Teagan had been texting Cherish for the first time in what felt like forever. They were friends, best of, and she’d be there anytime the girl needed her. Right now she was just getting into the life that Teagan already knew. The spot light, the public eye, the place where there was no where to hide. It happened quickly for Teagan, she took off, blew up, and lost everyone it felt like. She didn’t lose all of them in the sense that if she called they wouldn’t pick up, but they weren’t lead roles in her life anymore. She wasn’t living a movie with a full cast, she was living a documentary on a lonely girl.
When she pictured where she’d be when she was older this was never it. Sure when they were promised the world in the secrets of Rosemary, she envisioned all of them together hand in hand, friends forever. However that was a fantasy, her life was a fantasy. It wasn’t what people saw. Sure she had fans, sure she could get almost anything she wanted, sure she was a sought after model, and while those things were things she truly treasured, there was so much more missing. She missed late nights curled up in bed gossiping with her best friend about boys and high school drama. She missed trips to the beach and late night bonfires making memories with her best friends. She missed the life she left behind too early. The saying was right, you always miss it once its gone.
Laying in bed as she stared at the ceiling she was haunted by memories she wanted to erase. She’d seen once in a movie about erasing people from your mind. The ability to truly forget someone. She didn’t remember how it ended, but she understood what would prompt someone to follow through. She’d do it if she could. She’d erase the pain and move on with her life. She wouldn’t stalk his instagram and see his happy life. See how he was living it up without her and doing just fine. She wouldn’t see that he’d gotten everything he ever wanted. She wouldn’t care because she wouldn’t know. She’d forget the letters she wrote, she’d forget the good times and bad. She’d forget pulling a Meredith Grey on him as she begged him to pick her, choose her, love her. He didn’t though, choose her. They never did in the end. That was her curse.
Teagan was filled with years of heart break. Each time a little worse than the last. Her first love was fleeting, quick, but showed her what love could taste like. She found a playmate and memories that she honestly didn’t hate. Her second loss was ripped from her time and time again for reasons beyond their control, but he was always someone there to pick her back up. He was there to remind her she was beautiful and deserved better, but when it came time for them to make it for real no childish antics, it was too late. She knew she was the blame this time. Maybes and What ifs could convince her that she was the problem. She should of, would of, could of, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. A fact she continues to tell herself daily.
There are days she could go on and not think about him, not think about them, not think about what they could have been, but then something happens. A song happens, a text from an old friend happens, an accidental peek into his world, and she was right back where she started. How do you tell your heart to stop loving someone? How do you tell it to stop aching, that it’s never gonna happen, that holding on is harder than letting go? How do you convince yourself that this is all self inflicted and if you could stop focusing on one and looked up you could see the endless possibilities? You couldn’t. It was why Teagan hated social media, she hated the easy access. She hated that she could see everything going on with him. Work never made her busy enough to forgot the longing in her heart, but it was time.
It was time for her to let go. It was time for her to move forward. Cherish had, she’d stopped looking back and look what happened. She was now letting the world see how amazing she was. She’d be coming out behind her mask and revealing that behind it all she was worth taking a look at. Teagan envied her friend more than she’d ever admit. She envied her happiness. She envied that she was growing into this strong woman and while she was happy for Cherish, she wanted that feeling for herself.
The blonde had pushed out of bed going to the bathroom and cleaning up her face. She covered the puffy under eyes with concealer, hiding the sadness with make up. She had one thing on her mind, one thing she knew would set her free. At least she hoped. There was a part of her holding out for him, a part of her she saved for him. She wasn’t sure why she’d saved it, maybe if he’d come around he’d want it, or if he decided she was the one and he found out it was gone, he’d leave again. Her whole world was based around him and he didn’t even know. She needed to end the cycle and break free of his hold he had on her.
She didn’t bother to put on much, a black slip dress and some heels as she headed down to the bar around the corner. Something good about the city that never slept, there was always a place to find a drink, and in every hole in the wall bar there was always a guy willing to give you want you needed.
The bar was empty as she walked in, her heels clinking against the concrete as she entered. The music was playing, but just barely as the bartender cleaned glasses behind the bar. She was already living on a liquid diet of Pinot Grigio and water, so when she ordered a shot from the bartender it drowned out that sober feeling almost instantly. Her target was quickly spotted as she moved down the bar towards him. He was in his late twenties, good looking, but unshaven. He looked like a kindred spirit trying to numb the pain. He was a stranger and someone she’d never see again, but that was the plan. She didn’t want to see him again. This was a one night thing, this was cutting strings, this was Pinocchio being set free.
Her hand ran up his arm as she approached, her eyes going to his features gauging his reaction. His green eyes found her baby blues as he took a long drink from the bottle. It was all non verbal at this hour as she nodded towards the bathroom. The stranger looked at the door, back to Teagan, and back to the door before a sly smile crossed his lips and he nodded his head saying yes. “ you’re not a hooker are you?” He asked obviously thinking he couldn’t afford her.
“ No… Stop talking.” she stated bluntly as she shook her head almost irritated with his voice. A woman on a mission as she moved her hand to grip his and led him to the bar bathroom. Locking the door behind them she didn’t feel nervous, she felt numb. Losing your virginity was supposed to be this magical thing, and she was about to throw hers away.
The man wasted no time as if he knew she was coming and was just waiting for her arrival. His lips moved in for hers, but she turned her head letting them catch her neck. Leaning up against the bathroom wall as his beard scratched against her skin, leaving irritations on her flesh as he sucked at the sensitive spots. She closed her eyes for a moment and the man disappeared and someone else took his place. He wasn’t a stranger at all. His face was familiar, just like she’d remembered it. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” His comforting dark eyes relaxing her as she nodded to assure him it was what she wanted. It was all she’d been wanting and for a moment he was hers.
Her breath was labored as her mind played tricks on her, letting her believe it was him that had her dress pulled down, his mouth exploring her chest. Him who’s hands were sliding over her body as it grazed her frame. She felt her self turned on by the thought as her mouth hung open and his hand slip inside her panties making sure she was ready. “Are you sure, T?” He asked again as he came to her, his body holding her to the wall, losing herself in the imaginary feel of him, because the moment he pushed inside of her, she was shaken awake.
Her eyes shot open as she took a second to realize where she was and it hit her. The stranger wasn’t easy, but didn’t know he needed to be as her leg hitched on his hip trying to find a comfortable position as she groaned, gritting her teeth. His movements were fast, quick, and hurt more than she was willing to admit. Every bit of the pain was a reminder of why she was doing this. Her hands gripped his shoulders as he moved in and out of her tight core, feeling the small droplets of blood as it threatened to roll down her inner thigh. She kept her eyes fixated on the hair dryer, closing for a moment to get back to that place but she couldn’t. It was gone. He couldn’t see him anymore as a tear trickled down her cheek. Panting heavily as the man thrusted hard, grunting loudly before he pulled out releasing himself on her stomach.
She was frozen in place as she kept her eyes on the hand dryer, her place of solace in this nightmare she had created. The man hunched over by the sink as he collected himself and looked to her with a pleased grin. “ Thanks, blondie.” and exited the bathroom. She felt dirty and sick as she finally moved off the wall. Grabbing toilet paper she rubbed her skin until it was red getting his left overs off her body. What did she just do? What did she just do?
The blonde moved to the mirror seeing her reflection, black mascara tears staining her cheeks. She cleaned up the best she could before exiting, making no eye contact as she left the bar and headed back to her penthouse reliving the last few moments over and over in her head. She felt abandoned by her memories of him when she needed him the most, but that was the point. He wasn’t there, he couldn’t be there, and she needed to realize that he never would be. It was a fantasy life her heart held onto.
Teagan rushed to get inside the shower when she returned home. Standing under the down pour until the hot water turned cold and still didn’t feel anymore clean than she had before she'd gotten in. She’d tainted herself and she could feel the black mark on her psyche forming from her decision. Laying on her bed she pulled her pillow to her chest as she hugged it tightly. As if on queue her tears began to flow, soft sobs followed as she stared at the floor and he popped in her head once more. “ I hate you.” she stated to his memory as she turned her head, buried her face in her pillow [End of Flashback]
Teagan stared at the dress that she'd wore that night as it laid on the edge of her bed. She could remember when she bought it, how she thought he would love it on her, and maybe want to take it off. She thought about all the times she did things for him without him ever knowing. How he was her world and how she was just.. Teagan. She'd given up so much of her life for him that she remembered what drove her away. She left New York because of him. She stayed away from the states because of him. She'd spent the last two years in Italy, working, because of him and he had no idea. He never asked her to. He never told her to. Her heart convinced her to hold out for him. But was it for him or was it for her? She had done this to herself. The reason wasn't him it was her. If she had just accepted the truth, maybe she'd feel the happiness she envied in others.
Teagan felt her stomach turn as she stared at the dress. The memories flashing over and over again till she could feel herself back there in the bathroom with the stranger. Everything she gave up in that moment. It was more than just her virginity. It was her innocence, it was her relationship with her mother, with her father, with Cherish. She'd given everything up for nothing because the moment she'd let that guy take a piece of her, she lost herself. She lost the Teagan they all knew and facing them as a stranger broke her heart. Grabbing the dress as she jumped off her bed, Teagan walked over to the balcony, pulled the sliding glass door open, and tossed the dress out over the railing. She felt weak as the fabric left her fingertips, dropping to the ground as she fell to her knees. Teagan let it go, she let it all go. Everything she was holding in, the pain, the hurt, the longing, the sadness. This was what she'd needed. What this whole night had lead up to. Reliving the pain, experiencing it, facing it, all so that she could move on. . . .
She didn't know how long she'd been laying there on the floor when she heard a knock at the door. Lifting her head as she wiped her tears she wondered for just a moment, was it him. Was he coming? Had she done everything right to finally get what she wanted? Had fate finally allowed her to feel happiness? Pushing herself up off the floor she ran to the door as she pulled it open with hopeful eyes.
"Teagan Trafficante, I'm Detective Ryan Harrison with the N.Y.P.D missing persons unit. I'd like to come down to the station so we can talk to you about Rick Delgado." Teagan face went pale, her stomach knotted and her heart sank. This was the past coming back to bite her in the ass.