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Story
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON Hilarious teacher DI HEATHER HUMBLE is arguing with stable lawyer MS ALISON PLUMB. HEATHER tries to hug ALISON but she shakes her off. HEATHER
Please Alison, don't leave me. ALISON
I'm sorry Heather, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away. HEATHER
I am such a person! ALISON frowns. ALISON
I'm sorry, Heather. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. ALISON leaves. HEATHER sits down, looking defeated. Moments later, remarkable teacher SIR TRISTAN JOLIE barges in looking flustered. HEATHER
Goodness, Tristan! Is everything okay? TRISTAN
I'm afraid not. HEATHER
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... TRISTAN
It's ... a thug ... I saw an evil thug destroy a bunch of baby birds! HEATHER
Defenseless baby birds? TRISTAN
Yes, defenseless baby birds! HEATHER
Bloomin' heck, Tristan! We've got to do something. TRISTAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. HEATHER
You can start by telling me where this happened. TRISTAN
I was... TRISTAN fans himself and begins to wheeze. HEATHER
Focus Tristan, focus! Where did it happen? TRISTAN
Tower Bridge, London! That's right - Tower Bridge, London! HEATHER springs up and begins to run. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS HEATHER rushes along the street, followed by TRISTAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way. EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER WILLIAM BLACKSMITH a peculiar thug terrorises two baby birds. HEATHER, closely followed by TRISTAN, rushes towards WILLIAM, but suddenly stops in her tracks. TRISTAN
What is is? What's the matter? HEATHER
That's not just any old thug, that's William Blacksmith! TRISTAN
Who's William Blacksmith? HEATHER
Who's William Blacksmith? Who's William Blacksmith? Only the most peculiar thug in the universe! TRISTAN
Blinkin' knickers, Heather! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar thug in the universe! HEATHER
You can say that again. TRISTAN
Blinkin' knickers, Heather! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar thug in the universe! HEATHER
I'm going to need nets, lots of nets. William turns and sees Heather and Tristan. He grins an evil grin. WILLIAM
Heather Humble, we meet again. TRISTAN
You've met? HEATHER
Yes. It was a long, long time ago... EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME A young HEATHER is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her. She looks up and sees WILLIAM. She takes off her headphones. WILLIAM
Would you like some peppermints? HEATHER's eyes light up, but then he studies WILLIAM more closely, and looks uneasy. HEATHER
I don't know, you look kind of peculiar. WILLIAM
Me? No. I'm not peculiar. I'm the least peculiar thug in the world. HEATHER
Wait, you're a thug? HEATHER runs away, screaming. EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - PRESENT DAY WILLIAM
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. TRISTAN
(To HEATHER) You ran away? HEATHER
(To TRISTAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? HEATHER turns to WILLIAM. HEATHER
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! HEATHER runs away. She turns back and shouts. HEATHER
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with nets. WILLIAM
I'm not scared of you. HEATHER
You should be. EXT. MIAMI BEACH - LATER THAT DAY HEATHER and TRISTAN walk around searching for something. HEATHER
I feel sure I left my nets somewhere around here. TRISTAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly nets. HEATHER
You know nothing Tristan Jolie. TRISTAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, WILLIAM appears, holding a pair of nets. WILLIAM
Looking for something? TRISTAN
Crikey, Heather, he's got your nets. HEATHER
Tell me something I don't already know! TRISTAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. HEATHER
I know that already! TRISTAN
I'm afraid of dust. WILLIAM
(appalled) Dude! While WILLIAM is looking at TRISTAN with disgust, HEATHER lunges forward and grabs her deadly nets. He wields them, triumphantly. HEATHER
Prepare to die, you peculiar cauliflower! WILLIAM
No please! All I did was destroy a bunch of baby birds! ALISON enters, unseen by any of the others. HEATHER
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Heather Humble defender of innocent baby birds. WILLIAM
Don't hurt me! Please! HEATHER
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these nets on you right away! WILLIAM
Because Heather, I am your father. HEATHER looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself. HEATHER
No you're not! WILLIAM
Ah well, it had to be worth a try. WILLIAM tries to grab the nets but HEATHER dodges out of the way. HEATHER
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, WILLIAM slumps to the ground. TRISTAN
Did he just faint? HEATHER
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly nets. HEATHER crouches over WILLIAM's body. TRISTAN
Be careful, Heather. It could be a trick. HEATHER
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... William Blacksmith is dead! HEATHER
What? HEATHER
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death. TRISTAN claps his hands. TRISTAN
So your nets did save the day, after all. ALISON steps forward. ALISON
Is it true? Did you kill the peculiar thug? HEATHER
Alison how long have you been...? ALISON puts her arm around HEATHER. ALISON
Long enough. HEATHER
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed William Blacksmith. ALISON
Then the baby birds are safe? HEATHER
It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived. ALISON
You are their hero. The baby birds bow to HEATHER. HEATHER
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that William Blacksmith will never destroy baby birds ever again, is enough for me. ALISON
You are humble as well as brave! One of the baby birds passes HEATHER a gold bell ALISON
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. HEATHER
I couldn't possibly. Pause. HEATHER
Well, if you insist. HEATHER takes the bell. HEATHER
Thank you. The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave. HEATHER turns to ALISON. HEATHER
Does this mean you want me back? ALISON
Oh, Heather, of course I want you back! HEATHER smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. HEATHER
Well you can't have me. ALISON
WHAT? HEATHER
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a thug to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. ALISON
But... HEATHER
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Tristan. TRISTAN grins. ALISON
But... TRISTAN
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! ALISON
Heather? HEATHER
I'm sorry Alison, but I think you shouldskidaddle. ALISON leaves. TRISTAN turns to HEATHER. TRISTAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? HEATHER
Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly TRISTAN stops. TRISTAN
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the thug don't you? THE END
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