As much as Cece missed being in the spotlight she loved doing what she was doing even more. She felt very proud of herself and she had been like a phoenix from the fire. Most people would have just let themselves sink into further depression but not Cece she had to do something. She had to at least try to make something better for herself. She smiled as she looked over the list of things that she needed to do. She needed to make sure that everything went without a hitch for the upcoming events. She had a wedding, a few charity events and a few other things that needed her attention. There was nothing that she loved more than to help someone’s event become a success. She took that after her mother in more ways than one. It brought a smile to her face whenever she was able to make an event truly successful. She grabbed her pen and marked a few things off of her list that she hadn’t been able to earlier.
Picking up her phone she called to check to make sure that there was plenty of The Ghost White and Cosmic Cowboy IPA. Once that was done she checked it off of her list. The wedding was an important event and one of the biggest that she was doing at the moment. She wanted this to be perfect and she was very meticulous in making sure that every single detail was being taken care of and the way that it was supposed to be. She grabbed her list and then headed to double check on a few things before she moved onto the next task.
She could smell alcohol on herself, a smell she had to bear for years while her father was struggling with drinking. She felt kind of disgusted by herself, and while her mind did not connect most of her actions to any logic at this point, she wanted something with olives to numb the taste a bit. She hated olives, their taste in her mouth always sent unpleasant shivers down her spine, but at least it was a feeling. But she knew that the last little piece that held the remaining parts of her life together was now gone, taken away, and she fell apart. She followed her instincts, she wanted to help, but all everyone seemed to care about was making an effort to help her, and then even her father could only slam an AA meeting into her face like that! She was totally useless. Not just in that moment, but overall, on every level, in every sense, existentially and professionally as well. She’s a waste of space and everyone’s time.
She hated what she had allowed herself to become. She was half of the woman that she used to be. She hated how it made her feel when she was alone and all she could think about was how lost she was without her best friend, without the one person in the world who truly understood her. For one single, blissful moment she’d closed her eyes and pretended not for the first time that the last five years had been nothing but a nightmare she was finally waking from. Shut out the anger and loss and heartbreak that had been a weight on her for so long she never thought she’d learn how to live without it. She knew that the last thing that she needed to be doing was drinking but it didn’t matter to her. She didn’t want to feel anything but the numbness that the alcohol provided. She savored that slow burn as it went down her throat. She didn’t want to feel. She didn’t want to think or remember.