May 17th, 2021
For the second time this month, Lindsey’s Charger tires met the gravel as she’d drive towards the familiar section of the graveyard. Lindsey’s voice was booming through the speakers.
Big, big love. I wake up alone with it all, I wake up but only to fall. Looking out for love Hearing the song usually made Stevie’s heart stop for a few moments, but today it was soul-shattering and her mind couldn’t stop replaying that November night. Pulling the Charger underneath the tree where she parked it before, Stevie would park and turn it off before letting out a deep breath and getting out of the car. Feeling the wind pick up and knock the breath out of her briefly was an odd feeling of relief as she shut the door behind her and started walking towards the tombstone. Raising an eyebrow as she got closer, Stevie removed her glasses as she saw flowers on her parent's and Sara’s sites as well as a piece of paper taped to Sara’s tombstone.
I was going to come with you, but I think you needed to do this alone so I came last night. I hope the flowers are okay, I always imagined Sara being so much like you she’d love red and black roses just like her Mama. I’ll be home waiting for you with all the snuggles in the world. I love you, Stephanie.
Lindsey
Choking back her tears as she took the paper and folded it up before sticking it in her back pocket, Stevie would carefully sit down on the ground as her back gently rested on the tombstone. ”I know it’s been a few years since I’ve been here on your birthday, and I’m really sorry for that, baby. I debated even coming today honestly because for some reason this year seems so impossible to get through. I thought your dad and I being back together would help, yeah that’s a thing, your Daddy and I got back together and got married, but I’m sure you already know that. If you ask me I feel like you had something to do with it, the way everything just fell together in a place like it always was supposed to be.
Stevie rested the back of her head on the cold stone, her eyes looking up at the clouds in the sky as she felt her heart shatter like it did that November night. Stevie had years of stuff to discuss, and now that she’s here her mind just blanked, her soul aching through her chest as she just wants to take her bare hands and rip up the grass, dig up the soil and climb into her little casket more so now than she even did back then. She’s frequently commented to Lindsey that it was hard to even breathe lately, but now it’s like someone is pressing down on her chest to try to stop her lungs from moving.
”Your Aunt Christine flew in from Kent, she got here last night, and she’s planning to move to LA so we’ll be a lot closer together. I feel like you had a hand in that, too, my precious Sara, because if anyone knew how close she and I were it’s you. Did she use to talk to you every night, remember? I’d play you some of your Daddy’s music and then Christine would talk to you about what she was going to teach you. How you were going to be the perfect mix of us and your Daddy, how you could’ve used Mick as your jungle gym as all the Mac kids do, she spoke about how you’d know how to play the guitar, the piano, and a tambourine - you’d be your own band”
Stevie shivered as she felt a familiar chill go up her spine, the same chill she feels in the same spot on this day every year. Slowly closing her eyes, she’d open them to look back up at the sky, tears freely rolling down her cheeks as she just let it happen. At the moment she didn’t care if fans saw her or if TMZ was hiding in a bush snapping pictures or whatever. For a few moments she didn’t need to be Stevie Nicks, she needed to let herself be a grieving mother on what would’ve been her baby’s birthday.
”I often wonder how close you’d be with your siblings if you’d be as close to them as they are with each other. The way Will spent so much of his life protecting Stella and Lee, him calling me when things were bad between your father and Kristen so I could go get them knowing damn well he wanted nothing to do with me. I feel like, even though you would’ve been a few months older, he would’ve been the same way with you because he felt he had to be. The kid grew up really fast and he’s turned into this country star. He made his own legacy already and God, you know how proud I am of him. Lee has her own karaoke bar, Stella’s a freaking model. Will has this wonderful girl who I’ve just claimed as my third daughter because she takes care of him so much and the girls love her. I know you would’ve too, and throughout the years I’ve wondered how much of what has happened you had a hand in. I know, even though you’re not here and it should be me taking care of you, you’ve always taken care of me. I just hope you always know how much I’ve loved you, baby.” Stevie’s bottom lip quivered, her taking her hands and wiping her eyes before clearing her throat. ”And I hope you know how sorry I am. Sorry that I didn’t stop touring sooner, even when my doctor and Christine said I should. I’m sorry for not telling your father and he had to find out from that bitch ex-wife of his. I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you enough for us to be getting ready to go to dinner like I do with your siblings every year on their birthday and instead I’m here talking to you. I feel you all the time, but Lord don’t I wish I knew what a hug from you felt like.”
Stevie felt the air escape her lungs at her last comment, the blonde bringing her knees up so her outer forearms could rest on them. She didn’t want to leave, she just wanted to stay here until praying and begging enough eventually brought her back. Letting out a heavy sigh, Stevie would slowly get up off the ground and dust herself off before looking down at the tombstone. Running her fingers across the engraving of her name, Stevie brought her hand up and softly kissed it before placing it back down on the tombstone.
”I know when you got up there Robin was there waiting, welcoming you with open arms and probably told you a million stories. Stories about your father and I, or things I did that you wouldn’t believe. So, as Robin did you, I hope you welcomed your little niece or nephew with open arms and you can tell the same stories Robin has. You can tell things you’ve seen over the years because I know you’ve seen so much. Take care of them for me, alright? I’ll take care of their parents down here. I love you, my dear Sara. I don’t exactly want to die, but I can’t wait to give you a hug like I’ve wanted to since the moment the five tests said positively. I love you, babygirl. Always. Happy birthday, my sweet angel”
Turning around to walk towards the car, Stevie would wipe her eyes once more before taking her sunglasses off her head and placing them on her face. She still couldn’t figure out why this year was so painful compared to years past, especially since everyone she’s ever desired to be here this time around. When she got back in the car, she saw a missed call and a text, her reading it bringing a bittersweet smile to her face.
”Mama, where are you? I’m here with your Cold Brew and Christine said you left. I know today’s hard, that’s why I came to check on you”
Hitting reply to Krissy’s text, Stevie would start the Charger before quickly typing. ”Hey, I needed to do something but I’m on my way home. Meet me there? And a Cold Brew? It’s like you know me.” Tossing her phone on the passenger’s seat, Stevie restarted “Big Love” on the radio before pulling out from under the oak tree and started the drive home. Even though the rest of her world was at her house, or around the area, she needed to go see that locked part of her heart that she doesn’t fully get to process often.
