Dr. Benjamin Thrace

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March 27th, 2024

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Gender: Male
Age: 49
Sign: Capricorn
Country: United Kingdom

Signup Date:
October 09, 2011

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10/11/2011 10: PM 

OOC: Something I was thinking about one night...

You know, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that what I battle everyday is loneliness.  I spend countless hours each day running about attempting to find things to occupy the hours, from work to group functions, to sports teams, and I as rapidly approach the day when I will lose one of those forever, I realize that loneliness is creeping up on me once again.  I don't think I am the only one.  It is quite possibly the one thing that we all have in common. We get older, we make friends, we have intimate relationships, and it is all so that in the end, we have someone with us during the good and bad times.  There are those people who say they are proud to be alone, and find many ways to justify this notion.  They find clever words to hide the loneliness, find ways to express a sense supposed sense of independence that are supposed to make those that have someone feel jealous.  I know, because I was one of these people.  I used to (and still do on occasion) make fun of my friends who were in these long and involved relationships, their constant battles, and their drama.  I always told them their relationships were far too much trouble then they were worth, and I was so glad that I depended on no one.

 

But then the other night, I awoke at about three a.m., and when I rolled over in my bed I was once again greeted by a wall.  There was no other person, no young woman that I was fervently in love with; no soft breathing to remind me that someone loved me back.  There was just a wall.  I stared at it for quite a while, the faint lines from the paint brush still quite evident in the moonlight.  It was in that moment that I realized how hollow those words of independence and self-reliance were, and how lonely I really was.  Sure, I have friends and a great family, people around me who would do anything for me and vice versa, but at three a.m., when I wanted nothing more than to hold someone and tell her I love her, I had a wall.

 

So, what is all this about?  You know, I am not sure. I am getting older, and while I know many would fervently remind me of how young I am and how much time I still have to find that one person that I am meant for, I cannot help but look at the way my life is now, take stock all that I have and all that I have experienced, and not recognize the possibility that I may end up, alone.  How can one even begin to prepare for a life like that?  Sure there are women around me that I talk to, that I am interested in, even one that knows of my feelings for her and returns them.  But as much as I care for her, and as much as I know that she wants to be with me, still I cannot shake the feelings of loneliness.  She is quite far away now, and we do not talk that often anymore.  I had expected this to happen, that as time passed that distance would be too great for us to conquer.  Perhaps it was that initial defeatist attitude that sabotaged any advancement for us, and once again it only serves to reinforce my thoughts of how I shall end up.

 

Of course, I can always lose myself in my friends.  I have a great many of them, and I am quite social.  I love meeting people, talking, interacting, and experiencing new things with them.  I have many friends now that are as close to me as any family member, and some I have known for so long they are practically family.  Will they be there, all of my life, ready to stand by me and help me whenever I need them?  Of course they are.  We have forged relationships that could never be challenged or broken, and for that I am grateful.  And I have met new people who, while months ago our relationship started as nothing more than a simple diversion to help me ease a little college stress, who now I cannot wait to talk to each night.  It's great, meeting new people and experiencing all this with them, and I look forward to each new minute.

 

But at the end of every night, at the end of every dinner, every conversation, I return to my wall.  It is solid, it is bare, it is beige, and it reminds me every night that I am alone.  I fall asleep, wake up, and again am greeted by this wall.  For the longest time I knew I hated that wall, but I could never figure out why.  It has done nothing more than shield me from the outside elements, warm me when I was at my coldest, and provide me with a place to think and reflect. But the hate came on anyway, and it is only now that I am realizing that the wall is not my problem.....the loneliness is.

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