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12/02/2019 11:31 PM 

Is It Me? | Drabble

is it me?
inspired by skam

Sirius told himself repeatedly that he didn't know when it started, but he could pinpoint the exact moment it started; the third of November, 1959. He was born attracted to people regardless of gender or sex. It was something he kept to himself until he was about thirteen, when he started experimenting with any sort of romance or physical relationships. It was much quieter than any interaction he had with girls of interest, a sworn secret between him and the boy he was kissing. There was a small section of the wizarding world who didn't care about someone's sexuality and the majority of them fell into the half-blood category; muggle-borns had the outside influence of the muggles opinion on the subject, and a lot of purebloods wanted to keep their lines pure... sleeping with the same sex couldn't produce that, so it was taboo. 
There were families who didn't care, he always imagined the Potters wouldn't mind if he openly expressed his interest in anyone he found attractive, but he still kept it to himself. Especially while he was living at home. He gave his family plenty of ammunition against him, but this was one thing he didn't want them to touch. This was too personal. 

For the most part, it didn't matter. Sirius wasn't the type for commitment, preferring to explore around, no one ever lasting more than a month, max. 
Until it did. 

Another time he could claim to not know when it started, but deep down, he knew exactly when. His feelings for Remus started the first night he ever saw him transform into a werewolf. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice on him, and his black fur couldn't protect him from the cold. He hadn't been naive enough to think that seeing Remus transform into a werewolf would be easy, they knew it was painful for him, but he too felt like every bone in his body was breaking, and he was dealing with the same indescribable pain his best mate went through as the change consumed him. Part of Sirius wanted to shield himself from watching, while the other part wanted nothing more than to jump over to the changing werewolf and hold him tight. His reaction that night was what told him there was more. 

It was months before he admitted it to himself, and longer before he said anything to Remus. He had to force himself to find his inner lion, to be brave like he always was, and admit his feelings. He'd be forever grateful that he didn't lose his best friend that day, and no words would describe how he felt when he learned the feelings were reciprocated. All that was left was telling their friends. James was his priority, the person who meant most to him in the world. So, with Peter and Remus in the library studying, he was presented with the perfect opportunity. 

With no reservation, he went over to James' bed, flopping next to him. "Hey."

James looked up from the parchment, where he was doodling rather than working on the essay they were assigned by Professor McGonagall. "Hey, what's up?"

"You know how during lunch, you mentioned I've been in a particularly good mood lately?" A nod was enough to get him to continue, "there is a reason. There's someone I like." 

James rolled his eyes. "That's not new, Sirius. It's been... what? A fortnight since your last girlfriend? Less than that since you've dragged some poor bird into a broom closet?" It was mock exasperation, more at the fact, Sirius was treating it like it was something new. "Is this one extra pretty or something?"

Sirius just laughed. "You could say that, yeah." He didn't elaborate, seeing James' curiosity piqued. Habit by now or not, that didn't make him any less interested. 

"Well? Gonna tell me who it is?" his brow came from under his glasses as they rose.

"Guess." 

The stag scoffed. "Pads, you don't exactly have one specific type; gingers, blondes, brunettes, short hair, long hair, younger, same year, older... The only thing I can do is eliminate the people you've already been with. You've never gone back to the same one twice."

Another laugh, one sounding close to a bark. "I'll give you a hint." His best mates hazel eyes were trained on him, parchment and quill forgotten. He took a breath, even though in his heart he knew James wouldn't have an issue with what he was about to admit. It didn't even make sense to him why he'd kept it a secret so long, but it was time to let his brother in on it. "It's not a girl."

There was a brief pause while James processed what he was being told. "Bloody hell! You like blokes too? Is no one in this school safe? If that's supposed to help, it doesn't. All you've done is widened the options. At least with girls, I could eliminate ones you've been with!" It was dramatic, it was crazy, it made Sirius laugh, but it was still very wholesome. There was no deep questions on his sexuality or making a big deal about it. It was just his frustration with the fact it didn't help him guess any easier. James settled and got quiet for a moment, and Sirius wondered if maybe he was wrong, and he was just now processing it. Until he spoke. "Is it-- is it me?" 

The sincerity of the question was cute, even though little bits of his ego were shining through the cracks. Sirius couldn't help it, his dramatics overcame him and he threw himself over James. "Yes! It's you! I've been in love with you since the day we met, and it's been killing me to sleep near you without actually being near you." Dramatic indeed. It was (intentional) worse acting than the actors who thought they needed to exert all their energy into every word of every line. The two had a laugh at that, James pushing Sirius off him as much as he could, without tossing him from the bed. Now that they were older and bigger, it was a tighter squeeze for two of them. "It's not you, mate. Sorry to disappoint." 

James grinned. "However will I go on? Really, though. If I try to guess, we'll be here for hours. I may not want to do this stupid essay, but I do need my beauty sleep." 

"Hoping maybe I'll change my mind about you, Prongs?" Sirius teased with a wink, ruffling the Potter boy's already incredibly messy hair. He settled, trying to take it more seriously, for once. "It's Remus."

His companion was quiet, watching him with a look that said he was waiting for the punchline or the reveal that it was a joke. Sirius remained calm but serious, and after a few moments, it dawned on James that there was no reveal of another joke coming. He meant it. He had feelings for Remus. "Bloody hell. Does he know?" 

Sirius nodded, his smile brighter than it had ever been. He did look like the brightest star at that moment. "I told him recently. They're not one-sided feelings. He just didn't know my interests or think that I'd settle down enough for an actual relationship... but for him, he's worth it." 

James put his hands over his chest. "Awwwww." It was genuine, despite the comedy that could come of it. "So... Moony's like your Evans?" Sirius nodded, smile still as bright. "Awwwwww," James said again, throwing his arms around the boy he'd come to call his brother. "I'm happy for you, mate. You deserve someone great." 

Sirius grinned so wide his cheeks hurt, hugging James back. There was a relief, but also a peace that he'd been right. His best mate would be there for him through anything and support him no matter what. 

"One thing, though?" James commented after a moment. 

Sirius glanced at him curiously. "Hmm?" 

"Please don't shag him while we're in the room." 

Sirius laughed, not dignifying it with a response, but did, in fact, push James out of his own bed. 

Sirius Black (brightest star)
Inspired by Skam 3x7

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