Percy Weasley

Family gatherings had never been easy for Percy, things only growing more uncomfortable since his return. Far and few Percy attended for longer than an hour, there always something that set him off and drove him away again. No matter how hard he tried to make up for his mistakes, he was never allowed to forget them. This was no different, no chance to escape after promising his mother he would remain until the end, her pleas for just one peaceful day; that George deserved as much. Percy agreed, held his word, and withstood the passive-aggressive comments until he was at risk of snapping. He felt their eyes on him as he walked out the back door and through the field, needing just some time to clear his mind, to drown out the voices that agreed with everything Percy believed his family thought of him.

There was movement from beside him, Percy’s arms wrapping a little tighter around the small package he clung to in the burrow. He was in over his head, every corner of his mind screaming for him to run once more, to find solace at the bottom of a bottle. It was all too real for him the moment he walked through the doors into a somber house that should have been filled with chaos and laughter.

So many birthdays he had missed, so many life changing moments his siblings each went through that he had no part of; that when they told stories about in the future it would be like he never existed. The concept hadn’t hit Percy until now, the painful realization of everything he had sacrificed. He would never have another chance to celebrate a birthday with both Fred and George, would never be able to annoy the two with educational gifts. There would always be a heaviness that shrouded the day, not just for Percy but everyone else as well.

“Happy birthday,” Percy said quietly. "I'm not sure if I said it before."

He felt George shudder, Percy half flinching away in anticipation of a blow back. He didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know how to properly comfort his own brother and Percy looked down in shame. It was something so simple, something that he should have been able to do but as no words came to him, Percy sat. There had always been something wrong with him, a belief that only deepened the self-hatred that swirled and infested. He wasn't what anyone needed, the inability to even string together a coherent sentence, muster some apathy to allow him to at least offer something to George. But Percy had nothing. He was nothing.

The twins always had a way with people, their ability to pull people in and cheer them up in the darkest of times. They needed that now, needed some light but it wasn’t just Fred’s light they had lost during the battle and Percy would give anything to have both of them back, no matter what it cost for himself. He would take being disowned, burned off from his own family like an infected appendage if it meant they got Fred back. He wished to go back, switch places just so his family wouldn't be ripping apart at the seams. 

He didn't deserve to survive while Fred had died, not after everything he had done, the mistake he had made.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

There was a moment of silence between them, Percy swallowing hard at George’s words. He tried to dissect them, find meaning behind them that said what he really felt. Did he mean that he didn’t have to try to comfort him? Or did George mean that he didn’t want him there? Percy’s heart drummed, every new explanation met with the fact that he wasn’t wanted, not by George - not by anyone. No matter how hard he tried to repair the fracture, the damage had been done. He came back too late. He didn’t do enough to protect his family. He didn't react fast enough and as a result they lost one of their own.

Percy swallowed his pride, a small nod as his hand twitched, a pull to what he needed to put the guilt into silence. Eyes closed for a moment, he tried to clear his mind as his inner demons swarmed and pulled him to something he swore not to touch, at least not until after he was back in his horrid little flat. He had to remain strong for his mother and George, it wasn't about him or his troubles. He could manage a few hours without drinking himself into numbed sleep. He could maintain the image of perfection for them, be the annoying prat they needed him to be, allow every cruel comment to come because it was deserved and it would allow some normalcy of old times. 

The package shook as Percy gently set it between them, taking a moment longer to look out at the setting sun before them before he rose unsteadily to his feet. The rush was overwhelming, an inability to fully draw in a breath. “Just so you know, it’s a book. You know to keep with trad-”

“Stop it.”

Percy blinked at the bite in the words, jaw locking as a rush filled his eyes. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just never know what to get you two . . .” Words trailed off as George regarded him coolly. Percy's face flushed crimson, eyes wide in instant regret, unable to believe what he said, how stupid he was. "I'm sorry, I didn't -"

"You're fine." 

Percy wasn't the first one to say things along those lines, still group them together because the concept of one without the other was wrong. Unnatural. "Right. Well, I know you like charms so I thought you might like a rare book I had collected. It has loads in there, a first edition and everything."

“This is the most you’ve been yourself in some time. What’s going on?” There was a small, subtle smile that flickered over his brother’s face as Percy blinked, unable to mask over the surprise. It was gone in a flash as Percy stumbled over his words, a web of lies spun to hide the truth that he was drowning. “Everyone knows how I feel, don’t try to change the subject and stop telling me you’re okay. The others might not see past that bloody fake smile, but I can. I know that look in your eyes.”

Laughter boomed from the burrow a few yards away, Ginny’s squeal ringing through the air. With heaviness in his heart, Percy pulled his knees awkwardly into his chest. “You know . . . I was really proud of you two when you opened Weasley Wizarding Wheezes. I wanted to visit you but I was too cowardly, too afraid that you both hated me. I really tried to save him. I hate that I couldn’t.” With the back of his hand, Percy quickly wiped his cheek, his gaze kept forward. "I'm sorry I failed the both of you so much."

“I know you tried, Perce. I know.” Even in his own grief, George still had a way of bringing light to others, putting others in front of himself. Percy admired it with envy that it was something he could never manage. “If it helps, I don’t blame me for what happened.”

Percy gave George a half-grin, awkward and forced before they both fell back into silence.