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free fallin' | journal entry.
free fallin'may 8th, 2022
note: this will stick to canon instead of my au storyline.. www.roleplayer.me/goodessofrockxAs the tears threatened to escape my eyes last night and I choked back the tears while finishing the song, I heard you in the back of my head. "Steph, darlin', why are you crying?" and I imagined that little chuckle you'd let out while you'd wipe the few tears that escaped my eyes before placing a soft kiss on my forehead. And, for the first time since you've been gone, I could close my eyes and hear your voice in the back of my head, I could feel your arms around my waist and I almost forgot you were dead.
I sang the song before, I sang it on the last Fleetwood Mac tour and I was fine, I really have no idea why it hit me so badly until I realized the difference between all of the other performances and last night. I didn't even realize it until I put the sunglasses on after finishing my joint. [you know, the tradition we started back when you were on tour with Bob Dylan in Australia?] and Ben looked at me. "Stevie, aren't those Tom's?" and I realized they were your aviators. But, more importantly, they were your aviators from London and it was as if I felt your body against mine, I felt your hands on my face like you always did before you kissed my forehead. I felt every part of you in every single way I've craved since you been gone.
My heart raced, I found myself taking my fingertips and tracing the legs of the sunglasses as my eyes closed and I played the entire day in my head. The flowers, the beautiful flowers that I still have a single rose from, it's sitting in a book you gave me back in '86 with your obituary from your funeral with it. The way you sang Room at the Top and we locked eyes and I just knew it was going to be the last time I saw you alive. The way us botching Stop Draggin' My Heart because we both were entirely too stoned and all we did was laugh. The way you told me you and Dana were probably getting divorced after the tour and we made passionate love that night and you left the sunglasses on the table when you left my hotel room the next morning.
I couldn't process the emotions because the band was tuning up and I had to go on stage and do what you loved watching me do. With every breeze, the random bubbles people started blowing that a few hit my face, the way I forgot about a pandemic and what the last three years of my life has been -- and the way I forgot you were gone. It wasn't until I heard the start of Free Fallin' that it hit me like a ton of bricks that you weren't here, and I just couldn't help myself. For most people, it was just a friend grieving another friend that the public knew how close they were -- except they had no clue. I was grieving a friend, yes, but I was also grieving a mentor, a musical genius, my absolute best friend -- and the love of my life. So, in their eyes, I was just grieving someone, but in mine? I was grieving one of the biggest parts of my life - and it still hasn't been the f***ing same since you left me here.
That line in Free Fallin' always gets me, the one where you talk about fallin' out of nothing and leaving the world for a while has gotten me since I first heard it. Years ago I told you that line was going to haunt me and it has -- in the worst possible way. I love you, I miss you, and the world still isn't the same without you. I felt you on stage with me last night, but I wish I could've felt you holding me afterward.
By the way, Waddy's vocals to Stop Draggin' My Heart could never compare to yours.
Steph.
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