's cancer right along with her. But it feels as if we are barely holding on in life, I wanna lay down and take all my daughter's pain I wanna make sure that she is ok and will live a beautiful healthy life. She is not even a year old and yet is in so much pain. I don't understand at all why or what this is happening or doing.  Like ok universe you have seen the pain that I have and you see how broken we are but yet you keep throwing curve balls at us. We were happy well as happy as we could be at 18 with a baby. We were living our life.

Sure we are young and probably shouldn't have had Aurora so early in our lives. We should have waited to have her until we were married but in a lot of ways we have been married since we were young. We have been married since we were 6 years old and had a wedding in our backyard with his brother and sawyer in our backyard with our stuffed animals. How do you fix all this, I wish I really knew how to fix us. My older sister said that she would beat me if I ever let him go. I don't wanna let him go cause you to see I love him more than my own life. I love him and our daughter they mean the world to me and I wouldn't change our life for the world the only thing I change is having our little girl happy and healthy. It breaks me so much that I don't or can't fix us, I wanna fix us. How did I fix us,

How do I fix Jude and how do I make our world was not crushing down? Why is it that something that was supposed to bring us closer together is only making it worse and making us push each other away and hate each other? How do I fix this, How do I make my daughter not hurt in pain every time the doctors come in and get blood or her vitals? I need to find out now cause I am tired of hearing her cry cause it hurts. How do you tell your friends and family that you are so broken that you don't know how to even fix yourself? How do you tell them that you are ok with a smile on your face and tell everyone that you have faith that your daughter will be well?

When you don't even have faith yourself that everything is going to be okay with you and your best friend. You don't have faith that your life will ever be the same and that your life will be fixed. Well, I am gonna go as it's rounds time and they are gonna take blood from Aurora. Once they do that I will pick her up and wrap her up in her favorite blanket and hold her. As I sit and cry cause I can't fix my baby, I can't fix her and make her better. As I hold her and tell her how sorry I am that I failed her and that I can't save her from all the pain she is going through. As I pray that she will be ok and that we will get the news that she is in remission and we can take her home. That her daddy and I will fix everything and that we will show her what a happy loving home is like the one I grew up in.