Personal Log

Personal Logs  Thomas Riker   Stardate 2389.52

I find myself needing to somehow express some of my thoughts on my stay on Cardassia's Lazon II. I've resisted the urge to do so for some time but I find myself pondering the idea that if I put it into words that perhaps it won't haunt me so much. And since I have no one to talk to this seems like the only outlet I have. There's one day in particular that screams through every crevice of my mind at this very moment.

Although Lazon II was warmer than my native Earth's climate, it was often very cold in my solitary cell. This day, however, it was a different story altogether. The temperature must have been at least ten or fifteen degrees, the door was frozen solid and icicles hung from the ceiling of the cell. Water dripped from then at two second intervals. I counted them about a thousand times, tap, tap and tap. It used to drive me crazy but I grew immune to it the longer I stayed in the solitary hell. It was a torture tactic the Cardassians liked to use on certain prisoners. Especially, apparently, those that were difficult and I was obviously a difficult prisoner.

I often retreated to my dreams and fantasies to try and avoid the conditions. I'm sure Deanna wouldn't be any too happy that she was oft times the subject of my dreams or at least a part of them. I am a Starfleet Officer with a family. On my off time I would spend my time with that family. We'd spend our evenings together curled up on the sofa in our quarters on our ship or at home in San Francisco or Alaska in front of a nice raging hot fire. Her head resting on my shoulder and we'd spend hours talking about our day and our children would be playing at our feet.

Which made me wonder if Deanna could feel me or sense me across the millions of miles that separated us,  I hardly thought that she could but I liked to wish she could. I knew that not one damned person in Starfleet cared that I was being brutalized in a hell hole. After all I was just a sloppy second anyway right.

That day I was stopped in my thoughts by the sound of boots at the door, which wasn't really any more unusual than any other day. A key turned and clank...I knew the next would come shortly...what did they want from me now...I'd had my fair share of work for that day before they tossed me back into the cage again...clank...I cringed, knowing that once the last one came that they would be in my cell. I prayed that they would change their minds. I would scream out her name in my mind...clank.

That sound still echoes in my head to this day. I don't know if it'll ever go away.

After a bit of shoving and kicking, the door was creaked open. I actually prayed it wouldn't be a certain ruthless guard named Talon Nor and my heart began beating rapidly. Unfortunately nine out of ten times it would be him. He took a particular liking in antagonizing me, especially after I told him I'd kill him one day. He seemed to enjoy toying with me at odd times. I apparently was his favorite plaything. He was trying to break me and the harder I resisted the more he showed his face, the bastard that he was.

Talon marched in; behind him followed another guard I hadn't seen before and I thought I'd seen them all. "What did you say to Kalner yesterday Riker?" Talon moved toward me. Inwardly I winced and became sick to my stomach and I concentrated hard not to show it. I would think of her which always seemed to make it better. It would only be after he left that I would tend to lose what little contents I had in my stomach.

I didn't care and really didn't quite remember what I said to this Kalner so I remember murmuring to him, "My food?" I hadn't eaten in at least twenty four hours. I'd be lucky if I got fed once a day and there were times it'd be days before I would eat. It was slop; pigs probably wouldn't have eaten it but sustenance none the less. One learned very quickly that food was food no matter how terrible it tasted, smelled and looked. You were considered lucky if you were one of the ones who'd capture a mouse like creature, which was considered real food.

The new guard, obviously Kalner, was younger, much younger than Talon. He was tall with a more sadistic face if that were even possible. He bared his teeth at me and spoke, "I don't care about your food human." I wanted to kill him too.

Talon was shorter, more middle aged in my estimation. He had a fat nose and brown eyes which seemed to dominate his scaly face. I remember him saying, "I can't even take a break now. I don't come for one day, one damn day and you're already throwing insults at me. I'll give you some food." he punched me in the stomach and I fell against the wall angry. I was extremely angry.

I wondered what insult but then again anything I said; anytime I opened my mouth it was an insult to him. I couldn't resist the urge to provoke him and I said, "What insults? I didn't." I said it with a sneer on my face.

"Don't give that what insults Riker!" He snapped at me. "All you damned humans are the same but you, you Riker, are the worst I've ever seen. You just can't resist the urge to aggravate can you? If I didn't know better, I'd think you liked to be smacked around Riker." I wanted to shove my fist down his throat for saying that to me honestly I would kill him in his sleep given an opportunity.

"I didn't say anything!" I replied and choked back a heavy breath. I realized then what was coming and wasn't really able to take it on this specific day. Some days the beatings seemed endless and although I didn't want to I had to play their games. It was the only way to survive in that hell hole of a place. So I gave Talon part of what he wanted. "It wasn't about you Talon." I'd never beg him not to hit me because that was an invitation for him to hit me. But then again I would never beg. I would never beg anyone period end of story there. Talon grabbed my long dark hair and flung me like a rag doll across the cold dank cell. Again I thought of ways I was going to kill him. Had I become such an animal? The answer was yes, I had.

I knew the minute it came out of my mouth I'd pay for what I said. He had meant it. Kalner was the guard who had apparently brought me food the day before - it was Talon's day off - and I had been thinking all morning about my friends and what little family I did have. Not that Will gave two shits about me anyway and Deanna, well I'm sure she forgot me the moment I beamed off the Enterprise that day. But how I loved her and prayed and screamed in my head for her to find me. Anyway I didn't realize there was a guard just outside my cell door. I was angry that day, which wasn't uncommon since anger fueled my existence. Holding onto my anger was one of the ways I remained strong in my own mind. I screamed out loud, "You bastards, you're all bastards!" I banged on the door. Apparently Kalner had informed Talon of my outburst and Talon was there to exact his form of justice upon me. I was nearly immune to it as well.

Talon pulled out a knife from his belt and slashed it at my face; he caught me across the eye, slicing in a downward motion giving me a sardonic grin which I wanted to wipe off his face. I managed to save myself - just - by stumbling back onto the wet, slimy wall. I wiped the blood off my face the best I could. But I was concerned. I concentrated on the knife as it closed in on me again. It seemed to eye me evilly as it moved closer and closer to me. I heard the younger guard speak, "Sir don't." Kalner almost seemed to plead and I inwardly shivered. Talon thrust the knife into me and I dropped to the floor and the thick redness of my blood oozed from my shoulder. I kept the scream quiet and held back the moisture that was growing in my eyes. I whispered Deanna's name and Talon kicked me. "You'll never see her again you pathetic excuse for a human." I tried to keep Deanna's name quiet but there were times it escaped me.

Everything seemed to have happened so quickly, my head was spinning and I looked up at him with a sneer on my face. I wanted to kill him and one day I knew I would, it was simply a matter of time for me. Killing in that prison was a matter of survival and I had done my fair share. I was stuck in that solitary hell for doing just that, I had killed over food and to be honest I felt nothing for doing so. May God help me, I felt nothing. I'd actually reached the point where killing didn't matter to me. It was a me or them mentality, survival of the fittest.

I remember as I looked up at Talon, holding my shoulder, I could see the blood lust in his eyes. He wanted me dead, there was no denying that. But I honestly believe he wanted me alive more so he could torture me routinely. Then there was a white haziness coming down upon me as I watched the knife coming toward me yet again and all I thought was at least this time it isn't s whip slashing through my flesh.

Talon muttered, "What the hell, you're not worth it." I saw him turn to Kalner and order him to clean out the small waste receptacle, which was a tin box in the corner. The guard walked over and picked up the container. That, according to the rules, was supposed to be slopped out every other day, but Talon, who never obeyed any rules, only used to do it once a week. But with me he didn't do it for a week or more at a time and when I'd complain all I'd get as a reply were several kicks in the stomach or a few punches in the face or a slash or two of the whip.

I remember Kalner walking out with the box but then Talon summoned him back and he said, "On second thought, give it to me. I'll clear it." I watched him as I stumbled to stand and he threw it at me narrowly missing me. Talon's laughter echoed around the cell. That was just another reason I was going to take great pleasure in killing that sadistic bastard. He finally stopped laughing and signaled to the other guard that they were finished. I cleared my eyes of the blood and leered at the two of them as they walked out. I slid down the wall. No food, another beating, utter humiliation and tears now began to sting at my eyes but I refused to let those bastards see me as weak. Just then, the young guard glanced back and our eyes met for maybe a hundredth of a second it was as if he were saying, 'I'm just a conscript. I have nothing against you.' His morose eyes seemed to be indicating, 'I want to get out of this hell as bad as you.' He turned and walked out and the door clanged shut as the three bolts were snapped back. Nobody wanted out of that hell hole more that I did.

Personal Logs Thomas Riker   Stardate 2390.2

Again I find myself unable to sleep with the overwhelming flood of thoughts, my nightmares once again waking me up. With no one to talk to, no one to share this burden I must bare alone. I find myself wishing to share it with someone but I fear how it would be taken by her. What would she think of me if she ever found out what kind of animal I have truly turned into.

Although my relationship with my father was fractured in my younger years, the anger I felt for him was a help not a hindrance to me during my imprisonment on Cardassia's Lazon II. When I was a young boy, after my mother had died, he was hard on me and if I dared cry he would yell at me, "Riker men don't cry!" I held tightly to that in the labor camp. Riker men don't cry and my anger only fueled my will to survive.

After I'd been beat down and my face cut and stabbed in the shoulder that night, my eyes remained transfixed on that door long after it had shut and I wiped moisture and blood from my eyes. Talon had hesitated. Why? Why hadn't he stabbed me that second time? I wouldn't have minded, yet I couldn't understand, why were they keeping me alive. Other than for amusement and to keep me suffering because I had invaded Cardassian Space. Few knew that I was just doing my job when I did that. But that's another story in and of itself isn't it? The things Starfleet keeps hidden.  I smiled as I poured what little water I had over my wounds, cleaning myself the best I could. I wanted to die, but they wouldn't let me. Apparently I was some great prize for them and perhaps I hadn't been broken just yet and that's what they were waiting for. How much could Thomas Riker take before we break his spirit? Little did they know I had become broken inside but refused to show it to those bastards. They would never see just how wounded I had become. I had become a monster with the instincts of an animal and no one was coming to rescue me. Why would they, they already had their Riker.

While sitting in my bitter, dank cell, I thought of better days. It didn't take long for the beatings to begin once I was dropped off on Lazon II after being tested like some lab rat on Cardassia Prime. Expendable was the word. So I went back, back to better days. Back to when I was a small boy running in the woods in Alaska, fishing, ice skating, sledding with my friends. I had dreams, when I was a small boy, of a little girl who would play with me in my dreams. She had long black hair and piercing blue eyes that reminded me so much of my own and she would show up now and again in my dreams at night in my cell. She urged me to remain strong. Other times, most times, Deanna would fill my thoughts and dreams. I would go back and relive the day we first met and the day I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her. These are the things I would think of and dream of. I would go anywhere I could in my mind to avoid feeling the pain of humiliation and the physical and psychological pain the best that I could.

I would also pray or ponder and ask whatever God there was out there why, but I never got a reply or if I did I wasn't in the position to really hear an answer. I was angry, very angry. I'm still angry. The anger toward the Cardassians kept me strong and tough on the outside. They could beat me until I was so close to death and I still would not beg them to stop. I'd rather have died then give them the pleasure of knowing they had broken me; mind, body or spirit.

That night, when I received the stab wound from Talon I remember examining my shoulder, the blood trickling out of it, streaming down over my arm and fingers, dripping onto the floor. Suddenly, I began to experience spasms of pain in my shoulder and arm and my chest shook violently. I fell over onto the floor and a gush vomit flowed out as my ribs pulled in seeming to suffocate me. I rolled on the floor in the fetal position; coughing and spluttering, gasping for air, I wished to expire. After moments my body stilled and the cell turned silent as my eyes went black.

I remember coming back to consciousness probably hours later. One by one I began to move my body parts; my legs, arms, fingers, toes, head. The pains had lessened and I lifted my head and from my lying position I could see the small slit in the wall. It was dark outside; I could see the sliver of a wonderless, unexceptional moon. Around it the sky had cleared leaving behind a black mass and all those millions of miles away, hundreds of sleeping stars. I gazed at the sliver of vastness and begged her to find me but knew she wouldn't even hear my call. She probably thought I gave up on her and had forgotten all about her again which was so far from the truth it stung me to the bone.  I'm not sure how long I stared out that slit in that wall that night but I do know I'd succumbed to exhaustion and finally slept. I was deep within a vivid, pleasant dream when my foot was kicked.

"Get up human waste."

I opened my eyes and groggily looked at the men, if you could call a Cardassian that. To me they were and are walking, talking reptiles, nothing more. I recognized the camp leader Gasal and behind him stood two other Cardassians, Kalner and Dumat. There wasn't any sign of Talon. Gasal looked down at me huddled in the corner and he said, "So you're the great Thomas Riker, genetic riddle, are you? You don't look very great to me." Snickers passed around the cell. That was only the second time I'd seen Gasal. I couldn't really make out his face in the darkness; he was a featureless silhouette with two very impassive eyes staring back at me.

I had wanted to ask him a question for months, a question to which other guards only replied, 'ask Gasal.' I stared right back at the bastard and lifted my chin in defiance, "Why are you keeping me alive?"

Of course Gasal didn't answer. "Take him." He commanded in a gruff voice as he grabbed me and flung me over to the two guards in doorway. The guards began to drag me out of my cell and along the series of corridors. The air was thick in the narrow passages and there was the same nauseating stench as weeks ago when I was dragged into the cell.

Behind us followed a brigade of officers, now having grown as others were called from adjoining rooms. I wondered what the hell. They finally turned into the vast yard that was blanketed in sand and I was thrown to the ground. I half staggered half crawled to the center. I lifted my head out of the dust and spat sand from my mouth. It was dawn, it was hot out and I was thankful for that as my mind went to her. It always did during times of impending peril, but knowing she wouldn't have a clue what I was going to experience. But the thoughts of her made me feel somehow safer in a strange way. I examined the crowd, there were many different species held prisoner there. They were near naked like me but for the few rags we called clothes. My eyes locked with a Romulan and he looked as though he wanted to save me. Be he wouldn't even be able to save himself with this many guards around.

Blood began to trickle from my shoulder wound again and I was perspiring heavily. The wound was painful; it was as though it were being ripped apart. I clenched my teeth as I lay there prone on the ground. The pain! My head was aching and I felt like it was about to explode. I felt like I was about to pass out but closed my eyes and thought only of Deanna. Always to her as I was kicked hard by various guards. When I opened my eyes Gasal glared at me and sneered, "Enjoy being back in the general population great Thomas Riker. We'll see how long you survive." One more swift kick to the back and I was left to fend for myself. Which wouldn't have normally been a problem but I was badly wounded. I was going to die.

Personal Logs  Thomas Riker  Stardate 2394.82

One had to make alliances on Lazon II and I had done just that before I killed someone and was thrown into that solitary cell. I wasn't sure how long I'd spent in that bitterly cold cell but in a way was relieved to be back outside with the warmth of the sun beating down on me the morning after I was stabbed in the shoulder by Talon. I was still thinking of ways to kill the bastard.

Once I'd gotten back outside of solitary those alliances had to be reformed, I lay there glowering at the other prisoners wanting to be left alone. Several came toward me, I knew what they wanted. If they could kill me they could take everything, which was nothing that I had, just the remainder of the shreds of clothes on my back and my boots. My boots were the prize. I tried to stand but failed miserably as they approached. My life flashed before my eyes just as the Romulan came to me and yelled, "Leave him be, he's mine." Imagine that a Romulan assisting a Human. He pulled me up, helped me to stand and nearly carried me to his little slice of hell in the general population.

His name was S'tarn and he nursed me back to health and in doing so we'd become friends and allies. With his help I became stronger and able to fend for myself reforming certain alliances and over time we plotted our escape and I planned my revenge on Talon. S'tarn's people on the outside were coming for him; we'd just have to be vigilant for that day he'd told me. It wasn't long after I'd recovered from the latest beating that we were able to liberate ourselves from the camp and I had done what I promised myself I'd do before I left. I killed that son of a bitch.

Liberated from one prison to what seemed another in my mind.  I became a slave, albeit more willing, of sorts but this time to a Romulan female who believed me to be William Riker and if that was my way to survive I would continue to let her believe that was who I was until I could take my leave of the Romulans without the aid of anyone from Starfleet. Starfleet never came they never would, nor would my own kin.

Once I had escaped the Romulans I fled and made my way back to Federation space. But the scars the cover my body they will never heal they will forever be a reminder of who I am and am not.  And I'm beginning to wonder about the scars in my mind, will they ever heal. I think not. I shall keep them locked away and use them for food to fuel my anger when the need arises yet again. But I am still Thomas Riker a man not just a genetic mutation.

Personal Logs Thomas Riker Stardate 2395.67

While there on Cardassia I'd lost all track of my time spent there, not that a guard or a scientist wouldn't have taken a certain cruel pleasure in telling me, I just didn't care much. Veress was the chief scientist there and he had a deep hatred for humans. He liked to tell me that slowly in Cardassian and as a Maquis I had learned that language all too well and as a prisoner I knew it even better. He also would routinely tell me that they would eventually find out the truth about me, one way or another he would make certain of that and that the Federation would not be able to keep its secrets from the Cardassians.

I remember the day Veress told me about the new scientist coming in. A very special scientist by the name of Duran Nol, one of Cardassia's leading authorities on genetics and how she would find out my secret even if she had to pull it out of me one molecule at a time. 

There weren't any comforts there in my cell and I'd sit curled up in a corner wondering, "What have I done? What have I done?" I asked myself that question as many times as there were stars in the sky, a sky I thought surely I may never have seen again. I had gone from one life of solitude to another and as clich� as it sounded I was split. The solider in me knew the risks were worth my beliefs but another part of me damned myself.

Every day they would come for me and it would be one test or another. The guards were incessantly cruel and I had a feeling they enjoyed it. I was tired. The electromagnetic lock was released and I knew they were coming for me again. "Hello freak of science, you have a visitor." That's when I knew the new scientist had arrived but I refused to stand. The guard walked over to me and grabbed me, "Get up Human, it's time to test you some more." I met this Duran Nor she wasn't as cruel as the other scientists. For a time I actually thought she had a soul. That was the day I found out that I was only nine years old. I actually laughed, there I was a grown man in his 30's, but she was right, genetically I was only nine. She told me she'd only known me for a day but could look into my eyes and see a man, a person and that I was suffering because of a war. She was and will be the only Cardassian that I believe has a soul. But her say so alone wouldn't be enough to save me. Once they finished testing me they put me on a ship and took me away to Lazon II.