Why am I here? I like to torture myself, that’s why. I like to torment myself with the past and future. Think about what perfection I thought I had. That stupid little bubble of lies that he had once fed me, that want for perfection and a perfect life. I thought I had been doing the right thing, everyone told me so. Maybe they’re all liars though. We all are in the end.
The place is the home I used to share with my ex-husband. After the divorce, I got to keep it, I own it. I rarely step inside because this used to be my personal hell. I kept the house in pristine condition after my divorce because I wanted to turn something ugly into something beautiful. My ex-husband was almost twenty years older than me. I was only 18 when I met him and starting out in the industry. I was named everything in the book from gold digger to slut. Everyone thought that despite the age difference we were perfect together. No one knew what really went on behind closed doors.
He was insanely abusive, physically mostly. If he didn’t like something, he wasn’t afraid to take it out on me. I found comfort in one of his client’s, Jessie. I knew it was wrong to have the affair behind my husband’s back but it was also wrong for him to hit me. Looking up at the house, I think about the rare good memories that I had in it. When for a short moment, my husband was the man I had fallen in love with.
I was such an idiot back then to fall for him, all of these empty promises. Even looking over the front door and small path to entrance where I remember stumbling away after he had shot me. The glass windows the lined the side of the house, had they not been there, I wouldn’t have been rescued that night by Jessie. My screams echoed against them while my husband was on top of me.
I really do hate this place sometimes but I can’t bring myself to sell it. I often joke to myself that the next couple that moved in would be cursed to endured the same hell I went through. I refuse to allow anyone to through it. I need to leave, each memory more painful than the last. But the time, I endured here only made me stronger.
To my ex-husband, I hope you rot in hell, to Jessie, you were my escape and truly the first love of my life. Finally, to the baby that I lost in this place, I’ll see you again someday. Despite the circumstances in which you were created, I don’t have any regrets.
I have no more business being here and I can’t stare at this place for too long. Turning around and walking down the sidewalk towards my car, I know I’m walking towards towards more beautiful memories away from the place I used to call home.