Déjà Vu - Part Two
trigger warning; child loss
reply to Mαcнιиε Hεαят
As Stevie told her story, told Krissy about Sara to try to ease the woman's heartache and realize that she had an ally in this, Stevie's mind played through the few months where everything was perfect, where she finally was going to get the family she secretly always wanted with the man she's truly loved. How her plans went to absolute sh*t on his birthday because of Kristen wanting to be a selfish little cunt - even though technically they weren't together anymore. How she found out she was having a girl, how she was elated and Christine helped her adjust all of her outfits so she could hide her bump until the tour was over. How she still can't hear Lindsey singing "Big Love" without her mind going back to the night she lost the baby and the reason she hasn't been able to really sing it with him since Mac's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is that she feels her heart literally shatter in her chest everytime she hears it.
Hearing Krissy apologize snapped her back into the present time, the blonde still slowly rocking Krissy in an attempt to ease her pain even in the slightest. "You cry, you morn, you realize you'll never get it over it and then you try to move on. I won't sit here and say that there's not a part of you that you'll never see again, because there is, it's with your baby, but take comfort..." Stevie paused for a few moments, closing her eyes as the last almost twenty-three years of bottling up so many emotions and feelings about Sara were starting to creep its way out of the locked box deep within Stevie's soul. "...take comfort in knowing that I'm sure her auntie welcomed her with open arms" Stevie felt herself gasp for air while taking a few seconds to silence her sobs, bottling things back up and pushing them deep within her soul. She couldn't handle them seeping their way out, not right now, not when she needs to be there for Krissy and Will.
"I asked Christine a thousand times since I lost Sara why. What had I done to finally get her and then have it taken away. I had gotten clean, I was really working on things within my life to be able to settle down and truly have a family, and at the end of the day, no one will ever know why. I told Lindsey once everything happens for a reason and sometimes you'll never know why, and I'm not going to say it's going to lead to something better because you'll wonder what would be better than having your own child. I love Will and the girls, you know I do, you were there when I asked Will and Lee if they wanted me to adopt them, but every f***ing day I wonder" Jerking her bloodshot eyes up when the door open and Will walked in, Stevie caught a brief glimpse of her husband as she just wanted to melt in his arms and sob. Slowly sliding Krissy out of her embrace, Stevie got up and the look on Will's face made her sob for a different reason. "I'm so sorry, baby boy.." Stevie whispered, walking over and hugging Will as he bent down and buried his face in her neck, and sobbed. Knowing her son had to go through this heartache that killed her, all Stevie could do was rub his back in the most comforting way she could. "Go be with Krissy, alright? You guys will get through this, trust me. I'm going to go talk to your father quickly and we'll be right outside if you need anything." Placing a soft kiss on his cheek as he pulled away, Stevie would take her thumbs and wipe the tears falling down his cheeks before walking past him and opening the door to see Lindsey.
And finally, everything she had been bottling up since she realized what was going on just slammed into the forefront.
"Come here..." Stevie walked over into his open arms as she buried her head in his chest while sobs soaked the pec area of his shirt. "Why? Why them? I never wanted them to go through this. I would trade myself if their baby would be alright" Stevie felt Lindsey hug her tighter as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I wish I knew baby, I really do. I feel as if this is a dumb question, but how triggering is this for you?" As he spoke Stevie closed her eyes and suddenly it wasn't him asking how triggering it was, it was him asking if anyone had seen Stevie. It wasn't him trying to comfort her during a breakdown she's been trying to avoid for the last month, it was her alone in a bathroom in a random arena in the midwest with the fresh blood on her right hand. Pulling away from his embrace quickly as she let her chocolate brown orbs scan the area to realize she was in the hospital and not in the arena, Stevie's eyes went back to Lindsey. "I never wanted you to experience this either, I was willing to go through the rest of our lives without you knowing the pain of losing a child. If Kristen never would've said anything I don't think I ever would've told you - at least not for a long time" she truthfully spoke before pushing herself back into his embrace. as the sounds of Krissy's sobs could be heard from the other side of the door, Stevie pushed herself away from Lindsey and quickly shook her head. "I - I need to just go somewhere for a minute. Stay here just in case they need one of us I just - I'll be right back" Before Lindsey could say anything to her Stevie stormed off down the hallway, almost running, as she followed the same path the doctor took her a little bit ago until she almost smacked into the automatic doors.
Walking outside as soon as they opened, the cloudy sky breaking away to let a drizzle started, Stevie let out a cold chuckle before spotting a bench and going to sit down. "What is this? Some f***ing joke, down to it raining now?" Stevie was speaking out loud to herself, or to whatever God was deciding to listen. "Why not me? I lived a hell of a life, my career was better than I ever imagined, I got to fully experience true love and had my babies. Why not just have taken me if someone had to go? Why put my kids through the same heartache when they could've had their healthy baby? Why couldn't their baby stay and you could've taken me so I could see Sara again? Just so I could hold her and tell her how I'm so sorry for not quitting the tour, for not telling her father sooner, for not doing everything I should've so she'd be here with Will and the girls" Stevie ran her hands over her face before sobbing into them almost uncontrollably. Feeling a breeze brush past her back, it sending chills down her spine, the blonde moved her head out of her hands and attempted to wipe her tears the best she could before getting up. "I love you too, babygirl, I have since the moment that pregnancy test said it was positive - and the five after" Stevie whispered to herself, her left thumb tracing over the bottom of her wedding ring before she took a deep breath and headed back into the hospital.
Walking back down the hallway as she saw Lindsey sitting in a chair near Krissy's room, the blonde walked up and sat down beside him. "I told her about Sara, told her everything because I didn't want her to feel like she was alone like I did when I lost her" Stevie leaned her head on Lindsey's shoulder before he wrapped his arm around her and rocked her where they were sitting. Jerking her head over when she heard the door open and Will walked out, him slowly walking over to them before bending down and hugging Stevie tightly. "Oh mama, Krissy told me" Resting her forehead on her son's shoulder, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, not being able to say a word without wanting to just sob. "Listen to me, okay? The pain it never goes away, you just learn to make room for it" she truthfully remarked as she pulled away from his embrace a few minutes later. "Go be with your girlfriend until they see if they need to do a D & C or if she'll be okay to leave here soon. I'll wait here all night, alright?" Will slowly shook his head before walking back into the room and closing the door behind him. Bringing her feet up in the chair she was sitting in, she'd bury her head in the bend of Lindsey's arm and silently sob until she eventually cried herself to sleep.