AC #13: Recommit
Letting go of Doubt is much easier said than done, especially for me. After a few days of self-reflection, I don’t think I ever fully committed to every aspect of The Organization. I’ve relied too heavily on therapy and medication to help, and while they’ve all greatly helped my mental illness and my ability to continue to run my business, I need to recommit myself to going to these workshops weekly. Ryan goes. I should go with her or right after. Going together would make situations easier to deal with, right?
With Thatcher disappearing and reappearing, only seemingly to wreak havoc, and murder the innocent, I’ve been more terrified than ever. I haven’t been able to keep my emotions in check. It seems like my medication only works for a certain period of time before wearing off, almost as if the dosage isn’t correct anymore, and there’s only so much Lithium I’m allowed to take per day, per however many hours.
I used to be so confident in the work I did to help Thatcher, and more importantly, to help the women who came into The Organization. Some were worth saving and some weren’t but I tried, regardless. I never doubted my abilities to help them. I made all of the right choices within my limits. I tried to make the right calls and help who I could. But, whenever Thatcher disappeared, along with the shipments of women coming and going from House of Balloons, I doubted my ability to hold everything together. I doubted my place within these walls. I doubted if I truly mattered, if I really was vital to this place, and I can’t believe I did so.
Sitting through these last few workshops this week, I’ve realized that I’m a part of a family and a much bigger plan. I need to go and visit Sophia, and speak to Phoebe more often, about my thoughts and feelings. Both women have a way with calming me down and setting my head straight, offering state of the art protection and advice. Ryan’s continuously telling me that I should speak to either women and that they can even help more than she could, and I’ve realized that during all of these workshops. I place a lot of blame on myself, I doubt myself, I doubt others, but I need to get a handle on that. With that realization, I plan on recommitting myself to the Program, and truly using the resources offered to the fullest.