I want to start by saying that I am writing this because it was mandated by my therapist. A therapist that only you think that I still need, but you know whatever. I hate to write about things that make me feel weak, and that is what I avoid doing at all costs in my writing. So, if you’re reading this even though you promised not to, then hello Dr. Paddatori. I hope you enjoy all my emotional damage written onto a page. Anyways, this is an assignment to write to someone and settle everything that you want to say to them. It is an assignment so perfect for our relationship that I couldn’t resist.
You were supposed to be the person that I could always rely on. You were supposed to be the one that would drop everything to love me unconditionally. Instead, you are actually the root of all my problems. I know that you couldn’t be bothered to leave your standing reservation to shop at Barney’s when I needed to talk or anything, but there were things that I was dealing with since I was little that you did nothing to help. Instead, you made them worse. Everything I felt worried or embarrassed about, you would go to great lengths to point them out. You would use them as a reason for why I needed to bow down to you and strive to be perfect. All I wanted was to make you proud and you used it against me.
As I got older, your drinking took a toll on me. It drove a wedge between dad and us, and I blame you for that. You wouldn’t stop nagging me to be skinnier, to be smarter and to be prettier. You would slur insults at me until you passed out, your crystal vodka glass still in hand. Instead of arguing and coming up with a resolution, you always got the last word. You never let it be a discussion. I got sick of the slinging insults and started to avoid the house. The house that was my home for my entire life was suddenly a place I didn’t feel safe. I had nowhere to go on the Upper East Side where I could put my guard down.
Some kids get older and stop believing in mystical creatures. Some stop believing in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy. I, on the other hand, stopped believing in family. I lost all belief in the idea of putting my faith into someone else’s hands. I no longer trust that there can be someone that loves me. I lost my belief in the idea that I could be beautiful without making myself throw up. And, most of all, I stopped believing in the idea of a mother.