Self-evaluation was a bitch! Category: Blogging
Self-evaluation was a bitch!
Standing on the edge of nowhere, for the first time since he was 5 years old, Ry cared for no one. Not his family, friends, or even people he hated. What had becoming a better Man done for him? Jack sh*t! That’s what it had done. Even though he turned his life around. Gave up most of the drugs that he once relied on, life had become a dirty bitch to him. He deserved it though. First because he cold blooded killed a woman, and second because he broke someone’s heart. Both gave him a one-way pass into the depths of hell. There was no god who would ever accept his passage into the pearly gates.
Pushing his third cigarette of the hour between his lips, cancer would surely take him if the Devil didn’t. He was smoking and drinking more than he ever had. Closing his eyes as his lungs choked on another draw from the toxins, he didn’t open them till the cherry red tip rested against the butt of the Marlboro red. F***, it was getting dark already. Where had the time gone? After leaving the wedding the night before, he roamed the streets of New York in hopes of something to make him feel again. Seeing a family destroyed hadn’t even brought a tear to his eyes. F***, they were friends of his and he didn’t even give a f*** to stay around and check on them. A selfish bastard had taken the place of the once kind teenage boy. At almost twenty years old, he felt closer to death than he ever had.
A flick of his finger and the once lit cigarette floated down from the edge of the bridge 50 feet before hitting the water. Teetering on the edge, his white sneakers would on occasions dip off the edge, but he was able to keep his balance. For a minute, he wondered what it was like. Death. He got close last time around, and again last night. When the bullets sprayed the wedding reception, Ry hit the ground. He hid under a speaker and said f*** you to the world. What kind of Man does that? His nephew was there in the crowd and he didn’t even stay around to see if Nate made it out alive. F***, what happened to him? How the hell had he sunk this low in life that he didn’t care about family anymore.
Shifting his body to sit on the edge of the Brooklyn bridge, if the cops found him he would be locked in the loony bin for a few days. Headlines would read “Singer Ry Tesoro is the latest in the tread of celebrity suicides” Who would really care? Family? No, they had gone their own ways long time ago. Friends? No. The only two he ever had been long gone. One by choice and the other because he pushed her away for her own good. He could never be anything that she needed. Plus, he was a damn fool. Following your heart is not always the wise choice. He would never do that again. Heart dead. Accomplished.
“Mind if I take this seat Mate?”
The voice of the past. Jamie. The only person that Ry could ever count on was a dead Man. F***, it was good to see him. No one in the world knew Ry like he did. Both endured a traumatic childhood, and though Jamie died, Ry wished he would have.
“Brother, Man it’s good to see you. I thought I never would. What the hell happened back in the hospital. I was ready Man. I need to cross over. F*** this life and everyone in it. No one here for me anymore. Sh*t has to be better on the other side.”
Jamie saved Ry last time. He took his place across the bridge and let Ry return to his family. Stupid move. This was no place for someone like Ry. Even with his talents, the past was way too much for him to endure anymore.
“There is no place for you right now. Not your time Brother. You know I am an ear shot away if you need me. Even if I can’t come in the physical sense, I will always be listening. Stop trying to find happiness and start living again. You buried yourself when you were 5. Crawl up and take this life back. Make something of it. Look at me. I never got what you have. I wanted to live, but instead here I am roaming the f***in earth trying to save stupid Mother f***ers like you. Just kidding with you Ry. You gotta let the past go. Move on Man, move on already.”
Forth cigarette lit Ry knew what he said was the truth. He needed to say f*** it to the past and move on. First thing he was doing was putting the house up for sell and moving. Memories would be erased the moment he did. Spending most of his time on a tour bus, he would wait awhile before finding a new place to settle into.Maybe Vegas would be the best place. That or back to New York. Nothing like the city the never sleeps. Looking over, Jamie was gone. He left as quick as he came, but left leaving a huge impression on the Male.
Standing, he removed the cell phone, wallet, and smokes from his pocket, leaving them all on the edge of the bridge. Taking a deep breath, there was nothing but air between him and the water below. Floating for a brief few second, the impact hurt. Nothing in the world like hitting water at a rapid speed. The wind knocked from him, he rose to the surface screaming.