Dr. Benjamin Thrace

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March 27th, 2024

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Gender: Male
Age: 49
Sign: Capricorn
Country: United Kingdom

Signup Date:
October 09, 2011

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10/11/2011 10: PM 

Personal Log, Doctor Benjamin Thrace, Stardate 62900.5

I think my stay at the Fleet Admiral's house is at an end.  I have come to realize that despite my feelings about her....for her, I cannot stay here.  I suppose it is my own fault, really.  I feel I have crossed the line, allowed my professionalism to be compromised.  I really thought that she was beginning to feel.......well something for me, but it seems all I arouse in her is anger and trepidity.  This is simply something that I am not used to.  I have never really been good at putting myself out there, at being close to someone, and for the first time in a long time I finally felt that I could be close to someone.  So many times we shared moments, great times with one another, but we whenever we seemed close to any kind of fundamental breakthrough, we would revert to arguing and criticizing eachother.  It has gotten to a point where I cannot see a need for us to continue to be in the same place anymore.  I know that she has been depending on my medical expertise to cure her current illness, and I will do just that.  My work will not be impeeded in any way, and I can continue my work from either my new home or at Starbase 231 where I still hold my position as lead researcher.  Perhaps a break from each other would be just what we both need in order to really achieve our respective jobs.

 

But it is more than just my want to continue my work unhindered that makes me seek this......separation.  I have never met a woman like her, so strong and yet so fragile.  She puts so much stock in her her job, how she is viewed, that sometimes her professional objectivity overshadows her personal one.  She has grown so accustomed to things being a certain way in her life that she cannot imagine a change, in which she may actually have come to depend on someone.  Not that I can blame her.  My own issues with relationships is probably more at fault, for I continue to hold back.  There is so much about me that she simply does not know, and yet I cannot seem to break that barrier in order to really connect to her, to let her in.  I want to, gods know I want to, but for some reason I cannot.  You know, if Rebecca were here she would say I was just being too pig-headed to open up, that I am allowing my past to influence too much of my future.

 

She messes me about in a way that I would never have imagined.  There are nights when I cannot seem to sleep without dreaming of her, or that my day is simply not complete without seeing her and that wonderful smile at least once.  But she seems to have thought other thoughts about me.  The last of my things are being moved as I make this entry, although I am leaving a fully stocked medical carrier for her personal use. There may be times when I am unable to get back to her to get her the medicine she needs, so in this manner she can make up the proper dosages.  I have shown her how to do it on several occasions, and I have left explicit instructions as well. I am confident she will acquit herself of this task well, but should she need my, personal touch, she knows how to reach me.

I have just been informed that my final belongings have been transferred to my home in England.  I am now officially.....moved out.

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