Déjà vu - Part Three.
trigger warning - child loss : reply to Mαcнιиε Hεαят
The silence in the room between Stevie and Christine was eerie, the two were usually so talkative but the silence meant they both had the same gut feeling and the silence remained until the door opened. Stevie's brown orbs didn't leave the dried blood that was caked on her hand, she didn't look at the doctor, she didn't look at Christine because if Stevie removed her eyes from her hand everyone would truly see how broken she was, how utterly destroyed she was, how she just wanted to go and jump off a bridge and be done. "Just say it. Don't sugarcoat what I already know, doctor, just say it so whatever ounce of hope I have left is gone." Stevie knew she knew the moment the cramps got so bad she was almost in tears what was going on, and yet she finished the f***ing show. Fleetwood Mac has blessed her so many times in her life, but it's ruined so much at the same time, and honestly? She was wondering if it was even worth it anymore, she was wondering if anyone else would give up everything she did for the f***ing band. Even when she remarked publicly she was done being the frontwoman as they were recording Tango in the Night she came back and did some songs for the album. She put her relationship with Lindsey on the back burner, she paused wanting anything personally, ended tours early to come record albums - lost the first thing that made her feel fully alive in twenty years, and for what? Besides Christine, and maybe Lindsey, did anyone else give a sh*t?
"There's no easy way to say this because there never is, but after we didn't hear the heartbeat we ran multiple tests..." The doctor pausing finally made Stevie look over at them as her eyes spoke a million paragraphs of regret, self-hatred, heartbreak, and sorrow. "I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am." Stevie coldly chuckled, not knowing what else to do or say because nothing she would do or say would bring her daughter back. Nothing she could do or say would rewind time to where she found out she was having a baby girl and the doctor told her to stop touring and she'd listen. Nothing would change the time where she had told Lindsey and he was sitting there instead of Christine because she couldn't bring herself to show how heartbroken she was in front of Christine. Stevie was always the strong one, always the one to put everyone back together, but who in the f*** is going to put her back together after this?
"Now what?" her voice was soft, barely above a whisper as she fought with the lump that felt stuck in the middle of her throat. The more the doctor talked about them having to wait and see if everything took care of itself naturally, talking about her baby like it was nothing Stevie felt a rage she's never felt before. A rage that she wanted to wrap her hands around the doctor's throat and just choke until they just stopped f***ing talking. "It is looking like the worst is already behind you.." "The worst is behind me?" Stevie felt Christine grab her hand as she jerked it away. "The worst is behind me? I have to live the rest of my life without my daughter and the worst is behind me. Get the f*** out" Stevie snarled, leaning up into a full sitting position the best she could. "I said get the f*** out!" she commanded again, this time her voice raising so loud it echoed in the exam room. "Do you want me to call Lindsey?" Stevie jerked her eyes over at Christine before shaking her head in disgust. "You can get the f*** out, too. alright? Just go, leave me alone" Watching Christine get up and walk out of the room, Stevie would fall back as she'd look at the ceiling, her blood-stained hand resting on her stomach before her red fingernails dragged across it. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry I let you down, I'm sorry I let the selfishness of my career get in the worst way possible. I'm sorry I'll never be able to hold you, introduce you to your grandparents, have your Daddy be able to show you how much he loves you because God, Sara, he'd worship the ground you'd walk on. Your Aunt Robin is up there though, and oh she's going to be so happy to see you, baby girl, and please know I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life and I will until I die. I'm so sorry, baby, I hope by the time we see each other again you forgive me.
Jerking up from where she was leaning on Lindsey, Stevie placed her hand on her chest before rubbing it a few times while looking around the waiting room. Seeing Lindsey beside her sound asleep, Stevie would lean back so the back of her head could rest on the wall behind them. She's had the dream a million times within the last 22 years, but it never made it to where she was talking to Sara once she got left alone. Taking her hands and rubbing them over her face, Stevie would lean up a bit to make sure Lindsey was sound asleep before she'd lean back in her seat. "I know it's been a bit, I've been trying to be on autopilot until your birthday. I miss you, everyday I think about the woman you'd be now, how you'd get along with your three siblings. I think about how much of your father or myself you'd be, who you'd be more like. I think about if you'd be like Will and follow in our footsteps, like Stella and do her own thing, or like Lee and not even really be in the spotlight. Most of all, I think about how your hugs would feel, how your voice would sound, would you love Hawaiian pizza like your dad and I do or would you think we were wrong. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it hurts to breathe and it's one of the hurts to breathe moments and I hate it. I hope, much like Robin welcomed you with open arms, you welcomed your niece or nephew with the same open arms. I love you and I miss you"
Hearing the door open to Krissy's room made Stevie rush to wipe the tears out of her eyes so she could try to be a strong mother for her babies because they need her now more than ever. Hearing Krissy's voice made Stevie slowly sit up. "I'm right here, baby..." Stevie whispered as she got up so their talking wouldn't wake up Lindsey. "You should be resting, what are you doing?"
"Mama, I keep dreaming of them when I sleep..." Krissy's words ran right through Stevie, looking at her future daughter-in-law and listening to her talk was like talking to herself 22 years ago. "I know. And the more you do the more real it feels and the less you want to wake up" Stevie spoke softly, taking her arms and wrapping them around the younger woman in an embrace. Rubbing her back in a comforting way, the blonde would let out a heavy sigh. "You know, I wish I knew what to say or tell you what to do so the pain would stop. I worked almost three years straight between tours and albums and it didn't help. I wish I could take the pain from you so you didn't have to deal with this" Stevie turned her head before placing a soft kiss on Krissy's cheek. "I wish I could trade your baby spots so you'd still be pregnant" she truthfully remarked as she pulled away. "I will say this, you're such a strong woman and you have such a support system and I know you're going to get through this. Right now it seems like you won't, and right now you just want the pain to stop - that will never go away. But, you'll get out of bed everyday and live life because you know that's what your baby would want" Stevie felt her eyes start to water as she walked over to a set of chairs before sitting down and motioning Krissy to walk over to sit beside her
"At least sit down" she all but begged as Krissy eventually walked over slowly and sat down beside Stevie. "This isn't your fault, and I will remind you of that anytime your head thinks it is, anytime you don't believe Will saying it, because it's easier to believe someone who's been through it. This wasn't your fault, baby. I promise you" Stevie wrapped her arm around Krissy before briefly letting her eyes fall on Lindsey as he slept. "At least you have Will to lean on, too, and I'm so grateful you do. Talk to me though, what's going through your mind? How are you feeling? If it's easier forget I'm your boyfriend's mother for a second, alright? From one grieving mother to another, talk to me" Stevie whispered while her eyes eventually shifted from Lindsey to look at Krissy. Remembering everything she wanted someone to do the night she lost Sara she was trying to do for Krissy. She needed to be the support system for Krissy that Stevie, besides Christine who didn't understand the feelings this brought on, never had.