12/20/2021 06:09 PM  belonging. cw :: suicidal thoughts They’re all running around, playing, laughing, but he won’t join them; he just watches from his spot against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest. The bruises on his knuckle prove he isn’t like them — that he can’t function among them without conflict. The scowl on his face wards them away so it doesn’t happen again, but inside, he’s asking himself why? Why does he never fit in? Why is there nowhere for him to go? Why does no one ever seem to notice him suffering? He notices though. He notices and he’s been carrying the weight of it for way too long. It’s starting to feel like trudging through mud; he can’t pick himself up anymore — doesn’t want to try picking himself up anymore. He begins to think the only place for him is nowhere at all. No one will have to worry about him. No one will have to fight over whose turn it is to deal with him. No one will ever have to see him again, and that’s how it should have always been. If nothing else, at least he made it out of Pahrump, and that’s an accomplishment enough to take to the grave. 0 Comments

12/05/2021 01:50 PM  crybaby, 2. continued from here. “He can’t keep getting in trouble like this, he’s gonna get ‘imself expelled.” William is remarkably unfazed by the whole thing, sipping coffee like it isn’t happening, meanwhile Jean can’t seem to calm herself down. It’s only been a few months since they agreed to take Casey into their care and she’s already handled a dozen phone calls and even more meetings with teachers — that’s apparently not including the notes he’d failed to give her. She can’t handle another incident; she can’t handle seeing him explode like that again. Part of her feels sorry for the other kid, but a larger part of her knows Casey wouldn’t have done it if it was a minor situation. She’s not so much appalled at Casey as she is his teachers for opting to contact her over every failed assignment, but never the kid who’d been picking on him. Jean glances over her shoulder into the living room where Casey’s been asleep on the couch, cradling his injured hand to his chest still. He didn’t say a word to her on the drive home, nor William as he’d tended to the injury. Hadn’t leaned his head on her shoulder and apologized the way he used to when he was little and had an outburst. He just isn’t that kid anymore. He looks frigid even in his sleep, curled up and closed off, his eyebrows still slightly furrowed. The pain in his face isn’t just about the kid at school, she knows it can’t be. “I’m worried about him, Will.” “He just needs time to adjust,” William insists, leaning back in his chair. “But that’s never gonna happen if he doesn’t focus. We just gotta keep him in line and keep him focused on his schoolwork. He can’t just be allowed to do whatever ‘e wants like he did in Pahrump.” Jean shakes her head slowly, not satisfied. Not convinced pushing him will do anything but hurt him more. And that’s the dynamic she and William have always had, the one that’s served them all their years of parenting and now grand-parenting; William Hadley is harsh, to the point, no nonsense. And Jean is softness, empathy, kindness. She thinks Casey’s had enough harshness. “He doesn’t need someone to push him, honey. He needs someone to hold him.”   0 Comments

11/21/2021 11:59 PM  notice me drifting. based loosely on this song. cw :: suicidal thoughts, domestic abuse “Casey.” There’s a sudden jolt down his spine that yanks him back to reality. Sarah must have been trying to get his attention for awhile because she’s now staring him down from across the hotel room. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands clasped together in his lap, lips pressed shut. He can’t answer, can barely even look at her beyond a quick glance to gauge her proximity to him; and as soon as he determines it’s safe, he goes back to staring out the window. His face still feels three times its normal size; the memory of her actually hitting him is blurry and incoherent, but there’s still a throbbing pain that comes with every move. “You asleep or what?” Sarah prods. “No?” His eyebrows furrow. It was well after midnight when Sarah finally let him back in the room, and even later when she finally fell asleep after he’d helped her in and out of the bathroom when she was too drunk to care for herself. Ironically, Casey hasn’t slept at all. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry and you’re not even listening.” Casey keeps his eyes on the window, drifting in and out of attention; he can hear her talking, but he’s not registering it, not responding. He catches about every other word in between internal contemplation of how much damage jumping out a six-story window could do. In the midst of weighing his options, he loses track of her. Tunes her out enough that he doesn’t even notice her stepping toward him until she brings her arms around his shoulders. When he leans against her, it’s instinct, but it’s hollow. A horrifying sense of going through the motions makes his stomach turn, but he can’t bring himself to pull away. Can’t bring himself to abandon the almost-normalcy of it. Can’t put himself through another argument. Another bloody nose. Another interrogation in the hallway after. He can’t do it. “I love you.” There’s a crack in Sarah’s voice he can’t help but soften to, a desperation he’s unfortunately familiar with, though he still doesn’t embrace her. He still can’t move much more than a subtle nod of the head to prove he understood — that he isn’t sleeping. “I know.” a/n: this is a continuation of this, but reading isn't super required for context! 0 Comments

11/21/2021 11:59 PM  expectation vs. reality tv. 2 cw :: addiction, underage drinking, domestic abuse collaboration between casey, jacob and cecilia. JORDAN: So, where do you want to start? JACOB: Uhm, I guess the beginning. PART ONE: COMING TO HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood is a scary place —— for adults sure, but for children especially. For most child stars, they are pushed into the limelight by their parents from a young age and don’t become an active participant in their own ‘career’ at least until they’re teenagers or adults. It’s even more rare to see children that begin a lengthy career on reality television —— not to pull the curtain back on all of you, but it’s pretty well documented that most reality TV cast members go on to accomplish very little as the competitions they agree to be a part of don’t actually prepare them for the career they’re competing for. For years, we’ve had the opportunity to hear from those recovering from child stardom after a short-lived acting career, or a push into pop music after appearing on The Mickey Mouse Club, but for those growing up on reality TV, there’s always been an air of mystery. For 24 Times Rock, that mystery was something they seemed intent on exposing from day one. JACOB: None of us got a fair shake on Talent!, and even though I’m really grateful for it, I do think we’re under certain obligation to warn people about what they could be getting into, especially if they’re like us. We were all way too young, and naive to know exactly what things were going to be like for us. ISAIAH: Jacob and I went out to California together, when I was around… twenty-two? JACOB: I was fifteen. ISAIAH: We had just gotten back into contact with Casey over MySpace or something… .and in between like little dry spots of not hearing from him, we found out he had moved to L.A. ISAIAH: We weren’t necessarily going out there to LOOK for Casey —— no offense. CASEY: Ouch, man. [ laughs ] ISAIAH: [ laughs ] It’s true though. We didn’t think we’d be able to find you, but we still LOVED to play music and stuff so we were like, ‘we should be out there!’ It was, you know… almost like fate that the idea to try out for Talent! kinda hit all of us at once. JORDAN: Did any of you know, going into it, that you’d eventually be competing against each other? JACOB: We assumed. But we all hoped we’d be like, top three. [ laughs ] We kind of didn’t really expect that we’d be like… pit against each other in the way we were. For Jacob, Casey and Isaiah, there were definitely challenges unique to their situation; but every single one of those challenges was used to generate ‘good television.’ JACOB: I remember one time in particular, after some performance I did, Adam looked right at me and said… ‘I think you might have needed to channel Isaiah more on this one.’ And like… everyone laughed, and I laughed ‘cuz like… deep down you know it’s a joke, but when it’s your own brother, it does hit harder. ISAIAH: It does —— it does. And that wasn’t even something JUST the judges would do. Other contestants would, and ——. CASEY: No one was worse about it than the producers, though. JORDAN: Producer influence has been coming up a lot. Casey, I know you had an especially challenging time with the producers. CASEY: I was worried I hadn’t been clear enough about not liking them. [ laughs ] Honestly, I just felt like there was an extreme disconnect between the producers and the people I was actually working first-hand with. There was never a clear direction of like —— this is how you need to act, it was always changing. So, one second, the coaches are praising my honesty about who I am and what my life is like, but then the next, I’m being told it isn’t sitting right with people and to tone it down. They always had this weird speech about how they respect everyone and they aren’t judging or looking down on me, but you can tell they are just by the way they talk to you, they kinda treat everyone like a little robot, you know? We’re just ratings and numbers to them, all of us were. JORDAN: That’s crazy. Was that hard on you guys as well? Like, your relationships with each other. JACOB: We were honestly just like… in disbelief… we couldn’t believe they’d just let him go like that. ISAIAH: And people were asking US like, ‘wow, why didn’t you do something to help him?!’ and we were just like ‘we didn’t know!’ CASEY: Yeah, I had a few people tell me they couldn’t believe you guys didn’t say anything or help me out, but honestly… those people don’t really understand all that was going on and kinda what our dynamic is. Jacob, Isaiah and I hadn’t talked in a few years before we reconnected on Talent!, they really had no idea how bad I’d gotten and I wasn’t exactly offering up that information either. JACOB: We were also thinking about how hypocritical it was. Because like —— if the producers liked you, you could get away with so much. They’d even encourage a ton of stuff too… but they didn’t like Casey from the beginning…. CASEY: Right… besides what episode content they could get out of me, that’s what they liked. ISAIAH: Oh man, I also remember, going back to the hypocrite thing… I remember so many times where the producers would actually take everyone out to celebrate after we would wrap up filming and get everybody drunk. JACOB: I had my first drink with Adam Ballinger! Adam Ballinger was an executive producer for Talent! throughout the entire run of the show. If you were to ask a Talent! superfan, Ballinger and his seeming lack of business or personal ethics, could be held completely responsible for the show’s cancellation. And with such a long history of shady business dealings, marriage scandals, and general disregard for the well-being of others, it’s hard not to blame him. CASEY: This guy really would work you to the bone. Like, you could spend eighteen hours straight at the studio rehearsing with no breaks or anything and if you complained, he’d just yell at you and threaten to kick you off. And that’s not just me speaking from like… I know I wasn’t in the best shape to work that long myself, but eighteen hours is long enough for anyone, you know? JACOB: You know, he was always offering to take like… people from the cast out to lunch or out for drinks or something. And there was always something behind it. To him, ratings were everything. Good TV was everything. Didn’t matter what it meant for everyone else. CASEY: We couldn’t stand each other. Byron really fought hard to keep me for as long as they did, I don’t even think I’d have made it as far as I did because he just did not like me. It really was always something with Adam; he’d hover around at rehearsals and yell at me that my voice wasn’t TV-ready at all, but then I’d go out there and get the highest number of votes, so it’s like… what are you talking about? I think he just honestly wanted a reason to justify kicking me off. He really didn’t want me to win. JORDAN: Would you say that was just his coaching style with everyone, the tough love approach? CASEY: I really wouldn’t call it that, I really think he was just being an a**hole to me for the sake of it. It’s not something that made me stronger or better than I was; it’s not a case where I can look back and say… wow, I’m really glad this dude told me I’d be dead in the street without him and that made me a much better singer, you know? [ laughs ] The fact of the matter is, I probably would have been, but that’s not something you throw in someone’s face because they said something you didn’t like or disagreed with you on something, especially not a kid. JORDAN: So all of that drinking, doing drugs and partying at such a young age —— that Talent! really encouraged more or less, right? Like… all of that must have influenced you all and your relationships moving forward. JACOB: You have NO idea. PART TWO: HARDSHIP OF LOVED ONES. CECILIA: I'm Cece Donovan and I am Jacob's girlfriend. Jacob and I met as teenagers on the set of Talent. My mother was a guest judge on one of the shows. When I saw him, I could not take my eyes off of him. [ laughs ] Guess you could say it was love at first sight. JORDAN: I don’t think a lot of people realize how young you two were when you met. CECILIA: No, a lot of them do think I came out of nowhere. JORDAN: Jacob told us you were, ‘with him during some of the worst moments of his life,’ can you tell us a little about that? CECILIA: Let me start by saying that Jacob has always had a very traumatic life. And because of that I have always sort of felt that during our time apart and being so young he just sort of went with the flow. He didn't live his life, his life lived around him. During that time he started to drink heavily and he got involved with Sophia Russo. I am sure I am going to get some sh*t over this but Sophia leached on to Jacob. She wanted to be some big time influencer and she sunk her teeth in to him and by the time I did see Jacob again he was a shell of who he used to be. Sophia had sucked the life out of him and his drinking was very out of control. We started talking again and little by little I could see him starting to come back to life, he was my Jacob again. We had always loved each other and so it only seemed natural for us to be together, thus started our affair. Was it right? No, but we loved each other and wanted to have a real chance together. So he broke up with Sophia and we got together. With that however I got Jacob's baggage which came in the form of a bottle. [ pauses ] It has been one hell of a ride getting him sober again. We broke up and got back together several times all because that damn bottle was more important. But with love, patience and help. We got him clean. JORDAN: Is it still a struggle for you guys? CECILIA: I can tell it is sometimes, yes… SARAH: I’m Sarah Hudson, I’m Casey’s ex-wife… I almost actually said no to doing this, but I figured if he was gonna get his side of the story out there, mine deserves to be heard too. Casey and I met on 24 Times Rock’s first tour. We were married for six years and share one daughter together. I really thought Casey was the love of my life, but I guess the universe had other plans. JORDAN: If you could say one thing to Casey now, what would it be? SARAH: I'd say a lot of things... the first would be that I'm sorry... I'm sorry for hurting him as badly as I did because I was hurting. I'd say I was sorry I ever laid a hand on him or pressured him into staying with me. I'd tell him I accept who he is even though I wish he'd come clean before it all turned into such a mess. And finally, I'd tell him to get his sh*t together so our daughter can have at least a small chance at normalcy. JORDAN: Would you say drugs and alcohol played a part in how things ended with you and Casey? SARAH: Yes. Like, I don’t think we would have stayed together, obviously —— but I definitely feel like there was way too much like… partying that went on. And I still regret it. I regret it so much, because I worry about it being passed down to our daughter. I watch him destroy himself on TV and in the news every f***ing day, it feels like… it’s hard not to regret it… or wish I would have said something about it sooner, but I was too stuck in my own head to even notice what he was going through, you know? JORDAN: So why did you take part in it too? SARAH: I was a mess just like he was. The only difference is, I feel like I’m trying now. Because I have Savannah to think about. JORDAN: Do you feel like Casey’s not trying? SARAH: Casey can deny this all he wants, but I know everything about him, including what he looks like trying to get sober. He’s struggling, we can all see it. Which, it wasn’t always like that, he actually got sober before me the first time… JORDAN: I understand. Now, forgive me… I want to bring up Christian Thompson for a moment. SARAH: I already know what you’re gonna say. And yes, I think he makes it worse. I absolutely think he makes it worse. JORDAN: A lot of people seem to place the blame solely on you, when it comes to Casey and Sarah’s relationship falling apart. CHRISTIAN: They can do that if they want, whatever. Ya’know? [ laughs ] I know a lot of people think that, and whatever. But that’s not… what it was. It wasn’t about having like —— a party buddy, it was about my best friend being in pain. And I just wanted to help. JORDAN: Did you think about like… anything else outside of your relationship with him? Like how it would effect Savannah, or how you’re kind of… lifestyle might be bad for him? CHRISTIAN: Seriously? Okay, okay… I know what side you’re on now. Look it’s not like I went into this thinking ‘oh sh*t I should steal Casey from his wife and kid,’ ya’know? What happened between Casey and I wasn’t on purpose at all, it just happened in the midst of a really complicated situation. And actually, it had nothing to do with my lifestyle or whatever you wanna call it. JORDAN: I’m not on either side, I’m just wondering because it’s something that gets talked about a lot. CHRISTIAN: Yeah, the whole thing does. It’s stupid. And everyone gets on me for breaking up with him, and it’s like… of course I didn't think it was gonna end that way, but I kept telling ‘im, dude, you gotta do something —— you gotta make a move one way or the other and he just wouldn’t, you know? I’m really over it, though. We made up, so everyone needs to kinda forget about it. NEXT WEEK ON EXPECTATION VS. REALITY TV: We hear more about Adam Ballinger, and the other crew members that created the Talent! experience. JACOB: I invited Cece to come out with us, and next thing I know, he’s like pouring shots for all of us. CECILIA: It was insane. CASEY: I really thought I was gonna die, and no one did anything. And we sit down with Byron to hear his thoughts on things. BYRON: I think about it every day… but I didn’t know what I was getting into. Tune in next week! 0 Comments

11/14/2021 07:41 PM  24 times rock: documentary. THIS IS A COLLABORATIVE PROJECT BETWEEN THE FOLLOWING WRITERS: Jacob Brooks   Casey Caverly   Cece Donovan In the world of pop music, the aim of the game is to stand out among the crowd. Today, with stardom being just a few clicks away, it can be even harder to come out on top in such an over-saturated market. But there are a few success stories — a few surprising success stories, in fact! Today’s subject, however, managed to do exactly that. They managed to rise in the ranks, with only a brief stint on an off-brand reality TV show to back them up. Even still, they’ve easily become one of the biggest acts in the pop music game today. But with such a substantial amount of fame, scandal was bound to follow. With this series, we hope to get to the bottom of some of the band’s deepest controversies, but also learn about what it was like to grow up on a reality TV competition show that eagerly pit them against each other. 24 Times Rock is an American rock band, started in Los Angeles California by brothers Isaiah Flynn, Casey Caverly, and Jacob Brooks. Jacob: Okay, so try to follow along, [ laughs ] Casey is my half-brother, and Isaiah is my half-brother. ISAIAH: We’re still blood in our minds! [ laughs ] JACOB: Yeah! Yeah… dad got around. [ laughs ] For the boys, music was pretty much a no-brainer. With such little to do in the small town of Pahrump, Nevada, it seemed like music was one of their only options to get out of there. CASEY: We’ve always been interested in music. It’s something we kinda started taking on separately, but when we got together, like sleepovers and stuff - I’d go over to my dad’s place once a month or whatever, and we’d play and write songs together in the middle of the night after everyone went to bed. ISAIAH: It’s funny because, these two got their musical genes from their dad. And I just got lucky in that — I dunno, I guess I was kind of an outlier in my family and always wanted to do it but didn’t have any friends or anything that could play. So, when Jacob started showing an interest, and Casey was like…coming around with all his cool piano tricks and stuff, it was just like…ah, yes! Finally! But how did our small town band of brothers go from playing gigs separately in their living rooms, to selling out arenas in hundreds of different countries? If you've been a fan of competition reality shows for any length of time, chances are you've heard of a television show called Talent! For those who haven't, picture American Idol but on a bit of a budget. A lot of people turned to Talent! in between seasons of The Voice or American Idol to get their reality TV fix, but unfortunately that didn't stop the fanbase from dwindling, and eventually the show was canceled. Lucky for our subject matter, this off-brand talent show was merely a stepping stone in what ended up being very successful careers. To many, it's not unfair to say that 24 Times Rock was the most successful thing to come out of Talent!. Their familial ties and the way they were constantly pit against each other on the show captivated audiences and made them one of the most iconic acts on the show's ever seen. It was no surprise that they managed to cultivate a following that remained interested long after their reality TV stint. ISAIAH: Well, I got my start on Talent! and… I mean, it was. Well, it was a LOT, let me just say. But I did, I made it to the semi-finals, and got voted off that night, which… like, yeah that always sucks. You know what though? Look at me now! [ laughs ] JACOB: Nothing can prepare you for… the way stardom inevitably changes your life, but ESPECIALLY when you start out on reality TV. [ laughs ] I mean… constantly, Iz, Casey and I were like...put against each other for the sake of good ratings… or like, the production company would actively like… FEED you ideas for like songs and stuff? Knowing that you'd do a bad job with it. JACOB: In the end, I'm really grateful… but nothing comes without sacrifice. So, I'm trying to stay thankful while also being like… realistic to… oh wow… that was really f***ed up. CASEY: Being on the show, I think you kinda go in with this idea in your head of what it’s gonna be like. You go out and fight and hope people resonate with you and your art and this story you’re bringing to the table. You hope you’re staying on this kinda line between too much and not enough. In the end, I could never really find the line, I guess. [ shrugs ] CASEY: On some level, you know it’s not gonna be exactly like TV. You KNOW it’s not gonna be as glamorous and fun all the time, but no one can prepare you for a bunch of guys at the top trying to change the very core of who you are and what you stand for. They’d switch my song up last minute on me to put me against someone else, especially if I was head-to-head with Jacob or Isaiah. They’d play up my living situation for an audience, but then warn me about it in the dressing room like I was just kind of an actor and my life became a play they were putting on. Oh, seem sad, but not like that — you have to still be approachable, you know? You can’t look tired out there. I was living in my car and they took that story, capitalized on it, then kicked me off even though I had the highest number of votes when I was suddenly too real for them. And obviously I’m thankful for the people I’ve met and the opportunities I had because of Talent!, but I don’t think you ever really get over that. Although the three brothers were all ultimately eliminated from the show, they managed to climb back up and prevent themselves from falling into obscurity, but it can be safely said there’s more to their story than just the eliminations. Next week, we’ll be taking an episode-by-episode deep dive into their Talent! experiences. We will also become acquainted with some of the most important people in their lives and in their continued controversies. NEXT WEEK ON EXPECTATION VS. REALITY: THE STORY OF 24 TIMES ROCK. CECILIA: I'm Cece Donovan and I am Jacob's girlfriend. Jacob and I met as teenagers on the set of Talent. My mother was a guest judge on one of the shows. When I saw him I could not take my eyes off of him. [ laughs ] Guess you could say it was love at first sight. SARAH: I’m Sarah Hudson, I’m Casey’s ex-wife… I almost actually said no to doing this, but I figured if he was gonna get his side of the story out there, mine deserves to be heard too. Casey and I met on 24 Times Rock’s first tour. We were married for six years and share one daughter together. I really thought Casey was the love of my life, but I guess the universe had other plans. GINGER: I’m Ginger! I’m Isaiah’s…. soon-to-be-ex. [ laughs ] Isaiah and I…. yeah… we had a very long relationship… but I’m not necessarily unhappy it’s over. And a surprise interview from Sugarpill’s Christian Thompson gets candid! CHRISTIAN: Of course I didn't think it was gonna end that way, but I kept telling ‘im, dude, you gotta do something — you gotta make a move one way or the other and he just wouldn’t, you know? Tune in next week for never-before-seen footage, rare stories and more as we follow 24 Times Rock and their unlikely journey to the top. 0 Comments

10/21/2021 03:45 PM  that can't happen. cw :: domestic abuse based on this piece. It’s Saturday — Casey’s favorite day of the week, yet he can’t fathom continuing on for another hour, another minute, even another second. His run-in with Sarah in the morning has him cooped up in the guest room. Through the window, he occasionally catches Savannah run by while playing, and he knows he should be there. He knows he should be able to swallow it back, push it to the side if only to offer her some normalcy in a world that’s become entirely distorted, but he can’t. A knock at the door doesn’t stir him, doesn’t inspire him to move at all. It barely even registers until the door opens, zero regard for permission. “Case?” The sudden noise reminds him of his throbbing headache. Instinctively he touches at the gash in his forehead, no longer actively bleeding, but still aching all the same. “Case?” Sarah repeats herself. He wishes he never looked over, but it’s almost reflex the way his eyes follow the sound of her voice, even if his attention doesn’t linger more than a few seconds before falling on the window again. He sits up, as if preparing an exit plan; Sarah takes it as an invitation and sits beside him, a hand placed on his arm, her head leaned on his shoulder. She breaks the silence first. “I wish you’d say something.” The weight on his chest never seems to budge; Casey finds himself struggling to speak past a rock in his throat as he leans his elbows on his knees, shaking his head. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” “Casey, I’ve apologized five times already — what do you want me to say? If you’re not gonna forgive me, I wish you’d say it,” she snaps at him, lifting her head. When their eyes finally meet, her expression softens up for a moment, then sinks entirely. “You still love me, right?” Casey doesn’t have an answer, at least not one he can put into words right then. All he can come up with in the moment is a half-hearted “of course I do,” spoken with dwindling confidence, just barely above a whisper. If she doesn’t buy it, he wouldn’t blame her, but she just shakes her head, pulling herself from her spot beside him, only to assume a new one directly in front of him. Sarah successfully thwarts any exit plans as she kneels down and presses her forehead against his, causing his whole body to freeze over entirely. Casey can’t bring himself to move away, but definitely isn’t about to move forward. He just sits still, eyes on the ground, teeth grit together while Sarah does the talking. “Then talk to me… please, Casey, I really am sorry.” “I forgive you…” He remains still for a few seconds longer, then finally brings himself to break apart from her, only so he can look her in the eye. “But if we’re gonna get through this, that can’t happen again, and I’m really serious about that. That can’t happen again, okay?” 0 Comments

10/16/2021 11:01 PM  troublemarker. cw :: suicide mention “You’re lucky it was me who found you up there. Could’a been a cop.” Allan’s pick-up acknowledges every pebble in the road, but the roar of it isn’t enough to drown him out, even with the busted windows letting all the sound in. He rambles on from the driver’s side, waving his hand around — efforts to seem concerned met with a roll of the eyes, but no real response. Casey’s in the passenger side staring out the window, idly picking at his nails. If he were really lucky, no one would have found him at all; if he were really, truly lucky, they’d have found him much too late and he’d be long gone. No Jennifer, no Allan and his stupid attempts at playing father-figure. No Casey. Just a missing kid splattered at the bottom of the water tower, a misstep while playing around in a place he shouldn’t have, the only signature left behind a sloppy ‘ f*** off ’ carved into the metal with a pocket knife. An oddly fitting farewell in Pahrump, though Casey can’t determine whether that thought’s soothing or terrifying. “The hell were you doing up there anyway?” Allan asks. Casey still doesn’t look at him, just keeps watching the window, the tower escaping further and further from view. “I was gonna jump,” he finally answers, more for shock value than anything. He doesn’t think Allan will believe him, and even if he does, he won’t care. Allan scoffs a predicted laugh. “You know, your mom works pretty f***in’ hard to keep a roof over your head, n’ you say thanks by trying to jump off the God damn water tower?” “You asked.” Allan parks his truck on the side of the road — nowhere near home, and he doesn’t turn off the ignition, or make a move to get out. Instead, he starts lighting a cigarette. “Believe it or not, I used to be like you, Casey.” Casey raises an eyebrow. “Like me?” “Yeah, a troublemaker. Sneakin’ out, drinking, back-talking. You know what my dad did?” Allan takes a long drag off his cigarette. “Take a guess.” Casey’s already reaching for the door handle, a sour taste in his mouth; an inexplicable sickness in his stomach; a blaring voice in his head telling him to get out of there. He’s no longer naive enough to assume Allan’s trying for motivation or comfort; it’s a threat. “Nothing?” Nothing. Allan takes another drag. “My dad used t’beat the living hell outta me. Straightened me right up.” “Okay?” “You need someone to straighten you up.” Casey grits his teeth together, fingertips still feeling over the handle. The ignition’s still on; Allan could take off the second he opens the door, and Casey doesn’t put it past him, but he’d take a busted leg over an altercation. “You mean you?” “Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?” Allan turns off the ignition. That’s his moment. It’s up to him, right? Without a word, Casey shoves the door open and takes off running in the opposite direction. 0 Comments

10/16/2021 11:01 PM  they don't want you. many thanks to jacob for the use of eric brooks and this awesome concept! “Look, I wouldn’t call you if it wasn’t important, so I need you to listen, okay?” Casey can hear Jennifer in the kitchen while he sits in the bathroom, his head against the door, knees pulled to his chest. She’s still crying and he’s still bleeding from the mouth. Allan’s somewhere across town, answering to an officer who somehow didn’t care that Jennifer let the fight happen in the first place. “I really need you to take Casey for a little while.” “What’s ‘ awhile ?” Eric’s voice comes through on speaker. He doesn’t usually agree to more than a few days, emergencies or not, but Jennifer’s trying for months — years, maybe, considering how fed up she said she was. “I don’t know, Eric, he just —.” “What happened now, he get in trouble?” “No. Look it doesn’t matter, he just can’t stay here right no —.” “How long, Jenn?” Jennifer huffs. “A few weeks. That’s all I’m asking is a few weeks.” “Noooo, no, no, no, look… last time you tried to pawn that damn kid off on me, he terrorized David for three days, destroyed my neighbor’s fence, and taught Jacob about smoking cigarettes. I don’t want him here in the first place, let alone for weeks.” “He’s your son, Eric.” “No ma’am, he’s your son, and you raised him to be a little heathen. I’m not gonna let ‘im ruin my kids because you apparently can’t manage parenting. He can stay one night, that’s —.” “No. You know what, forget it,” Jennifer cuts him off. “Forget it, Eric. I’ll just… call my mom or something. You’re a real big f***ing help, thank you.” Casey hears her slam her phone down on the kitchen table, then she starts crying all over again. There’s a sudden pang in his chest, a realization that knocks the wind out of him when it finally hits, then stings as it settles in deep within him. Neither of his parents can stand to be around him, not even for a few weeks; they’re fighting over who has to deal with him, and Jennifer couldn’t care less if he hears it. They don’t want him. A knock at the door drags him out of his head and he contemplates ignoring it, but there it sounds again, more aggressively. “Casey, come on,” Jennifer groans behind the door. Casey hauls himself to his feet, takes one more second, one more deep breath to compose himself, then opens the door. Don’t you dare start crying— the mantra plays over and over in his head when he comes face-to-face with Jennifer. “You should be sleeping,” she whispers, her arms folded, shoulder against the door frame like she’s trying to prevent him from shutting the door in her face. “Okay, and?” She’s not there to send him to bed and they both know it. “And I think… I think you’re gonna have to stay with your grandparents for awhile, okay?” There’s still tears in her eyes, but Casey doesn’t buy them. “It’s what’s best for both of us right now.” He can’t help but roll his eyes, head suddenly turned from her, hiding. He doesn’t buy her tears, but seeing them brings his own out on instinct. “You sure they actually want me there?” 0 Comments

10/07/2021 10:05 PM  i can still play, 1. ft. jacob brooks cw :: serious injury, blood mention The stage went completely silent, and with it, the crowd — reduced to nothing more than a low hum from a collective gasp when everything came to a halt. The last thing he heard was the sickening crack of bone against metal; he’d seen a bright flash of light, then blackness that lasted what felt like hours, and when it finally let up, his head was still too scrambled to fit the pieces together. His head lulled off to the side, then was abruptly brought back to place and not by his own doing. He could hear his name somewhere behind the ringing in his ears; he could make out shadows crowding around him, but not faces. Just enough to recognize it had not, in fact, been hours and he was sprawled out on his back on stage. “Is he okay?” “How did that happen?” “Do we call someone?” “Here, help him up.” “No, don’t move him!” All he could think of was how his face felt huge compared to the rest of his body, intense pressure the only thing he could really make much sense of, then ultimately a spark of pain when he reached up to feel the bridge of his nose. The spark set the rest of the world in motion again. He was able to recognize Jacob and Isaiah trying to haul him off the ground, at least to a sitting position. “Case, c’mon, dude,” Jacob urged, patting him on the shoulder. “You good, can you hear me?” “Yeah, yeah, man, I hear you…” He finally got a look around at the frenzy he’d caused — the anxious crowd, techs scurrying around the stage, Isaiah and Byron having some argument in the background before they noticed he was coherent and came running over. Byron knelt down in front of him. “Are you okay?” “What was that?” Was all he could think to ask, the words spilling out sloppier than intended, but they were all he had the strength for. “Well, you see that drum kit over there?” Jacob pointed behind him. “You sorta fell and smashed your face on it.” “Nice,” was all he could say. He didn’t even want to imagine what he must have looked like. If Byron wasn’t holding him, he was sure he’d fall over again, and he wanted to. “We need to get you to a hospital, kid,” Byron insisted, causing another unexpected spark, a different kind than before. Disoriented and bloody-faced or not, he couldn’t ditch a show halfway through. “No, we don’t have to go, I can still play.” “Casey, you can’t —.” “No, man, I’m serious.” Casey started trying to get himself up, a failed effort. “I’m serious, just — help me get to the bench, I can finish the show.” 0 Comments

09/23/2021 03:52 PM  when it won't stop. ( from the POV of shirley who is also featured here. ) cw :: blood, injury It’s close to noon when Casey Caverly comes running down the hall into her lobby, and at first, Shirley assumes he’s just being a menace. In fact, she’s about to yell at him for running, but then she notices the blood, spilling in a little trail of droplets behind him. He should be in school, but here he comes up to her counter, bleeding from his hand. The Caverlys, a dysfunctional mom-and-son duo, check into Saddle West every few months. Sometimes it’s only a few days, sometimes it’s weeks. Once they stayed a whole month. They always leave their room a mess, never fail to cause some kind of disturbance when they stay, but Shirley doesn’ t have the heart to refuse them, especially not Casey ( if she doesn’t take them in, who will? ). Shirley knows all about Jennifer Caverly’s drinking habit and her inability to nail down a real job. Knows all about how she drifts from one guy to another and always lands herself back in the same spot when it doesn’t work out. Shirley feels for Casey, even when he is genuinely being a menace, and not because he seems distressed, but because he seems numb. Cold, even — far too accustomed to the lack of stability. Only ten years old and he always just looks like he’s going through the motions, though that chilly demeanor is nowhere to be found when he crashes into her front counter begging for help. The front lobby erupts into chaos, crowding around him, barraging him with questions, but he’s not answering. To her, he sounds like he’s hyperventilating. “Alright, alright, don’t smother ‘im now!” Shirley makes a shooing motion at the swelling crowd as she steps out from behind the counter, kneeling in front of Casey who’s huddled into the counter with his hand bundled to his chest. “Well, don’t just stand there, get me a rag,” she hollers to another receptionist behind the counter. Then she focuses on Casey. “Keep your eyes on me. You need to take a few deep breaths, okay?” Shirley places one hand on Casey’s shoulder, the other reaching for the rag she’d requested. “Where’s your mom, is she here?” He just shakes his head. “Let me see.” Pulling his hand from his chest, she finally gets a look at it — a long slice on the bottom of his palm, though she can’t make any guesses about what happened. He slumps into the counter again, though she can feel the tension in him when she presses the rag to his hand — how hard he still tries to preserve that frigidness. He’s not strong enough to pull his hand away. Shirley wonders how long he’d been up in their hotel room trying to tend to his own wound while his mother’s nowhere to be found. “Look up at me, honey, so you can breathe. Okay? Casey?” He finally looks at her again, his face entirely drained of color, body trembling, usual deadpan eyes puffy and drowning in tears. It’s the most lost she’s ever seen him look. “What if it won’t stop?” 0 Comments

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