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Personal Log, Doctor Benjamin Thrace, Stardate 62900.5
I think my stay at the Fleet Admiral's house is at an end. I have
come to realize that despite my feelings about her....for her, I cannot
stay here. I suppose it is my own fault, really. I feel I have crossed
the line, allowed my professionalism to be compromised. I really
thought that she was beginning to feel.......well something for me, but
it seems all I arouse in her is anger and trepidity. This is simply
something that I am not used to. I have never really been good at
putting myself out there, at being close to someone, and for the first
time in a long time I finally felt that I could be close to someone. So
many times we shared moments, great times with one another, but we
whenever we seemed close to any kind of fundamental breakthrough, we
would revert to arguing and criticizing eachother. It has gotten to a
point where I cannot see a need for us to continue to be in the same
place anymore. I know that she has been depending on my medical
expertise to cure her current illness, and I will do just that. My work
will not be impeeded in any way, and I can continue my work from either
my new home or at Starbase 231 where I still hold my position as lead
researcher. Perhaps a break from each other would be just what we both
need in order to really achieve our respective jobs.
But it is more than just my want to continue my work unhindered that
makes me seek this......separation. I have never met a woman like her,
so strong and yet so fragile. She puts so much stock in her her job,
how she is viewed, that sometimes her professional objectivity
overshadows her personal one. She has grown so accustomed to things
being a certain way in her life that she cannot imagine a change, in
which she may actually have come to depend on someone. Not that I can
blame her. My own issues with relationships is probably more at fault,
for I continue to hold back. There is so much about me that she simply
does not know, and yet I cannot seem to break that barrier in order to
really connect to her, to let her in. I want to, gods know I want to,
but for some reason I cannot. You know, if Rebecca were here she would
say I was just being too pig-headed to open up, that I am allowing my
past to influence too much of my future.
She messes me about in a way that I would never have imagined. There
are nights when I cannot seem to sleep without dreaming of her, or that
my day is simply not complete without seeing her and that wonderful
smile at least once. But she seems to have thought other thoughts about
me. The last of my things are being moved as I make this entry,
although I am leaving a fully stocked medical carrier for her personal
use. There may be times when I am unable to get back to her to get her
the medicine she needs, so in this manner she can make up the proper
dosages. I have shown her how to do it on several occasions, and I have
left explicit instructions as well. I am confident she will acquit
herself of this task well, but should she need my, personal touch, she
knows how to reach me.
I have just been informed that my final belongings have been
transferred to my home in England. I am now officially.....moved out.
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