Nobody has asked me my stories.
so maybe nobody will care to hear this one.
But I have to put my heart somewhere else that is not my head because I think sometimes when they act like they live in the same place, it makes it really hard for my eyes to see (generally because they wind up physically closed and I actually only see darkness. Maybe that's where my psychic self will show me the way... behind closed, crying eyes... idk. maybe after those eyes are open again. maybe when I cry for God himself that Day. I guess for the things I do not know and my body cannot show me. *I am delusional with love* - this is my Universal weirdo soggy bottom boys on the YouTube radio. My heart hurts today and this is the first time I have woken up sad since this whole thing took over.
I had to check, just now, to figure out how long this has lasted.
Idk if that day means anything to anyone else but that was when I wrote my weirdo blog post about my self-centered religion.
The next day someone made me start listening to Mac Miller's album titled Swimming after I made a joke about being a mermaid in a deep sea of thought.
I have not been the same sad that I was before since then. Since before then even, when I started to care for Self, to meet my heart first and to tell my Self all the things that I need to hear so bad.
At one point my brain broke and it is not my fault that this happened but nobody wants to hear the the Wholly Spirit sings to me, quite f***ing literally, and that my weirdo angelic aliens that exist in the sky to work for that Spirit f***ing love the sh*t out of my Self too and IDK WHY but it doesn't matter WHY what matters is that these things that I know cannot be proven wrong but ALL THESE F***ING PEOPLE want to tell me "oh no way! You can't do that! of course not! you f***ing lunatic! go get committed because you cannot save yourself!"
WHAT IN THE F*** IS MY LIFE BUT A GOD DAMN JOKE FOR EXISTENCE
God was like
Maybe the White Man had to kill his minority brothers.
And then he was like mad at the Natives here I guess
and f***ing raped all their beautiful magix there
and then he did it again
to the rest of the whole wide world
and I hope, quite honestly, that I get to go stick my roots back in African soil and destroy the lives that take Other people's livelihoods for silly blood diamonds that are just a dime a dozen but matter what a man says about how much they are worth. a girls best friend my f***ing foot. a cat would love me more than that.
I hope to LICK a Blarney stone and idgaf that people pissed on it because sometimes people want me to piss on them and even if that's not my thing, I will still make out with them after I pee in their mouth and maybe that giant rock is just a super kinky freak man, not my business.
I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH WEED FOR THIS F***ING SCUBA GEAR SELF I LIVE LIKE JESUS
Sometimes it makes it a little easier to process the thoughts when I just... get them out for someone else.
Maybe that's why God has kept my rations of the weed so low.
Because Spirit was like
Honey if you had all the weed already
how would we ever get anything done?
idk man. it's hard to focus when I can't take that break sometimes, you know.
I could talk forever about everything I think the world may need to learn how to get better and heal itself but my breakfast is ready and maybe I need to let go of this life and try to come back to the reality around me.
The biggest struggle I face is a financial one and honestly my father and I have joked about that my whole life.
If God knows everything, why is he so bad with money?
Can never hold on to it and always needs more.
Also, gets it discounted for some reason.
Why would religious entities NOT pay taxes?
I really don't understand.
SOME EXPLAIN TO ME WHERE JOEL OSTEEN DONATES ALL THE JESUS MONEY HE GETS BECAUSE LIKE
somewhere that Excel Spreadsheet started sending God money to evil places
and I think God is just
f***ing tired of all the man made bullsh*t that the World Society makes the children wade through.
Oh my goodness.
The Universal Radio plays the song Au Revoir as I walk in that starts
*You know what's really sad? I know how really sad you are*
As I come in to sit back at my Helm here, in control of this blog post to finish this post that I paused so I could make a plate for my Easter brunch that my very agnostic Papa Bear brewed in the Kitchen with his own love magic all by himself.
And God came back to life for me in one second.
If I cried for the things I cannot understand last night.
God should know I am moved to love tears now, seeing his Glory in my own life right now and in this moment.
I honestly want to lie back and just bask in the Love I share with my creator I swear. It's hard to survive this life and it's very hard to stay focused in class when you just want to make out in the hallway at school man.
*You are a broken art tattoo I will have forever on my chest, for a love that I have lost, but never to forget. I SMOKE TIL I GET OUT OF IT... ONE DAY WE WILL SING OUT LOUD!*
The first speaking role I played was a servant who could not read
and I brought a list to a boy who looked like he might be smart
and he told me who to invite to a party
and then they all died
NOTHING MATTERS > THE IMPORTANCE OF NOTHING sings my Radio station today.
Let's talk about how good my life is before I go because maybe you should know why I think (how I know) God loves me.
This is how God loves me #1 - this is my radio now
and yes man...
I am so sorry God, that I abandoned you. I don't know if you can call it abandonment. GOD, I am so sorry that I neglected my own Spirit for so long.
God, I am sorry that I ever thought, for one moment, that the love I shared with you would be reflected in the little boyfriends I kept on Earth.
God, I am sorry that I married a man because he said he loved me. God, I am sorry that I spent 9 years believing a lie instead of asking someone to show me how they might love me.
I am sorry that it took me so long to grow up.
But I'm suiting up and getting ready and my big girl panties are the best kind and honestly they make a lot more sense than little bows or ruffles for something nobody should be seeing anyway. It makes a thousand times more sense that my kids' panties don't have sh*t on them (lol but maybe in them!) and mine have lace now because at one point it was pretty opposite there. I remember my mom's underwear pretty much looking the same from then until now but my panties --- or lordt. That's a stroll down memory lane Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear (sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland). When I was a wee little girl I for sure fell in my toilet after my dad left the seat up one night and I had these weirdo bloomer panties on with legit a ruffled butt and not just like... pretty elastics around the edges or whatever but like... EXTRA FABRICS ON MY BUTT and I still don't know what those were for other than to make my dress bigger? Bahaha man, once a princess I guess. I get dressed in weirdo garb I won't ever understand in this position apparently and I'm quite alright with it but if the rest of the world wants to know why it's so hard... it's because of the lack of someone to hold accountable here.
PHBT that's my plan for world domination though, and... I am sharing those plans with those close enough to hear my heartbeat only. Keeping those cards so close to my chest.
F*** I forgot where I was going again.
It really doesn't matter
and when nothing matters
it makes everything so f***ing important doesn't it?
Whatever. It sucks, it all does but we are waking up and God wants to be here with us in the mornings.
Don't ask me, look at everything else around you.
The planets are aligning and doing whole new things the World has not seen as a man yet.
Metatron is just the artwork that speaks to us in our souls and moves us to take action.
And that person has on Mom Jeans, likes Oliver Trees, and talks backwards screaming about the future through Sorority Noise to a Highly Suspect Front Bottom boy.
And that's a Brand New Jesus christ who can Have Mercy for me and we can talk about your hair.
I'm a super powerful angelic little alien witch face.
And Jesus is my really good homeboy.
Who loves the hell out of me.
And The Spirit is the Father who has always provided
and the Spirit is also the Mother who has never loved herself the right way
But maybe she just needed her children to love her too.
I have a beautiful existence and the best way I know to reassure me of that is the song from my babies that sings to me about how beautiful I am, and how much they love me, and how safe they feel with me when before I could not manage to care for them at all.
and it's because nobody loved me the way I wanted to love them
but when I loved myself that way
and I reverted
just a tiny bit.
SOMETHING INSIDE OF MY BODY was like "Your brain is really like a kid's and we need to get it together around that and also be just honest about how you think/feel"
and then something in someone else's brain made him think it would be a nice idea to talk about sharing my love
and that was a direct influence from God
It was an immaculately conceived idea while we were having sex that my husband would let me entertain the idea of bringing another lady into bed for my play.
And we kinda played with that idea in that moment.
But the second we were done. (and I mean like, in the bathroom cleaning himself off after the finale kind of fast - like lightning)
I wanted to know if it was real or if we were just going to talk about it.
THIS IS DUMB MY LIFE IS ALREADY ONLINE. IF YOU WANT MY PAST, I BURIED IT ALREADY in my old backyard and it's just 9 years in the blink of an eye that I wrote about and it's a 45 minute read so block yourself out some time if you want to invest on where I came from because that's a third of my life and not even close to all the sh*t that has happened - ammirite? lol
*I can see a flashlight cuttin' up the trees behind my house. and I will read the flashing like a morse code that will mean nothing but will take me all night to figure out. WHen I am sad, oh I am sad but when I'm happy - OH GOD, I AM HAPPY and there is just no place in between for us to meet*
God hasn't been in the Americas since the people who came seeking religious freedoms raped the people who helped them get it.
God hasn't been here since they tried to buy manpower.
AM I SORRY TO BOTHER YOU WITH MY SHRILL ASS whITE GIRL VOICE?
F*** you all man.
I love you guys
but THE WORLD NEEDS TO GET THEIR SH*T TOGETHER.
Get it together okay? Scrape it off the walls. Wrap it in a paper bag. Dig a hole in the Earth. Bury it. Maybe light the paper bag on fire. Throw a bunches of weed seeds in there.
Take all the plastics out of it first so we can recycle those.
I don't thing God cares when we put natural things in her like that.
I think the bones left by dinosaurs WERE A TEST from the devil/creator and guys, we failed hardxcore.
I think God wants us to use what we need and not in excess
AND WE ARE EXCESSIVELY DUMPING OILS INTO THE GOD DAMNED OCEAN AND IT NEVER GOES AWAYAYYApldkfj adh;gkjahd
MY LOVE IS LIKE WATER AND THIS WORLD JUST MUDDIES MY FLOOD WATERS WITH THEIR F***ING EXCREMENT and honestly you guys
we put our garbage out into the void of a vacuumed up space at swallows planets.
are you kidding.
*"It's okay if you're not happy" I would say before I leave her "Look around ya cuz, there's no one here that's happy either"* *BUT THE ONE DAY THEY CLOSE eARLY IS THE ONE YOU WANT TO STAY. Lonely girl... I could be everything you need. And if some days you don't feel like talking, I could just sit and enjoy your company. YOUR COMPANY*
Life is great but I am drowning in debt and that was not the heavenly idea we were supposed to understand about Money, I don't believe.
Life in nutty shells.
Today at least.
But it will get better
Even though it's hard to live for a future that I cannot build for myself
Because I need help to fix the rest of the world
and I am done fixing myself
and I can't fix my kids anymore
than asking my ex to try to fix himself
and I don't have anymore friends
"nobody likes me, I talk about it every single day" sings my Universal Radio right now. CUZ I'M ALONE HERE
yupp. We are all so alone and my friends hate to hear that.
That no matter how much I love them and want to understand
the boat they think they are in
is an inner tube in a lazy river
and we are all connected
but we have been thrown around through rapids
over rocky bottoms
just trying to survive
on a tight rubber
filled with hot air.
*I learned a lot about death before I grew up. And I watched you start to fade before I was 18 - You told me your biggest fear was waking up each day.*
Wow. Thank you God for reminding me.
How bizarre is this life that I could not wait to die
and now I know
i know that is the day that I live for
but I also know
I have to do my part to bring it back here for everybody else.
and I don't know where to start.
I just make it up.
and I have been trying to relax and feel good in the meantime because I saw on Brainchild that the best way to motivate yourself is to do things you are good at that you like.
So I make all the art I think I can create here and now.
but sometimes I just wish I could forget for a little bit
just how hard this life has been and always will be
and the only time I feel the peaces of my heart that make me feel still again
is when I sleep and try to turn the brain down.
and even though I want to live in my dreams
I can't remember them.
Not like this.
I just know what I want them to look like.
I know also how to dream the right way I guess.
I think I can't remember it right now because I'm not supposed to.
Maybe I will have Deja Vus or something to remind me of the dreams I cannot place a finger on.
So a naturally lucid dreamer who understands projection and tried as a baby girl after reading a book called The Lovely Bones.
And I think that's what God wants to use me for.
A chance for the living to know the dead while I am here.
We will see.
This is what God sings to me while I say goodbye