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Father's Day (first person drabble)
Body: | Father’s day was always a sore subject for me; As I was growing up as a child and I saw my friends playing catch with their dads, or at school how they would make gifts and cards for their dads, the older I got, I realized something was missing in my life, the harder it got. I’d never told my mom though because she was such a giving and loving mother, she played the dad role too… but when you reach a certain age you realize it isn’t the same.
While I grew up with a wonderful grandfather, we didn’t see him as much as I’d liked to. Mom was always so busy working and trying to give me the life that she thought I deserved. As I got older I was far more independent than I’d care to really think about these days, because when I do? I start to feel things I don’t want to. Sadness, anger, frustration, I begin to harbor a bit of resentment toward mom. She really doesn’t deserve that, when she definitely has made me feel more loved than some people ever get to feel in their entire lifetime.
I can’t help but feel a barrage of emotion as I stand here in the doorway between the kitchen and living room, watching my daughter Maisie play with her Legos. She has come to love building and fixing things, because “her JackJack does it.” As I think about how this little girl in front of me has never really known what a dad is, until now, I cannot help but feel the flooding thoughts of my own childhood.
I’ve realized something though; somehow me lacking a father growing up has given me the ability to be a good one, or at least the best that I can be. I always told myself that if I was ever going to be a dad that I had to be stable first. I wouldn’t bring a child into the world without being emotionally and financially stable.
Now as I ponder the reality that I will be turning thirty in a few months, and the fact that I built everything in life from the bottom up to get to where I am, I contemplate that at the beginning of the year I was standing here in this very same spot staring out the windows of my dream home. I had realized that I had finally fulfilled something I’d been striving for since I was sixteen; living in a home that was on a lake, where I can wake up and glance out my windows and see the fog rolling above the water on chilly mornings, or watch the sun setting behind the horizon. These are things I’d dreamed of having; however, as I began to accomplish everything I’d ever wanted to build for myself, I knew that I did not want to enjoy it alone. I wanted to share this life with someone else who enjoyed the simplicity in the beauty of the earth, the way I saw it. But, then the more I thought about that, I saw myself growing old with the love of my life and watching our grandkids playing as our kids chased them around, while I sat on the porch with the one I built this amazing life with. Then I wondered, what would I be like as a father?
Look where I am now? I am literally in awe of the life that I have. I’m unsure of how I got as lucky as I have. To be watching my pregnant fiancée in the kitchen, bouncing around on her tip toes and singing while she cooks food. I love that she puts her soul into the dishes she creates. It makes my heart happy to see her happy. To have heard some of her darkest moments and hold her hand through one another’s insecurities and triggers, and be able to see her in these moments – just being happy and bubbly. Then to turn my head and look in the next room to see our daughter, my heart is full.
I am so thankful to Gabriella for making me a father by allowing me to love her and her daughter. I also can stand here and appreciate that while I did not have a dad growing up; I have chosen to be a dad. I am choosing to step up because I love this little girl and I do not ever want her to feel the hollow, empty feeling that I have had for so many years. I hope that as Maisie grows up, she will know that while I am not her flesh and blood, I wanted to be here. Not because I have to, but because I want to.
Being a father has filled a hole in my heart that I never imagined could be. | |
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