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November 25th, 2020

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Gender: Female

Age: 31
Country: United States

Signup Date:
November 14, 2019


10/23/2020 09:53 PM 

please, don't leave me. (@versifier)

please, don't leave me.
i don't know if i can yell any louder
how many times have i kicked you out of here
or said something insulting?
i can be so mean when i wanna be
i am capable of really anything
i can cut you into pieces

"I'm tired, Buffy. This push and this pull, we can't be like this forever. I've done so much and I feel like it'll never be enough for you. How long do you plan to play this game with me, hm? I want to give you my all, but you're still stuck in this frustrating indecision. It's killing me, knowing what I feel for you, yet I'm still unsure about how you feel. Unsure of where I stand with you. Where we stand. Unsure of what this is. Am I just wasting my time here? I'm a man, despite how you may see me sometimes. I'm not just some toy that you can play around with whenever you feel like sh*t, then toss off into the back of your closet until you need a pick me up again. I'm done, Buffy. I don't want to be your dirty little secret anymore. I don't want to be just your dark place. I want to be more than that. And until you can figure out what it is that you want from me, I'm leaving. Find me when you're good and ready, Slayer. When you're through being scared."

And with that, Buffy watched him turn his back to her.

i always say how i don't need you
but it's always gonna come
right back to this...

The very person she never could imagine walking away. But, that's what it was, right? Buffy thought she could treat him however she wanted, and he would always stay, because he loved her, didn't he? And she took advantage of that. Buffy knew the hold that she had over him, and she knew that no matter what, Spike would always come around, would always be there to be the shoulder to cry on, to be that dark place that shrouded her in its comfort; that protected her from the world around her if only for a moment. She did this. She made this happen. Buffy used him up until she felt better; selfish bitch. Took advantage of how he felt for her. Treated him like garbage and kicked him down whenever she found herself feeling so high and mighty, vibrating above them all; forgetting that she felt up there in the first place because he had stroked her ego when she felt down in the dumps.

She pushed him away, and now he was leaving her.

can't you tell that this is
all just a contest?
the one that wins will be the one
that hits the hardest

Buffy felt the sudden emptiness that overtook her, the hole that had formed itself at the middle of her chest. The darkness that was threatening to ensnare her. She was alone. She would always be alone. Undeserving of any form of love. That was her fate. That was what she deserved.

And the sting of hot tears teetered at the edge of her doe eyes; her vision blurred as they filled her gaze up to the brim until they were falling off the corners and rolling big and fat down her flushed cheeks. A strangled sob left her as she turned away from him, yet she didn't walk off. No, she stood there, before descending to the floor beneath her. She didn't want to see him go. She couldn't. There was rage burning within her veins now, and she wanted to scream, to run after him and hit him over and over until his blood was staining her bruised knuckles. But it wouldn't fix a thing...

"Spike..." She uttered, would he hear her? Buffy could still feel him. That tether between them, the one that tied them together. It was strong, wasn't it? Too strong, too thick to break away...

Buffy swallowed the knot that formed itself at the bottom of her throat. She felt sick to her stomach. There was a pressure in her chest, it felt like it would crush her heart and shatter it to a thousand little pieces that she would never be able to collect and piece back together again. She hated it. She wanted it to stop.

The queasy feeling was only intensifying with every trickling minute, and she felt it, that tickle at the back of her throat, the way her insides collided and shook - there was something that her body wanted her to eject, but she wasn't going to throw-up, no... it was words. Words that she had been too scared to say, to admit to. Spike didn't have to leave, he didn't have to go anywhere, because Buffy knew exactly what she wanted. She had known for a while now, and she had to say them... he had to know...

i forgot to say out loud
how beautiful you really
are to me

"Don't go! Please, don't leave me..." She cried out, was her voice shaking? Would he notice that she was crying? Buffy didn't turn to look behind her, afraid that if she did, she would notice that she was simply begging the shadows, confessing her emotions to nothing at all...

"I..." And she felt it, the pressure became worse. It almost felt like she was suffocating. Her breath hitched and her eyes closed for a moment. She had to let it go. She had to say it. "I-I love you, William..." The words finally fell from her lips, and just like that... the pressure seemed to disappear... evaporate into the atmosphere.

There. She had said them. They were raw and true and full of emotion. The very words that she felt would curse them forever if she ever dared to speak them out into the universe. The words that she dreaded to say, to feel, to accept. It was her and Spike. It had been her and Spike for a long time now. How long could she ignore the fire that he ignited within her? Not anymore. It was no longer hidden deep within her rib cage, left to fester.

Buffy could breathe again, she felt free... that now he knew...

And she hoped that she wasn't too late, she hoped that he would stay.

i can't be without
you're my perfect little punching bag
and i need you
i'm sorry.


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