DearDiary...Journal(Man that sounds lame!)
I'm pretty sure only girls have Diaries really, but I was told it was a journal. That young men have journals, but I'm not so sure. I think she is just pulling my leg. I think she figures it's a way to write my feelings out, and that it might help keep me out of trouble. I love ....... and the way the ringlet like curls of her hair bob as if they're dancing every time she moves her head!
They look happy and it makes me smile. It’s like sunshine on an overcast day! The sun glimmers out from behind the gloomy clouds... And somehow everything feels better.
I don't know what I'd of done if it wasn't for ..... I don't even know if I can explain it, but I guess I'll try. I promised my family I would and the one thing I really really hate is people who break promises.
I get that sometimes its kinda hard not to, but it's not something I like at all. I sometimes wonder how other people feel when they break promises. Do they feel their heart sinking in their chest only to be gnawed on by their stomach as I do? Do they feel like they're drowning in self-loathing like they're a failure? You’re not good enough. Like you’re the worst person in the world because you let someone down? Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I'm just that way because of my past. But nothing means more to me, then someone who believes in me.
And sometimes when everything just sucks! And it feels like nothing is in your control. It feels like no one cares or understands you. And you can literally feel like your drowning in self-doubt...That is when everyone needs a friend
I guess I'm really meant to be writing about myself in this thing. Is that what people do? I hope not because I don't think I'd be able too! It's like when people say to you, ' Tell me about yourself '... What is with that? I am who I am... I guess it’s why I like Mr John Newtons quote.-
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world, but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”
I think it sums me up pretty well, or at least how I think anyway. I mean, no one is ever going to be everything; everyone else wants them to be. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! And sometimes I think that peoples flaws; they can make them even more special!
Uncle Merry and Uncle Pippin, for instance, they always seem to be getting in trouble with someone or other in the Shire. But I think they're amazing! They make so many more people smile then they realise! And they don't waste a single moment dwelling on things they cannot change. I LOVE THAT! I wish more than anything that was me! That I could just do what I wanted and feel free doing it. But I can't. I worry too much about being alone. I HATE BEING ALONE! If anything, it would be my biggest fear and the thing that fills me with dread more than anything in the whole wide world.
I've been alone before you see. I've been in a situation where I didn't have a home to go back to, or a bed to sleep in. There was no one looking out for me, and I had no food to fill my belly. I missed a lot of school because of it. I missed a lot of everything! But the scariest part... it wasn't having to find somewhere to sleep where I'd be safe at night. It wasn't even feeling real sick where I felt so hungry. It was how people would look at me, or should I say how they would try to avoid looking at me.
That glazed look they'd get on their faces where they were trying to avoid eye contact without making it obvious and it's like you could tell they were trying to still act causal like, but their movements would become stiffer until they got passed you and then it was like their whole bodies would relax!
Yeah, there are a lot of bad actors out there!
It used to make me think that I was just bad. That I was born from the devil or something - or just plain unworthy of anything. And I guess that is what being alone means to me. To be alone, you must be unworthy of anyone's attention or love. And so when you get the attention, well to me anyway, it meant more than gold! You stop feeling invisible and you want more than anything in the world to show them, to prove to them that you are worthy of their attention. You want to prove to them that you're not really the devil's spawn! Or just plain bad news and a lost cause.
You want them to see you. To really see you! And you want them to love you. You want to mean something to them. Something that can't be replaced in a heartbeat.
Anyway, I've just realised that I'm coming to the end of the first page in this journal book thing. So I think my friends would be proud of me. Maybe I will show them what I wrote sometime...And maybe I won't. It's kind of scary showing someone else the thoughts that go through your mind, especially your fears or doubts. So I don't know, but times a dawdling away and I promised Serenity that I'd help her and Pollyanna buy more plums down at the markets. I wouldn't have had to if bloody Tosto Baggins hadn't been kissing some girl and our Violet hadn't caught him. Violets like my big sister in a way, we sort of grew up around each other and when I was real little I used to have a crush on her!
But that's another story for another time. Right now the hunt for plums is calling!
Peace out journal (you're not so bad... My friends were right)
Always
Milo Boffin.
