Everyone asked me if I was sure. Asked me, over and over again, if I was really ready, like I could suddenly take it all back. Like they assumed I had it in me to say “you know what, you’re right, I am too young” and walk away. And maybe some people do have that in them, but never me. I was never more sure of anything in my life. Even through all the ups and downs of Sarah’s pregnancy, even through constant arguments and conflict between our families, our baby was the constant. The one thing that got us through it all. The light at the end of a very long, very obnoxious tunnel of questions, speculation and advice we’d never asked for even a single time.
I got it; I got that it wasn’t a favorable position to an outsider — a one-night stand, and then a sudden engagement after only a month. A nineteen year-old saying he’s a father-to-be when he’s “just a kid himself.” Of course people were gonna question it, but never me. I never questioned any part of it.
I’m not someone who’s ever believed in fate necessarily, but there’s a sensation you get when you know you’re on the right track, I guess — when you know everything’s playing out like it’s supposed to, and all you really need to do is sit back and let it happen. Wait it out and let the good come to you. Sarah and I were clean for the first time since we met, since even before we met. We bought a house near the beach. The band was taking off in every way I’d imagined while daydreaming in my car in the middle of the night.
Savannah was the final piece. She was coming even if I wasn’t sure — even if I wasn’t really ready, but I knew I was.
When they first let us hold her, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard, especially not the good tears. It was the most united we ever were, Sarah and I leaned into each other, joining arms to cradle her together, comparing features; my nose, Sarah’s eyes, but I think more noteworthy were the ways she wasn’t like us — innocent, perfect, clean. Whole. Untouched by the roughness we’d both already clawed our way through, and I’d have done anything to keep it that way. I’d have done anything to shield her from it.
“She’s really something…” Sarah whispered with her head on my shoulder. I still couldn’t bring myself to speak; I still hadn’t taken my eyes off her. It was probably the exhaustion, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of paranoia about looking away for a single second.
Savannah Elise Caverly was the final piece, here whether I was sure or not, but right then, I’d never been more sure of anything.