“ You can go, but I do want you to promise me something. You mess up or decide it’s not working out, you call me, and you come home. You finish school, and get stabilized. Deal? ”
The promise to his grandfather before leaving Reno played over and over in his head. He thought about it all the time, yet when the time came to follow through, Casey sat there, staring at his phone in silence. He had nothing. He’d quit his job on the spot. His deal with Byron was up in the air, and his pact with Jacob and Isaiah was uncertain with Isaiah still in the competition. “C.C.!” Randy stumbled over to him laughing. The last few nights, they’d both been staying with Randy’s friend and drug connection, Tony. Casey was five shots in, still staring at his phone, vision hazy from tears he was fighting back. The last message from his grandmother said to call if he needed anything, and he did need something — a lot of somethings — but he couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t bring himself to admit she was right.
“Casey. Dude.”
Casey finally snapped out of his trance, smiling when he saw Randy standing over him. He’d huddled himself up into a corner of the living room while everyone else sprawled out on the couches. “Heyyy.” He waved, leaning his head back against the wall, sliding his phone away from him.
“You good, dude?” Randy plopped down beside him.
Casey ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m f***ed up…”
“Uh, yeah, no sh*t.” Randy laughed. “How much did you have?”
Casey shook his head. If he talked any more, he would either explode into hysterics or throw up. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose, keeping his hand over his face.
“Hey…” Randy straightened up. He hadn’t had enough to drink to ignore Casey like the rest of them, but Casey wished he had. “Dude, you good? You gonna throw up?”
“No… I’m not gonna puke, maybe.”
“Oh…kay, then what’s up? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, man…” Casey finally whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest, swiping furiously at his face. Only right then did he notice how close Randy was sitting to him, the rest of the room a blur. He could barely hear himself think, let alone talk, and he felt like all his words were just coming out like mush, but he couldn’t stop them. “I just feel like a f***in’ loser, you know? Like I had that one shot, and I blew it, so now what am I even supposed to do? And I told my grandparents I’d call them, but I don’t want to, I don’t wanna go back home — I don’t wanna go back home.”
“Dude, it was just one avenue.” Randy lit up a cigarette between words. “It’s just ONE way of getting where you wanna be, but it ain’t the only way. And sh*t, if your grandparents are gonna support you ‘til you figure it out, let ‘em. Go home.”
Casey shook his head. “I can’t…”
“So, what, you’re just gonna sit around, get drunk and cry ‘til something happens? Because that’s not the way this sh*t works.”
“Shut up, Randy…” Casey rolled his eyes, scoffing a small laugh. “I am not.”
“Yeah? ‘Cause that’s all I’ve seen you do since you got kicked off, man. You gotta pick yourself up. Reapply at the restaurant, I’m sure Lia would gladly take you back. Get your sh*t together, and get goin’ again. You are way too young to be doin’ what these idiots are doing.” Randy pointed behind him at the huddle on the couch. “They’re gonna go nowhere and they’re too f***ed up to care about it. You don’t have to be that.”
“Maybe I’d be happier if I didn’t have that kinda pressure on me.” Casey muttered, wiping his face again with the back of his hand. “If I was just happy being a loser, this wouldn’t suck so bad.”
“That’s bullsh*t.” Randy took a long drag off his cigarette, then passed it to Casey. “You’re gonna die here if you think like that.”
Casey took a drag off the cigarette, staring at the couches. They’d all done a lot more than drink. Casey wished he could be as numb as them, laid out on whoever without an ounce of concern. He wished he didn’t have to think about the show, or Byron, or his grandparents. He shook his head slowly. “I’m gonna die if I go home too.”
“Then the solution’s obvious, bud. Take a few days, cry it out or whatever, then get the hell back to work. You didn’t get kicked off the show because they think you suck. Get your sh*t together like they told you. You went through therapy and all that sh*t. You got yourself all the way out here. The willpower’s there, let your pride take a back seat for a sec.”
Casey rolled his eyes.
“You’re gonna get rejected over and over if this is what you wanna do, so get used to that. I’ve had labels tell me I wasn’t worth sh*t, but I’m still goin’.” Randy took his cigarette back. “You can too. But the next time I see you doin’ this crap, I’ll take your phone and call your grandma myself.”
“You never wanted to just say forget it?” Casey asked. He slid his back against the wall until he was laying on the ground, watching the ceiling. “The whole time, you never just wanted to do this ‘cause it was easier?”
Randy laughed. “Hell yeah, I have. Which is why I’m telling you not to.”
Casey was back and forth between listening and fighting for awareness, and in the midst of it, Randy’s point was becoming lost. “But it all worked out for you.”
“I think it did.”
Casey gave a small nod, bringing his arm underneath his head. He let out a deep breath to still his churning stomach. “I’m really f***ed up.”
“I could see that the second I walked up to you,” Randy teased. Casey felt a tug on his shoulder, Randy starting to pull him off the ground. He hadn’t realized how out of it he was until he tried to stand, and it took both the support of Randy and the nearest wall to hold him together. Randy pulled his arm over his shoulder and started trudging toward the bathroom. “C’mon, if you throw up all over the place, Tony’s gonna freak. Think about what I said, though, I’m serious. I’m not afraid to heckle you sober too.”
“I know, I know…” Casey muttered, but stopped walking.
“What’sa matter, can you make it?”
“Mhm.” Casey turned to pull his arms around Randy’s shoulders. “Love you, dude. Sorry I’m such a stupid idiot right now.”
Randy laughed, pulling Casey into a tight hug. As he pulled back, he ruffled up his hair a bit. “You’re not an idiot. I get you, it’s why I’m not gonna let you do what I did.”
“Well, thanks.” Casey laughed, swatting his hand away.
“So you gonna get your sh*t together and move on?”
Casey wobbled a bit in his place, leaning onto the wall with a lopsided grin on his face. “Yeah… yeah, after I finish throwing up, I’ll get my sh*t together and move on.”