Gender: Male Age: 62 Sign:
Cancer Country: United States
Signup Date: May 27, 2011
Subscriptions
09/22/2011 09: PM
Bitch Dependency.
Niffelheim. The land
where the Frost Giants live and rule.
Many Aesir fear going into those wooded areas in fear of being attacked
and eaten by the Frost Giants. But there
was an Asgardian that wasn't afraid to enter the frozen tundra. That man was the hope of Asgard, Thor
Odinson. But the Hope of Asgard had a
heavy heart as of late. After the
divorce of Jennifer Walters and the leaving of Elektra, the God of Thunder's
heart was heavy. But instead of sitting
in a man cave and watch endless romance movies or listen to a playlist that
consisted mainly of the Cure, Thor was out dealing with his broken heart in
another way.
Hunting Frost Giants.
Thor continued to drag the heads of the Frost Giants as he
continued to walk through Niffelheim.
Rage beat in the heart of the Thunderer.
The skies above dark and cloudy, for it would match how Thor's soul felt
at this time. The blood stained the snow
as the ropes tugged hard on the nose rings which Thor used to pull the severed
heads. The God of Thunder himself was
unshaven, his beard unkept as he continued to walk through the snow. His rage pushing him on more and more. Alongside him was the boar that Jen and Thor
once had together, Snorri, as it sniffed out tracks to help his master. Thor paused for a second, using the magics
within Mjolnir to track the company of Frost Giants he was picking off one by
one.
But then, a large, green light appeared before Thor, which
caused him to place a hand above his brow to keep the light from blinding him
fully. Thor paused as he would see two
figures standing before him. One of them
glowing red, and the other, which glowed more brightly, was green. It didn't take Thor long to piece together it
was Wally and Kyle.
"See, Wally? I TOLD
you this ring can do anything!"
"Except get you laid.
That is an issue that the Guardians will never be able to solve. You're a curse. Every woman that dates you dies."
"And what about you?
Every woman you date ends up getting trapped in the Speed Force."
"At least my loved ones come back ALIVE!"
Thor could hear the bickering as he walked towards the
two. His shadow soon cast over the two
as Wally and Kyle turned to Thor.
"Thine voices. Even
in the sanctity of Niffelheim, thine words still pierce Thor's brain and give
him a headache!"
"THOR! Buddy! We're
all worried that you've gone off the deep end with this love stuff. We were expecting you to suddenly try to attack the entire world or some crazy stuff."
"Unlike the Midgardians, Thor doth not sit and watch
romantic teen movies all day, eat ice cream, and masturbate."
"FUCK YOU, THOR! And
your idea of going on a Frost Giant killing spree is going to help you feel better? You know PETA's going to have a field day
when they hear about this?"
"How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? None, vegans can't change anything"
"But killing Frost Giants?
I can understand maybe playing a violent video game, but this is too much."
"Jesus promised to eliminate all wicked people. Thor promised to eliminate all Frost
Giants. Thor doesn't know about thee,
but there aren't many Frost Giants around."
Wally turned to Kyle, raising an eyebrow.
"When did you promise this?"
Kyle rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and
pointer finger.
"The point is is that you're scaring everyone, Thor. You've cleaned up crime in New York and the
rest of the world. You've decimated the
Frost Giant population. Solved most of the world's problems like hunger, energy, and inflation crises, and not only that, but you've been on a drinking binge."
Thor crossed his arms.
"Alcohol was invented so ugly people would have a chance to
have sex. Without it, thine father
wouldn't have thought twice of being with thine mother. Besides, Thor hasn't been that bad..."
"You've consumed all the alcohol in every state since
then! Forget abolition! Whenever you're around, people hide the
liquor because they don't want you to drink it!
I can't even go to the bar anymore without the bartender going 'fresh
out'!"
"What about the time that thou smoked the funny cigarettes
and ate all the food in the Tri-State area to satisfy thy need for sustenance, or what thou said, 'munchies'?"
"Hey! You said you'd
keep that a secret!"
"Thor remembers the condom comment...Reversing them inside
out to get some girls that were all for Going Green?"
"When you go in the backdoor, it's brown, though."
"ENOUGH! Look, Thor,
we know you're hurting and you're taking your rage out on everything that comes
your way, but it's getting to the point where we're concerned. You're too angry. Hurricane season has been a bitch without you
making them larger and disastrous. You
owe an apology to the east coast!"
"Yeah, Thor. We miss
the old Thor. The one that used to smile
all the time, whether or not the joke was on him. The Thor that wasn't bloodthirsty. And the
Thor that wasn't a raging alcohol trying to drown out all of his sorrows. And the Thor that doesn't threaten to kill us
in a drunken or angry stupor when we make fun of him. I can only make fun of Kyle for so long before it even bores the Hell out of me! The Mighty Thor can't let a woman beat him like that? He's dated thousands of women and not let one girl give him Bitch Dependency!"
Thor looked down at the rope and looked behind him to see
the heads of the Frost Gaints. Thor nodded
before looking down at Snorri as he sat at his master's feet. Thor thought long and hard before giving a smile, patting Snorri's head.
"What's the difference between herpes and a relationship
with Jennifer Walters?"
Kyle and Wally were confused before Thor lifted his head to look up at them.
"Herpes lasts forever..."
Kyle and Wally smiled before hugging Thor, laughing as they
knew they got through to their Asgardian friend. They had brought Thor back from the edges of bitch dependency.
"Thank Odin you're back, Thor. The other Thor scared me. Who else are we going to make fun of and not
get killed for it?"
Thor narrowed his eyes at the two of them before looking at
Wally.
"Remember, Wallace, the difference between a bachelor and a
married man is that a bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, and
goes to bed while a married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to
the refrigerator."
Thor then turned to Kyle.
"And Kyle, the difference between sin and shame is that it is
a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Almost like fat girls and
mopeds. Fun to ride but thou doth not
want thine friends to find out. Right,
Mr. Rayner?"
Thor laughed before setting them both down. He picked up the ropes again before turning to the direction of the sun. The clouds started to disperse, signalling that Thor was now calmer and happier.
"Come! Thor heard
that 25 cent wing night is back at Hooters!"
"Awesome! I love their wings!"
Thor and Wally looked back at Kyle with a "are you serious"
look on their faces.
"What?"
"Thou goes for the wings?
Thor goes for the breasts...And he'll let that one sink in."
"Hey...Wait..."
Before Kyle could finish his sentence, Thor smiled and
raised Mjolnir, teleporting the four of them out of Niffelheim and to the
closest Hooters.
